Can somebody please re-inflate me?

[Frédérique]

“I’ve been stripped bare, and nobody cares...
And the people I looked up to are no longer there...” (Matt Johnson)

Lately I’ve been feeling deflated, just like that tire on my sister’s car. The latter was fixed, but is there any hope for THIS inflatable doll? I don’t know – I go through spells around here where I wonder what I’m doing, or WHY I’m doing anything. I would also say “Why do I bother?” but let’s not be pretentious...

Case in point - I recently reached out to a few other members by way of PM’s, as I often do, if only to reinforce my own feelings of beauty and wonder about crossdressing. One of these members was relatively new, declaring that she loved the place and was happy to be here at long last (sound familiar?). This, combined with a parallel course (career path) much like my own, and an appreciation for prettiness, attracted me and inspired me to write a little something – I go through periods where I feel like writing about most anything, you know. I’ve been meaning to write THIS for a few days now, but my enthusiasm has been waxing and waning...

So, I began a little relationship of sorts with the aforementioned member, only to be deflated by a subsequent PM reversing the previous “glad to be here” position. Yup, it seems as though too much written feedback (via posts) wilted our little flower, and now, quite abruptly, she’s thinking of leaving. Naturally, I soon became the only reason for the person to stick around, but future posting will be curtailed, I’m told. Well, that’s too bad, but I’m beginning to feel like the girl with a blank dance card around here – kindred spirits are so rare, and so flighty, that they seem to be scared of their own CD shadow. So much for reaching out, eh?

I can understand it, in fact I went through the same thing when I first began posting on forums like this. You extend yourself, or declare your feminine intentions, only to have your precious hopes dashed unceremoniously by unexpected responses or a dearth of responses. Many friends, or prospective friends, have come and gone. I don’t mourn their loss any more, in fact I expect people to vanish – I half-expect to hear from a previously loved one (an old friend) with this message: “Are YOU still here?” Yes, I am, and I wonder why sometimes, but this is a very mysterious meeting place indeed...

Here is some unsolicited advice for newbies:

First of all, you need to develop a thick skin, much like sloping armor on a tank that can deflect incoming shaped-charge projectiles (didn’t know that I’m a military historian, didya?). Many people, let’s call them individuals, have a different ”take” on crossdressing, at odds with your own. I’ve been in more defensive struggles than I can count around here, some passionate and some half-hearted, but it’s all counter-productive blather that can wear down one’s reserve. Better to remain who you ARE, so you need to protect yourself on the battlefield of verbosity...

Secondly, don’t tell anyone you’re happy to be here, or you’re glad you found the place – you’re painting a target on that pretty dress you’re wearing, trolling for a dressing-down, if you will pardon my obvious pun, so please curb your unabashed enthusiasm. You can learn a lot here, but don’t show your cards too soon, or at all – most members that have achieved longevity are mysterious in the extreme, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I, myself, use contradiction creatively! If you’re like me, a morsel of a compliment or a positive word now and then goes a long way. I would say that it makes me feel all gooey inside, pretty, dainty, and fairy-like, kiss-kiss, etc, but I do not wish to be bludgeoned with verbal clubs by my enemies...

Third, RELAX!!! You’re here, so just enjoy yourself. If you’ve never been on a discussion forum before, this one is pretty benign, with much support (within), insight, and information that you simply cannot find anywhere else. You’ll meet the odd individual who doesn’t like what you represent, even though you may be initially unaware of such a concept, but keep moving forward, or sideways, or whatever type of locomotion you prefer. Nobody is trying to CHANGE you here – rather, you’re being enhanced, reinforced, and supported by those unseen. The idea is to obtain a better idea of your “self,” but not at the expense of others. I believe all types of CD’ers can co-exist and learn from each other, even though we are, by definition, VERY different...

If you made it this far, thanks for reading my “rant,” for lack of a better description – I like to look for certain types of MtF crossdressers on this site, and I often reach out to them, if only to express a mutual desire to be a certain way (call it feminine, if you must). Some individuals are very perishable by nature, so I advise caution, as well as patience – I can certainly NOT be here, just like I AM here now. There is no difference between the two, but, for now, we can meet each other as “fellow” explorers, mutual experimenters, and like-minded pioneers moving towards an undisclosed destination. I’m glad to meet YOU, for I spent plenty of time in the wilderness alone. Please stick around...

