The longing to be a girl

[emmicd]

It seems from when I was 5 years old I always longed to be a girl.
Those feelings have not changed all these years later!
Does that make me a TG/TS?

emmi

[prene]

I think I was 7. Heck at 7 I was wearing my mothers high heels and I have pics to show.

It has basically not changed.

I do not know about labels - I know I would love to have been born a girl.

[Rianna Humble]

I can't say whether that makes you transsexual, but it is a good basis for asking yourself the question.

Other relevant questions might be something like:

How easily do you fit as a man in a man's world?

Does this longing cause you any difficulty in your everyday life?

Are you willing to be considered a second class citizen because you are not a man?

[Andie Elisabeth]

How easily do you fit as a man in a man's world?

Does this longing cause you any difficulty in your everyday life?

Are you willing to be considered a second class citizen because you are not a man?

Wow, great questions even though I think I am "in trouble" right now.

[noeleena]

Hi,

I never wonted to be a girl i only thought why did i not look like one i saw some things that seemed wrong yet could not see it yet knew i was different & was both male / female ,

of cause in our day 1958 / 9 we did not know let alone have words to express what we were , for my self it was keep my mouth shut or be carted off to the nut house.

I knew i was I S was not till many years later my changes started & with out hormones or H R T,so really im a intersexed woman.& age 10 i knew, not some thing you'd tell others sure not then,

...noeleena...

[Kristy_K]

I know what you mean Emmi. I have also felt that way since about 4 or 5 years old. I fought it for 50 years before I gave in and transition. Does this make me a TS?

I don't know if it does make me a TS or not but I am happier then I have ever been in my life.

Kristy

[LisaM]

I'm with you, Emmi. My earliest memories are of wishing and praying that I was a girl. I must have been 4 or 5 and at the time I had 3 other brothers and I knew that I was different from them.

[Laurie Ann]

Emmi.

I have felt I was born in the wrong body since I was 3 or so. I lived this way until my mid fifties I am now doing something about it and I feel better than ever. I will say I was a very unhappy person for most of my life.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Hi Emmi,

Have your feelings of longing to be a girl become increasingly stronger the longer you present as male?
Are your feelings on becoming the true you starting to consume most if not all of your day?
Are you becoming depressed because you have not yet transitioned?

If you answer yes to these questions in my opinion you are transsexual.

Since you have asked previously about HRT and telling us about your intentions to transition this question seems to be a bit regressive.
Are you not sure now?

In addition to this, the term transgender (TG) to many of us seems offensive comparatively to a term that represents more of a legitimate medical reason for gender variance from presentation.

I become quite angry at those that attempt to include intersexed people like myself under an umbrella that includes sexual fetishists and pansexuality.
Intersexed people have a legitimate medical diagnosis and exist outside any inclusion by those attempting to gain political and social legitimacy.

Regardless of terms you Emmi must cement your self identity prior to any further progression down a path that includes transition.


Julia

[david]

emmicd at first i did not know what was wrong with me as a longing to be female kept coming to the forefront of my mind and even while serving in the royal navy in the days when this was not to be recognised and could be a reasion for a dissmisal it still kept coming back. however when i came out of the service i took the final step of coming clean to my wife that this was how i felt inside this was such a shock to her that i thought she would say that our marriage was over.she finally agreed that it would be better if what i was feeling was verified by a recognised sex clinic that she could live with it this was done after a lot of doctors etc and the clinic who verified that i was transgender and it would be better to be able to live with this fact.My only wish is that i should have taken the final step years ago.davinaxx

[emmicd]

great to hear from all of you and thank you for sharing your experiences. yes, i do believe i am ts and feel in my heart i am a girl. the thing that scares me the most is that i have a wife and a son and i am afraid what transitioning would do to them. i am also afraid to tell my employer. i feel trapped and it seems the only choice i have is to repress, repress, repress, continually crossdress in hiding, take care of my family, repress, repress, repress, crossdress and then die. i feel it would be best this way. i will always long to be a girl but it ain't in the cards for me. and i will always be in pain but i have a family to take care of. the only thing i can do is admit waht i am, accept it and try to understand my situation and pray to God.

emmi

[Rianna Humble]

Hi again Emmi, I feel for your dilemma and applaud you for looking to your responsibilities, but there may come a time when the best way to meet those responsibilities is to look after your own needs.

