Where do I go from here?

[Janelle_C]

I've been CDing most for my adult life. When I was working full time and raising kids I didn't dress as much mainly because of not having the time. Now that I'm retired I've been dressing a lot more and by a lot I mean as much as I can. I'm still in the closet oh and my wife has known about my dressing most of our thirty years of marriage, but I don't think she knew how deep my feeling ran. I fond this site at the end of last year and it was wonderful to know that you are not alone, and to feel the love and support of every one here.I started therapy in January with my wife's support. After a couple of session with my therapist and being on this site I felt like I was flying. I overwhelmed my wife a little with all the stuff going throw my head. So we agreed that I wouldn't talk to her about things I'm thinking about unless I know that's what I want to do. I love my wife and I don't want to loss here over this. I was hoping on try to find a balance my be not a equal balance my be 70/30 split in Janelle's favor. As I explore and start to feel really good about my feminine self in therapy I know staying in the closet is not in my future. I've always for as long as I can remember had thought of wishing I was a woman on and off. But I love my wife and my children so I just always pushed past them. I'm still not sure how far I want to go or how much I'm willing to give up. I would love to take hormones and grow breats and feel more balanced but at what cost. Sorry for the long intro. So last night my wife and I are on a walk and I said I know I said I would talk about thing I want to do unless I know what I want. But its hard for me to make these decisions until I know how far you are willing to go. Basically she doesn't know if she could handle me going out, me being Janelle 24/7, or just me coming out to friends and family, and by coming out I just mean letting them know not dressing in front of them. She is worryed about how it will reflect on her. She asked me just two weeks ago have you ever thought of taking hormones and I said yes but I would only take them if I was ready to cone out. I told her I'm not saying that I know I want to become a woman, but I don't know that I don't either. That's where we are now. At 53 I'm feeling like time is running by me


Thanks for the ear Hugs, Janelle

[Laura912]

Wait till you get as old as some of the others here before you feel that time is running you by. :) I think maybe some pink fog lights are needed. You are quite fortunate to have a spouse with whom to discuss all this. To borrow from Barbara Ella, proceed in baby steps instead of at a gallop. Maybe some here who have gone the entire journey you are contemplating will help you see what is ahead. Best wishes for finding the way that works for everyone.

[Karren H]

I just passed 6 decades..... And I still have a hard time comprehending "omg.... Time is running out... I have to go do something before I die"! Maybe I'm just too laid back... Or content in my position and what I've done... But if your not happy with your current situation then go change it. Hopefully the changes make you happier. But as you know.... You can't have everything you want in life... There are concessions. Complications. Other people involved. I think of what I could have done vs what I have done and what I'm doing right now and could I keep doing this going forward and be as happy as I am right now? and even though my time is running out.... And I never crossdressed again... I could be happy.... As long as there's an ice rink near by and I can still skate!

[suchacutie]

I'm sure everyone is going to suggest "giving it a test drive". Living as a woman for even a week is very different from the occasional transition.

Run it around the block and you'll have an increased perspective!

tina

[Chari]

No matter how much you "come out of the closet", your entire life from that moment on will never be the same. Family, friends, work - it all changes, sometimes not for what you expected, but for the attitude of others not to accept the "different new you". Continue to communicate with everyone to give you some insight as to feelings and understanding - theirs AND yours. Be very thankful you have an understanding, helpful SO, as they are very rare! What ever you decide and when to do it, please always be comfortable and confident in YOUR choices!

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

I've had a lot of the same thoughts, at 55 I really wish that I could live full time as a woman and I would take hormones and get breast implants and my wife knows all this. Life would be too hard though, my family would get over it but I really would rather them not have to so I remain hidden to all but my wife. Had I my life to do over again from my late teens and early twenties I would have done things much differently. Of course I always said that if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle so "if" will have to be if only......

[kimdl93]

You need to take it slowly. Your wife and family deserve that much from you. I fully understand the feelings - I have the same ones. But we still must also recognize that we have obligations...serious, deep and permanent responsibilities towards the others in our life. That doesn't mean staying in the closet - far from it. But it does mean being attentive and responsive to your wife and her concerns. It means reassuring everyone that you are and always will be the person they've relied upon all their lives.

You don't need to talke about hormones, or going 24/7 or coming out to friends and family yet. Give it time. You've been in therapy since January...that's barely even a start at peeling this particular onion.

[Kate T]

You've got plenty of time.

Pink fog comes to mind. Your wifes concerns are legitimate but you also need to talk to her about your feelings. You also need to sort out fantasy from reality, as a few others have suggested living as a woman is a COMPLETELY different kettle of fish to crossdressing and even going out en femme on a regular basis.

[Wonderwho]

Beware, there are demons at the door! Once you open the door of CDing there is no going back. Remember that CDing has cost famielies, freinds and sometimes your very own sanity There are many here to give you their love and express their concerns. Learn by what you read, I am sure there are a lot of tears dotting the keyboards of this site. Take your time think everything thru and by all means talk everything thru with your wife, she will hopefully be there if you fall in those high heel of the future.
Wonderwho

[Barbara Ella]

Janelle, i am older, but have only realized I was a crossdresser for 7 months. I know the feeling of perhaps seeing the end, and this did affect my behavior, and perhaps led to scaring my wife a bit. She now has some boundaries for me, which i was following even before, but now she has some certainty, and it helps her. We do not discuss dressing unless she brings it up. She has said that she wants me to go out of the house, and become more active in the community, which shocked me given her earlier feelings.