Do you ever wonder why you’re here? Or why you’re STILL here? What’s it all about, darling? :idontknow:

BTW, if I write a PM to you, and it’s...ahem...lengthy, you really should write to ME as a courtesy. I know it’s time consuming, and I know it’s difficult – after all, you can’t see me, and I can’t see you, so this whole exercise is like lobbing things over a fence, not knowing where they will land, or how they will be received. I understand. A girl in art school once made me realize that effort is a one-way street, and the “doing” is an end in itself. That’s true, but I, your humble narrator, could use a little inflation now and then, OK?

Oh, one more piece of advice – if you write something more than one paragraph in length, please don’t bother “warning” me about a LONG post! Haven’t you seen any of my things?
:eek:

[suzy1]

I’m still here freddy [and I got to the end of your thread as well] :)

That’s what friends are for!:hugs:

Now cheer up, and keep posting that’s my girl.:bighug:

[Cynthia Anne]

I'm still here also Freddy! I love this song! [You find out who your freinds are!] I love reading your long post! I think wow this girl (Freddy) has really got it togeter!
I think it's time for you to have anoher beautiful ''tea party''! Hugs!:hugs:

[TGMarla]

Hi Freddy. Get out the tire pump, my friend. I'm glad you're here. I come here every day, but I rarely stop for a drink anymore. I still troll around and look to see what's up, but I can only comment on things that are of any interest to me these days. And one has to have more than one word to say in order to respond. Case in point: one member says, "Gee, I think I'll wear my bra to work today under all my guy clothes!" My response would be "Why?" But instead, I say nothing, and let our little flower have her day wearing something that makes no sense at all in that situation.

You always have a point of view, Freddy. Whether it's shared by others or not, you articulate it quite well, and manage to get across how you're seeing things at any particular time. It's refreshing. Don't change. And if you do go away, remember to stop by and visit from time to time. I've been here for many years, mostly because I've developed that armor you mentioned that deflects most of the incoming scuds. I do things my own way, and I don't let anyone else tell me otherwise. Advice is alway a welcome thing. Criticism can be good, but it's usually just hurtful. My needs are met just fine without any desire to "take it to the next level". So I no longer let what others suggest bother me in the least.

As far as I'm concerned, you rock. So roll that tire into a Discount Tire store, get it inflated again, and let it roll for another 10,000 miles. You still have lots of tread on you.

[diannecourtney]

My goodness,to hear that your tire is flat is so unimaginable, it is almost a heritical claim. I for one look forward so to your declarations, that they almost push me into the total transformation jnto the feminine world. Many thanks for your thoughtful insights, they save many a day, please do keep it up.

[Foxglove]

Being a newbie on a forum is like meeting somebody for the first time, somebody you feel a certain affinity for. You can't just say, "We're going to be great friends!", or "I'm sure we'll be able to trust each other!" You can't know whether you're truly friends or can trust each other until a certain amount of time goes by and you've got to know each other better. The proof of the pudding. . .

Annabelle

[Jacqueline Winona]

Freddy, everyone likes to read you posts! And view your profile, avatar, etcv. Keep up the spirits and don't let one or two disappointments take you out of your comfort zone. :)

[sherri]

IME, the forum, valuable as it is, can only get you so far. Sooner or later, I need someone with some skin on. Regardless, some emotional up-and-down seems to be inevitable. Just gotta ride it out. One thing though -- I've never let some stranger with a keyboard get me down.

[Marleena]

*Gets out the tire pump* That better Freddie? You bring a wonderful thing to to this board my friend. It's a pleasant journey into femininity with you.:) When I joined here I jumped in with both feet as my post count can attest test to. People get disillusioned and leave, not much we can do about it. Selective reading is the key here. After a while you learn who is pleasant and non judgemental. Then there are the intolerant ones that look for signs of weakness and pounce at every opportunity. You can always see it coming.

Sure we get the fantasy stuff, the newbie stuff, the erotic, etc. It is to be expected. Some are finally finding people with similar interests for the first time and sharing wearing panties for the first time could be a new milestone of discovery and excitement. We all started somewhere.

I'm comfortable with who I am and nobody can take that away from me. I want to see others become comfortable with themselves too. I've had a couple of flats here but I fix them and continue on. We are transgendered, we can let the the shame and guilt destroy us or just enjoy it. Those are the only two real choices. I tried the first choice and it really sucks so I took the second choice and enjoy it now.:)

Thanks for the eye opener my friend.:)

[larry]

Your intelligence actually inhibits me from responding to most of your postings. I always think "this person is so smart and been around this crossdressing thing for a while-how could I assume to write anything to her that would not seem like dribble. That being said-Thanks for all you do. Have a great day!!

