Elisabeth's path

[Andie Elisabeth]

It's been almost two weeks since my @#$%; what-ifs (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?171175-what-ifs&highlight=) thread. I have scheduled an appointment with therapist for next week (Tuesday). She doesn't deal with TG/TS people but since I don't know yet where I will be in July or in September I decided to visit the only one on campus and she's only part timing here once a week. One would thought that for uni with 20k students would have a full time therapist on campus. In July I plan to find someone more permanent, I promise.

And note to the uniforms thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?171290-Changing-the-set-of-uniforms): I didn't made a habit not to wear everyday. Old habits die hard.

[kimdl93]

well, I'm glad you were able to fit in a visit. I do hope that she proves helpful in working out some of your concerns. Ideally, she wouldn't offer solutions one way or another, that's not her job. What she can do, tho she's not a specialist in the area of TG/TS issues, is help you work through the process of clarifying your own thinking. Best of luck!

[Julia_in_Pa]

Elisabeth,

Excellent news concerning therapy.

Be well sister. :)


Julia

[Andie Elisabeth]

After a long time, probably 1.5+ year, I was able to meditate today longer than 5 minutes, actually it was close to an 1.5 hour with 3 breaks (legs hurt as they are no longer used to the position). After an 0.5 hour of total white noise caused by wild monkeys I have sort of met myself. Actually I met myself when a man, a woman and a kid merged together and she (me) was sort of the result and I knew that I am her and she is me. And she is the reason why I began build my "fortress on the plains of Nerdfeld" when I was one of three swimmers bundled together with an ice hockey team and I did not fit in. The fourth swimmer was girl and she got into a class with "normal" kids.

It was a nice hour with her (^_^) I called her Andie, she called me Elisabeth. Will I want to be (with) her again? You bet. :hugs: How I will achieve it? I don't know yet but I've survived so much pain that I don't care how long it'll take and where this journey will lead. But I know that right now I on my path to find my peace :)

[Jorja]

It's good to hear you have started to explore yourself. You never know whom you might find.

[Andie Elisabeth]

Thank you all for support.

My 0th therapy session ended about 20 minutes ago. She was completely honest and helpful. Honest in way that she told that there is no space (timewise) to do a systematical therapy with her due to a fact that she is only part-timing at school and number of students.

EDIT: Next possible I appt I was able to secure with her to tell her how am I doing is 1½ month away.
EDIT 2: I hit a little roadblock because I was recommended a therapist who doesn't have a contract with my insurance company (-_-) So I am waiting for another recommendation.

But we have talked a little so I got some painful things out of me. She gave me contacts to whom I should call, one for therapy and one for medication. To both I will call tomorrow after I'll deal with bureaucratical mishap.

[Andie Elisabeth]

When I had 20th birthday my classmate told me his realization that I am not a teen anymore and that I'll 30 pretty soon. The next year it repeated except for the teen part :heehee: Both times I told him not to freak out. 90 minutes ago was my 23rd birthday and I still don't freak out and he's still my friend :)

Because my mom had her small tax advisory company we never had fancy celebration of our birthdays at home so birthdays are to me more of a milestones when I can look back. This birthday was/is, I am still awake :), special in this way. This birthday I am not down because I have question and no answers. This year I have answers to questions I have not even thought of yet. I found my answers. I don't like some of them but the knowing them is a force that makes me to act accordingly.

I definitely know that...
... I want to live
... I am not a boy/guy/man even though I was born as one
... I am functioning in a language that I have learnt as a second language
... I need to uncover dismantled fortress that I have build to protect myself
... I have to leave Prague after this semester ends
... I'll have to talk with mom about some of above and below soon
... I fear a lot
... I can stop caring whether or not I pass as a guy :)
... I was a mess for longer time than it was neccessary

The weird thing is that I have a problem :straightface: labeling myself as a transsexual but I am quite comfortable thinking about myself as a geeky girl :) So that's who I am now. Is it a pink fog or something like that? I have no @#$%!; idea but with this realisation comes a raw long term plan with its milestones and I have something to do :D. I don't have paralysing questions anymore (Why am I here? What is my purpose? etc. You get the idea.).

[Kristy_K]

Happy birthday Andie. I hope that they just keep getting better for you.

That was a nice start on you therapist. Just because she isn't TG doesn't mean she can't point you in the right direction.

I wouldn't worry about labeling yourself as a TS or anything. Accepting yourself for who you are is the most important thing.

[Laurie Ann]

Andie,

Happy birthday I am glad you are taking these steps now I waited until I was into my fifties and it was a living hell for me mentally.

[Andie Elisabeth]

Thank you :)

Today was hopefully first of moving days, day when I am able to do something as opposed to day when I am able to do little more than just to get out of bed due various reasons. I was actually able to talk to therapist and book an appointment with her. Last week I called her and no one answered. Hopefully it'll be also last appt with her and I'll find in July someone closer to home.

Then I was able to book an appointment with a doc who can help me with my sleep problems and depression.

It'll be 10 p.m. and I am actually tired. Good night. :D

P.S.: After row of nights when I went to sleep at 1 or 2 a.m. it feels pretty good to go to sleep this early.

[Andie Elisabeth]

For past couple of weeks I had and still have lots of things on my to do list but I can't get focused to get them done, hockey world championship is only partially to blame. I have for really long time felt that my skin is not my own, not trapped because I have always found an temporary escape (computers, buddhism [fake escape], books, my own writings etc.), but I still managed to push through with raw energy that I have had more than enough. This time I am short of this energy. I am not confused who I am. I feel I am a girl inside, I know it but I get thoughts that I should stay the way I am but I can't. I hold my penguin plushie and wait for the wave of anxiety to go away so I can do what I have to do.

It's not working. I don't know but it seems to me that I have passed the threshold until which I could push it back. My skin doesn't feel like my own, energy is low and next week I have two exams, one is non critical and the other should be quite easy, and on top of I have to submit my graduation thesis. :sad: It sucks.

The worst thing is that my roommate probably will be at school and he stinks. Not to mention his attitude to live in a clean room but in that he's no better than my previous two roommates.
</rant>

So my plan for next week is to do as many things as humanly possible. And when I come home on Saturday I'll need to come out. By then it will be clearer where I'll be next year or so. Traveling weekly more than six hours sucks.