clearer heads prevail?

[spotlessMind]

Hi again, friends.

My apologies for the intermittent participation here. Life has been erratic these days. I wanted to at least make a post to say a general hello to everybody and to jumble around a few thoughts into semi-coherent conversation ;)

The last few times I was in posting-mode, I was a bit neurotic and anxious about everything to do with gender identity. I redlined and burnt out so badly on thinking about it that I pushed it down deep somewhere hidden. But as many of you are quite aware, it tends to come looking for you again. I've been reminded somehow of some of the burning questions that put me on my ass last time around, but this time things do seem clearer. I used to speak of confusion and ambivalence, and while those characteristics are quite prevalent, they've been reigned back from the thresholds of my anxiety by a certain clarity.

I understand this forum focuses toward cross-dressing, and as such, I can't expect an overwhelming percentage of the members to relate to issues of gender dysphoria. I'm sure that a healthy population of you are very concrete about your gender identity. Cross-dressing is an act, an expression, a pleasure, a gesture, an indulgent, which does not necessarily intertwine with any particular factor outside the spectrum of hobby even. For me, it would be the precarious venture into an expression of confusion about myself. The clarity I've found isn't categorically sound. I can't say what it is, but I know a bit better about what it is not and what it may be. I most definitely have a deep-set anger about the passage of time and vanity and "could have beens" that is directly related to my identity. I resent struggling with this issue in my 30's. I'm angry this isn't something that propagated on such a conscious level when I was a just a young boy. But I remember it being there and I remember burying it so deep that it was going to take this long to even creep back up again. I had such extreme shame and embarrassment that I nearly drove it into my coffin. And to think that now, I've finally come to terms with this confusion as being integrated into all the things that make me special. 31 years of ignorance to what makes me special.

Well, such is life I suppose.

As always, excuse the ambiguity. I'd be anxious to hear anyone's thoughts, whether they are in the same boat, or even the same ocean haha.

Hope you are all well!

[Wonderwho]

There is never a point in life that clarity is something that is found, relised or tripped over. In my 30s the world was a missed matched jumble of thoughts and emotions. In my 60s the world is a missed matched jumble of emotions snd thoughts, now there are just more of them and I really don't care any more. Don't worry there is plenty of time to worry about the outcome of life and when you think you have figured it out it really will not make any difference anyway, you will be you no matter how hard you try to be different the inner person you are will always be there to embrace. trust me, i have been many things but I am still me, now if I can figure out who that is before I die. Wait what will I do with that information? Wonderwho

[spotlessMind]

I understand your point, which is to say I understand a certain level of pointlessness of overthinking everything, and I do agree to an extent, but in my case, the issue of identity isn't a simple "who am i" situation. It's important for me to figure SOME of it out. I know I'll never get all the answers, but some are necessary. There is a very distinct derogatory affect that it's having on my life to not have some of this figured out.

Funny thing... A while back my father was in town and he was driving me to an appointment with a psychiatrist. He asked me why I was going (regardless of being the one trying to advise me to go seek help all these years *gfaw*) and I don't remember what I said but it was probably something ambiguous and deterring. He said I appeared to be anxious and I replied, "I'm afraid if I tell them everything, they might not let me leave". Of course, this made him burst out in laughter, which made me laugh too, but it was likely the only honest thing I said about it.

Ahhh, you know, a clearer head would just be a great relief. I've had an appetizer of clarity so far, that's all.

[Tina B.]

Many of us that felt it in childhood, and tried to bury it, found it came back (Of course) but it came back stronger each time, more demanding as it where. After years of reading everything I could on the subject, not that there was that much available when I was that young, I still felt like you do. I figured out it was a part of me, but not why. By the time I reached your age, I began to understand, even the pro's didn't really know why (as far as I know they still don't). So I figured, if they can't figure it out, this boy can't either. Then I decided the only way to live with this strange behavior was to embrace it, give in to it and stop the internal war that had been raging in me for years. I'm almost 70 years old now, and I still don't know, but no longer care, why. Then only thing I find important now, is I'm happy, happy in a dress, happy to be me, and happy to enjoy one of the strangest "Hobbies" I've ever gotten in to.
Not sure about up in your country, but in the states they don't keep you there, unless you are a danger to yourself, or others, wearing a dress is not dangerous to your health. Tell all or they really can't be much help, I would think. But as I understand it, they can only help you accept yourself, they still can't tell you why.
Tina B.

[kimdl93]

My wife and I were talking about this very subject last night. She was well aware that before I started coming to terms with my gender issues, that I tended to be emotionally volatile. When I finally came out, it seemed to free me from the same deep-set, pent up anger that you describe. Its just really hard to live in denial and repression of one's nature.