[JessHaust]

Freddy, as a cyclist I highly recommend carrying a C02 inflator, it's much faster than a pump and is easier to carry!
Sometimes I take quite a beating here because of my not so well hidden opinions, but I can take it, I know who I am, and yes I push a bit to get others to be more comfortable with themselves. I do it not to make anyone uncomfortable, but in the hopes that they can experience and celebrate their gender gift to it's fullest.
I began my journey into fulfilling my desire native like everyone else. I did not understand who I was or who anyone else was. I believed that there was one category called cross dresser and that was it. But now I know that we are a hugh range of feelings, emotions, desires just like everyone else.

I now know that we have the Straight-Bi-Gay and all the gray scale in-between, we have the Closeted door-locked, tight-stay-at-home, and the out on the town members. Most of us are just doing what human beings everywhere do, we discover who and where we are and just want everyone else to understand that we have found the correct answer and why the hell are you not doing as I do? I'm as guilty of this as anyone here, I can never understand why you all don't go out like I do. But I have come to understand that it is my choice and it works for me, but I'm not everybody else here.

What I do know is that however we argue, disagree, get mad, get glad, we are here because we all share at least a fundamental feeling that is not found in the rest of human kind. And maybe we just need an outlet to be heard, or maybe we need a little push, maybe we just need to see that we are not alone. We are all here because we want to be.

[kimdl93]

Hi Freddy,

sorry you feel that the air has been let out of you. I certainly appreciate your presence here, and the obvious effort you put into your posts. You are valued.

I come here to be among like-minded people. Having said that, there's such diversity even among a group of individuals who collectively define themselves as CDrs. I've stuck around now for more than 2 years, and I know I've grown and been wisened by the exposure to many other people's experiences and opinions.

I can't say for sure why people leave, but my guess is that life, in its many different ways, has intervened. My hope is that each one is well and has moved on to bigger and better things .

[Sandra1746]

I do appreciate your thoughtful, and yes long, posts.
I'm here for a chance to participate in a 'community' albeit a virtual one. I enjoy reading and sometimes commenting on posts and I enjoy discussing the progression on my CD-persona. This requires a thick skin and a degree of risk. I developed the thick skin from the line of work I was in; finding flaws in system designs. The risk of being "outed" is not an issue, the story of my life would be a cure for insomnia if published.

Cheer up and know that the great majority of us here are with you 100%.

Hugs,
Sandra1746

[LeaP]

Consider that the girl with the empty dance card is often the prettiest in the room, the smartest has the fewest dates, the best dressed the least approached. All misperceived as to other merits undiscovered.

Having had a short dance or two now, Freddy, your charms include a delightfully different take on things, a perspective that proves to me that art is conscious in some artists and not as inaccessible as some think. One does have to invite a partner even if a bit intimidated, though, lest the prettiness harden in mind's eye to a mask and false ideas are confirmed out of fear.

I haven't felt fear so much as ... difference. That is, I appreciate your expression and perspective much - but it isn't native to me, either, particularly the former. Tall and short can dance, but it requires a certain willingness and accommodation. With it, the two are the most interesting partners on the floor. Without - well, you get the picture.

Your plea appears to be to like-minded individuals only, Freddy. So while I'm truly happy to offer you the encouragement above, and dismayed that you are discouraged, I'm not sure how much how much my bit of air helps. Take as much as you need, though, because as much as the loss of a skilled dancer would be to the floor, to lose such a unique choreographer would be ever so much more damaging to us all. Are you such? Yes - the dance changes every time you post.

Lea

[Kaz]

Hey Freddie,

cyberspace is a strange place to be! I don't get on here on a regular basis... well sometimes I do and sometimes it can be days or even weeks as other aspects of life get in the way. I am well aware that some members disappear for long periods... we are a rare breed and all have our problems and issues. many of us are still confused about who we are and still learning to deal with who we are...

I have always welcomed your posts and regard you as a real asset to this community. You continue to provide insights into who we are and always stimulate/provoke deep reflection... Sometimes I don't respond because i need to think and inwardly digest what you have said and then the thread moves on and so on...

The nature of the forum is that there is so much going on, threads get lost very quickly...

I am one of your fans! Please don't go :eek:! You are one of the reasons I am here. :daydreaming:

[Jonianne]

Hi Freddy, I hope you let in the caring being sent your way. There is nothing wrong with asking for a hug or attention sometimes. (I learned that in my therapy group) I know what you mean by the PM's. When I see someone here that seems like a kindred spirit, I will start PM'ing them and we get going for a while, but I am one that pours out, sometimes too much I guess, and the PM'ing tends to die off. That happens in my life as well, I tend to open the flood gates when I think I have found a good friend and I think I scare them off. I end up being pretty much a loner, even here. Don't get me wrong, I still consider many of them very good friends, but I tend to hold back now and not reach out as much, trying to find that kindred spirit. I just figure to ask for support from some of them only when I feel I really need it and not on an ongoing basis.