Given how near you are to my age, would I be right in thinking that your son is grown up by now?

How much does your wife already know and how much (if any) does she suspect?

I might be wrong, but I had thought that NY was one of the states with employment protection laws; do you have a firm reason to believe that your employers would react badly to your possible transition?

I don't think you are a "what", I think you are a "who" and as such there is no shame in admitting who you are.

[Beth-Lock]

of course in our day 1958 / 9 we did not know let alone have words to express what we were ....

not some thing you'd tell others sure not then ....

I am of about the same vintage, the 1950's. Gender change was unthinkable personally then, so I did not think it, but kept repressing it. But it did come out in devious ways, like cross-dressing and in my fantasy life, though even then, not directly.

No wonder it took such a long time for it to truly surface, shed the detritis masking the idea, and be acted on.

If I had been born in say, 1990, I think I would have been able to go directly into transition, fully aware that I was enough of a woman that the course ahead would be clear.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

I wanted to be a girl since I was 5 and I did something about it .Now Im the woman I was suppose to be.

[Lyric]

You are the only person who will ever be able to answer that question, Emmi. I've read a lot about transgenderism and it is true that many have felt they were in the wrong gender from a very young age-- usually starting around 5. Still, this a very important matter and you should certainly discuss it with a good therapist with experience in counseling people about transgender matters.

Lyric

[ZosKiaCultusC7]

First of all, I hope my writing makes sense. I am on a mixture of caffeine and lack of sleep. Plus, quitting smoking temporarily affects concentration.

I fall into the not-so-common scope of having no memory of feeling "wrong" about myself when I was younger. However, I can't say for certain that I didn't have any feelings in regard to gender dysphoria because I don't remember much of my childhood. I do remember wearing makeup, nail polish, wigs and dresses in middle school but hell, it was the mid-90s and the Goth thing was making a comeback. This was also the period where I sank into my first heavy depression with suicide contemplation but I can't recollect what I felt exactly. Possible that it was related to GID? Sure but I can't say that it wasn't a mere coincidence.

Because of this, I don't tell myself that I've always felt the way I do now because I honestly don't know. What I do know though is that out of nowhere, crossdressing began in 2006 and gradually turned into GID. For the longest time, I was confused and thought that it was simply transvestic fetishism but I started noticing certain feelings, not sexual in nature. I pretty much told myself that I was just a crossdresser because my knowledge in GID was very limited. I may have been in some sort of denial as well. This went on for a while and eventually, an event triggered the heaviest depression I have ever felt, even as someone that can be classified as having chronic depression. After a bad breakdown and after having a lot more knowledge in this subject, I made my decision to accept what was going on and do what I needed to do.

One thing that helped me determine that this was right for me was related to evaluating who I have been for so many years. I compared how I portrayed myself (masculinity) with how I felt deep, deep inside. It took quite a bit of digging but I eventually uncovered feelings that were new, yet so very familiar. Even though I remember very little about my childhood, I do remember certain things that allowed me to link these uncovered feelings with feelings of the past. Another thing that helped me confirm my feelings was picturing myself doing things as a female rather than a male. When I mention 'things', I don't mean getting prettied up and going out but rather simple things, such as taking a road trip to Eastern Washington or playing my guitar. The euphoria that overcame me brought tears to my eyes. Regardless of fear and doubt, I was 100% sure of what I needed to do to live my life happily.

