JamieG
04-10-2012, 12:35 PM
In another thread, I mentioned that I had attended the Keystone conference and among other things, went to a session on "Telling your Children," presented by Dr. Maureen Osborne (gender psychologist) and Alexis Lake (licensed social worker). I was asked by a poster to comment on the session, and thought it might be of general interest, so I started a separate thread.
The session started with the question: "Should you tell your children?" The somewhat obvious answer is "Yes, if you intend a public transition" and "Maybe" otherwise.
Then Dr. Osborne talked about good reasons and bad reasons to want to tell your children. She said that if it was only to make your life more convenient, that was a bad reason, but if it was to have a better relationship with your children, then that was a good reason. In particular, I had brought up that I don't want to lie to my children, but the it's getting more difficult to redirect or misdirect the questions. In Dr. Osborne's opinion, being able to express the ideals of honesty that you expect from them is a good thing. However, she also said, if you and your spouse were involved in some kinky bedroom behaviors, you probably wouldn't feel the need to tell the children about that, so there is a line (not that she was comparing CDing to kink, but making the point that we don't need to tell our children everything we do).
She went on to point out that if you tell your children, you need to craft the message in an age-appropriate way. Reassure them, and tell them no matter what, your love for them will not change. If the questions become too detailed or the situation become too uncomfortable for either of you, you can always say "I see that this is a lot for you to take in. Why don't you take some time to think about it, and we can discuss more later if you like."
The final thing that was a bit of a surprise to me was that she said in all of her years working with the TG community, she has never once heard of a child being bullied or teased by his/her peers due to having a TG parent. I'm not sure if I believe this, but it would be nice to think so. She said that instead, sometimes other kids think that having a TG parent is a bit like having a rock star for a parent: i.e., a person who rebels against the conformity that is an anathema to many teens.
Hope this helps. Feel free to discuss and ask questions. If I recall anything else, I'll add it.
The session started with the question: "Should you tell your children?" The somewhat obvious answer is "Yes, if you intend a public transition" and "Maybe" otherwise.
Then Dr. Osborne talked about good reasons and bad reasons to want to tell your children. She said that if it was only to make your life more convenient, that was a bad reason, but if it was to have a better relationship with your children, then that was a good reason. In particular, I had brought up that I don't want to lie to my children, but the it's getting more difficult to redirect or misdirect the questions. In Dr. Osborne's opinion, being able to express the ideals of honesty that you expect from them is a good thing. However, she also said, if you and your spouse were involved in some kinky bedroom behaviors, you probably wouldn't feel the need to tell the children about that, so there is a line (not that she was comparing CDing to kink, but making the point that we don't need to tell our children everything we do).
She went on to point out that if you tell your children, you need to craft the message in an age-appropriate way. Reassure them, and tell them no matter what, your love for them will not change. If the questions become too detailed or the situation become too uncomfortable for either of you, you can always say "I see that this is a lot for you to take in. Why don't you take some time to think about it, and we can discuss more later if you like."
The final thing that was a bit of a surprise to me was that she said in all of her years working with the TG community, she has never once heard of a child being bullied or teased by his/her peers due to having a TG parent. I'm not sure if I believe this, but it would be nice to think so. She said that instead, sometimes other kids think that having a TG parent is a bit like having a rock star for a parent: i.e., a person who rebels against the conformity that is an anathema to many teens.
Hope this helps. Feel free to discuss and ask questions. If I recall anything else, I'll add it.