[Miriam-J]

It's certainly easy to feel downtrodden here. It's been just two months for me now, and there have half a dozen times when one harsh response or another has had me declaring to myself that I would never post again. I've needed a thicker skin than has ever been of use with family or office. Yet, I've found enough encouraging and reasonable voices that I continue to come. But I can't imagine lasting years as a few, including Freddy, have done.

I've learned that there is tremendous variation amongst the participants in this forum, and only a few are close to my own "mode". Once this lesson took hold, I began to filter a great deal more on whose postings I even bothered to read or respond to. I have a soft spot for a few of the most thoughtful and reasonable, especially Freddy, and attempt to do as well in my own writings (but rarely succeed). Sometimes I get support, sometimes I'm ignored, and sometimes hostility ensues. In the end, the only one who I can allow to intrude on my own ego is myself - but it doesn't hurt to have the occasional private message or supporting post.

So, keep the air pump charged and look for where you can find or offer encouragement. If you don't feel confident in expressing yourself in public, use private or visitor messages. We all need the help, even if self-driven. Cherish the support you do receive, and blow off the hostility of those who apparently don't know any better.

Miriam

[Barbara Ella]

Dear Frederique. i am standing by patiently, with my overabundance of hot air waiting for the single precise moment to assist in your re inflation. And i do not mean by blowing up your skirt. Our lives are so cyclical. One life is difficult to track by itself, but when we take on two beings, the combinations can be a bit overwhelming. being new and going through this all so rapidly confuses me quite a lot and like you i try to make the best out of it

Haven't been here long enough to think about leaving, and have not experienced the emotions that would make me leave for more than a few days, but I know I am too young to appreciate what the adults have gone through to arrive at their station in life.

Been a down day for me today and no real reason. Home alone all day until 10 pm, and no desire to dress. Tried lipstick and nail polish, but quit after two nails and took everything off. Yet, I am here to say that it is still best to stay the course. This too shall pass.

Since i do not even know who I am yet, I certainly cannot recognize a kindred spirit, so I try to offer advice and support to all, and yet I can not begin to approach your reach into the soul assistance that your thoughtful posts invoke/provide. So, even when feeling deflated you are still capable of serving sustenance to we hungry few. May I have more please?

Barbara

[KellyJameson]

In the virtual world it is possible to touch and be touched by someone but this experience is different than the real world and the possibilities and limits are unique to each world and it is difficult to move from one world to the other much like the experience of long term friends suddenly becoming physically intimate, there is a awkwardness woven into the excitement creating tension whose outcome is uncertain.

We humans are much more fragile than we care to admit creating all these complex strategies to be safe from harm but yet fulfilling the need to find purpose. At its core life is suffering and we build on this shaky foundation trying to give meaning to our temporal existence walking the razors edge between life and death.

There is little risk to being transparent on this forum if you have no intention of ever meeting the people who you have allowed to see into you in ways that you may never allow in the real world. It is a safe way to walk naked through the virtual world which may than lead to finding the courage to do the same in the real world. The forum can be a source of strength and new found self understanding but to find love I think you must step into the real world.

I have always felt like I was born broken because of how I respond to the world and the difficulties of living with the intensity of my sensitivity, everything pours into me unasked for and I usually feel like a leaf that has dropped into a rushing river being swept by forces beyond my comprehension, it is difficult for me to act on the world because I'm always reacting to it.

There is a delicacy and fragility to me that I have never been able to escape that seeks and needs to be sustained if I do not want to perish. It is a burden that many do not know or understand and I think this burden also weighs heavily on you.

There are few sign posts pointing the way to happiness for are kind and thinking outside of the box takes on a special urgency.

It is not that you are not worthy of love or are unlovable it is that you are being imprisoned by the gifts that are born from your uniqueness. For me the only solution to this problem was to treat the world as my backyard and move into it and become part of it instead of staking out a little corner that I could call my own. Our sensitivity demands that we expand outward to include all things, you must be willing to take risk because the suffering that comes from risk even if it is your life is less than the suffering that comes from not giving expression to what is inside us.

Do not risk your integrity, morals or values that are defined by you and you alone but everything else is an illusion, we are here to learn and teach being simultanously student and mentor.

Remember that many will be intimidated by the powers of your mind, do not change to accommodate their self doubt but be aware of its consequences. No single person is ever likely to be able to sustain you because the powers of your mind need more than is humanly possible for one person to give you unless you are fortunate enough to meet yourself in another whose expression of self mirrors your own while still being your opposite in those ways vital to sustaining love. I have found it is easier to turn lead into gold than to find this but I'm still hopeful.

