View Full Version : Questions & Thoughts

11-06-2005, 05:32 PM
How do you know what the line is between TV/TG/CD and wanting to actually be the opposite sex. :confused:

I discovered recentley how much I wanted to dress feminin when I gave into the temptation that id been.. urrm.. ignoring? for a long time. I have been struggling with a question of what I actually want, and sometimes i dont feel like its enough.

Beyond any 'sexual' effect it may have, I found that I enjoyed wearing the clothes a lot more once id gotten 'that' out of the way. Then i start feeling like what i have 'down there' shouldnt be... or rather i dont want it to be.. :confused:

I have read a lot of sites and searched a lot about the subject of Transexual/Crossdresser and im finding it hard to come to any real conclusion. A post that i read in the MtF section the otherday really hit something when someone stated that they felt they were a male Lesbian. Ive felt that often but the idea seemed so silly that i dismissed it. What i mean by that is for instance, I don't ever imagine myself as a Guy with a women, I imagine myself as a women with a women. I can't really picture myself in a male role with a girl... I prefer to see myself in the same role.

The fact that i like girls, surley means i wouldnt want to be a 'girl' because people who want to transition feel they are female, and females like men. I want to know what the right reasons are (ive looked), but then are there really any 'right reasons' ? I mean if its something someone wants does their have to be a specific reason that everyone has to have to make it 'ok' ?

All i know is at the moment, I wish i could dress more, wear makeup (I cant do this without it being apparent to the people around me). I wish i could act like i wanted to act and i wish that i could discuss this with someone closer to me to sort of gage a reaction, but then its too late if the reaction is bad. I just don't know if im ready to face the kinda opposition this choice would bring -- also that it could make things a lot worse than better (between Family ect). Im also afraid that it may become too late for me to do anything if i keep putting it off, and that also 'doing nothing' could be a poor choice too.

I was looking at the things involved with people transitioning and the cost is scary. I don't think id be able to afford the SRS, and unless i can get HRT through the public healthcare service that wouldnt be an option either. With that, not being able to undergo SRS would leave me as a cross between a guy and a girl. I wouldnt 'go' with either catogory fully. There is also the question of relationships, not just with Family that might not like the idea of losing a son and gaining another daughter as it were but where exactley would i fit with relationships.

Even with SRS, If im going to be looking at other girls still that means id have to find more open minded girls (read lesbians) but they more than likley would not be interested because im not 'really' a girl -- Especially without SRS id imagine thats even worse. I don't like guys so that wont work and to straight girls i wouldnt be enough of a guy for them to be interested in either.

I keep reading about how these Male > Female transitions are not miricles and that guys will still look like guys more or less. The ones that do look passable are usually just as passable before any hormones or surgery...

The choices seem pretty grim to me. I can stay like i am now, maybe that will be enough :confused:.... or maybe it really wont and ill spend a lot of time wishing id done something. Or i could make that leap and try and go down this road and put lots of things at risk, not be able to afford to transition 'fully' anyway and cut myself off from most types of relationships...

I was hoping some MtF transexuals would drop me a message, to let me know what they have gone through and how they felt. Maybe i am just confused and i really dont want to transition but.. *sigh*

11-06-2005, 06:01 PM
Hey, Robert...
Do yourself a favour and don't get caught up in any of that 'supposed to be...' nonsense. The only thing you are supposed to be is you!

I myself am one of those who doesn't fit in any of the common categories. I live in the middle of the two genders, I wear girly clothes and makeup when I can, and I have always identified with girls - I'm gonna start on hormones soon, but I'm personally quite happy to keep my genitals intact. And, as I've learned in the last year or so, there are others like me, who don't want to be manly but also don't have any sexual / romantic interest in men. It is not necessary to fully transition to become very feminine; some pre-op TSes are quite beautiful without any surgery whatsoever...

This Wiki entry (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genderqueer) is a pretty good starting point for exploring the gender thing...

That said, where you finally decide that you belong on the gender spectrum should be determined by you, not others - or their expectations of you. I don't mean that considerations of family and such shouldn't enter into it, but it's still your life and the one person whose opinion you owe the most consideration to is you.

Oh, and do get your eyes off the calendar; you have the luxury of plenty of time to work it out. :)

11-06-2005, 06:38 PM
I think that this message board and others like it on the internet offer a lot of support, as can family and friends, but I'm still a strong proponent of therapy, hopefully with someone who has experience in gender issues. It's best to figure out how you feel before you move from there. The state can pay for it, too ;).

The line between cd/tv/ts is something I'd talk to a therapist about. It's entirely personal, and I think that's a good question to answer for yourself. This was posted a few threads down on this forum: http://www.symposion.com/ijt/benjamin/chap_02table.htm. It's worth a look, but don't feel confined.

Gender and sexual identities don't have to be linked. Ts represent a wide range of sexualities. Liking girls doesn't mean you're not ts.

Some say that transition isn't a choice at all. That the right reason is that you're correcting a mistake of God/nature to align your physiology with the gender your mind/soul perceives. Other ts list other reasons, and I think there are many good reasons.

