"Coming Out" from 1 wife's point of view

[MandyGG]

I was sent a PM from a wonderful, concerned, and genuinely supportive CDer on this forum asking me to post my feelings about when my husband introduced me to his other side. Being that it happened this weekend, and it is still fresh it my mind, it was the perfect opportunity for me to do it. I asked (her/him) what I should say and how "real" I was supposed to keep it. (S)he told me to be as honest and straight forward as possible. That even though it may not be what the "masses" want to hear, it still needs to be said, due to the fact that there are so few of us SO's on the board in comparison to the number of CDers.

This is 1 wife's point of view. I do not speak for your SO's, so please do not get upset over something that is said and therefore take it out on your SO. I do NOT want to cause any problems in any relationships.

When I was told 2 years ago, while laying in bed, that my husband was a crossdresser, I was shocked. Please know that after making love, it is NOT the right time to spring it on her. PLEASE never do it after you ask what she considers "kinky". Bad move, dude. Not well played. But that is how I found out. We can't take it back, and we can't change it. I wasn't disgusted, but I wasn't turned on either. My brain immediately thought, "Why does he find me attractive? He is obviously gay. Well, crap.... the only man that I have ever loved this much can't return my love. What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this life?"

Not a word was said. I made him believe that I was fine, and then I started the investigation. If it were just wearing some panties, I would have been ok. But I knew there was more. So, I found: Alternate email address with emails that I could never in a million years imagine him writing to other men. Pictures of himself in the most horrible poses, showing parts of himself that I never imagined someone seeing, more less a freaking man! Websites. Adult websites where the profile was basically, "Bi Crossdresser looking for a guy to play with! I dress every night, and it turns me on!"

The switch was hit. It boiled and bubbled and spewed out of me in a rant of horrible and hateful things. I called him names that I could only imagine sent chills down his spine. I can't take it back, and I can't change it.

He admitted everything. Said he was curious and lonely. No woman had shown interest in him in over 5 years. This is where he went for affection. He begged me not to give up on him. My thoughts were "He has to be sorry for lying to me. He has to love me to beg me to stay after I hurt him so badly. He HAS to give this up."

I made him throw it all away. I want to tell you that it was his choice to purge, but looking back now, no. It was mine. I forced it upon him. I was the bad guy, but put all the blame on him.

I found this forum. I thought it was helping for a few weeks. Then I wanted to be angry and I didn't want to face it anymore, so I stopped visiting. He was NOT going to be a CDer any more, so help me God.

Two years. I held anger, fear, and every 6 months, I threatened divorce, because "He has to be lying to me about it still", "When he travels for work, he is hiding in a hotel room with a ****ty outfit and a man!", "I just KNOW that is what he is doing!" So, I called more than I should have. I fought about nothing. He was doing nothing at all, but because he "withheld" information from me ONCE, I was going crazy. He could count on me to check up on him so surely, that he could set his watch to it. He knew when the 6 month "freakout" was coming. Why he put up with me, I will never know.

He started sleep talking as "her" again. My thoughts led a different direction this time. "How can I help?" "What can I do to make this giant elephant in the room go away?" "Where do I turn?" I had no one. He had no one. This was our "problem", but I didn't have a solution.

I came back here. Had a major rant in the FAB forum. Had the most amazing woman talk to me for a total of 4 hours. I found that it WAS possible to love and live with a CD'er. I dove head first. I got to know you, therefore, I got to know that side of him. I tried to show it to him, but he blew it off. I think out of fear that it would start my "Crossdresser Wife Period", so he acted as though Erin meant nothing to him anymore. I didn't believe him.

So I pushed. We were on the couch last week, and I asked him if I could paint his nails. I wanted him to see that I was finally able to work with him. I wanted him to know that it was my fear all along that was the hinder in our relationship, and that the CD'ing was not! I wanted him to know that the clothes meant nothing to me, but that it was his history surrounding it that weighed heavily on me. So, like a normal person, I told him my fears. After 2 years, I actually was able to sit him down and tell him what I should have from the beginning. That I do love him more than I love myself. That my life would be nothing without him. That if this was what he has been missing, then who the hell am I to keep it from him. He finally said ok, and let me into this part of his world that he had blocked away for so long.

When we went shopping, I kept thinking "What if someone is judging him?!?! What if they want to take his picture and put it on the People of Walmart's website? What are those teenage girls looking at? Do they know? What are they going to tell their friends? Who the heck are they to judge my husband?!"

Then, I met her. I didn't lie when I said what happened. But there were things that I left out. "Why is he touching himself like that? He doesn't touch himself like that normally! Why is he saying things like that? He has never spoken to me like that before, and I have begged him to! Why is he so "turned on"? Do I not turn him on enough? Does he NEED to have this for himself to feel complete?