Hope I did not add to your deflation, I truly do understand how difficult it is for you even if I do not understand your many facets and undercurrents.

[Kaz]

From the increasing length of the posts here we are not just recognising Freddie's massive contribution... we are emulating...! You are a star and a much loved one!

[Sam-antha]

Do you ever wonder why you’re here? Or why you’re STILL here? What’s it all about, darling?


A girl in art school once made me realize that effort is a one-way street, and the “doing” is an end in itself. That’s true, but I, your humble narrator, could use a little inflation now and then, OK?



I frequently wonder lately why I am still here. As to why i got here, well that don;t know the answer to that either.That wee girl knew the answers

[Vanessa5]

I do enjoy your posts. They make me think. I do enjoy this site but I am aware that there are some that tear down or apart. For the most part I scan what I wish to read, then sign in and reply. I wish I replied more to your posts, but sometimes I am intimidated by the thought and intelligence you put in your posts. Kinda like I want to but let me think how to put it then get sidetracked then.... well you get the picture. Oh and I am content to be part of this site. Not glad.

[Karinsamatha]

Freddy I have come to look forward to your posts, you have a mastery of the English language that I am humbled by. You have a tremendous ability to put down in words that many my self included would be hard pressed to do aurally.
Everyone goes through periods of up and down - Just let it be known that I respect and appreciate your insight, and am humbled by the way you bare your soul to the rest of us.
Now let me get the hose of the air compresser and re inflate you.

[drushin703]

Frederique: If, as a male, you put on pantyhose and a dress then whatever words I might offer you is a cheap reward. To crossdress is to engage
in the most fantastic rock opera known to modern man...........I love you. Dizzying ins't it, to be loved by the unknown. It's like trying
to paint a landscape standing on your head..But to me, love is pleasure and your many intellegent posts give to me great pleasure.



sincerely, dana

[busker]

Hello Freddy,
a few weeks ago, or so, there was a thread about coming from a touchy , feely family. Though I thought of responding I didn't but did indeed come from a not-so-touchy-feely-family. It has made my shy, a loner, and one not very likely to get very personal with others. There were quite a few who responded that they were not from such families and we all seemed to share the "loner" part.
If you seem to be swimming against the tide here by trying to reach out to us, the lack of response sometimes must certainly be reflected in the prevalent "lonerist" membership. I'm certain we would all respond more but it simply isn't in our nature at the moment. It must seem contradictory that we are here to exchange views of ourselves and yet we can fail to respond in many instances to the things that we truly care about.
Don't take silence personally Freddy, it isn't a reflection of anything that you do. Like others, I read what you have to say, but often times find I have no words to reply to an elegant , thought-provoking post.

[DianeDeBris]

Hi Freddy - I'm glad you're here - very glad. More (obviously) than you know. FWIW, youre one of the people whose posts I routinely read start to finish. You enrich my knowledge and challenge my beliefs. (in my world, that's a good thing!). I realize you could not be here; lots of us would be diminished if you weren't. IMO, being here is beneficial, or more, for you too. Please remember, as Aquinas said: "A thing cannot both be and not be in the same way at the same time." I and many of us, gain from you and your thoughts. Big hugs - Diane

[docrobbysherry]

Freddie, I won't pretend I read your posts completely. I don't have ADD but I'm NOT known for deep, introspective, concentration either!

I CAN tell at a glance that your posts r well read and u receive many replies compared to others here. If THAT doesn't help inflate u then, how about this? Your post title reminded me of a kinky story I was reading recently about a babe with inflatable-----oh never mind! That story may NOT help inflate u very much!

[jaleecd]

I read your posts every time they are available. I get a lot of psychic income to fuel my quiet little patch of this strange impulse to be purty for a instant, if only in my mind.(just do not look in the mirror.) lol
I too feel a certain amount of dis quiet from some of the posts, whose authors seem to be stuck in a constant state of extreme P M S....
Any way continue to show us the quiet girl and Her special mind and thoughts....

[Frédérique]

I wish to thank everyone who has responded so far! I feel well on the road to full inflation after this outpouring of support. I often write these things to get away from real life situations that are troubling me – I just got through a rough patch (not CD related, BTW), and I hope I can get back to a semi-normal state in all areas before too much longer...

