My Transition at Work Begins!

[Pamela Kay]

I had "The Talk" with my boss yesterday afternoon. I came out to him and laid out my plan for transition which is flexible within a few months. I called another MtF in my organization who is only a month or two into full time, and got some info from her before I talked to my boss. I told him he could call her boss and he did that today. I explained to him where I am, how long I have been in therapy and on HRT, and discussed my support group participation. I told him my plan and the general time line I have in mind. I also told him I didn't want to cause any more disruption at work than I absolutely had too.

He talked to his boss today and she has pledged her full support too. He also contacted the civil rights representative and she was appreciative that I had come to them early to work out the transition plan. She is supposed to contact me directly soon. It will give them plenty of time to perform the training they want too and give my coworkers more time to adjust before I come to work as Pam. The bosses are even going to send someone with me for awhile when I go back out to do public seminars just to make sure I stay safe. I hadn't thought of that but I'm happy they are thinking about my safety.

Anyway, the ball is rolling now so things are starting to happen. It will be October/January time frame before I go full time but I can see the day coming now when I can finally be me.

:yahoo:

[arbon]

That is great Pamela hoping it all goes very well for you with your job :)

[Jorja]

Congratulations on taking such a big step. There will be repercussions, there always is but you can handle them. Keep us informed.

[Rianna Humble]

Looks like you did your homework well and gave your boss the sort of reassurance that he would have been looking for. Well done for the preparation as well as the outcome. I'm really glad for you that they are going to work with you to make this a success. :hugs:

[Julia_in_Pa]

Pam,


Fantastic news sister!! I'm so happy for you!

Like you said everything is set in motion.
Your hard work and perseverance is paying off. :)


Julia

[Sandra1746]

It sounds like you have done your homework and that your company has a favorable history but there are sure to be rough patches in the process. That is however part of life, the road is never always smooth. Hopefully your co-workers will be understanding as well. Best of luck on your journey.

Hugs and good luck,
Sandra1746

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Pam thats good news .Congrats on your new you.

[LeaP]

Huge steps, Pam. Good thought and work, and congratulations on getting through what is undoubtably some of the hardest initial meetings.

Lea

[Kristy_K]

Congrats Pam. I hope everything will go as smooth as you had plan it.

I wrote a coming out letter for my company to give to my fellow employees. They really like that idea and it help explain why I was transitioning.

The best of luck,
Kristy

[Katesback]

I got confused at how many bosses had how many discussions about this that and the other thing.

Advice you can either ignore or use.

1. The sooner you learn not to talk to your co-workers about all your trans stuff the better. This might be contrary to the excitment you feel but hey the advice still stands.

2. Plan on finding a new job. You are still at a high risk of being fired (like if you are a disruption because you talk to co-workers about trans stuff). Even if you are not fired you might have a realitization like some of us do and that is you want to leave the job so you can start a new job at a place where NOBODY knew the boy from before.

Just some wise advice. You of course can ignore it.

Katie

[StaceyJane]

Pamela, It's great that you've got the ball rolling. I hope that everything goes great.

But Kate's advice is something you might have to consider.

[SandraAbsent]

Congratulations on this very big step. Just remember the 6 p's to coming out and transitioning in place. Proper prior planning prevents poor perception!

[Pamela Kay]

Thanks for the support everyone!

I probably should have mentioned that I work for the US Government, so I probably have a little more stability than most.
They have well established policies and procedures to follow so it isn't totally new to them.

Sorry for the confusion Kate, my boss and his boss are both in the loop as well as HR and the civil rights department.
I don't really want to leave my current position and can't really afford too. I have let everyone involved know that I want to make this as low key as possible and with a minimum of drama. Since I am in the training division and do both classroom and seminar training with other government employees and the public there is no way I can avoid all of it. I just want to keep it to a minimum.

So far everyone in management and HR have been totally supportive. I agree with you Kate and I'm not the type that will throw myself out there and say "here I am, deal with it." I just want to be me and cause the least amount of hoopla as possible.