To say that I am accepting 100% is not the case. I am accepting because this is for him. To say that I am 100% supportive is wrong. I wish this wasn't a part of us, but it is. This isn't what I had in mind when I thought about my life as a wife when I was a child, but it is my reality. I could live without it, happily. I constantly envy the bliss of never knowing, and having it hidden from me. I fear the "Pink Fog". I fear some of the things that I read about how some want to live 24/7 as a woman. I fear the thought of my children finding this out and thinking differently of him. I only call him "She" on here because that is how YOU know him. But, I know everything about him. So, he is always "HIM" to me. I am not disgusted. I am not going to leave for something that could be so minor. But, I am worried. I worry about the unknown. I worry about what happens next. I worry about our life later. I worry that one day he is going to venture out into the world and become a victim of a hate crime. I worry about people we know seeing him "like that". These are fears that I am trying to work through. I have to take it step by step, and I am so blessed that he is working with me. We are getting through this together. We can have a happily ever after, and that it all I can ask for.

I may not be the best wife, but I am a wife trying her best.

[Michelle I]

Erinswife:

All I can say is thank you. From what you wrote here and on another post, you are a special person. I hope for the best for both of you.

[Miranda09]

The fact is....you ARE trying, and that's important. I can't imagine what it must be like for you to make this kind of discovery, but you are both showing a lot about how you feel toward each other. I imagine many SO's who are/were going thru this likely had similar experiences and fears. I would just say that, maybe one of the reasons you fell in love with him, had something to do with a softer side of his personality that is expressed as Erin. Discovering this side of him may help understand why his personality is so different (?) from many men you may have known/or now know. I would say that the way he broke the news to you was not well thought out, but that's water under the bridge and you are handling it well. Just keep talking about all the aspects of dressing that he is expressing to you, but make sure he continues to understand your feelings as well. This is NOT a take it or leave it situation, not if you both respect and love each other. Continue your journey, and remember we are here for both of you. :)

[RADER]

Thanks for sharing your story. You are a very special Lady to say the least.
I hope the Best for you and your SO.
Rader

[Cynthia Anne]

Your story brought tears to my eyes! One thing for sure he loves you and HE will always be with you! I feel this very strongly! His [hers] blessing is you! You are one super lady! Thank you for sharing the truth with us! I can say for sure that you open my eyes! Hugs!

[Miriam-J]

Thank you for sharing your journey. It's apparent that you've certainly gone the extra mile to discover what this is all about - and what it means specifically to your husband. I certainly can appreciate why your early reactions were so different from what you feel now, especially given the lack of information that was available to you from your husband and from our "society". I'm truly impressed that you worked hard enough to discover what it's all about.

I hope that you and your husband are able to have open, honest discussions about the important things in life, not just crossdressing, without so much fear of things hidden. The openness is incredibly refreshing for a relationship, and it has brought my wife and me closer over time.

Good luck as you move through your life together.

Miriam

[AnitaH]

Thank you for posting from a wife's point of view. I can't speak for your spouse but I have found that sometimes when one suppresses/hides something that is a part of themselves the stresses lead one to destructive behaviours and choices. This may be part of the reason for some of his choices. Whatever is happening I would suggest counselling for both of you, it has helped both myself and my wife. I hope for all of the best for both of you.

AnitaH

[LeannL]

Erin's wife,

God bless you. As you have said, you have been dealt a hand of cards that you didn't expect. You are trying to understand something that you probably were never prepared to handle. So I truly appreciate the effort you are putting forth.

Good luck and I hope you the best.

Leann

[Samantha_Smile]

Important read right here folks.
This is a similar story to my lesser published life as a CD. The whole thing rang true and gave me a slightly better understanding of my own relationship with my Mrs despite talking extensively about the subject.
Thanks for the time you put into writing that, and thanks for not giving up on him/her what ever he/she means to you.

[Katesback]

Erin'sWife. Girl you got a lot of patience. I give you credit for it is not something I could deal with. Call me what you wish but I just could not deal with it.

The irony is that everyone should have a right to be whatever they want however they want and whenever they want and nobody has any right to tell them they cant.

Of course thats a perfect world and many trans people in relationships suffer as well as thier spouses.

[ReineD]

Erin'sWife. Girl you got a lot of patience. I give you credit for it is not something I could deal with. Call me what you wish but I just could not deal with it.

Ah, but Kate, if you had been in love with someone all your adult life and you were both committed to each other (married), you had a family together, and then he told you about this, are you sure you'd dump him just because of the CDing?

[MandyGG]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. It is so great when people can relate to, or learn from, someone else. I wish nothing but happiness and comfort in your lives, just as you wish in mine. I still hope that no one was offended, and I don't want anyone to fear coming out because of my story.


Your story brought tears to my eyes! One thing for sure he loves you and HE will always be with you! I feel this very strongly! His [hers] blessing is you! You are one super lady! Thank you for sharing the truth with us! I can say for sure that you open my eyes! Hugs!

Thank you. That means a lot. Tears were flowing here, too! Glad I had someone cry with me. Hugs!


Thank you for sharing your journey. It's apparent that you've certainly gone the extra mile to discover what this is all about - and what it means specifically to your husband. I certainly can appreciate why your early reactions were so different from what you feel now, especially given the lack of information that was available to you from your husband and from our "society". I'm truly impressed that you worked hard enough to discover what it's all about.

I am sure that if the roles were reversed, he would work just as hard to keep me. At least I would hope so!