I'm only into week four of HRT and I feel a hell of a lot better, both mentally and physically. Do I have doubts? Sure. Am I scared? I'm scared shitless. Am I happy? You bet. You will quickly know if HRT is right for you, both mentally and physically. Honestly, it seems like my concentration has been off lately but that is most likely due to the fact that I quit smoking three weeks ago (if you're a smoker and decide to go on HRT, be prepared to quit). Although, even though I've always had ADD, it does kind of seem like it's a little easier for me to get distracted. Physically, well, my sex drive has decreased quite significantly. Prior to HRT, I had a very high sex drive but now, it has almost diminished completely. Has the feeling of panic from estrogen and anti-androgens set in yet? Nope, not at all. I am glad to be rid of my libido and the nightly "ritual" it put me through.

There isn't a "rule" of finding out if you're trans or not. Nobody can tell you that you are, except for you. Others can offer advice on how they found out for themselves but when it comes down to it, you are the only one that can make the determination.

[CharleneT]

It seems from when I was 5 years old I always longed to be a girl.
Those feelings have not changed all these years later!
Does that make me a TG/TS?

emmi

It sounds like you have gender issues for sure. Hence, you are TG. Are you TS ? That is really for you to know and others to find out - although in the US at least it turns out you need to go backwards thru the system. Start with a therapist, and go from there. I will give this advice, be very, very honest with your therapist. The TG spectrum (sorry for the word, but it works) includes a lot of variation. There are many ways to adapt or deal with the problems that can arise from having genre issues. Good luck :hugs:

[Nicola2876]

Its really hard to say whether this makes you TG or TS. I felt I shouldve been born female from a very young age. I was born with a hernia so as long as I remember had this horrible scar in my groin which I used to think was from when they changed me from female to male.

I have always felt like a mistake and it never went away. Still feel it but now I dont pray to God to fix me or hope that some little boys turn into girls at puberty like I did as a kid.

[Stephenie S]

I say this often, and I am probably annoying some, but it's important to recognize the difference between wanting to be a girl and knowing that you are a girl.

Like, I kinda wonder who wouldn't want to be a girl. I mean, doesn't everybody?

But if you KNOW you are a girl, THEN maybe you should think about transition. Transition is wonderful. There are few words equal to the task of describing what it's like to be congruent. I think that few actually transition because they WANT to be a girl. Most transition because they have no other choice. They HAVE to.

S

[Rianna Humble]

Transition is wonderful. There are few words equal to the task of describing what it's like to be congruent. I think that few actually transition because they WANT to be a girl. Most transition because they have no other choice. They HAVE to.

Sometimes we nitpick over words, but IMNSHO Stephenie's words here are fundamental to understanding why we transition

[Badtranny]

Sometimes we nitpick over words, but IMNSHO Stephenie's words here are fundamental to understanding why we transition

Yes I agree. I spent a lifetime "longing" but I may have well been wishing I was a bird. How do you know if you're a TS? Well, when you stop longing and start doing is a pretty good clue. All the "if onlys" in the world won't amount to anything at all as long as you keep longing. If I were rich, If I didn't have a family, If I didn't live in redneckville, If my family wasn't so conservative, etc etc.

Listening to somebody talking about wishing they were born a girl, is like listening to somebody talk about wishing they were born a Kennedy. I think a hallmark of TS people is a marked lack of wishing and hoping. Once you get to the end of your rope, you become a wrecking ball if necessary and there will be nothing to stand in your way. First it's self acceptance and then it's look out world because I'm coming out. People who vacillate, are suspect in my opinion. You either know who you are or you don't. I've bemoaned the cowardice of my youth but late transitioners are given two special gifts. A big sack of "Don't give a damn" and an equally huge sack of "Screw you" and those gifts need to be taken advantage of because the clock is ticking and now that we know who we are, we have precious little time to waste.

How do you know? When your desire to live an authentic life is bigger than your desire to be safe.

[Julia_in_Pa]

I fully and completely agree with Melissa concerning " wishing " and doing.

There are more excuses as to not transition as there are actual people who do transition.

Many excuses are valid but at the end of the day if your still miserable, depressed and God forbid suicidal then all the valid excuses are still that, excuses and your still that miserable and depressed human being.

