The Buzz is Gone

[Foxglove]

I grow old, I grow old
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled. . .

Or something like that. When Philip Marlowe (Raymond Chandler’s detective) was asked what he thought those lines meant, he replied, “Nothing at all.” I’m inclined to agree with him. In any case, I’m not so old yet. And in any case, I don’t want to wear trousers, either. So forget that.

And yet things are different from the old days. I remember the buzz of excitement long ago in my early adolescence when I was embarking on my journey of self-discovery—or rather the discovery of the mystery and beauty of feminine attire. I wasn’t thinking at all about my self in those days—or for many years thereafter. I was just blindly doing what was so sweet to me.

And now the buzz is gone. I know that a lot of the girls still get a real buzz whenever they dress, but it’s not like that for me any more. So many years I went without dressing at all, thinking that that was all behind me, a completed chapter of my sorry past. As was to be expected, I was wrong about that. But now that I’m back into it, it’s not the same. The buzz is gone.

So why dress at all if the buzz is gone, you ask? Because it’s more beautiful now than it ever was before. Lately I’ve had a lot of girly time, a number of days I call “Annabelle Day”, when I get up in the morning and get dressed and spend the whole day and evening without wearing a stitch of male clothing. And it’s beautiful.

Getting dressed is routine—no excitement, no thrill, no different from getting into drab in the days when I thought drab might be what suited me. So how can it be beautiful? Because it simply feels like me. It feels like at long last, after all my wanderings and hesitations and painful and fruitless detours, at long last I’ve come home.

I’ve been asking myself, Am I even a crossdresser? And I can hear the world chortling in derision. “Will you not take a look in the mirror, you silly girl/boy? What by the beard of Jove do you think you are?”

A part of me knows they’re right. Yet another part of me, a part that is now bigger and richer than it used to be, is hurt and baffled. “How can they be getting it so wrong? Crossdresser? What line have I crossed? I’m just here, where I should always have been, going nowhere, taking up my station where I always should have. What I wear is appropriate to my station, my nature, my heart—whatever you want to call it. I embrace it because it is my self, the self I never wanted to consider for so many years. So in what way am I doing wrong, how am I doing anything laughable? Am I really crossdressing? They may say so, but it doesn’t feel that way to me.”

Some girls have their fantasies of really doing themselves up for a special evening. That would be fun for me, yes, but it isn’t my fantasy. What I fantasize about is quiet, steady, placid, enduring, that deep satisfaction I now feel, those little moments that you string together to make a lifetime. I fantasize about what I now have. Long may it continue.

The buzz is gone. Do I miss it? No. What I now have I find more beautiful.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[sterling12]

Eloquently put, Annabelle. By the way, it's called being transgendered; if we use the older definition. You have now discovered "The Woman inside yourself."

She's obviously happy, it's just too bad that others haven't as yet discovered that wonderful place.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Holly]

Annabelle, your eloquence is stunning. I could have written the same thoughts but you expressed them so beautifully. Life seems "normal" (whatever the heck that means) and terribly more fulfilling. Things just seem right now. Perhaps the buzz is the excitement in knowing we are getting closer the the truth about ourselves? The buzz may be gone but contentment has replaced it.

[Sallee]

Annabella, very nice I understand completely. It is to bad the buzz is gone I find if I spent lots of time enfemme I to loss the buzz but if I keep it in check and only dress occasionally the buz remains.
I am looking for the happy medium. Happy your happy
Enjoy

[Foxglove]

By the way, it's called being transgendered; if we use the older definition. You have now discovered "The Woman inside yourself."

Peace and Love, Joanie

Thanks, Joanie. I haven't been sure up to now what it was. I'm in unfamiliar territory now, but I'm enjoying the exploring.


Life seems "normal" (whatever the heck that means) and terribly more fulfilling.

That's just it: it seems normal. It's why it mystifies me in a way that anyone should disapprove of what I'm doing. And yes, it's certainly more fulfilling.

