The quest for the inconvenient truth.

[Soriya]

Hi everyone! Just felt like writing some things down so feel free to read.

The last few days have been interesting for me in terms of the continuing to 'clear' my past. This was something I began to do a little over 3 years ago. I did this by creating a journal starting from my earliest memory forward. The key to it was I did this by writing my memories down as fast as they came to me but without analyzing the memories, just write (type) as they came. What ended up happening was I began to see them from a 3rd person view which allowed me to not only see what I felt at the times, but also what was going on around me. It broadened my vision and thus as I write on, I developed a massive level of understanding of why things happen and are the way thy are.

Once I did this and was able to forgive all those that did me harm, dressing once again surfaced as it was time to explore why I had done it through my life. This was when I joined here and spent months of dressing constantly, paying attention to my feelings, researching, reading all about all of you, and to ultimately understand. This lead me back into my early childhood years when I was first dressed by my mother, a memory I had long locked away from even my own sight. I eventually went to see her a couple years ago and talked with her about it. I had no expectations of the outcome as the purpose was simply for me to 'be heard'. She did not admit to doing it but it didn't matter to me if she did or didn't, what mattered is I finally spoke. After that, I stopped dressing rather quickly as I didn't 'need' to anymore, the desire was gone. That was a year and a half ago.

Today, I am now dating again after 2 and a hlaf years removed from my ex-wife. My GF is a therapist herself and she knows everything about me, including my dressing history. She pointed something out to me that she saw I had a lot of anger inside. She said this due to the way I have spoken about my ex. I of course didn't see it or even feel it at all, in fact, I don't get angry at all and haven't for a long long time. Except for a few fleeting moments while trying to work though things with my ex, I never got mad through any of it. I felt that after all the understanding I had learned, there was no need for me to get angry as I felt none at anyone from my past. I was wrong.

The other night while on the phone with my ex, the conversation got heated and I started to get heated as well to the point, I snapped. I tossed the phone, flung things around, broke a glass, and screamed at the top of my lungs. I felt like I was that 12 year old boy who used to constantly punch and kick walls through my anger of being bullied. If you remember the movie "Good Will Hunting", the scene near the end when Robin Williams tells Mat Damon it wasn't his fault and kept saying back 'Yea I know' and Robin would say 'No you don't' until Mat snaps, that is exactly how I felt. I stopped sat down started crying and said half laughing in my sarcastic humor "Ok, yea...I'm still angry" LOL!

The day after, Dressing thoughts came back again. It is now even clearer what dressing it 'to me'. It became my escape from myself when I was in pain so I didn't have to process that pain. I also see what happened in my journal after reading it again. By writing it the way I did by writing down the memories as they came with no thought, I saw them all without the anger which is what had helped me to 'understand'. I intellectually forgave everyone but emotionally I did not. Time to start writing again and process the emotions of it all.

Just felt like sharing, thank you for listening :)

[kimdl93]

Soriya, I can entirely empathize. I've been divorced from my first wife for more than fifiteen years now, but I still harbor some resentment. Sometimes its good to let out pent up emotions in the manner you described...if its a cathartic expereince and allows you to move on.

My question - are you feeling less need to dress now that you've dealt with the pain more completely?

[LeaP]

The day after, Dressing thoughts came back again.



The golden question is why is the escape dressing?

Lea

[Soriya]

My question - are you feeling less need to dress now that you've dealt with the pain more completely?

Kim, yes. That is how it always was for me. It was never a constant. I did it in phases through my life and while I was learning about it, I realized that each phase occured during very dark lonely times. In my teens, being bullied and feeling like nobody liked me. In my twenties, it started as the relationship I was in started to fall apart. The thoughts then came back when the issues with my wife and I became exposed however I didn't act on it as by then, I had sworn to take it to the grave with me and hated the fact I did it in the past because I never knew why, it never made sense and I was scared of it. This last phase a couple years ago was different as it was by my choice. Rather then doing it as an escape, I went back into it for the purpose to learn which why I was able to learn what I did. :)


The golden question is why is the escape dressing?

Lea

Lea, this one is easy for me to answer knowing what I know now. It was introduced to it at a very young child and it produced a different kind of affection from my mom. She always wanted a daughter but got two boys. I understand why she did it, doesn't make it right, but I understand she was trying to fill a void within her, to feel what it would be like to have a little girl. I felt a different kind of love from her during that. With that in mind, when it came back and I started on my own around 11 or 12, I was being bullied so bad and felt so alone, I wanted to be someone, anyone other then myself as I began to hate myself thus the escape. Back then, not only did I dress, but I used to go to bed praying to god that I would wake up someone else, anyone else. I even used to pray I would wake up as a character in my favorite cartoon!

[Soriya]

Well stated Purple. This means something different to all of us and that is just to be happy with who we are, happy with ourselves no matter what that is.

[mikiSJ]

It is sometimes a friend, co-worker, spouse, relative who sees the anger before the individual sees it in herself.

I find I dress more often when I stressed more than usual. I see this as an excape from the weight of the day. It appears you escape from what you now realize is a very significant issue you have. You appear to be "bottling" your anger until the opportunity arrives to uncap it and it spills all over the place.

I would suggest you find assistance in dealing with your anger so you can start to enjoy life and, yes, dressing. Anger is very self-destructive and you need to find the triggers and release points for dealing with your anger.

While I am new to the forum, it does appear there are a lot of girls here to help you. We are here when you need us.

[Soriya]

Mikiarata,

The anger is now exposed. I did one whale of a job burying it way down to the point I could not see it. I did at first because I learned it pushes people away then continued to do so by downplaying it, using the level of understanding I learned to further burry it. It's out know and it's going to keep coming out which is a good thing because I don't want to burry it, I want to resolve it which I will. I see a therapist so I'm good, just time to do more processing :)

[sandra-leigh]

The very first time I realized that I was a cross-dresser, in fall 2004, I immediately knew I was going to go out in public, and that I didn't care if people didn't like it, because society didn't care much for me anyhow. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't had that anger at society, that "I'm going to do what I F-ing want for once" feeling. It would have been better, perhaps, if that anger had never been there at all, or if I had been able to let it go. On the other hand, I took it and used it to energize myself in harmless ways.

But I didn't get called out and laughed it for dressing: I got a lot of acceptance and compassion. It changed my life. I did go to therapy with the goal of taking the good things I had found from cross-dressing and bringing them into the rest of my life, but in time that stopped mattering as I partly transitioned and my regular life moved more into that better space. Was cross-dressing an "escape"? Maybe in some way it was, but oddly, I fit better in life and society as a transgendered person, so if it was an "escape" it was from a life that wasn't really working well for me into a life that works better for me.

So, anger is a strange thing, usually not good for you, but it can build the energy and impetus to change, perhaps to necessary change that might seem irrational but reflects one's feelings. For example, if one gets frustrated at one's job and says, "I feel like running away and becoming a street musician!", then Whoa, maybe becoming a street musician or at least a part-time musician is what would be better for you in your life.

One of my close relatives has been speaking to me about their high-pressure job, and about wanting to escape to something quieter. Well, escape doesn't necessarily mean failure and does not necessarily mean that the place of escape is less worth-while or less stressful in its own way. Is it failure to take your hand off a burner if you "could" have stood longer? "Escape" can be the sanest option available.