It was odd to feel deflated by a complimentary PM, but I just couldn’t understand why someone would bother to become a member, express joy at finding kindred spirits (other GIRLS, if you will), only to test the waters and decide it’s too cold to go any deeper, or further. Better to lurk, I say, but if you stick around and roll with the invisible punches there are undeniable benefits here. As for me, some final straw will break the camel’s back, and I begin to question my own involvement...

But, that’s how it is. I certainly don’t have all the answers, which is why I’m here shoveling words in front of the membership, hoping to bounce a few back at me. It can be a solitary preoccupation (what ELSE is new?), one that requires patience and a tolerance for low returns. My own crossdressing is never in doubt; in fact I am firmly entrenched as an American tranny, reinforced by YOU all...
:battingeyelashes:

I’m actually going to respond to replies in my own thread! WOW!!! :doh:


I do things my own way, and I don't let anyone else tell me otherwise. Advice is always a welcome thing. Criticism can be good, but it's usually just hurtful. My needs are met just fine without any desire to "take it to the next level". So I no longer let what others suggest bother me in the least.

I’ve had several individuals say that I’m the only reason why they stick around, and that puts a lot of pressure on Freddy and her wallflower nature. I feel guilty that I can’t get back to everyone who has offered a kind word, since those words are nourishing – I blush even thinking about it! I’m also in the same “I do things my way” boat, largely impervious to criticism. But, I feel that if I can’t get a point across efficiently, I deserve some constructive criticism...


When I joined here I jumped in with both feet as my post count can attest test to. People get disillusioned and leave, not much we can do about it. Selective reading is the key here.

I’ve met many disillusioned individuals, both here and at other sites, and there are many people that I miss dearly – once again I reached out, began a little friendship, and then watched the many intangibles erode away a once promising CD presence, knocking the wind out of yours truly. I’m always astounded at the wonder of what we do, even though few would agree with me – if I lose that thread, I’ll be in trouble...


Your plea appears to be to like-minded individuals only, Freddy.

We could have a discussion about what being a “like-minded” individual entails! I assume that I don’t think exactly like you do, and vice versa, but I look for certain clues that may lead to a friendship – the latter is merely a confirmation that we exist, we are a certain type of crossdresser, and we can perhaps carry on a written conversation about our purported similarities. Reaching out can be seen as a form of gambling – less like a shot in the dark, and more like a calculated risk. I rarely do it, but it can be very enjoyable. The “kindred spirit” is what I’m really looking for...


I know what you mean by the PM's. When I see someone here that seems like a kindred spirit, I will start PM'ing them and we get going for a while, but I am one that pours out, sometimes too much I guess, and the PM'ing tends to die off.

That’s happened to me, in fact I once “died off” (off-ed myself) from a series of lengthy PM’s a little over a year ago – it got to be too much, and I was the ONLY contact for this other person. She and I could not have been more un-alike, but we did share a few like interests. This massive amount of writing behind the scenes kept me away from the main body of the forum. Gasp! Other friends have a much more casual writing pace, which is comfortable AND comforting at the same time...


Hope I did not add to your deflation, I truly do understand how difficult it is for you even if I do not understand your many facets and undercurrents.

The idea of “undercurrents” is another excellent topic for discussion! We cannot fully know the other person, especially in this second-hand form of communication, since there is no need to disclose everything. I’m always aware that someone else probably has better things to do than write to a lonely girl in Kansas, but perhaps our undercurrents will briefly merge, much like when the waters rise and the streams leave their banks. Truth be told, I would like to understand my facets, even though I present the same “face” all the time, much like the Moon...


It's like trying to paint...

I just wrote a thing about painting, and it’s on this site, but I can’t advertise myself... :shush:


how about this? Your post title reminded me of a kinky story I was reading recently about a babe with inflatable-----oh never mind!

I was going to say that I was “flat” due to a leaking valve stem, but this place is PG (I assume)...:eek:

Ah... I feel much better! I appreciate everyone’s patience... :)

[lynnef]

i'm here too (even though I'm still a n00b compared to some, both on this forum and to cd'ing..)
like many others I enjoy reading good emotional writing, which your posts have in spades :)

usually when i post something it kills a thread, or something like that (hope it doesn't happen to this one though... :)

[Sandra1746]

It is nice to hear that you have found some "air" to inflate your spirits. There are always going to be bumps in the road but, with perseverance the journey will be successful. We are with you 100%.

Love,
Sandra1746

[Julogden]

An excellent post, and I'm glad to hear that you're re-inflated. ;)

Your postings are always worth reading. Thanks for contributing here with so many thoughtful posts.