[Tammy V]

Congratulations Pam and I Really admire the way you are approaching your transition. You have a very good situation with your career and your "no fear" approach is something I really look up to :) I know its harder than you make it look but keep us posted and it definately sounds like you are approaching the situation the right way. The government policy is such that they really cannot discriminate against you and I do hope that most of your coworkers accept you personally as well. Having your direct boss as an ally will be key I think and all the best to you sis!

[Inna]

Congrats Pam, solid steps had been taken and new life awaits, YEY! the only thing left is what to wear on monday, hmmmmm........

[RachelOKC]

Pamela, that's great news and I wish you the best of luck. Having lived in OK for a while (till 2002), I know that it can be a difficult place for people to transition on the job but I've known plenty who were successful too. Wouldn't surprise me if we knew some of the same folks!


Congratulations on this very big step. Just remember the 6 p's to coming out and transitioning in place. Proper prior planning prevents poor perception!

In the scouts we always said it as the Eight P's: "Piss poor prior preparation precipitates piss poor performance." :p

[Shapeshiffter]

Congratulations on the big step. And yes now you have to decide what to wear on Monday.

[Pamela Kay]

Thanks everyone. I still have a few more Monday's to go yet but it's definitely going to happen now.

I've lived in Oklahoma all my life Rachel so I know what you mean. If you want to PM me sometime, my current support group leaders used to be part of the Red Rock group here in OKC.

I've had friends comment on how strong or courageous it is that I am transitioning this way. Im sure those of you that have traveled this path before me know that after a point, necessity outweighs the fear and doubt or tips the scales when you are more afraid of not transitioning than transitioning.

I couldn't do it without my friends, support group, family, and friends here on this forum. Once again, thank you all.

[morgan51]

Congratulations on your endeavors. I truly wish you the best of luck you are off to a great start. With all the preparation and considerations you will do fine! I applaud you and appreciate your sharing with us. Thankyou!

[Nicole Erin]

What to wear on Monday? that won't be a problem cause GOVT workers get like 51 mondays a year off work on count of silly holidays :D
But yeah it would be best to keep conversations about your transition to a minimum. I work as a woman and I am sure most know the deal but I never talk about it. Most times I don't even think about it. I am too pre-occupied with being bored or how soon my next cigarette break is.

OH also about switching jobs, if that does happen, one nice thing is this -
They will know only your new female name. At your present job, you will constantly hear, "John, er Jane..."

The name people know you by first is the one that sticks. No one at my job except the supervisor who hired me knows my male name and I plan on keeping it that way. She knows only cause I had to fill out this background clearance BS and she had to verify all info was on there.

[emmicd]

pam,

good luck and best wishes to you!

emmi

[Pamela Kay]

I talked with the wife again this weekend and have changed the transition plans some again. She says things are moving too fast with me for her and she knows now that I have to do this, even though she still doesn't understand it, and she doesn't want to hold me back. We were going to sell our home and still stay married and live together during my transition. Now she is going to move back home with her parents who are both in their 70's. I will rent someplace and continue my transition and we will stay married for awhile so she will have insurance and support.

I am going to start electrolysis as soon as I can and have sent my pictures and info to Dr. Cardenas, who did Inna's and Melissa's FFS for evaluation and an estimated price. I want to try and have the FFS surgery done the first week of October and then go full time when I get back, and at work around the middle of November.

That's the plan right now. I'm sure it will change again but this what I'm working toward.

[Traci Elizabeth]

I don't know how to interrupt your remarks about your wife. One moment she's supportive then the next moment you two are going to live separately and stay married "for awhile."

So my question of you is that your doing or your wife's, or is that something you both equally want?

[Pamela Kay]

Sorry Traci,

The decision to divorce had already been made. At first we were going to sell the house, pay off the debt, and go our separate ways, then she wanted to stay and live together as friends. Since I'm becoming more comfortable with being dressed both at home and out, she is becoming less comfortable with it. We are very close to her brother and his family and they are over at our house quite a bit. They don't want the kids to see me as Pam so my transition is starting to become more real to her now.