Thanks for the time you put into writing that, and thanks for not giving up on him/her what ever he/she means to you.

I thought writing it would be harder, but the words poured out. I am so glad that you connected with it. I feel good about that!


Erin'sWife. Girl you got a lot of patience. I give you credit for it is not something I could deal with. Call me what you wish but I just could not deal with it.

That would be me. With any other man, this would be a non issue. I would be gone. In a hurry! But it is THIS MAN. I still get butterflies when I kiss him. I can't throw that away

[Jacqueline Winona]

That was about as raw and beautiful as any statememnt I have rever read from anyone about crossdressing. Thank you, Erin's wife. This part really hits home for me:

I constantly envy the bliss of never knowing, and having it hidden from me. I fear the "Pink Fog". I fear some of the things that I read about how some want to live 24/7 as a woman. I fear the thought of my children finding this out and thinking differently of him. I only call him "She" on here because that is how YOU know him. But, I know everything about him. So, he is always "HIM" to me. I am not disgusted. I am not going to leave for something that could be so minor. But, I am worried. I worry about the unknown. I worry about what happens next. I worry about our life later. I worry that one day he is going to venture out into the world and become a victim of a hate crime. I worry about people we know seeing him "like that". These are fears that I am trying to work through.

I envy each and every one of you who have an approving or partcipating spouse. But thoughts like this I think are pretty common, and this is why I totally understand why my wife really doesn't want to know more and why the "don't ask, don't tell" approach works for so many of us.

[Marleena]

Sure it might take a bit of patience to accept a Cd'er but the wives that do seem to be doing fine as long as the relationship was good to begin with.

Erin's wife is proof the obstacle can be overcome with love and communication.

[Bree Wagner]

When we went shopping, I kept thinking "What if someone is judging him?!?! What if they want to take his picture and put it on the People of Walmart's website? What are those teenage girls looking at? Do they know? What are they going to tell their friends? Who the heck are they to judge my husband?!"

Wow. You share the same thoughts about protectiveness that my wife has expressed to me so you're definitely not alone.


But, I am worried. I worry about the unknown. I worry about what happens next. I worry about our life later. I worry that one day he is going to venture out into the world and become a victim of a hate crime. I worry about people we know seeing him "like that". These are fears that I am trying to work through. I have to take it step by step, and I am so blessed that he is working with me. We are getting through this together. We can have a happily ever after, and that it all I can ask for.

I know that many of us as guys think "Of course, we can handle ourselves anywhere" but when dressed it is much more important to consider the situation and take precautions. Your concern is touching and you very much deserve the happily ever after that you're seeking


I may not be the best wife, but I am a wife trying her best.

That's all we can ever ask!


I think one of the most amazing things about what you wrote isn't just what you've done with Erin, but the fact that you are able to reach out, share your experiences, and help others find their way all at the same time. All of that while still dealing with the internal turmoil over the situation, amazing. Not only that, but you write eloquently and clearly leave your heart in the words.

Keep doing all the amazing things you do!

-Bree

[Eryn]

Erinswife, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. You've obviously been on quite a ride and I think that your frank description will be helpful to others. Very few of our relationships are perfect and you're to be commended for your committment to Erin.

The beauty of your current situation is that you're in a position to participate in the guidance of yours and Erin's future. Erin will very likely be respectful of your views as I am with my Mimi's views.

Enjoy your adventure together. It won't be perfect, but I'm willing to bet that it will be a lot of fun!

Hugs, Eryn

[docrobbysherry]

What a courageous post, E's wife! Thank u!

For ME, it clearly defines; how wonderful, different, in touch with themselves, and unfathomable the female of the species is! I can only hope it all works out well for u BOTH!

[Organza]

You are indeed doing your best, and part of that is your honesty about yourself.
Lisa

[Barbara Ella]

Thank you so much for writing this. At times it is difficult to interpret what is written and happens in these threads. Your candidness is so reassuring to many, and especially to me right now. My coming out, and subsequent activities are not similar, and my wife's initial reactions did not involve the depth that yours did. I marvel at your ability to come back from those and develop your relationship to the point it is at now.

My wife's feelings right now do parallel what you have said. From what you two are doing, I have hope that given the proper amount of time (she has only known for 4 months) she will begin to recognize the things you do now and move away from the dont ask dont tell, keep her in the dark, dont let me see things approach she feels she needs. Right now what she needs is what we do, because I love her and want to keep her as close to me as possible. i am unsure if what i do works at times.

Your experience, and the manner in which you relate it here has helped ease my worried soul, and I know it has done this for many others also. I cannot express my gratitude to you for taking the time, and dredging up old memories.

Thank you

Barbara

[MandyGG]

Barbara,

I am so happy that it helps you! It will get easier on her. Please invite her to read it, maybe it will help her, too. I hope it all works out in your favor. Tell her you love her with a little extra kiss. Make her feel wanted. Make her know that your life revolves around her and not Barbara Ella. That is all we want to know. We want to be 100% sure that you want to be here for US, and that we still make your heart beat a little bit faster when we are around. Never take us for granted. Especially after dressing. Our worst fear is that you love "her" more than you love us.

