Ok... well I'm not leaving...

[Bree-asaurus]

So some of you may have seen a thread a couple days back where I was saying goodbye (sorry mods, didn't know that was against the rules. I should read them every once and a while :P) and asked the mods to delete my account.

Nothing major happened. I know some of you were worried about what I was going through.

Basically... I've been transitioning for 2 years but never really faced the fact that I need to be myself regardless of what I think I look like or sound like. It's been way too easy for me to sit back, be myself when I feel good, and go into hibernation when I feel bad. I've basically been leaving myself a "safety net" to fall back on while I naively believe that, one day, I will suddenly look in the mirror and be happy with who I am.

The last month was a very long hibernation that resulted in an anxiety attack when trying to see my very supportive sister and father this last Sunday. I guess I had to finally hit that wall, and realize that I can wait and wait an wait... but I will NEVER feel better about myself unless I face my fears and get over this hump. I need to go out, every day and be myself 100% of the time. I can't go into hiding, or wear my man costume every time I have issues with my ability to pass (or lack thereof).

So after a very well deserved slap in the face from the universe, I now know what I MUST face. I can't keep waiting... I can't keep hoping that things will just somehow get better. I have to do what I have to do because I don't have any other choice.

I am doing well now. I have a fresh outlook and a newfound approach. I'm going to suck it up and do what needs to be done, so maybe, one day, I can look in the mirror and be happy with the person I see.

On a related note: I made it my goal yesterday that I am getting an orchi. I once again consulted the internet regarding the DIY method, and once again reminded myself that that's insane. So on a whim, I called my dad, and asked if he could lend me the money for surgery until my car sells... and after a long talk with him today, basically showing him that this is what I must do... he agreed! I've already booked appointments with my doctor and therapist to get the letters I need, I called the surgeon prior to asking my dad, and tomorrow... TOMORROW I am calling to book my appointment for surgery! YAY! I was soooo giddy with excitement yesterday that not only had I finally set my decision in stone, but also that my dad is lending me the money so I can set the date in stone!

I have known for a while that I needed to get an orchi. Not instead of SRS, but to hold me over until I can afford SRS. I WILL GET SRS... just not now. While I would love nothing more than to be a woman inside and out, I also want to be able to settle down with my boyfriend and start a family. So my goals of increasing my income and saving money are dedicated to starting our family. Second to that, is SRS.

Anyway... thanks for listening... and sorry for jumping the gun last week with the whole 'I quit' thing. I was just at the end of my rope... and I think I needed to get that bad to finally realize what I have to do.

[StaceyJane]

Glad to see you're back Bree.
Great news on the Orchi.

[Marleena]

I almost posted today to see what happened to you Bree but wasn't sure if it was a good idea since not many saw your post. Nice to see you back and moving things along.:)

[Miranda09]

Hi Bree. Glad to hear you've started to come to certain realizations, and you'll be with us for a very long time. It's also nice to hear that your father is a very supportive person. Good luck on your future plans. :)

[arbon]

Welcome back :) I think it is wonderful that you are moving forward and doing what you need to do for you

[ZosKiaCultusC7]

This is good news! I read your previous thread and well, my heart sank. Fear is a pain in the ass and it will stop you dead in your tracks but the only way to overcome fear is to face it head on. I know, this is pretty cliche but it's true, isn't it? Your strength allows me to build strength for when it comes time to come out to work and go make a full transition.

[Bree-asaurus]

Hi Bree. Glad to hear you've started to come to certain realizations, and you'll be with us for a very long time. It's also nice to hear that your father is a very supportive person. Good luck on your future plans. :)

I'm a rare bird... 95% of the people in my life are 100% supportive. That either shows how tough this path is, or how weak I am :P


This is good news! I read your previous thread and well, my heart sank. Fear is a pain in the ass and it will stop you dead in your tracks but the only way to overcome fear is to face it head on. I know, this is pretty cliche but it's true, isn't it? Your strength allows me to build strength for when it comes time to come out to work and go make a full transition.

Yup. It's cliche but it's true.

I'm in a interesting situation because I'm self employed. The only people I have to transition in front of are the people who care about me... my family and friends. I don't have co-workers... I don't have employees... I don't have bosses. If I go back and fourth, it doesn't change a thing. I don't have to prove to anyone who I am and that makes it very easy to end up in a state of purgatory.