It's easy to underestimate how much it could suck to transition. You can lose it all. I'd venture that there's more to lose by transitioning when you shouldn't than allowing a bit more time to figure out how you feel.

Individually, things like hormones and finding your voice aren't very expensive, but cumulatively and with surgery, it ends up costing a small fortune. A few countries help out with the cost, while most don't, and few insurance plans will help.

Some things can't be changed, others can. Your skeletal structure is the way it is, with the exception of facial surgery (FFS). On the other hand, you can get some of the soft tissue stuff GGs have. I think the majority pass after enough time for both socialization and physical changes to take place.

Bottom line, like you said, there is a lot to lose. It's something to do if it's something you feel you need to do. But, my best advice is to talk with someone who has professional experience to figure out "you" before doing anything permanent :).

Edit>> Also check out websites like www.tsroadmap.com.

Lauren sparked another thought... being ts doesn't mean getting surgery. Some ts simply identify and live as women, to the other end of the spectrum where some have multiple surgeries.

11-06-2005, 06:42 PM
Hello Robert,

I don't quite fit the catagory of transexual, although I closely identify with that label although medical literature does not define we as that. The reason I say that is because I am intersexed, a hermathodite according to doctors and I have neither sex, although I am choosing to be female, assigned the wrong gender at birth (male vs female).

Let me first say that there is no two transexuals that are exactly the same or on the same spectra as me or you. It is not true that only "true" TS people are heterosexual in their new gender role. Just because I current love men and only "like, i.e. as friends" with girls make me more of a girl than you... nope. Sure in my case I will one day be viewed as heterosexual by society but does that mean if you are homosexual or a "female lesbian" that you are not TS? ...

Sexual orientation and brain gender are two different things entirely. Now it is true that many "severe transexuals" like myself are attracted to men, we were never men after all, at least that is how I feel, I am not becoming a girl, I am one. Some though may have less TS tendencies than others but that does not change things. Even I can remember becoming aroused on one ocassion or another (maybe 5 to 10 times) over a item of clothing. Mainly though it was linked to another fantisy, but we will leave that to the adult forum. I believe as gender and brain sex is in your head so is sexual arrousial.

There is two different attitudes in my in regards to wear woman clothing. I can make it as erotic as I want, just like I could with mens clothing. It I just put on a skirt, some shoes and a blouse, lite makeup and go to the store as normal I am just acting as a girl, nothing more or nothing less. If I get in high heels and a short skirt sure there may be arrousal... not from the clothing but from the other throughts... mainly acting as a woman with a guy... **** you get the hint.

If you think the costs of transistioning are scary look at my situation, in school, minimal parental support, college loans, credit card loans, etc. I am worried about transistioning because I can not afford FFS, although many people think I pass alright now without hormones, etc. See the photo at the end of the thread.

As for the whole... guys still look like guys, etc, which for some that is true, a TS person is not a guy, but a girl with a bad birth defect (XY), and by transistioning they are girls, no matter how they look on the outside. I have come to accept that in myself being 6'6" tall makes it a little hard to pass... but who cares... I certainly do not.

Only YOU can determine if this is what you want to do. For years I said... well if I can live androgiously I can survive but 4 suicide tries later I have decided no this is not the case. Let me say if you can live as a guy then for all means do it... it is sure alot easier, but after some time with a therapist you have to decide for yourself.

23 year old MTF begining transistion...



Julie NY just brought up another good point... being TS does not mean fully transistioning, some people are happy just taking female hormone, some going part time, etc. In my case I am 100% not functional as a guy and that is one of the reasons that I am driven more to SRS than maybe other people.

11-07-2005, 05:52 PM
Thankyou for the responses.

The problem i see is that if i didnt have SRS and i was taking the hormones and living as 'a women' that it would limit relationships quite a bit. I'd imagine its hard to blend in and integrate into that role when you have.. well male parts to remind you your different. As i said relationships (if i managed any) would be difficult, i cant even say 'I used to be a guy but im now a women' because i wouldnt have lost all the male equipment.

£12,000 was what i saw as a price. :eek:

I did a little personal experiment tonight -- I made sure anything on the 'sexual' level was out of the way (urm you know what i mean -- sorry but it was a vital part of the experiment :P) and then i dressed. I wanted to see how i felt without all those male hormones swimming round in there for a bit. I was also trying to think... do i feel like a girl or do i feel like im a guy.. it didnt work i couldnt decide. Also wearing clothes without that is no less comfortable -- infact I had more feelings that i wish i didnt have what i have 'down there'. It kinda turns me off thinking about it. :confused:

I would be interested in seeing a therapist about it but i dont see how i could without tipping my hand to the people around me. Also discussing such a personal thing with a complete stranger face-to-face seems so scary.

I just feel really bad at the moment for thinking stuff like this, and i know its probably going to cause some upset to the people around me. I have been thinking about talking to my mother -- since she has been noticing things latley (like the nail varnish remover being left out, me covering up my feet often -- due to nail varnish id rather not keep applying -- and also i think she has caught me at least once wearing it while i was barefoot). But i dont know, it would put her in a bad position then because she would know and my dad wouldnt... also im scared what she will think. I mean i dont know what to think most of the time, so how can i explain it to someone else.... :(

I'll keep researching.