We still love each other as friends and always will. Our relationship is transitioning now too and we are working through things as we go.
After being together for over 25 years we both want to do what's best for the other. I want to make sure she is supported and has insurance until she can make it on her own. Since I'm focusing on transition and not even thinking about another relationship now, it really doesn't make much difference and works out better for both of us financially too.

I'm on the road for work this week and am not the greatest at doing this on my phone so sorry I'm a little slow responding.

[Katesback]

Pam on your behalf if you and your wife hang up the hat and go your separate ways it will probably be for the best. Why do I say this. Well because you now have a mission to accomplish and someone trying to stop your mission or control it is not really much fun now is it?

You might have saw me write this before. Transition takes a 100% effort. It is the hardest thing you will ever do. If you dont understand what I mean take a trip to your local support group and sit there and listen to the sob stories from the people that didnt or dont give a 100% effort. Come to think of it you will see many of those stories here as well.

Katie

[Starling]

Good luck, Pam. I hope it all works out according to plan; but if there are glitches, I wish you a soft landing and a fresh start.

:) Lallie

[Paulette]

Pam it sounds like you have done all you can do on the job front to make the transition smooth. Remember to keep your eye on the ball at work as now you need to be like all of the other women in your field working harder to prove you are as capable as the men. Hard work at the highest levels of competency will always trump petty minds gossiping. Good luck and know you sisters here at this forum are always on your side and want only the best for you now and in the future.

[Pamela Kay]

Thanks Kate,

I do understand what you mean and that is some of what is starting to happen. That's why we have decided to go ahead and live separately as soon as we can sell the house. I just need to make sure she gets settled too. Like I said, it's her transition too and I need to make sure she ends up OK.

[Tamara 5]

you go girl we are all behind you good luck lol Tamara

[Pamela Kay]

Had this all typed up and lost it once (grrr), so I'll try it again.

Talked to the lady in the civil rights department this afternoon. She was very nice and we talked about my situation at work, home, therapy, hormones, and where I'm at with my transition. I asked whether I could use sick leave for my FFS since most employers and insurance consider "cosmetic surgery" as not being covered. She laughed and said yes I could use sick leave and they didn't expect me to come right back to work after a surgery.

I told her about my transition plan, when I'm coming out at work, when I'm scheduling FFS, coming back full time after FFS, changing my name, etc. She thanked me for letting them know ahead of time and not springing it on them with short notice. She also said that once I transitioned that I will be considered no different than any other female in my workplace and if anyone gives me any problems to let her know and she would take care of it.

So far management has been very supportive. I'm sure there are rough spots waiting ahead but I'm thankful that I haven't had to deal with any concerning my employment yet.

Should hear back from Dr Cardenas about his evaluation and recommendations for my FFS this week. Looking forward to seeing what he recommends.

One more step down the path taken.

[KayleahDee]

That is a task. I don't know if or when I may make that decision to cross-over to the other gender. All I know is that it will be devastating to some family back home.

[Pamela Kay]

Just a quick update.

Met with my boss last week and it looks like I'll be coming out at work on the 23rd of this month. We already have a scheduling meeting set up for that date and all but one employee will be in that day. This is the meeting where we schedule our work for the entire new fiscal year. Since I'm going to be out for 6 weeks starting Oct 1st for FFS and transitioning when I return this will be a good time to address my transition. I'm still going to stick with my plan and wait until I come back from FFS to transition.

Letting my coworkers know a little earlier will hopefully give them extra time ask questions and to try and understand my situation. Putting it out there for everyone to know will also take some stress off of me, not having to keep it a secret any longer. I did come out to one of my female coworkers last Friday. We probably talked for 3 hours, she was suprised but said she admired my courage and would support me in every way she could. My boss and organization has said the same.

I still have to get some work done on the house and get it on the market. The wife and I have found apartments we are going to go to when it sells and we have sorted and gotten rid of a lot of stuff. We still have a lot of things to work out but we are getting along better now than we have in years. She has decided that she wants to divorce when the house is sold instead of waiting instead of stringing it out. I totally understand this and agree that it will probably be better for both of us.