But if I'm to get a better job or increase my current income, or learn to be happy for ****s sake, I need to be myself. I can't keep falling back when times get tough.

To anyone in a similar situation, or ANYONE with ANY fear... you will NEVER get better unless you face it. I just hope to god or whatever that this time, I have the courage to follow through with my intentions.

[Anna Lorree]

We all have hard days, Bree. I had one yesterday, you can read it in this forum. After stomping my feet and having a few people smack me upside the head with the reality that I am choosing to not transition at this point of my life (yes, it's a choice), I went out tonight and bought a new nail polish and a tank-top in a color I wanted. So now I'm doing my nails as I respond to you, and thinking about my future. I am contemplating options, not feeling sorry that I have to decide.

I know how hard it can be to look in the mirror sometimes. If an outside opinion matters to you, all you have to do is ask.

Anna

[Bree-asaurus]

I know how hard it can be to look in the mirror sometimes. If an outside opinion matters to you, all you have to do is ask.

That's the thing... I have NEVER had an issue being myself (aside from not being able to get a job). My main obstacle is myself. I have plenty of support. I wish I could spread it around to those who don't have enough. The only person keeping me from being myself day-to-day is myself.

[sandra-leigh]

I'm glad to see you back, Bree!

I think the expression is "flying without a net" (a reference to trapeze I believe.) I feel like I'm doing that a fair bit of the time. Inventing yourself as you go along is hard work.

I hibernated a lot this year. I'm not really ready to come out yet. But I'm working towards it. And just it being spring helps, I find.

[Anna Lorree]

The only person keeping me from being myself day-to-day is myself.

I understand that, completely.

Anna

[ReineD]

I'm glad you feel better, Bree. :hugs:

[KellyJameson]

I'm glad you came back Bree and that you are safe and have found the means and strength to keep moving forward. I have often felt exactly as you did on your previous post and have blown up my life by walking away from everything trying to escape something I could not articulate and was carrying around inside me anyway so there was no escape.

Fighting against ourselves to accommodate the world does not work and in the end no one is really happy and in our misery we hurt others more than if we had listened to that inner voice and become what we were destined for and this is true I think on many levels but most importantly gender because everything else grows out of this.

Living lifes of quiet desperation is not living, life is to be acted on like a hungry dog with a meaty bone.

[Bree-asaurus]

I'm glad you feel better, Bree. :hugs:

Was trying to PM you earlier, but your inbox is full! :/

[ReineD]

Oops!



... all fixed! :)
..................

[nikkijo]

bree you gave me that same push not that long ago... so why didnt you use your owed shoulder to let you have some support so you didnt get so deep in your hole... some of us dont have very many people we talk to and we kinda like keeping the few we talk to around a bit... glad you are doing better, but next time do those of us who do care about you a favor and atleast drop a line to say hey i need some help.. even if its just a simple it will be ok... let your friends help guide you... you gave me the same advice you were failing to do for yourself... and you finally listened to yourself.... yay!!! congrats on getting the orchi... to bad human drs dont charge the same rates a vet does.... then we could afford it easier.... lol..




To anyone in a similar situation, or ANYONE with ANY fear... you will NEVER get better unless you face it. I just hope to god or whatever that this time, I have the courage to follow through with my intentions. hummm... i think you have told me that very line atleast once.... or 10 times.... employees are fun to transition in front of when your the boss and sign their pay check...

[Persephone]

.Hi Bree!

I must have missed the first post, but I'm really glad to see the second. You are one of the people on here who often helps the rest of us along and you should feel that the same help and support and encouragement is here for you.

Each day may have its ups and its downs. You may have to slow down sometimes after you've sprinted ahead for a while, but the real key is to not stop moving forward. You matter to a lot of us so please continue to keep us informed.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Jonianne]

..... but I will NEVER feel better about myself unless I face my fears .....


..... The only person keeping me from being myself day-to-day is myself.

Hi Bree, I lived with horrible depression before and while I was in therapy, until the day it really dawned on me that NO ONE WAS MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF. "I" WAS THE ONE WHO WAS MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF! The moment that realization dawned on me, the depression lifted and never returned.

I'm glad you are feeling better!

[Kristy_K]

Hi Bree, I also didn't see you first post. But it is nice not to see you go and that you are feeling better.