Sometimes action equates to pain and loss in order to gain what you always needed.


Julia

[emmicd]

i have come to accept who i am. i know i am a girl. i live with it every day. i cry my self to sleep. i remember when i first dressed as a 5 year old and crying asking God why i was born this way. i am a girl and i say that with conviction. i wanted to transition when i was in my 20s but my mom got very sick and i had to make sure she was ok so i put it on hold. i wanted to transition in my 30s but i met my wife, fell in love and we had a son. i wanted to transition in my 40s but knew i couldn't because i had a young family and my dad was sick and i had to be supportive of him. the day i learned my dad comitted suicide my world turned upside down and i had to be strong for my family and my need to dress escalated because of all the pain and guilt i felt throughout my life and now knowing i lost my dad in such a tragic way. I am now in my 50s and again i realize i need to transition because i am very depressed and although i have a family i love i can not escape these feelings anymore. i am in a situation where i feel if i don't transition and i told this to my therapist, i will put on my most favorite dress and i will take a bottle of sleeping pills and end the pain i have endured my whole life. i am ts but i am also a husband, a father and a female desperate to come out and live or die trying.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Then I believe it's time Emmi don't you?


Julia

[NathalieX66]

GID (gender identity disorder), or gender dysphopria, or gender incongruence is a fact for some......may be you. It is what it is, you are what you are. That's the deck of cards that life handed you,now you must deal with it.
On the bright side, I know a couple of transsexual women personally, and who happen to be the most happiest people on the planet...,.at leat that's how they apear to me.

[Kathryn Martin]

Emmi:

I wonder what you believe you are. So often at the end of the day you will know. TG and TS (and I know that there will be many who disagree with this) quite different things. Some of us suffer from gender variance, a condition where we feel restricted or uncertain by the gender we were born with.

"Sexual maturation disorder is a disorder of anxiety or depression related to an uncertainty about one's gender identity or sexual orientation."

Others, like so many who frequent this forum have an intense cross-gender identification and have body which does not match who we are.

Gender identity disorder associated with transsexualism requires three criteria to be met:



The desire to live and be accepted as a member of the opposite sex, usually accompanied by the wish to make his or her body as congruent as possible with the preferred sex through surgery and hormone treatment
The transsexual identity has been present persistently for at least two years
The disorder is not a symptom of another mental disorder or a chromosomal abnormality (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chromosomal_abnormalities)

I think it is not as easy as asking "am I TG/TS?" and to find a straightforward answer. You have experienced cross gender identification from a young age. Now the question is if you have an equally intense wish t live and be accepted as a member of the female sex, and the wish to make your body as congruent as possible. How long have you actively had these questions and have wanted to transition. Are you in therapy to determine if there are Axis I and II disorders or are you IS?

It is so easy to get lost in ones own emotional sea and to get lost without bearing. Sometimes criteria such as the DSM IV or SOC of either WPath or WHO's ICD10 help to have a guideline for self examination.

For me working with these criteria and revisiting my biography and especially certain signature events in my life helped me not to know who I am (that was something I carried with me since I was 9) but to be sure that I was not an illusion and that there was a path to revealing and integrating my self with the world in which I lived.




It seems from when I was 5 years old I always longed to be a girl.
Those feelings have not changed all these years later!
Does that make me a TG/TS?

emmi

[Badtranny]

It is so easy to get lost in ones own emotional sea and to get lost without bearing. Sometimes criteria such as the DSM IV or SOC of either WPath or WHO's ICD10 help to have a guideline for self examination.For me working with these criteria and revisiting my biography and especially certain signature events in my life helped me not to know who I am (that was something I carried with me since I was 9) but to be sure that I was not an illusion and that there was a path to revealing and integrating my self with the world in which I lived.


Simply brilliant. My posts read like a circle jerk compared to this. ;-)

[emmicd]

I can honestly say the following with full conviction and know it is true in every way. This is very condensed but it is a glimpse into me and how I feel.