It seems like time is dragging but things are happening at high speed in transition time. (Kind of like dog years)

[Rachel Smith]

Congratulations Pam.

Rachel

[emmicd]

Dear Pam,
I can sense how happy and relieved you are in your tone. I am very happy for you and I wish you the very best. You deserve to be happy! I hope your family will be there for you as well! Thank you also for all your kind advice and sharing your experiences with all of us here.
Good Luck!

emmi

[Pamela Kay]

Well the meeting has been set to come out to my coworkers. It will be the 22nd of this month on Friday not the 23rd.
I'm taking vacation the following week and having facial clearing at E3000 so they will have some time to talk about it at the office while I'm gone.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Excellent Pam!!


Julia

[Nicole Erin]

So, got plenty of work clothes ready? Also ready for the upkeep on going to work each day as Pamela?

Aren't you glad though that you can now live full time as a woman?

There is always talk about "passing, being full time, blah blah" but my personal opinion of "living full time" means also working as a woman.

Right now you are jumping thru hoops, preparing etc, but soon will come a day when you realize, "Hey, this is normal life now". And at that point, any fears you have about going to work as a woman will be long gone. It is nice.

[Pamela Kay]

Well I'm coming out but it will still be October after FFS before I transition at work. Plan on going full time ouside of work before that.

Trying to work it with my plan and with work schedules. Since we schedule nearly all of our work for the coming year next week I needed to schedule my 6 weeks off for FFS.

Thanks Julia and Nicole!

I'm already sorting guy clothes to get down to the bare minimum and thinking about buying womens clothes for work. Didn't want to get to carried away yet since I'm having lipo too and don't know for sure where my waist will end up yet. lol

[Kristy_K]

I am very happy for you Pam.

[Pamela Kay]

Thanks Kristy!

Haven't told you but you look great! I'm glad your surgery and transition has gone well.

[Pamela Kay]

Tomorrow is the big day, hope it turns out well.

[arbon]

Will be thinking of you tomorrow :) It's going to go well :hugs:

[Badtranny]

Tomorrow is the big day, hope it turns out well.

Ya feel that? That's what courage feels like. :-)

TS broads are some kind of fierce and I'm proud as hell to be counted among you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hopefully its going great!!! Hopefully people aren't crying in the streets over the Thunder!

[Jorja]

Well, by now Pam has been run out of town on a rail or it was taken somewhat reasonable. Only time will tell!

[Rachel Smith]

Belated congratulations and well wishes. I hope it all went well for you.


Rachel

[Pamela Kay]

Thanks for the support friends. Well I did it and there's no turning back now. It was one of the toughest things I've ever done but I feel much better today.

Everyone came by my office at some point in the afternoon and let me know they support me. There are still a couple people I'm not sure about but they were the ones I thought I would have the hardest time with. So far it has gone better than I hoped but it's still 3 months before I have FFS and go full time as Pam. I did get some tearful hugs from most of the women and even a regular hug from one of the guys.

A lot of things could still happen between now and then but it's looking promising.

Melissa, I've found the woman in me is far stronger than the man ever was.

[Pamela Kay]

Well, by now Pam has been run out of town on a rail or it was taken somewhat reasonable. Only time will tell!

No, they discussed other topics until almost noon before it was time for me. Definitely stressed and thought I was going to have a heart attack from the anxiety before I got to tell my story.

[ColleenA]

I've found the woman in me is far stronger than the man ever was.