Kristy

[Jorja]

I am glad you are doing better. I must have missed that thread. This thing we have, call it GID or whatever you like, is not going away. We are rarely “happy with who we are” until we are who we must be. I hope that made sense?

I understand your decision to have the orchi and that will help for a while. The thing here is you are taking that step forward and you will find peace, for awhile. So now you know what you must do and what your direction must be. Be warned though, that feeling will raise its ugly head again until you do what you must do. Hopefully, there will be enough time in between to save a bit more money.

You are truly lucky to have a supportive family. So many do not have that.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'm glad you are making progress.. I know what its like to get lots of support and still feel stagnant, almost like I was letting somebody else down

From an outside perspective you have so much going for you, I'm confident you will reach your goals.

[LeaP]

Bree, I'm very happy you're staying. you are truly a mainstay here.

Lea

[Sharon]

I'm happy you're sticking around, Bree. :)

[Pamela Kay]

Glad you're staying Bree, the place just wouldn't have been the same.

Don't feel bad about denying that woman in the mirror, some of us (like me) have almost made it our life's work. It isn't easy but the decision finally comes when we have no other choice and have to put everything else aside to be who we truly are.

I think you'll find out that Bree is a pretty good woman.

[kimdl93]

Bree, I never pay attention to "I quit" posts...people sometimes just need to vent and that's one way that steam comes out. I'm so happy to hear that you have been able to work yourself through the funk and come out the other end with a more positive and proactive attitude. Best of luck...and stick around!

[Sandra1746]

I am happy that you are staying with the forum and that you are continuing with your transition. I am confident you are making the best choice. You are among friends here.

Best of luck with the surgery and wishing you a speedy recovery.

Hugs,
Sandra1746

[Traci Elizabeth]

Well Bree,

As our old friend from across the pond Sir Winston Churchill said to his people, "We have NOTHING to fear but fear itself.

As far as an Orchi I was at the same point last year when I booked it then stopped it before the surgery date as the doctor who is going to do my SRS said he did not want any scar tissue. So I accepted that for awhile then two months ago, I set another surgery date for this coming Tuesday BUT I got some very important NEWS from my wife that has caused me to cancel this second time. Read my thread titled "My Wife Said YES!" that will up up shortly.

But I am glad you did NOT delete yourself from here. You have way too many friends here. And I think you are making the right choice on the Orchi for now. SRS can be had any time that is right for you.

[ArleneRaquel]

FDR was the user of the fear phrase in his March 4, 1933 speech, maybe Churchill used it also.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Bree,

That post that asked where you were got me worried.
I'm very happy your here and in one piece.


Julia

[Bree-asaurus]

So many replies!


[...] Read my thread titled "My Wife Said YES!" that will up up shortly.

Oh I'm excited! I looked but you haven't posted it yet! Hurry up woman!


But I am glad you did NOT delete yourself from here. You have way too many friends here. And I think you are making the right choice on the Orchi for now. SRS can be had any time that is right for you.

I just booked my orchi for May 18th.... oh I'm giddy!

[Kristy_K]

Congratulations Bree. I am also planning to have an orchie in about two or three weeks to the most.

Kristy

[Jessinthesprings]

If I go back and fourth, it doesn't change a thing. I don't have to prove to anyone who I am and that makes it very easy to end up in a state of purgatory.

Based solely on your avatar I really don't see how anyone can see you as anyone other than Bree... so going back and forth would be impossible.

[Bree-asaurus]

Based solely on your avatar

Therein lies the problem :P

Rather than arguing as I always do... maybe I am pretty or decent or something. Regardless, THAT pic is 100x better than what I really look like. The angle is perfect. The lighting is just right. The stars were shining bright and the planets were aligned. :D

[Traci Elizabeth]

Therein lies the problem :P

Rather than arguing as I always do... maybe I am pretty or decent or something. Regardless, THAT pic is 100x better than what I really look like. The angle is perfect. The lighting is just right. The stars were shining bright and the planets were aligned. :D

Now wait just a dog gone minute Bree. I saw the other pictures you posted to show you are not as pretty as your current Avatar BUT the pictures you did post were actually naturally pretty and there was no doubt in my mind that be it messed up hair or no make-up, you have a natural female beauty that many would give their "balls" for (no pun intended...well maybe there is a perfect timing pun expressed since you booked your orchi). :heehee:

[Bree-asaurus]

Now wait just a dog gone minute Bree. I saw the other pictures you posted to show you are not as pretty as your current Avatar BUT the pictures you did post were actually naturally pretty and there was no doubt in my mind that be it messed up hair or no make-up, you have a natural female beauty that many would give their "balls" for (no pun intended...well maybe there is a perfect timing pun expressed since you booked your orchi). :heehee:

You just WANT me to prove you wrong, don't you? Fine! :P

Boobs bound, man shirt on, no makeup, messy hair! TAKE THAT!