Thanks to all three of you.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[KellyJameson]

Beautiful words of not being a crossdresser but just being, that is when the true possibilities of life make themselves known because than it becomes intimately personal and this is where all true beauty lives.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Sounds too familar! I am myself 15 hours a day for 5 days then 24 hours for 2 days. And I am out to friends and people I deal with regular. And I can get stuff done now when dressed!

It is WONDERFUL!!!!

Em

[Foxglove]

. . . that is when the true possibilities of life make themselves known . . .



It is WONDERFUL!!!!
Em

Yes, this is what I'm looking for and looking forward to now. It makes you feel hope.

Annabelle

[Michaela51]

Mr. Prufrock would concur...

[NathalieX66]

Annabelle, great post! I feel the same way.
This side of me is too much a part of me that I don't think about the thrill aspect. It may have started out that way at once, but my crossdressing goes back to the days of early childhood. For me, Nathalie is a social creature....as an existential being. Getting out my front door, meeting others, and being a girl in the world has been so much more fun and fulfilling.
Nowadays I deal with how I manage being an 'out of the closet CD/TG'.

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Annabelle I think what you are describing is feeling "comfortable" a bit like when the intense and passionate "thrill" of a new love starts to quieten and you settle into a comfortable and loving relationship.

It sounds to me as though you are comfortable with who you are and where you are at - you just feel 'right'

[Foxglove]

Annabelle I think what you are describing is feeling "comfortable" a bit like when the intense and passionate "thrill" of a new love starts to quieten and you settle into a comfortable and loving relationship.

Yes, well I don't know anything about that. I know about the "passionate thrill of a new love starts to quieten" part. But the settling "into a comfortable and loving relationship" is something that I've missed out on. Sorry.


It sounds to me as though you are comfortable with who you are and where you are at - you just feel 'right'

But yes, I know a little something about this. Or maybe that's what I'm in the process of learning.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Yes, well I don't know anything about that. I know about the "passionate thrill of a new love starts to quieten" part. But the settling "into a comfortable and loving relationship" is something that I've missed out on. Sorry.


sorry to hear that Annabelle - but while there's breath in your body there's still hope!

[Foxglove]

sorry to hear that Annabelle - but while there's breath in your body there's still hope!

You're right. As the great man said, "You thought that it could never happen to all the people you became. . ."

[rita63]

Like most I can remember the buzz, and the years of hiding and purging and marriage and family. Now that I am able to enjoy rita days and start a wardrobe I feel just like me, no buzz. And right now "me" is lusting after a pair of good fitting girl jeans. I keep studying women in the street and I notice a lot of trousers rolled at the bottom. Another 3 months and peaches will be available fresh just for me. Now I can dare.

[KimberlyJean]

I was asking myself earlier this week why would I want to do the same things I always do except dressed and couldn't really put my finger on it. I think this answers that question, it just feels right and comfortable. I know I like shopping much better enfemme, but a couple of weeks ago I did some routine things around the house and forgot that I was dressed and that felt good.

[docrobbysherry]

Maybe I'm a little jealous, Annabelle! I still get the BUZZ even tho I'm over 60. However, I started dressing quite late in life.

When I stated dressing, I'd often just throw on some nylons or a bra and forms for the evening. But, over the years it's become all or nothing for me! Maybe because that's what it takes now for me to get the BUZZ?

I welcome the day when simply throwing on a few girlie things to relax will be enuff again. Maybe when I'm REALLY OLD I'll lose the BUZZ and that will happen? Maybe in my 70's? 80's? Gasp, 90's?

[Ally 2112]

I have not quite lost the buzz but it has just gotten to a comfortable feelling that i enjoy

[sissystephanie]

At age 79(very soon to be 80) I am one of the older CD's on this forum. I started wearing my older sisters panties when I was 6 y/o and have been dressing ever since. The "buzz", if there ever was one, wore off long ago but the pleasure gets better every day. I dress every day for at least part of the day, and many times for all day. I have no desire to become a woman, but I sure like to wear their clothes! My late wife knew that, and fully accepted my desire. We went out many time as 2 ladies!