[Eryn]

...Our worst fear is that you love "her" more than you love us.

I think that I can set your mind at ease on this account.

My feminine side is a part of me, the me that loves my wife. There is no competition at all. When I'm en femme with my wife our interaction may be a bit different, but my wife remains the center of my universe.

I'm willing to bet that you occupy the same position with your husband no matter how he is dressed.

[andrea69j]

Thank you for your honest perspective. It's a good reminder that it's more complicated.

[Trannygranny]

What an interesting and informative picture you paint. Your perseverence will pay you handsome dividends your husband will love you more and respect you for understanding. You wil have a better understanding of his personality.
While it must have been painfull for you you will be boded together even more firmly and you can be assured of his loyalty.
Thank you for showing us your side of the picture.

[Raychel]

I have to thank you for sharing your story with us. It is always nice to get to see this all from the wife's point of view.

It sounds like you are doing an outstanding job at accepting this. It must be extremely difficult at times. But all that anyone could ask is that you do the best you can. And that will make you the best wife. :hugs:

Thanks again for sharing.

[Wonderwho]

You are intitled to all the anger that comes with the feelings that you were lied to and cheated on. as a CDer when I told my wife I felt the pain of having to dump all this information on her. I still hold this guilt and will work for the rest of our time togeather to prove to her that I do want her and am the MAN she married. This is the least I can do for the woman I love and care for. It is not her burden to carry the world I have created on her sholders, if I don't understand what I am doing how can I expect her to understand or accept it, all we ask is for the exchange of love that any couple would have. the best of luck to both of you.

[Marleena]

@ Erin'swife, thanks for sharing all of this with us. It shows us the difficulties a wife can have dealing with "us". It ain't no picnic, that's for sure.

Earlier you mentioned the difficulty dealing with and competing for attention with the "other woman" in the relationship. There is no other woman she is part of his being and has been there all along.

It's like Mother Nature played a cruel joke on us. We had no choice in the matter anymore than the eye color we ended up with.:) We can fight it all we want but it can't or won't go away. It can be a never ending struggle. I gave into it as being part of who I am. Only now am I finding peace with myself after years of internal struggles.

Many accepting SO's will end up up with the best partner imaginable if they can overcome the obstacles put in the way.:)

[tara t]

personaly speaking i know i love my wife more than anything else in the world, i know id give up anything and change everything for her. she knows this too, we are a long time together and really wouldn't survive without each other.im monogamous and i have no desire to be with anyone else male or female . there have been countless opportunity's where i could have cheated but i never have nor would .
she also knows when i give up "tara" i slowly become depressed and miserable , its not something i do on purpose and ill try not to let it happen but it will happen anyway . emotionally i start becoming slightly numb , ill end up drinking way more than i should and ill get back into the macho type life .she wont get as much attention and care and ill generally run myself into the ground . burying my feelings/emotions doesn't work, god knows ive tried so hard so many times . we both know this route is detrimental to both my health and our relationships health . at the moment we are in some sort of middle ground,i don't hide anything from her and if she asks a question she gets an honest answer . i wear nightdresses to bed and spend most the time cuddling her .its not a turn on for her but then its not a turn on for me either really, ill spend an average night wrapped around her cuddling her, whispering sweet nothings in her ear while she sleeps, ive lost a lot of sleep this way and ill happily lose a lot more .
im rambling a bit , i think what im trying to say it that id give up anything for my wife but we both realize that this is something that i should not give up .

[MandyGG]

To me, before accepting (or at least acknowledging) that it was "Mother Nature", I believed that it was a choice. I wanted to think that he could love me enough to never have the thought of doing it again. That "I" was the one woman that was missing from him. Why couldn't he give it up for me forever? I wondered if I could satisfy the craving. I became obsessed with "satisfying" him sexually, because I had wrongfully assumed that it was sexually driven. That it was more of a fetish, rather than a part of his being. The first thing I had ever read about CDing 2 years ago stated that even when it is purged it is still there. That frustrated me. I wanted to believe that HE was different. That he could live without it. I actually had myself pretty convinced that it was working. He had me convinced that it was working. Then I opened the box, and let him show her to me, and I had never seen him more excited. I realized at that moment, what I had known all along but didn't want to admit, that this was what he needed.

Please do not get the idea that we had a bad marriage. Every single aspect of our lives, excluding the crossdressing, has been filled with happiness and laughter. This part of it is so small compared to every other thing that we have done. It just seems as though it is a priority because it is what I am talking about right now. When I log off, I will call him while on my way to pick the kids up. We will plan dinner. We will figure out what random TV we are going to watch when the kids wind down. We will laugh at something that one of them did. We will be who we always are.

I also want to explain something that might have been confused. He did NOT cheat on me. He came out to me within the first few months of our relationship. He wanted no secrets, and I get that. So, all that he had done in his past, was just that. His past.