I just have to learn that this is all I got... I can't change it and I have to live with it.

[Jessinthesprings]

umm... ok while trying to look manly you pull off androgenous... so I guess going back and forth is possible. We are always far more critical of ourselvs than reality. I wish you the best of luck but, I think you are one of the lucky few who could pull stealth off. I really don't think you have anything to fear but your own demons.

[Jorja]

So..... where is the horrible witch? Looks like any other girl without make up and messy hair. If that is all you have it would be no problem to live with it.

Now where did I leave that rusty old knife........

[LeaP]

I just have to learn that this is all I got... I can't change it and I have to live with it.

Got news for you, Bree, my opinion hasn't changed at all. You have incredibly feminine features. You look a lot more like a girl in drag (drab drag, that is) in this picture than a guy.

Lea

[Kristy_K]

Bree I will agree with the other people on your looks. You look better than some GGs I know.

Also if you don't like yourself then you can't except someone else to like you either.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

yep...you are stuck looking like a woman...sorry to break the bad news to you!!..

you are blessed with the non masculine brow, big eyes and femme lips... its the curse of transsexuals that don't need ffs surgery..

[arbon]

I just have to learn that this is all I got... I can't change it and I have to live with it.

You have a lot going for you!

[Badtranny]

Hey Bree!

You know I'm a fan so I'm glad you're staying, but I'm even gladder (yep) that you're feeling better about who you are. Also congrats on the Orchi, I just had one a couple of weeks ago, and I'm extremely satisfied with having done it.

[Bree-asaurus]

Also if you don't like yourself then you can't except someone else to like you either.

I don't have to like me... everyone else likes me! I'm just an awesome person. :D

I dunno... I don't see it. But it's probably just something we all deal with.

I wish I could believe everyone that disagrees with me, but I know what I see. And I can't trust anyone's opinion here because in my head, you are being supportive and saying what I want to hear. I can't trust my friends and family because they want me to feel better about myself, so why wouldn't they bend the truth a little? And if they truly do believe I look like a woman... my thought is that they see what they want to see because they know who I am on the inside... their view of me is biased. I have plenty of excuses for why you are all liars ;) (love you all though! :D)

Anyway, this is the whole issue of me leaving and coming back. I need to not care what I look like. I can't let my view of myself hold me back from living my life. I have finally learned that... I have to just suck it up and do my thing. I can't wait for my self esteem to improve because it never will by itself.

[Kristy_K]

I don't have to like me... everyone else likes me! I'm just an awesome person. :D
.

I think you said it all.

[Asako]

Bree, I don't blow smoke up someone's arse but I will say this. Is some ways, in your avatar, you resemble one of my sisters. That was an unsettling fact for me to deal with. Yes, I know that you said that was your "best appearance" and that you don't look that good all the time. We are our worst enemy. We can tear ourselves down so much better than ANYONE else can because we know exactly what we're sensitive about and HOW we're sensitive about things. Personally, I think it's your self-esteem tearing on you about your own looks much like how a woman who's slim and in shape can look at herself in a mirror and say she's fat.

I'm glad you're still here. If you had left, there'd be one less person who's opinions and thoughts keep me grounded and/or help me out.

[Rachel Smith]

Good golly woman. If you can look like that sometimes you can look like that all the time. Most of us would kill to have such natural beauty. Walk forward and be proud of who YOU are.

Love
Rachel

[Jessinthesprings]

I don't have to like me... everyone else likes me! I'm just an awesome person. :D

I dunno... I don't see it. But it's probably just something we all deal with.