1) I have had gender dysphoria since I was 5 years old when I think in retrospect. I was too young to understand that but I knew I was different.
2) I tried real hard to accept my male gender role and try to do all the right things repressing my feminine/tg side.
3) I never admitted my feminine/tg side to anyone until my mid 30's when i started seeking therapy.
4) I started exploring gender clinics and my need to transition at 35 years old when I believed I would not marry and after losing my mother who was very near and dear to me.
I lost her 6 years earlier but I had to be there for my dad who was the best father I could ever ask for. I never wanted to hurt him. I never told my mother of my gender identity issues.
5) I never pursued the gender clinics after my first visit because I did not want to hurt my dad. I never told him about my gender dysphoria or my feelings of being female inside my heart and soul.
6) I tried to understand that I was ok despite my feelings and I gained self acceptance of my situation but still hid it from the world other than my therapist.
7) My therapist did not encourage me to pursue transition and HRT and convinced me to marry and raise a family.
8) I decided I would rather marry and have a family then face the world alone and live a so called fantasy world of becoming a woman which I knew I was but I did not have a support system in place to help guid me so I abandoned the self realization and journey I felt destined i would face though I repressed it.
9) I met a girl who I had feelings for and loved over time. I never told her of my TG feelings and was not sure what to do because I was afraid I would still ahve these feelings no matter what.
10) We decided to marry and have a child. I was thrilled!
11) We welcomed a baby boy. I was so happy and knew I would be the best father and husband I could.
12) I still had a need to crossdress during times of great stress. I also felt the TG feelings but I put a lid on them.
13) I was deeply crushed when our son was diagnosed with autism. It changed our life and the dynamics of the family. My wife was afraid to have another child so we never did.
14) My life became focsed on my son and his situation and I knew I had to be there to help and support him with my wife.
15) At times the pain became to intense worrying abot my son that I crossdressed in secret more and more and felt gender dysphoria again which never goes away no matter what.
16) My dad was a great part of our lives and he helped our son and spent quality time with him.
17) My dad suffered from depression and he was alone thaough he was a part of our lives and my sisters lives with their kids.
18) My dad comitted suicide and my life turned upside down and I was so stressed out. I needed to go back to my dressing full time in secret to alleviate the heartache and bring me back to a safe place. I was also realizing I needed to be strong for my family and not fall apart.
19) I went to seek therapy but it was on and off. I never talked about my TG feelings the next go round in therapy.
20) My best friend in the whole wide world died at 40 leaving behind a wife and daughter. I was totally devastated.
21) I started to explore my TG feelings as I realized they would not go away when I turned 50.
22) I have a son who rlies on me and a wife and I am not sure what to do about these TG feelings.
23) I feel suicidal at times and can not be weak like this as I have a son who depends on me.
24) My TG feelings are so intense that I can not brak free from them.
25) I am seeing a therapist and the three issues at the fore front are my family, work and my internal struggles identifying as a female.
26) I need help and hopefully I will make the right decisions. My internal feelings are not going away and the inner voice keeps telling me it is tiome but I have so much in my male life.
27) Iwould never wish this on anyone because it is way too painful!
28) I hope I can be understood and loved for being true to myself and I can still love those who are dear to me, most obviously my family.

emmi

[StasiaTX]

Hey Emmi, just from my own opinion, I completely get where you are coming from....I actually joined the military to try to prove my own masculinity and it just never took. I almost still feel like I need to be "that guy" until my daughter is old enough to understand but I can't really hide who I am anymore. Go for it girl...you are who you are :)

Stasia

[emmicd]

Thank you Stasia for sharing your own personal feelings and for your kind words and encouragement. i really appreciate it. I am exploring things and am seeking a medical doctor to discuss the prospects of HRT. i will be meeting with her next Thursday. I am also doing electrolysis and talking to a therapist. I guess you could say I'm on the path to exploring my femininity. I am also starting to selectively tell family and friends. My wife and son know I am crossdressing every day now at home.

emmi

[Tamara 5]