[monalisa]

It was good to hear and see the Wife's feelings and thoughts as we sometimes lose track of the significant other in our lives and how our crossdressing will and has affected them. At least now you know and over time it will be easier to talk about everything moving forward. Sometimes crossdressing is our escape from the stresses of being a man and the responsibilites we place on ourselves. Realize we also have guilt feelings sometimes and do not want to hurt anyone especially loved ones. If you can just look past the clothing it is still the man that you love.

[Marleena]

I also want to explain something that might have been confused. He did NOT cheat on me. He came out to me within the first few months of our relationship. He wanted no secrets, and I get that. So, all that he had done in his past, was just that. His past.


Please do not get the idea that we had a bad marriage. Every single aspect of our lives, excluding the crossdressing, has been filled with happiness and laughter. This part of it is so small compared to every other thing that we have done. It just seems as though it is a priority because it is what I am talking about right now. When I log off, I will call him while on my way to pick the kids up. We will plan dinner. We will figure out what random TV we are going to watch when the kids wind down. We will laugh at something that one of them did. We will be who we always are.

.




This is also a key. A good marriage can survive this. Sometimes women marry an a$$hole that just happens to be a CD then rant about all CD's. I'm sure you've seen this.:)

Thanks for sharing all of this. Btw my wife is totally okay with what Mother Nature did to me, she understands it's not something I chose. I'm not mad at Mother Nature anymore because I enjoy what she gave me... finally.

[BRANDYJ]

Dearest ErinsWife. You are one fantastic women with a very loving heart. It goes without saying, you have come a long way from the day I read your intro to this forum. Your desire to learn, to accept and to support your husband is without a doubt, the best way to express your love for him. He is a very lucky man...CD or no CD.

[Julie Martin]

Erin'sWife:

Thank you. Your story is incredibly powerful on so many levels, and is easily the most illuminating thing I have read anywhere about this whole issue. Your husband is very lucky to have a woman who loves him as much as you do. In addition to pouring your heart out and sharing your deepest fears, pain, anger, yet obviously enormous love for your husband, for me your story rips the "pink veil" away and shines a bright light on the most difficult aspects of all of this for me personally: the affect on the people I love.

Along with all of the beautiful and supportive parts of your posts, it' very powerful, gut wrenching, and very important that you also shared your frustration and anger, and justifiably so. Speaking only for myself, what you expressed in your FAB post is exactly how I feel about myself around this, and to see these raw emotions through your eyes is actually welcome for me. As one of many here who has battled this demon for a lifetime, though sometimes totally embraces it, it at times feels like I imagine being an alcoholic must feel like: recognizing that potentially great harm can come from it both to ourselves and those we love, wanting to overcome it once and for all, but feeling powerless and weak when it's grip reasserts itself.
This is a very personal gut reaction for me, and only a very few others may feel this way. But in addition to being both heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time, your words hit home in a way that only words from a woman in your situation could. I needed to hear this, and I'm so glad you said it.
I wish you and your husband the very best.

[sherri]

The thing I'd like to hear more about is what can your husband do at this point to make his gender expression more tolerable for you? You have talked about your own efforts to cope and accommodate, but from your perspective, how can he make it easier for you, and is there any way he could make the whole thing not just bearable, but actually pleasant and meaningful for you?

Also, your comments make it obvious there is a sexual element of this for him. That's just natural -- we're sexual creatures and there's no reason to expect the sex to turn off while he's dressed. The stuff you found on the computer is a phase many CDers go through, but imo the online thing is not appropriate for a married man, so I hope that together y'all can move him past that. He owes that to you. Just sayin', there's that to think about.

Finally, another very natural aspect to gender expression is the desire to, well, express -- to function and interact as a femme person. We are after all highly social creatures. However, the cultural stigma affects you too, not just him. So if this comes up you shouldn't be surprised or alarmed, but you have the right to expect him to conduct himself in a way that will not negatively affect your family. Can the two of you work together to address this need in a fun but responsible way?

Those are the things I thought of while I read your post. Thank you for reaching out. Your side of the story is a very important part of the equation. xoxo

[Bree Wagner]

My feminine side is a part of me, the me that loves my wife. There is no competition at all. When I'm en femme with my wife our interaction may be a bit different, but my wife remains the center of my universe.


Well said Eryn! That's absolutely the perfect way to express those feelings.

-Bree

[MandyGG]

Dearest ErinsWife. You are one fantastic women with a very loving heart. It goes without saying, you have come a long way from the day I read your intro to this forum. Your desire to learn, to accept and to support your husband is without a doubt, the best way to express your love for him. He is a very lucky man...CD or no CD.

Oh my sweet Brandy.... if only you knew how much I love you! You were willing to talk to me. You were willing to help. No one else (with male parts) did that back then. Only you. You will continue to be one of my favorite people.


Sherri,

Yes, there are sexual elements to his dressing. We are working through those now. It is give and take really. I have to have the bra come off, he has to keep the panties on. We will find our way. However, I may have not been clear in the opening post, but he did not cheat on me. He did his "bi" thing right before we reconnected. So, it was still fresh, but not something that hurt me technically. I was only hurt by the fear of thinking he was gay and using me as a cover. He has been nothing but faithful.

