Came out to Spouse but feel stuck in no win situation. Group wisdom request

[cdtraveler]

Came out to my spouse several weeks ago and have been seeing a gender specialist. My SO has been very understanding and based on what she read on line she feels my life long desire/need to dress is most likely not something that would be fair of her to ask me to give up, yet she is very clear that she can't stand the thought of seeing me dressed or the thought of me dressing yet she correctly senses there is more to my dressing than I've shared so far. Sounds like a don't ask to tell situation developing which I don't think is going to work and I fear I'll be asked to make a either or choice. Yet the therapist may help us but it's too early to tell. Overall feel overwhelmed, scared and excited at same time. can anyone relate? am trying hard to go slow but the urge to react is strong.

[Nikki A.]

Take your time and go slow. There are a lot of emotions and fears going on and if you try to push, you will not be happy. It has taken you how long to fiure out what you want, doesn't your wife need some time also to adapt?

[Roberta Lynn]

I wouldn't say your in a no win situation. In one sense you've already won. You have a spouse that knows you dress and understands the fact that this is part of you.
It is such a big step from someone that just closes their mind and cannot or will not try to grasp our need to dress.
You're right to go slow. The need for acceptance, especial from our loved ones, is like the holy grail for us crossdressers, but you won't be able to push her.
She will have to go at her own speed. There's no guarntee that you would ever get past the DATD stage.
Hopefully the therapist will help but this is so new to her it will take time and a lot of understanding from you.

[kimdl93]

Dont jump to conclusions. With time her attitudes are likely to change. If you prove to be considerate of her feelings dyes more likely to be receptive to your needs.

[Eryn]

We all change and there is a good chance that, given time, your wife will become more comfortable with your dressing.

When confronted with the situation for the first time some quick decisions are made. Some of these might be self-defensive in nature, such as "I don't want to see you dress." Such decisions are always subject to revision, particularly after some time has passed and you haven't turned into an ogre.

This seems like a topic best discussed directly with your wife. You have some very valid fears and I think that she deserves to hear them. She also likely has fears and you deserve to hear those. Tell her that. Only after communication is flowing will you be able to move toward creating a situation that is good for you both. That's a more pressing problem than dressing itself.

I'll bet that your gender specialist will say pretty much the same thing!

[Laura912]

There will be comprises made by both of you and if they are made together,they will work. Look at this as an evolution not a revolution in both of your thoughts. It is akin to learning dancing...start with a simple box step before trying the Tango...especially in heels!

[Alice B]

As Nikki says, go slow and take your time. Your wife is showing excellent understanding and it will take time for her to get used to the concept. My wife was very similar, understanding the need but not wanting to see me or have any aprt of it. Over the past 3 years she has become much more open because I was always honest with he. Noiw I can dress ij her presence, or at least with her in the house. I can go out dressed with no complaints. It will get better.

[Jessica Who]

Hmm, the urge may be there but you need to resist and take it as slow as possible. Be careful not to go too slow and accidentally stop though. In my experience, if you're not bringing it up than your SO is likely not thinking about it.

[Ally 2112]

You have made the first step !.Now as has been said be very patient take things slowly and always (no matter how hard) be willing to talk and be open with her .It may be hard but will hopefully reap rewards in the end good luck !:)

[JenniferR771]

Don't breathe the pink vapors. Keep both feet on the ground. Try to understand and her point of view and predict what she will say. If she gives you an inch--don't take a mile. Remember she is concerned that this may go much further and deeper than you told her.

If the shoe were on the other foot. Imagine if she admitted to you that she was actually a very clever transexual--and her name used to be Robert.

[Shawnc]

I just came out to my wife. She then bought me a dress and heals. It can be a good thing!

[MandyGG]

My husband told me 2 years ago. I hadn't seen him dressed until tonight. Give her time to process her thoughts. If she didn't leave you the day you told her, then you are ahead of the game. Give her time. She will hopefully come around.

[sterling12]

If I understand you correctly, I think you believe that your wife is going to eventually present you with an ultimatum. Something like: "You either stop, or we part company, as I can't stand The Idea of you doing this."

And so your are "overwhelmed" with The Idea that it might happen? Or, are you overwhelmed about an unknown future, AFTER it goes Kablooey?

Not knowing, I'll try and give you a simplistic answer for both ideas. "You can't control The Future, you can't control the Past, you might have a partial control about current events within your abilities to influence them....so, why get freaked out about events that you probably will not be in charge of?" "Scared and Excited" would be about normal if thinking about that unknown future. But, it does give you a chance to explore your femme-self and that might prove to be very exciting! My Advise is: "Enjoy The Roller Coaster Ride!"

Keep going to Counseling, maybe you will get a different outcome that differs from your current appraisal. People do change! Maybe your wife will to. But if she don't, try to think of that glass as half full. Half-full of new possibilities. Try to concentrate on that exhilarating idea. Sure beats The Alternative.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Jacqueline Winona]

Roberta had a great post- you really have won the most important battle, which is acceptance, regardless of whether she wants to see it. As for her feelings about you dressed? You're one of many of us in the same boat. Acceptacne as so many have said doesn't mean participation, or even liking it. But eveyr dya that you get by is another one where you can hopefully influence her just a little bit more towards understanding you, and understanding that you are the same person even when dressed. There are lots of twists and turns, you'll get to the two steps backward, three steps forward (or vicee-versa) mode at some point, but just keep trying to move forward and remember that you do have the acceptance, every day

[Kate T]

she correctly senses there is more to my dressing than I've shared so far.

This is your biggest problem. You MUST be honest with her and tell her everything you know otherwise how can she possibly trust you and help you?

[Tina B.]

Remember it's all new to her, she needs time to think about it, and how she feels about it, and what she is going to do about it. You've had years, let her catch up, or you lose for sure. Some think it over, and figure so what, others, scream and head for the door, all you can do now is wait and see.
Tina B.

[Sandra]

Ok I imagine that you've known about you being a cder for years, your wife only a short time. You can't expect her to be all accepting and supportive, she has a lot to process and this is going to take time and by that I mean months even weeks.

You have to be open and honest with her, talk to her more explain how you feel. It wouldn't hurt to mention this site to her, where should she join she can talk in private with other GG like myself and get support and advise.

[Stephanie47]

Frankly, even if you stop dressing and purge your entire wardrobe the images (real or perceived) your wife has of you dressed will never go away. My wife and I are in a DADT relationship. She no longer throws it in my face, but, for the longest time it really affected our marriage. I only think she is more accepting because she is more accepting of other sexual minorities. More accepting does not mean participation.

I've come to an understanding with myself, if it she becomes intolerant again I have to be who I am. Marriage is suppose to be based on compromise and discuss- or at least I believe so. If my wife were to say she could not longer live with the image of me en femme, even though she has never seen Stephanie, then OK- good bye. I don't know how long you're been married, but, if many good years are tossed aside because of your cross dressing, then you really have to evaluate your entire marriage. There are sooooooooo many concessions I made during our marriage to keep the boat from rocking, I really think I did a disservice to myself. You're 48! Do you really want to live for the next 30 years in a hostile marital environment? The demand may be hers! But, you make the choice. Not really a fair fight.