Wedding Request

[Chari]

My younger cousin has finally accepted a proposal to be married later this year. We have always been somewhat rebellious rivals, but have also been there for each other in times of need, and kept some very personal secrets. I am thrilled that she would want me to be her wedding planner. However there is a bigger quandary, as she has insisted that I be in her bridal party as her Maid of Honor, and said her fiance and the other bridesmaids are fine with it. She stated this would mean I would be a full participant in dress fittings, selection of shoes, hair styles, manicures, pedicures, body waxings, facial makeovers, and all the other feminine events of a bridal party. I don't want to disappoint her, but feel it may be offensive to some - especially the older folks, and I could detract from her special day. My cousin has continually helped, accepted, and supported me to "come out" and enjoy my feminine side to the point that we have gone in public as "girlfriends". She is a very demanding individual and usually gets her way and I know will do whatever it takes for me to be her MOH.
Thanx for your comments and ideas.

[Sarah C.]

Wow, what an incredible opportunity! I can certainly understand your concerns though. This is the brides big day, and this is her wish, so I think that if you're comfortable with the idea, you should go for it! That would be so awesome to do all those girly things with a group of accepting GG's. Don't let this be one of those things where 10 years from now you say, "I really wish I had done that!".

Cheers,
Sarah C.

[Laura912]

Although the day is frequently all about the bride, you may want to make sure the groom is approving. If both parties are freely accepting, then enjoy your time.

[Launa]

[QUOTE=Laura912;2806358]Although the day is frequently all about the bride, you may want to make sure the groom is approving. If both parties are freely accepting, then enjoy your time.

Agreed, if there is anyone in the "immediate group" that is hesitant then I would bow out and tell her not to put any pressure on a stressful day for everybody thats involed.
As far as the older folks go, who cares, they will need to be told to get with the times! They can handle it. I'm jealous!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[stacycoral]

Chari, wow girl, i understand where your coming from, it sound so delightful to think about being the maid of honor, but i can understand the not wanting to cause any trouble for your cousins be event. I guess it is up to what you think so the best for her. It sounds like she feels like your a woman and want you to be able to share her biggest day with you as she see you. I wish you the best. Some people will never let us be who we want to be no matter what, Take care.

[Ginger]

Wow What an Honor, if all parties involved are ok and your cousin wants you to be the MOH then go for it. This is absolutely the chance of a lifetime. Enjoy her wedding and enjoy yourself with this GREAT HONOR !!! I bet ther are alot of us who wish we were in your shoes.

[DonnaT]

Seems clear that she could care less what the olds would say. And since she said her fiance and the other bridesmaids are fine with it, then you shouldn't worry about anyone else either.

Relax and have fun. Well, as much as you can outside of all the planning, and being responsible for the bachelorette party.

[kimdl93]

Its her wedding, so I think you should go along with her request. The older, less accepting will just have to deal with it.

[LeannL]

Chari,

What an opportunity. I am sure there are a lot of us here that are jealous of you!

WRT the older folks being put off by it, there are a number of things to consider. First, don't assume that the old folks aren't understanding. They have lived a long life and seen many things. You being the MOH is probably not the most out of the box thing many of them have seen. Second, how well do you pass? If the old folks aren't going to read you the minute you step down the isle, then, again, don't worry about it. Those that know about and are cool, aren't going to say a thing. Those that don't know about it are going to believe that you are the beautiful MOH that the bride wanted to have in her wedding and won't think twice about it.

So bow to the wishes of your cousin and be the maid of honor.

Leann

[gerry]

If it were me, as much as I would love it, I would stay away from it. Unless you are extremely passable, you are a man in bridesmaid dress. As much as the other girls are ok with it, when it comes to the dress fittings, selection of shoes, hair styles, manicures, pedicures, body waxings, facial makeovers, and all the other feminine events of a bridal party, unless you are extremely passable, you are a man in dress. Often times the best we can look is in our heads. With as acceptin as she is, have fun with on another occasion and don't detract from her special day.

[carhill2mn]

Most of "us" can only dream of an opportunity such as this!