Carol

[DebbieL]

“I’ve been stripped bare, and nobody cares...
And the people I looked up to are no longer there...” (Matt Johnson)


Lately I’ve been feeling deflated, just like that tire on my sister’s car. The latter was fixed, but is there any hope for THIS inflatable doll? I don’t know – I go through spells around here where I wonder what I’m doing, or WHY I’m doing anything. I would also say “Why do I bother?” but let’s not be pretentious...

I often wonder if GGs also experience something like this? Trying to look pretty, do the things you love doing, and not only does it not get noticed by the people you want to notice, but you DO get noticed by the jerks. Perhaps that's one of the reasons why so many women just give up and wear pants most of the year, and wear shorts when it's too hot for pants.

Cross-dressers often have an additional twist of complexity. Trapped with one leg on each side of the gender fence, it's very easy to get tired, bend the knees, and get hurt pretty badly.

Transsexuals know that they WANT to be women, that they are women trapped in boy's bodies, and have to decide whether they want to go through all of the pain and expense required to transition. If I could be heavily sedated while doing electrolysis, laser, et al, and be assured of little or no paint, AND have the insurance company pay for all or most of it, I'd make the switch in a heartbeat. I'd be a big ugly broad, but at least my body would find my mind.

But since that isn't an option for me, I have to deal with the consequences of maintaining both male and female presentations. Even going on a business trip can mean some tricky packing. If Debbie doesn't get out once in a while, she takes it out on Rex, and skills and capabilities associated with Debbie are no longer available to Rex. On the flip side, going out as Debbie means that I have to be able to create an effective presentation as a girl which takes time, money and patience.

The other thing that's a bear is the consequences. For transsexuals, it often starts very young. We can lose friends, get bullied, get sexually abused. We can lose friends, family, girl-friends, lovers, wives, and even children.
If you know you are transsexual, then it's just a price you have to pay. On the other hand, if you are just a transgendered cross-dresser, and only doing it part time, with no desire to make a permanent change, it can be very cyclical.
One the drab days, the thought of doing all the work to get dolled up just makes you tired, and you don't want to make the effort, but the thought of never being pretty again is terrifying.
On the pretty days, the process of getting made up and dressed creates vitality, passion for life, and going out to a social event and putting it all on the line can make me feel incredibly alive, authentic, and powerful.

Sometimes the conflict just seems so overwhelming that the thought of having to spend the rest of your life without ever being able to be pretty again - is enough to make you go for the bottle, or drugs, or even suicide.
I've been through all of it, and the only thing I know for sure is that the best thing I ever did was come out of the closet and start to experience the world as Debbie. I wish I could have done more earlier, and now that I know what's possible, I wish I had shared "Debbie's Secret" with some of the friends in high school and/or college. I know that they were open minded, and thanks to facebook, have found that many would have supported me even back then.


Case in point - I recently reached out to a few other members by way of PM’s, as I often do, if only to reinforce my own feelings of beauty and wonder about crossdressing. One of these members was relatively new, declaring that she loved the place and was happy to be here at long last (sound familiar?). This, combined with a parallel course (career path) much like my own, and an appreciation for prettiness, attracted me and inspired me to write a little something – I go through periods where I feel like writing about most anything, you know. I’ve been meaning to write THIS for a few days now, but my enthusiasm has been waxing and waning...

I don't get PMs often here, but when I do, it's usually from people who have private and personal concerns, which don't need to be discussed in a public forum. I try to respond as quickly as I see them, but I'm not on every day, and I don't often have time to craft a carefully worded answer that addresses all of the issues. Your message here is something that I think most of us deal with. It deserved a really good and positive answer.


So, I began a little relationship of sorts with the aforementioned member, only to be deflated by a subsequent PM reversing the previous “glad to be here” position. Yup, it seems as though too much written feedback (via posts) wilted our little flower, and now, quite abruptly, she’s thinking of leaving. Naturally, I soon became the only reason for the person to stick around, but future posting will be curtailed, I’m told. Well, that’s too bad, but I’m beginning to feel like the girl with a blank dance card around here – kindred spirits are so rare, and so flighty, that they seem to be scared of their own CD shadow. So much for reaching out, eh?

I can certainly understand that. I first started discussing my transgender issues on usenet newsgroups about 30 years ago. I participated in both net.motss and net.women (later moved to soc.motss and soc.women). Motss was members of the same sex, for gay and lesbian issues. The women's group had several threads discussing feminine and masculine roles and stereotypes, and there were many transgendered posters who were quite willing to share about how aggressively they had been forced to play the masculine roles, and to suppress all feminine traits as completely as possible. Several transsexuals began posting and sharing their experience of transitioning. Back in those days, AT&T and IBM were about the only companies that were transgender friendly, and even those transitions were handled very delicately, often involving a transfer, relocation, or department changes. The fresh start often meant a drop in pay and promotion opportunities for a while, but it gave post-ops the ability to enter the new group as their new gender, without having to explain who they were before.