Hi Emmisd, I am so sorry that you have been through so much in your life, but you know that all this tragedy has made you who you are even though it was all so pain full . you are a very strong person and the woman inside of you made you that much stronger. that is a great thing not only to have but to be that strong woman that you are. Now after all that you have been through you want to through it all away by committing suicide. I don't think so young lady it's time for you to be who you are and and show the whole world what a great woman can do when she makes up her mind . Now it's your time to stand tall and move forward with Emmicd new life. I don't mean to hurt you in any way if I did please forgive me. I just want you to see that you are a lady good luck and my God be with you always. lolTamara

[MaryAnn40c]

love this post....I was 8 when I first started to dress in my mothers clothes and when my sister grew a bit bigger I would wear hers. I was able to dress up in grade 7 for a full day as we were newly out of grade school. I continued as much as I could until I lived on my own.

[emmicd]

Thank you Tamara for your encouraging words. You don't know how much they mean to me. You made me shed a tear. It is not easy coming to terms with who you are sometimes and I have been trying all my life to be someone I knew was not the real me. I like me as a person but I feel I am not complete. Yes, I am a woman and I wish to let her free and live and dress as she has always wished and needed to. I have a family I love and I want to be there for them. It is so difficult that sometimes I feel it is not right to put my family through this. It would be so much easier if I could just go to sleep and never wake up and I would finally be at peace and I know my family would be protected with my life insurance. To me I just want to go with all my female clothing on so everyone will finally get to see who I was and I won't have to pretend anymore. You are right though. It would be so much better to live ab=nd be the woman I know I am in my heart. I will always love my family and would never abandon them. I just don't want to be abandoned. Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding. You are so sweet!

emmi

[emmicd]

Thank you MaryAnn. It has been a major part of my life as I started dressing in girl's clothes since i was 5 years old and have never stopped. I always identified as a girl and find as i get older the feelings intensify. I appreciate you sharing your experience and for your honesty.

emmi

[Kaz]

Emmi,

I totally understand where you are coming from and your anxieties. Many thanks for sharing. Posts like this really help our individual understanding. My earliest recollections were of being fascinated by my mother's underwear drawer and other things feminine. I remember when I first started getting pubic hair that I went into a panic. This meant I really was going to be a male - I went through a bad time realising that this meant I was going to be male and not female...

Then I was anxious that I wasn't as tall as the other guys and remember stretching my body everynight trying to get taller! I knew that I just didn't cut it like the alpha male teenagers...

So I grew my hair and became a blues rock guitar playing guy - I got to wear stacked heel boots/shoes, stain jackets and crushed velvet 'look pants'... even had an Afghan coat - those were the days! Hair down my back... oh yes...

Then at 19 my hair started its rapid slalom into male pattern baldness... by 25 I had very little hair on the top of my head... male genes again and the same feelings as at puberty...

The rest is the story of a closet CD who realised who they really were about 6 or 7 years ago and is still trying to get it right in my head! For me to transition would be too problematical as my life is so complex and has so many components that I do not want to lose.

[ELIZABETH46]

i was 7 ( as i remember) maybe early, that i knew i wanted to be a girl.
i "conformed" with the "man's world" because i didn't know better.
so i know today all my life i have been a TG.
the answer es in the mind, not the body.

[Rachel_Moore]

I think you answered your own question with your second post Emmi, I think anything that causes us a lot of distress has to be something we have to act on. I had a partner and a family. How old are your kids if you don't mind me asking? I actually have full custody of my boys now and a new partner but you can't live your life trying to deny who you are because you don't want to effect or upset others. There comes a time in our lives where we do need to be "selfish", at least to the effect that we put our own needs first for our own health's sake. I hope you do the right thing, a bottle of pills is never the answer, life is precious. I understand feeling like that as I was there before I did this. Transition is hard and it can be an emotional rollercoaster but it was still the best thing I ever did and I have never been happier in my life since I just lived as the woman I was meant to be and always was.

Rachel xx