[Voulez-Vous]

If it were me, as much as I would love it, I would stay away from it. Unless you are extremely passable, you are a man in bridesmaid dress. As much as the other girls are ok with it, when it comes to the dress fittings, selection of shoes, hair styles, manicures, pedicures, body waxings, facial makeovers, and all the other feminine events of a bridal party, unless you are extremely passable, you are a man in dress. Often times the best we can look is in our heads. With as acceptin as she is, have fun with on another occasion and don't detract from her special day.

As exciting as this whole thing sounds, I have to agree with this. Unless you're 110% passable, It would be very uncomfortable for the others in the bridal party.

[tiffanyjo89]

Not to shun the nay-sayers (they bring up some valid points, particularly about detracting from her wedding), but if the bridesmaids and her fiance are okay with you being a maid of honor and going through everything that the other women would be going through, then I'd say go for it.

If it was my wedding, I'd want it to be the way I (and my wife-to-be, of course) want it to be, not the way some guest who can be easily erased from the list wants it to be. Why? It's our day, not theirs...

[Cheryl T]

I can see your hesitation, but what an opportunity.
I'm not sure I could do the community waxings and such, but the rest of the responsibilities of maid of honor would be such a thrill to experience.

[Joann Smith]

Its her wedding, so I think you should go along with her request. The older, less accepting will just have to deal with it.

I am in agreement with this ...maybe its her intent to piss off some people ...If she asked you to be the MOH that must mean she hold you in pretty high regard so it is truly an honor and what anybody elese may or may not think about it ...not your concern... its her day she is suppose to get what ever she wants...

[Voulez-Vous]

I am in agreement with this ...maybe its her intent to piss off some people ...If she asked you to be the MOH that must mean she hold you in pretty high regard so it is truly an honor and what anybody elese may or may not think about it ...not your concern... its her day she is suppose to get what ever she wants...

Ok, this is getting a little weird now. maybe its her intent to piss off some people ? on her wedding day ?

[Barbara Ella]

As males, we all know that what the bride wants, the bride gets. period. As crossdressers, though, we know the social implications of doing this, and recognize where problems could arise. You just need several long and hard talks with her as you do the planning (dont stop that) to make doubly certain she wants this, and that all people involved are aware. If her parents are paying, and are fine with this, good. If they object, it could get dicey, and they could develop some resentment over what they might perceive as your interference, which you aren't. You just need to talk this through several time with her.

And yes, rebellious youth will quite often do things just to irritate certain individuals, especially at the most inopportune times, it makes them happy in a sad sort of way.

This is her day, and just make sure she is really really happy about doing this. If so, You should have the most fun you possibly can, and look your absolute most gorgeous for the occasion.

Barbara

[Alice B]

It s her wedding. Make her happy and have fun yourself since you are already out to those that care. What other think is not important and you may make new friends in the process.

[Sue Too]

Its her wedding, so I think you should go along with her request. The older, less accepting will just have to deal with it.

I agree with Kim but with one caveat Make sure that the clergy performing the ceremony and anyone else with an active role in the ceremony are aware of the situation. The day should be as perfect as possible.

Susan in Phoenix

[joandher]

If this is what she wants then you go girl, you will only regret it if you don't for the rest of your life

its what the bride wants,and she has entrusted you with organizing everything else, she must see you as something special

ps dont forget the pictures

[Lynn Marie]

However there is a bigger quandary, as she has insisted that I be in her bridal party as her I don't want to disappoint her, but feel it may be offensive to some - especially the older folks, and I could detract from her special day.

I applaud you for your thoughtfulness on this matter. You show considerable heart and understanding. Although you and your cousin are very close and she wants to do something nice for you, she's just not thinking things through here. Young people are so often short-term adventurous, and long-term foolish. Right now she doesn't care what the parents, grand parents, uncles, aunts, and old friends may think. When she gets older, though, she will. Even if some won't notice, you will still be "read" or "clocked". She may even announce who you are in the program. This is really a bad idea. We never force feed our ideas to others. We feed them slowly and gently so they can get used to things without choking.

[Kate Simmons]

I say go for it Hon. Personally, I would not have to think twice about such an offer. Best wishes.:)

[Nikki A.]

I would be thrilled to be in your position and I would be dying to say yes.
However, I do agree that you wouldn't want to do anything that may detract from her speial day. Another thing, unless you are 100% open with being a CD this will definately blow any cover you have in the family & community.
Tnat said, if you do it have a great time.

[Badtranny]

Jeez o PETE!