Now, about the "more tolerable". Well, I would rather it be a non-issue, but since it is present I have to deal with it. As long as he continues to show me that he loves me, treats me with respect, cares about my feeling, and respects my wishes in our ground rules, I will be fine. I cannot handle any outfit or photo that makes him look like "a low class street walker". I don't mind him wanting to feel sexy, but there is a thin line between sexy and trashy. I don't want that line crossed. Is it so wrong for me to want him to look decent? If I am to find him attractive, then he needs to work with me on what is attractive to me. What I made sure that I told him was that if we are doing this, then he has to stay in my comfort zone. The comfort zone can grow. It is not set in stone. I have proved to him and myself that I CAN and WILL grow with this. I can't open the door just a crack and have my world be flooded. I need time to process each step. He understands that. Which, I guess is why I fear the "Pink Fog" so much. I can't handle the thought that if someone gives you an inch, you take a mile. It's all growth. I just have to take the blows as they come. He is handling this and me beautifully. He only talks about it when I bring it up. He isn't bombarding me with "NOW NOW NOW". He is answering questions with open honesty. He is doing everything that I have asked from him.

Edited to add:


I needed to hear this, and I'm so glad you said it.
I wish you and your husband the very best.

You made my heart skip a beat. It feels good to know I am doing the right things to help others. I appreciate you. I hope the best for you as well.

[Janelle_C]

That was honest and from the heart thank you. It made me think of what my wife is going throw. I'm in therapy now exploring my feelings and trying to make sence of them. My wife has known sence we been married but now I'm dressing most days. Your post made me stop thinking just of myself and think about what my wife is feeling thank you for that. She is trying we love each other and will find a way to work throw this. Janelle

[kimdl93]

I think you are a pretty darned remarkable wife. It seems that he made all sorts of mistakes, engaged in very questionable on-line behavior and then on top of it, failed to be fully open about himself when given the opportunity. And yet you took the initiative to learn about CDing and were able to rise above all that prior behavior. I'm frankly in awe of your great effort and remarkable tolerance. He's very lucky and I hope he can fully appreciate that fact.

[docrobbysherry]

E's wife. From a divorced man, one bit of advice.
I find your ability and desire to relate your feelings to us here unique and truly remarkable! However, the success of your relationship DOESN'T depend on you telling us, but on telling HIM! From your posts, I'm pretty confident u will!

But, he must be just as forthcoming to u. Which can be quite difficult for some men! As long as the 2 of u desire to communicate, your union should continue to work.

Once EITHER OF U decides to put it off for whatever reason, isn't willing to deal with the resulting hassles, or just can't be bothered, that's when most couple's problems REALLY BEGIN! I sincerely hope that never happens to u 2!

[Jennifer Monroe]

Just simply a beautifully written love story. I have compassion for both of these people and I wish you all the best! Thanks for sharing.

[Holly]

Erin's Wife, what a well thought out and expressed post. I especially appreciate the way you were able to honestly express your feelings without it resulting in hostility either toward your husband, yourself, or the CD community in general. You sound very much like my wife of 43 years (a testimony to her, not me, I assure you). What any of us wear does not define us, neither husbands nor wives/SO's. That originates very much from within the heart.

As you have discovered, this attachment many males have to feminine things is not usually a choice. It comes from deep within... from exactly where, I'm not sure myself. You mentioned that for you and your husband, there was a sexual component in his expression that the two of you were working on dealing with. For what it's worth, it is not all that uncommon. Also not uncommon is that it often dissipates. My wife has asked that Holly not be a part of our bedroom activities. I consider this a very reasonable boundary for her and I am more than happy to respect it.

I was wondering if it would be possible for you to go into a bit more detail or explanation of discovering your partner cross dresses verses your partner has hidden, kept things about himself from you and/or lied to you about this. My personal experience and observations of others over many years leads me to believe that is is the lack of honesty and NOT the transgender activity itself that causes the most damage in the majority of relationships. I would value your input on this.

On a personal note, I appreciate having you as a member of our community. You rock!

[Silentpartner GG SO]

ErinsWife, your post was so good to read - you've put into words so many things that I've felt and worried about but not been able to express. I can particularly relate to this:

I can't open the door just a crack and have my world be flooded. I think one of my biggest fears is that my husband will suddenly decide he wants to dress 24/7.

I commend you for being so open and honest both about your relationship and your fears and for posting so eloquently - you have truly given the people here an insight into how many SO's feel - thankyou

[MandyGG]

I was wondering if it would be possible for you to go into a bit more detail or explanation of discovering your partner cross dresses verses your partner has hidden, kept things about himself from you and/or lied to you about this. My personal experience and observations of others over many years leads me to believe that is is the lack of honesty and NOT the transgender activity itself that causes the most damage in the majority of relationships. I would value your input on this.

Well, Holly, let me be honest for a second. Let me first say, that after learning everything that I can about it, it is a bit easier to deal with. But, the grit of the initial shock is a little harder to say without feeling guilty. But, I promised myself and others that whatever questions were asked, I would give my honest answer. So, I breathe, and now write.

Thought #1 (Denial) You are joking, right? Pulling my leg? You wanted to get a rise out of me! Silly husband!