I will not out myself to anyone but my wife. I will not transition even if I become aware that I am really TS, as my commitment to my wife is greater than my commitment to myself. there are things I would love to do, but wont right now. Maybe later, but who knows, and when it is a who knows situation, it is not worthy of being discussed. thinking things through well in advance only means that you will be making a lot of changes when you finally decide to do something. Wait until you are going to do it, and then make your plans and move forward.

Focus on the present, and not the future. Take care of your wife's needs and concerns, make that a priority for you, and you will be able to refocus your mind a little bit and worry less about what you are doing. While that may not sound like something that would be pleasant to do, given it usually means a little less dressing, the happiness and relief in her behavior will make up for it.

Barbara

[Marleena]

Great advice here!

STOP the pink fog has taken control. You've gone from CD to thinking TS way too fast. Your wife has to be concerned even if she's not showing it. Slow down take your time and see where this heading. Think very carefully who you need to tell you CD and consult with your wife first because she may not agree.
What you're doing now is a marriage killer, slow down.
Good luck.:)

[Alice B]

At least you are having open discussion with your wife. I would take it slowly with small steps.Try to work out times that you can openly dress at home, then dress in her presence. Give that some time to allow her to become comfortable with that. Then you might be able to tell your children, whom I assume are adults at this time. Next step to be able to dress and go out. Then maybe the chance to attend an event for dresers like DLV. All of this will take time, maybe even a few years. Then you will have a better idea as to who and what you really want to be. Open,honest discussion is necessary through the entire process. It is too easy to get ahead of yourself and let the pink fog over come you.

[CINDYO]

married 30 years, congrads... like many others have said, this in not just about you... sorry....can't be too self centred.

[Tamara Croft]

You don't know if you want to be a woman or not? A TS knows and they don't take hormones just to grow breasts. Sounds more like pink fog to me, retired and dressing more and more.... pink fog, does wonders for your marriage... NOT!!!

[ronda]

i know the feeling of wanting to do all the thing you think you don't have time to domy wife found my stuff about 11 year ago we almost split i realized tha t she was the love of my life and i did not want to loose her and she loved me 4 years ago we found that she was terminal and i devoted my life to taking care of her and everything for her i am so glad now that we found some common groud between us she let me have my time in the early am to dress every day and the rest of the day was for her in jan she passed i now have all the time i want to dress and do enjoy derssing everyday but it is very lonely so chose wisely my friend you can have a lot of time a lone or just a little and be with the one you love slow down and take time to think clearly about what you want

[AnitaH]

I am just about your age. My wife and I have been struggling with my transgender/ transsexual, issues together. I know exactly how you feel about life passing you by but I must caution you, as others have, to go slow don't push your wife past where she is willing to go.

Transitioning can, and often has, cost spouse, family, friends and jobs. So has going too fast.

AnitaH

[Janelle_C]

Thank you all. I realized that I bum rushed her a little. And got her some rose. We talked a little more and I told her it's just a little hard to go to therapy and start to feel good about your self and know it's just who you are but just stay in the closet and every thing will be okay. I told her it's very lonely in there. She told me she is working on it and we will get throw this. I know I have to slow down it's just a little hard.
Hugs, Janelle

[Tina B.]

I'm another old codger, I've been out to my wife for 35 years, and to this day, she gets a cold sweat thinking I might be discovered. I have a large wardrobe, and wear what I want at home, when I want, with out problem, and she is fine with it, but take it out into the world, where her friends might find out, that would mortify her. She has also always worried about how safe it is for a crossdresser to be out and about. Out of love and respect to her, I would never put her in that position, or risk what I have with her. Fortunately I have never felt secure enough in my presentation to want to go out anyway, but even if I did, I would never risk what I have at home, I would just as soon stay home, and dress in what makes me feel whole, as to chance wearing what I want to, in public, and maybe come home to an empty house at the end of the day, as you get older, wifes get harder to replace, besides, I like the one I've got!
Tina B.

[Marleena]

Janelle you might also be experiencing gender dysphoria (not sure). Since you are seeing a therapist tell them how overwhelming this has become and you don't want to upset your wife. You didn't mention if this is a gender therapist either. It needs to be one.

[Launa]

I was in the same boat as you were up until the last 3 months, I wanted to do a whole bunch of stuff right now and fast. Although I have fantasized many times over about being a woman I would never wanted to fully transition because I know that would be too darastic at this point in my life and it would be like throwing 500 lbs of TNT into my house and lighting the fuse. Maybe if I was real young like 13 or 15 things might have been different but thats a big maybe. Remember fantasy and reality are different!!!
I have gone out in public with my SO once this past halloween and it was fun, a great big thrill. I went out a second time without her because she didn't want to come with me. She said I just can't get into it all the time. So I went out, it was fun but there were no fireworks and being without her wasn't the same. I will go out again beacuse I like to be a girl sometimes but its not all what it seems to be.
Its like finding an old girlfriend online, seeing a picture of her and shes real supper hot and you start fantasizing about being with her but the true reality is a whole different kettle of beans. Time is not running out, you're life is good you probably need a bit of time to be a girl once and a while.