I can't believe so many would say no, but then again this is a fairly skittish bunch. It's a wedding not a funeral and who cares if it's a "dude in a dress"? There isn't a crossdresser alive that wouldn't look like a guy while standing next to bridesmaids in matching dresses and your cousin knows this.

You will not disappear and become indistinguishable from the other girls but you WILL have a blast and make some great new friends. If you want to do this, then do your diligence to make sure that those that really matter know what they're in for and then make the commitment. Full speed ahead. Pay no mind to the closet cases that are afraid of the clack of their own heels. You gots to be YOU. ...and be proud of it.

There will be nothing to regret if you do, but at least one thing to regret if you don't.

[Eryn]

I tend to the conservative side, but what an opportunity!

How passable are you? All eyes will be on the bride and groom, so if you are reasonably passable there should be no problem. If a couple of people in the audience have suspicions, so what?

If it were me, my main concern would be the comfort of the bride, groom, and the other bridesmaids. Talk with them and if they are all open-minded and happy with the idea then you should go for it.

I'd also be very sensitive to the feelings of the bridesmaids. One or more of them might be resentful that a CDer has taken their potential place as the maid of honor. Make sure that this concern is specifically addressed.

[Leslie Langford]

Chari,

If you need more inspiration, have a look at this thread from the Tennessee Bridal website, which deals with a similar issue regarding male ring-bearers, flower "girls", and bridesmaids. While the last postings to it took place some time ago, the information and POV's expressed in it are likely still relevant today. Bottom line - you would not be the first, and you won't be the last, male maid of honor.

http://www.tennesseebridal.com/fashion/children/ringbearer.asp

Seems to me that there was also another member of this forum, "gender_blender" ("Charlie") who served in a similar capacity at a wedding some time ago, and also reported on it here, along with pictures. Check the Forum archives to see if you can locate it, if you are interested.

[Diane Smith]

If the bride and groom are both comfortable with the idea, I think it's the opportunity of a lifetime. In fact, I'm a little jealous.

- Diane

[Marleena]

If the wedding party including the bride and groom are okay with it, it is a no brainer.

I think it is a wonderful opportunity and I would jump at it. Times are changing and people need to adapt or get left behind.

[Eryn]

Another thing to consider is the reception. In a formal reception the bride and groom are expected to dance first, followed by the maid of honor and the best man and then by the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Even in an informal reception there will be a lot more social interaction with people with whom you aren't familiar than in the ceremony so you should be prepared for that. Alcohol should also be taken into consideration if this is a reception where folks are likely to be imbibing.

Other variations are possible. Your female side could attend the ceremony with your male side attending the reception, for example. Work out the arrangement that will work best for you, remembering of course that it is the bride's day in the spotlight.

[Sophie_C]

If it's her choice, you've got to go with it. I'd do my best to make that point clear and to keep yourself out of the spotlight as possible. If she's as rebellious as she sounds, this sort of thing shouldn't be entirely unexpected, coming from her. ;)

[Lorenqt]

Its her wedding, so I think you should go along with her request. The older, less accepting will just have to deal with it.

I agree 100%. It is her wedding, they're guests at her wedding. If they don't like it, they can leave.

[Chari]

Many "Thanx" for all your comments and information! The wedding plans are now in motion and everyone is anxious to help organize things. An open casual meeting with my cousin (the bride to be), her fiance, parents, other wedding party members, and the minister was held to discuss traditions, procedures, and personal feelings - which amazingly all but one person was very accepting, & understanding of my involvement. It was suggested that my cousin and I go to her hairstylist/makeup consultant for me to have an "early hairstyle & makeover" to avoid any unforseen problems. My cousin believes I will "pass" without question! Will I be the MOH? The results of the makeover will determine that! If all goes well, it's off to the bridal boutique for dress selections and fittings in about two weeks. Will try to keep the forum up-to-date on progress.
hugs, Chari

[Chickhe]

Awsomely cool... take photos if you can... I look forward to hearing the stories!

[Krista Doll]

yea I'm so happy for you, and you are so lucky too have an accepting cousin. if all goes well please post some photos of the happy day. can't wait!!!!!!!!!

[crossdrezzer1]

I was a male maid of honer.. wrote about it here,,, might i suggest do all the girly pre things but tux it on the day..

[vivianann]

Go for it. I would if I were you.