Thought #2 (confusion) Wait. You were being serious?!?! Are you gay? Do you want a sex change?!?! Where the hell do I fit into this?!?!

Thought #3 (feelings of judgement) This doesn't happen to people like me! I went to Catholic School! I was raised in a home where my parents stayed together, and still are! This happens to (socially embedded stereotypes) rapists, pedophiles, and people that are mentally ill! This doesn't happen to me! This isn't something that I was supposed to be concerned about! This doesn't happen to a wife of manual labor, blue collar, average joe!!! OMG! What the hell are my parents going to think?!? What is my brother going to say?!?! OMG. OMG. OMG.

Thought #4 (denial) He can get rid of it. It's a disease. It is a choice. He can change it. He WILL change it.

All of those thoughts happened within minutes of the words exiting his lips. I was at a loss. I feel horrible for thinking them now, because I am educated on the issue. I had never thought myself as a simple minded person. I am very intelligent. But, on this matter, I was plain and simple.... Stupid.

[Kaz]

Gobsmacked! All I can say... Thank you Erin's wife... this really helped a whole lot. Awesome post!

[MandyGG]

docrobbysherry,

Thankfully, I have been able to tell him every single thing that is written here. He knows every detail about my feelings. It took me 2 years to word it, but I did it. I am thankful to find myself getting through all of this, and coming out a little bruised, a little scratched, a few minor head bumps, and even more in love than before. He is a quiet man, but he finds it in himself to give me answers when they arise. I am proud of him for it.

[PretzelGirl]

I also want to thank you. Telling a story like this is a tough thing to do. You showed us some deep feelings and how you worked through it. Every relationship is different and I believe that by hearing these stories, we each get a better understanding of how we impact others and how we should be considering them in what we do. In the end, love does win out but it isn't always the smoothest of roads. I am glad for the both of you as it shows the strength of your relationship and I hope that strength continues to grow so you can both be as happy as your wish to.

[MandyGG]

I am glad that I wrote it. If, by chance, I helped one CD understand his wife a little more, or appreciate her much more, than I did what I had hoped would happen when the opportunity arose. I really hope that I touched the heart of a wife, maybe just a lurker too affraid to become a member, and made her realize that she is not alone! That would be a dream.

[sherri]

All of those thoughts happened within minutes of the words exiting his lips. I was at a loss. I feel horrible for thinking them now, because I am educated on the issue. I had never thought myself as a simple minded person. I am very intelligent. But, on this matter, I was plain and simple.... Stupid.Whoa, you are being way, way too hard on yourself. There was nothing wrong or stupid about your reactions. Those are all legitimate concerns and feelings, especially at the moment of discovery. I'll go even further and say that I hope your hubby's interest is very genuine and not just some fetishy thing, cuz it needs to be real to justify the challenges and changes it puts you through. If so, I really do believe that at some point you will discover an upside or two, not just a cross to bear.

[Rachel Schaedel]

Mods can we somehow get this thread stickied so that it doesn't get buried. I believe that everyone here should be able to read this and gain some valuable insight. I did and am glad I was fortunate to read it. EW, you are a wonderful person and I know that with your attitude and that of Erin's you both will be just fine. Your very lucky to have each other and share each others lives. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful message.

[Jay Cee]

Given what you found out about Erin, and his/her activities... I'd say you are a phenomenal person for sticking with him/her. A lot of spouses would have bailed, and that would be it. Maybe you didn't handle it in the most enlightened way at the start, but I hope you forgive yourself for that.

I wish you both success in your marriage. Thank you so much for sharing.

[renaej7]

This should be a must read for every spouse that finds themselves in your position. Thank-you a million times for sharing your story. I posted a thread several weeks ago about my journey with my spouse and how difficult it has been. This thread gives me hope.

[Babeba]

Erin's Wife,

Thank you so much for this thread, it is amazing. You've touched (and helped) so many people here by your raw honesty and your experiences. Thank you for putting into words a thread that I just know we'll be able to show to new GG members for months, if not years.

Today I went for a walk with a lady I know who I bumped into on a path (and her husband). I know she has been very dedicated for several years in weight loss and has lost over 75 pounds (net), what I didn't know before today is that five years ago she couldn't use the stairs in her own home due to her weight and joint problems... Today she hung back a bit where there were stairs in the trail so she could run up and down them three or four times. Between our walk and the walking she did as a volunteer at the cancer centre, she walked about 10k today! I'm mentioning her here because she totally impresses me with her determination, her ability to stick with it, and her refusal to give up on the days when it is far too tempting to do just that. Erin's wife, you impress me in the exact same way! :hugs:



Also, for those of you CDers who want to know how to get your SO more accepting of your girl nature, I think Eryn's post below is pretty much a perfect example of how to go about it.


I think that I can set your mind at ease on this account.

My feminine side is a part of me, the me that loves my wife. There is no competition at all. When I'm en femme with my wife our interaction may be a bit different, but my wife remains the center of my universe.

I'm willing to bet that you occupy the same position with your husband no matter how he is dressed.