Annabelle, my wife and I had almost 50 years of happiness together! That is with me, my alter ego Stephanie, and my dear wife!! She told me me that she loved Stephanie almost as much as she loved me!

[Frédérique]

The buzz is gone. Do I miss it? No. What I now have I find more beautiful.

I get a “buzz” quite often, but it has nothing to do with crossdressing! :eek:

That being said, diminishing time seems to make everything more beautiful, and more precious, so my initial euphoria about crossdressing has simply been incorporated into some kind of space/time continuum, impossible to explain but easy to enjoy. To this day, if I’m lying in bed, unable to stir from my semi-depressive state, I suddenly realize that I can put on THAT skirt, or THAT dress, and dispel the torpor that imprisons me. It never gets old, and it never gets routine, or not worth doing, but I go to great lengths to keep it that way. I found this special place, this special garden, and I keep it cultivated at all costs – this may explain why I’m here, tending to my flowers…
:battingeyelashes:

It’s a Raymond Chandler evening
And the pavements are all wet
And I’m lurking in the shadows
‘Cause it hasn’t happened yet
(Robyn Hitchcock)

[JamieTG]

I'm sure most if not all of us that were dressing during adolescent got some sexual kick out of it. Back then my dressing was more fetish oriented toward certain articles of clothing but I was still masculine. Now that I'm closing in on 60 it doesn't cause the heart pounding thrill that it used to. Now I feel feminine on the inside and wearing the clothes just feels natural and relaxing.

[Foxglove]

Hi, Jamie! What you're saying here is pretty much the way things have been for me.

(Although, if you'll excuse me, I have to say that looking at your avatar is something of a "heart-pounding thrill". Really lovely.)

Annabelle

[Foxglove]

I think I should have embraced my dressing a long time ago. I know I went through a long, negative period in my life where everything and everyone was stupid. Personally, I think I was secretly mad that my feminine side was suppressed, and it festered inside of me.

This is true of me, too. I think perhaps a lot of people would say it's true of them.

[StarrOfDelite]

[I][B]I grow old, I grow old
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled. . .

Or something like that. When Philip Marlowe (Raymond Chandler’s detective) was asked what he thought those lines meant, he replied, “Nothing at all.” I’m inclined to agree with him. In any case, I’m not so old yet. And in any case, I don’t want to wear trousers, either. So forget that.



A stupendously great post, quoting both T.S. Eliot and Raymond Chandler! However, remember that when Howard Hawks, who directed the movie, couldn't figure out who killed the Sternwood's chauffer in The Big Sleep he asked Chandler for the answer and the writer replied that he had no idea. So, quoting Chandler speaking as Marlowe isn't like exactly like tapping into the combined knowledge of Einstein, Hubblle and Hawking.

[Cynthia Anne]

A beautiful peice of art work indeed! Every time I think I'm losing the buzz I go out like this past Saterday and get rebuzzed!:drink::drink::heehee: Hugs!

[Barbara Ella]

Yes, there are times for everything. I did not get the buzz that a young crossdresser might experience as i began late, and it probably was fleeting, so I cannot miss it or even realize it is gone. I am comfortable in my dressing and recognition of my female side. i am free to wear or not wear feminine clothing. With time I will become at ease with the day to day performance of my duties while en femme. I am young and unsure of myself, even though I know who I am. We have only recently been introduced, and I am getting to know my new friend, and the buzz is gone.

Barbara

[Foxglove]

Thanks to everyone for their contributions here (and to the ones who posted while I was getting my beauty sleep). It's one of the good things about this forum--that whatever your experience, others can relate to it. To buzz or not to buzz, that was the question. People have answered it differently, but we all know what we're on about.

Best wishes, Annabelle