I wish I could believe everyone that disagrees with me, but I know what I see. And I can't trust anyone's opinion here because in my head, you are being supportive and saying what I want to hear. I can't trust my friends and family because they want me to feel better about myself, so why wouldn't they bend the truth a little? And if they truly do believe I look like a woman... my thought is that they see what they want to see because they know who I am on the inside... their view of me is biased. I have plenty of excuses for why you are all liars ;) (love you all though! :D)

Anyway, this is the whole issue of me leaving and coming back. I need to not care what I look like. I can't let my view of myself hold me back from living my life. I have finally learned that... I have to just suck it up and do my thing. I can't wait for my self esteem to improve because it never will by itself.

I don't lie... If I thought you were manly and horribly unpassable. I would not have said a word.

[Traci Elizabeth]

You just WANT me to prove you wrong, don't you? Fine! :P

Boobs bound, man shirt on, no makeup, messy hair! TAKE THAT!

I just have to learn that this is all I got... I can't change it and I have to live with it.



Your kidding RIGHT? You look very female in that picture and NO I am not blind thank-you!

You should count your blessings Bree as you look more naturally female than most I have seen. And I am NOT trying to boost your ego. You know me and if any thing I am very direct and honest.

[Bree-asaurus]

*sigh* maybe one day I'll see it.

I just have a hard time BELIEVING in things, especially when what I see (while I will give in and admit that I could be wrong - it's happened before) tells me the opposite.

Thanks everyone for the kind words. Since it's like 20-to-1 I think I'll just keep my mouth shut before someone shuts it for me :D

[Traci Elizabeth]

*sigh* maybe one day I'll see it.

I just have a hard time BELIEVING in things, especially when what I see (while I will give in and admit that I could be wrong - it's happened before) tells me the opposite.

Thanks everyone for the kind words. Since it's like 20-to-1 I think I'll just keep my mouth shut before someone shuts it for me :D


You know Bree that you should not be looking in the mirror as what is reflected back to you is your own insecurities about your femininity. You can not see with clarity. You ought to let us be your mirror, and we will reflect back to you the truth - that you are indeed female.

I won't respond anymore on this threat because I know I have made my opinions known to you. You ought to trust us that we speak the truth.

[docrobbysherry]

Bree, I think you're CUTE, period! And, if you've seen Sherry's pics, u KNOW how picky I am! Heck, I'd date u. Only if u were older, tho. I don't date women still in their child bearing years!

Let me add, I'll be HAPPY to hear that you've left cd.com. Let me finish.

ONLY when it's on your terms and your choice. And, because u don't need us any more and have moved on in your life as a woman! NOT because you're unhappy with yourself!
When THAT day comes, even tho I don't always agree with u or sometimes even understand your point of view, I WILL MISS U! And, I'm sure I won't be the only one!

PS: We r ALL our own worst critics. That's just the way it is!

[Bree-asaurus]

I won't respond anymore on this threat because I know I have made my opinions known to you. You ought to trust us that we speak the truth.

I'm sorry! I'll believe it all! I SWEAR! Don't threaten me!

;)

[Pamela Kay]

Bree, you look more like a woman without being made up than I do with makeup.
So accept the fact that you're hot and let's stop beating a dead horse! :)

Really, I hadn't seen your "real life" pictures until now and you are a woman whether you believe it or not.
I would love to look as good as you and be your age.

Not seeing yourself as being blessed doesn't mean it isn't true.

[StasiaTX]

Hey Bree I am new here but have been lurking quite a while and take it from me, I for one am glad to see a Texas girl stick around ;)

[Anna Lorree]

You just WANT me to prove you wrong, don't you? Fine! :P

Boobs bound, man shirt on, no makeup, messy hair! TAKE THAT!

I just have to learn that this is all I got... I can't change it and I have to live with it.

Don't feel bad, OK? I just took these a moment ago with my webcam (I had to figure out how it worked, first). If I transition, I'm gonna have to pay the rhinoplasty surgeon double-time, and you can see by my beard shadow how lucky you are to be blonde.

You ARE cute Bree, but who you are is far more important and what I really admire and adore about you most. Believe it or not, YOU have inspired me and I appriciate that. Thank you.

Anna

[SandraAbsent]

Love your gutz! Glad to see you worked your way through it!

[Jacqueline Winona]

Bree, you're spirit transcends everything about you, and your inner beauty is remarkable- as is your fine, fine appearance! Glad you're sticking around, the place is better with you.

[morgan51]

Thankyou for staying Bree. I like most of your posts.You add a lot to this forum.