Honestly, I went, 'awe!' when I read this! I was even a little jealous of Mimi until I reminded myself that Crystal expresses this sentiment to me all the time. Making it obvious that you love and care about your partner - whether it be by posting something lovely and heartfelt where you know she'll probably read it, by hugging her every chance you get, or getting the dishes all done, the trash taken care of, and the laundry folded (or whatever other household tasks you and your wife/SO work out are best for you to do)... Making sure that just like you get time to dress, she gets time to do the things she wants to do outside or inside the house.. It is all the little things which add up to love and acceptance of the full person.

[sometimes_miss]

I started to cry as I read this thread; re-living what went on in my own life, remembering how my relationship and marriage slowly fell apart so many years ago. All I can do is wish you the best, 'erinswife'. And sincerely hope everything works out for you two.

[ReineD]

Also, for those of you CDers who want to know how to get your SO more accepting of your girl nature, I think Eryn's post below is pretty much a perfect example of how to go about it. Honestly, I went, 'awe!' when I read this! [referring to Eryn's quoted post in #51]

It took me a long time to understand the idea that a "femme" self is a part of a CDer's whole persona, and it is not something outside of it (like a mistress perhaps). None of us knowingly grow up amid people who have a dual gender nature, we only just see either men or women, and so it is easy for new GGs to view the femme expression as something outside of their relationships that threatens the couple's intimacy and perhaps threatens to take their husbands away. We don't have the internal knowledge or the language to describe what it is that a transgender experiences. I include myself when I say that in the beginning, when I saw my partner reach heights of happiness dressed that I felt he was not reaching when he was with me in guy mode, I felt as if I could not compete with "her" for "his" attention. I was looking at the transgender expression as a division: two alternating, conflicting sides to a personality rather than a state of being that is always there, with either mode of expression closer to the surface sometimes and further away at other times.

This, I believe is what Eryn describes.

[Holly]

Whoa, you are being way, way too hard on yourself. There was nothing wrong or stupid about your reactions. ...I have to agree with Sherri, Mandy. What sets you apart from many is the fact that you chose to educate yourself about what being transgender is really all about. You chose to engage your partner in a dialog. You chose to face the issue and deal with it in a mature and loving way. This reaction sets you apart from so many who rely only emotional reaction upon hearing something new. Yoda would be proud... you chose wisely.

[SoMuchToLearn]

Great information, thank you everyone. This really has helped me figure out how to tell my wife.

[giuseppina]

SoMuchToLearn,

There is a long closed thread entitled "how to tell your partner" or something to that effect by Marla GG if you're looking for more information along this line. A search of the forum with her name should find it.

Sorry to take the thread off topic, Mandy, but SoMuchToLearn doesn't have PMs enabled at the time this was posted.

[Eryn]

It took me a long time to understand the idea that a "femme" self is a part of a CDer's whole persona, and it is not something outside of it (like a mistress perhaps). None of us knowingly grow up amid people who have a dual gender nature, we only just see either men or women...

Oddly, it took me a long time to figure this our myself. As I started to acknowlege and explore my own feelings and dress completely I really didn't know what to expect. The surprise was that I didn't feel much different while dressed. I'm still the same person, but now able to express myself in ways that I find that I have always desired.

I haven't yet figured out the entire picture, but with Mimi's help I've been able to see more of it.

[Babeba]

It took me a long time to understand the idea that a "femme" self is a part of a CDer's whole persona, and it is not something outside of it (like a mistress perhaps). None of us knowingly grow up amid people who have a dual gender nature, we only just see either men or women, and so it is easy for new GGs to view the femme expression as something outside of their relationships that threatens the couple's intimacy and perhaps threatens to take their husbands away. We don't have the internal knowledge or the language to describe what it is that a transgender experiences. I include myself when I say that in the beginning, when I saw my partner reach heights of happiness dressed that I felt he was not reaching when he was with me in guy mode, I felt as if I could not compete with "her" for "his" attention. I was looking at the transgender expression as a division: two alternating, conflicting sides to a personality rather than a state of being that is always there, with either mode of expression closer to the surface sometimes and further away at other times.

This, I believe is what Eryn describes.

You're right, Reine. I think some GGs feel excluded or unimportant when the punk fog hits; that, just like a mistress would, time is taken away from them by this 'other woman'. I think being able to reach the point at which you can say 'I love you' no matter how one part of the couple is dressed, and ensuring that the GG is not left out of the attention and effort in the midst of pink fog is important.

[ReineD]

You're right, Reine. I think some GGs feel excluded or unimportant when the punk fog hits; that, just like a mistress would, time is taken away from them by this 'other woman'. I think being able to reach the point at which you can say 'I love you' no matter how one part of the couple is dressed, and ensuring that the GG is not left out of the attention and effort in the midst of pink fog is important.

Right. That's the other side of the coin. If a CDer is caught up in it all to the point where s/he ignores the wife's boundaries or takes her for granted, (or becomes impatient with a wife who needs time to accept certain aspects of the CDing), it makes it harder for the wife to see the whole person who is her husband. The wife will feel as if the femme persona is taking her husband away.