I can understand it, in fact I went through the same thing when I first began posting on forums like this. You extend yourself, or declare your feminine intentions, only to have your precious hopes dashed unceremoniously by unexpected responses or a dearth of responses. Many friends, or prospective friends, have come and gone. I don’t mourn their loss any more, in fact I expect people to vanish – I half-expect to hear from a previously loved one (an old friend) with this message: “Are YOU still here?” Yes, I am, and I wonder why sometimes, but this is a very mysterious meeting place indeed...

Part of the problem is that there is an entire spectrum within the transgender community, ranging from the cross-dresser who only gets dressed up in their own bedroom when the wife is away, to the post-op transsexual who has decided that they will risk exposure by helping others to make the decision of whether or not to transition, and to help them understand the process of making the transition if they choose to transition.

Very often, a newcomer makes lots of mistakes. They may not even know the difference between a fetish, a drag queen, a female impersonator, a cross-dresser, a transsexual, a she-male, and a post-op M2F transsexual who is essentially the woman she has always wanted to be.

Worse, they may thing that if they identify as one, that they can't make a move to some other spot on the spectrum. Even post-op girls sometimes dress in drab, sweats, or baggies.


individuals[/I], have a different ”take” on crossdressing, at odds with your own. I’ve been in more defensive struggles than I can count around here, some passionate and some half-hearted, but it’s all counter-productive blather that can wear down one’s reserve. Better to remain who you ARE, so you need to protect yourself on the battlefield of verbosity...

any newcomer to any new community has to deal with finding and accepting the "Norms" of that culture. A newcomer may be thrilled to finally have a chance to talk to others like him. I remember thinking for almost 10 years that I was the only boy who ever wanted to be a girl. I went to therapy but the therapists REFUSED to ever allow me to START a discussion about wanting to be a girl. When a friend took me to a gay bar and I met my first drag queen, I wanted to meet her and I told her that I always wanted to be a girl too, and she quickly explained that this was strictly for shows, that she never wanted to be a girl. That drove me back into the "drawer" for another 8 years.

We often forget in this group how painful it was to be alone and transgendered. Whether it was just wanting to wear the clothes, or wanting to switch bodies with even a reasonably attractive girl, it was something most of us had a hard time sharing. Many of us were bullied, and about half of all transgendered boys have tried to commit suicide and felt they should have died. And for each of those who tried, it's a safe guess that another two actually died. So much of this was because there was so little freedom to express ourselves, to dress the way we wanted to, to be pretty, to play with dolls instead of guns, even if only once in a while.

I find it interesting that there are all these anti-bullying campaigns that have come up as a result of people being bullied to the point of suicide, yet teachers, faculty, clerics, and athletic programs feel that it's perfectly OK to bully a "Sissy" even though most of those who triggered the anti-bullying measures were gay, lesbian, transgendered, or bisexual.


If you made it this far, thanks for reading my “rant,” for lack of a better description – I like to look for certain types of MtF crossdressers on this site, and I often reach out to them, if only to express a mutual desire to be a certain way (call it feminine, if you must). Some individuals are very perishable by nature, so I advise caution, as well as patience – I can certainly NOT be here, just like I AM here now. There is no difference between the two, but, for now, we can meet each other as “fellow” explorers, mutual experimenters, and like-minded pioneers moving towards an undisclosed destination. I’m glad to meet YOU, for I spent plenty of time in the wilderness alone. Please stick around...

Sometimes "rants" are perfectly appropriate. If there is one community that really has no business trying to stifle diversity of opinion, it would be this group here. So many members of this community have expressed their times of pain, of being bullied, of wives or girlfriends who couldn't accept them, of losses, of frustration, of anger, of fear, of loss. This is not really the best place to tout right wing fundamentalist "traditional values" and "traditional gender roles".


Do you ever wonder why you’re here? Or why you’re STILL here? What’s it all about, darling? :idontknow:

Some of it is payback. So many people in my own life were so supportive when I most needed it, and there were so many others who were cruel and terrifying. Others shared their experience and it gave me hope at a time that I was ready to let go. If I can help someone else get through those uncomfortable feelings and get to a point where they can make an informed choice and deal with the consequences and have the freedom to really love their lives, then I should stay around.


Oh, one more piece of advice – if you write something more than one paragraph in length, please don’t bother “warning” me about a LONG post! Haven’t you seen any of my things?
:eek:

Have you seen some of my posts? :-D