That is a wonderful sentiment, Pam. You should mount it on your wall. :)

[arbon]

Glad you got through it alright, that part is over now at least and it sounds like it went alright. On to the next thing :)

[TerryTerri]

Congradulations for the progress Pam! We have a few things in common. We both work for the federal government and are both starting RLE in October. I've been employed at the same place since 1996 and many I work with have been there longer than I have. So, it's gonna be kinda wierd in that these folks have known me so long as the male person I presented to them. However, I really don't think I'm gonna have any real difficulties. First off, working for the Federal Government provides awesome protections with such things. Second, the organization I work for has ALWAYS had a culture of diversity, inclusion and respect. I am pretty well liked by most, I'm not a controversial character and am mostly cheerfull, helpful and attentive to others at my job. (During our last Christmas Party we had an office "Who's Who" which was voted on by all the workers. I was given the award for "Most Insightful" and I was told it was a landslide, I was humbly touched, but that's a different story.) I have a good solid professional reputation for what I do that makes me a valued employee not just at my site, but across my entire agency (there's about 60 of us across my agency that deal with the technology I work with and we maintain an agency wide network of collaboration and cooperation).
Anyway, my managers and HR have know of me for some time (over a year) and they have expressed and their actions have supported that they will do what they can to help and are genuinely okay with all of this. If they were not sincere with that, I would know it by now.
I do not have a specific date as of yet. I have a convention (I'm a Union Steward and it is our National Convention) in early October, so my current thoughts are probably right after that. We'll see.
Anyway, I hope BOTH our future plans work out. btw, with the broohaha that the Federal Governemnt makes over non-discrimination on transgender issues, to include medical. Once, I can I'm gonna start hounding OPM as to why medical expenses for ANYTHING having to do with transgender care are catagorically denied by ALL insurers the feds have. Seems kind of discriminatory to me. Unfortunately, my life has been so chaotic and disorganized the last few years that I have been unable to really start the ball rolling in an organized manner which might get some where.

If any wish to see the Feds own guidance about transgender employment within the federal government:

http://www.opm.gov/diversity/Transgender/Guidance.asp

I'm not complaining, but it is aweful hypocritical in my opinion as to being so forward about being non-discriminatory and turn right around and have policies that in effect are specifically and targetedly discriminatory.

(o:

[Pamela Kay]

Hey Teri, yes it is fortunate that we work for the federal government since they have such a good policy towards transgender people. I am like you in wondering how they can make such supportive and direct policy statements in the OPM policy and yet don't do the same with health insurance coverage. At least they are letting me use sick leave for my FFS instead of making me use vacation time. That too seems to be a contradiction to me, but I'm not going to argue about it.

My FFS is scheduled for October 2nd and I go full time as soon as it's done. I go back to work as Pam on November 13th and plan on getting my legal name change done while I'm off recovering. That's the plan anyway and I'm sticking to it, seems to be working so far.

Once again, I thank everyone who has given me such support. You are all a wonderful source of information and strength for me. This place is truly great and so are all of you.

[Pamela Kay]

Went back to work on Monday after coming out to my coworkers Friday before taking vacation last week to have full facial electrolysis at E3000.

So far it has been good for the most part. I have become closer with a couple of people than I was (both women) and am more distant with a couple as well. Some of my coworkers are off work this week taking vacation during the holiday week so I'll see what happens with them in the days to come.

I've caught myself pulling back from the others to give them space but thought that probably wasn't the best approach, at least after the first couple of days. I think I was more worried about myself, being rejected, than just being myself and the person they have always known. So now I am just me which is pretty much the same person they have known, with just a few differences.

I can say that since I'm out that I am more relaxed and comfortable with myself than I have ever been. I still have 3 months before going full time and there will be many more changes as my transition progresses. My family, friends, and coworkers are going through a transition as well and it's a learning experience for us all.

I'm sure there are rought spots ahead but I'm hopeful for the future.

[Rianna Humble]

Glad that you have had a good start back :hugs: I have also noticed women being more friendly. My HR link suggested that this is probably because I am more relaxed than I used to be before starting my transition. As you mention feeling that way too, this could be why the two women have become closer.

I think you are right to concentrate on just being yourself and doing your job rather than worry what everyone else might think or feel.

[Jorja]

You have the right idea. Just be yourself and deal with any problems as they arise.

[Sam-antha]

It is good to know that you are on the right road to wherever, that you are sticky to it andkeeping chirpy too. Thats important, so is being happy through the troubles
~Samm.