Well that was depressing. Researching just made me quite upset, basically saying that transition is a bloody nightmare more or less, costs a fortune and is difficult for people to finally 'pass'. It said a lot more but i was hoping for something a little more positive.

The best solution seems to be to goto ebay, buy some really heavy ornaments. Put them in my pockets, then jump in the canal. :mad:

11-07-2005, 11:10 PM
The best solution seems to be to goto ebay, buy some really heavy ornaments. Put them in my pockets, then jump in the canal. :mad:

I doubt dead people transition well, or are very happy.

Honestly, though, this isn't the right thinking. Therapy is the heeze. It's nice to have someone to talk with, and believe me, they've heard it all before, especially in regard to your situation if they have experience in gender issues. As it's covered by your country's health program, your family wouldn't have to be involved, and it's confidential.

Transitioning and passing are personal things. Some will, some won't. Some will gain much from hormones, some will find very little gain. It's hard to answer, and something you have to think about personally. I wouldn't want to pass as a girl and transition, I'd transition and hope to pass. Priorities.

Passing has as much to do with socialization as it does with physical changes. Both take time. Give yourself enough, and it may work out. And, again, for some it may never. It can be painted as a hell, but it's very possible!

Transition doesn't have to be depressing. Set realistic goals and be sure that it's what you want. You may not be a supermodel, but you could end up pretty and passable. I'm not sure how much more we have a right to ask for. There are a lot of sisters out there to help you along the way if you decide this is right for you.

BTW, I was reading a post on another forum that stated that the UK covered her SRS surgery. If so, that's a nice way to save a bit of money, assuming you want to have your surgery within the country. The more famous surgeons aren't there, but that's an option is money is tight.

Don't lose hope. Do your research, do some journaling, see a therapist, and give yourself time to work out what you want to do. And, forget the ornaments. Girl or boy on the inside, you have to find the strength in yourself to follow through and smile along the way. Be happy.

11-08-2005, 12:08 AM

Well said, as I have realized this week suicide is NOT the answer as is anything else you may be contimplating. Look at me, I am 6'6", large frame, and although I have alot going through me (i.e. no male puberity, child like complection, etc, and facially I can almost pass now with out hormones) but there are things that are not going to be easy. I worry about my voice and know because of my unusual circumstance with a different voice box I almost have to have voice surgery to vocally pass. That though is not stopping me from moving forward.

My therapist today said...

All tranperople have a long laundry list, but as time goes on these things just tend to go away on their own... it is about self acceptance and seeing the person come outside of yourself.

While in my case SRS is an important part of transisiton it is by far not the most important thing, actually one of the least important. I don't mind waiting 5 or more years for it, for me becoming the person in the photographs above is a much larger goal... and one I intend to reach.

Hang in there... it gets better


11-08-2005, 06:22 PM
You are right, filling my pockets with heavy ornaments and jumping in the canal isnt the right kind of thinking. I should use bricks instead!

Joke... joke... :) No but im always telling (well when the situation arises) that suicide isnt a good option for anything. But im feeling so fed up you know, making choices that might ruin my life sorta thing is a bit too much to think about -- I suffer from OCD too and im seeing a therapist about that..

My brain is faulty! If body parts had warrentys mine would have been returned for a refund long ago.

Anyhow...relationships with people would be something important that i feel i could risk losing for life, if i 'transition' and don't pass then ill find it hard to fit in with either gender and i will prolly end up a single transexual for the rest of my life too. Worst case, single with no 'friends' because i dont fit properly.

I don't think I would want to live as a women, if i did not look like one to other people too. I would need to look like i feel to be completley happy, or it would be enough to just dress as i am now?

I'm just trying to decide if i should sit on this for a while more, and keep thinking, or just try and discuss it with at least one member of my family. Trouble is that then they would be in an awkward position, knowing something other family members dont know (something important) which wouldnt be that fair. I don't want to announce this and then realise it was all a horrible mistake -- but i dont think there is much more i can do alone hmm.

I have thought about dumping my stuff and trying to live without it. I did before, maybe i can again. It's just i really only felt happy with myself when im dressed as a female - i never experienced that dressed as a guy. Infact i couldnt care less about clothes for guys, i just wear whatever -- but with female clothes ive enjoyed shopping and choosing styles.

I dunno, if i did tell someone and they take it badley i can't "take it back" and im stuck with it. I live at home incidentally... which makes the situation a little more dangerious. What if they take it REALLY badly. I can safley say i couldnt afford to support myself right now. :( This sucks.

Kim E
11-08-2005, 08:11 PM
Hi Robert ~
Its hard to hear talk of suicide even in a joking way. Suicide is nothing more than a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know, because as a teenager I entertained many suicidal thoughts because of my gender identity. Many years have passed and I look back and am thankful I never took that route.

I can't give you any better advice than Julie or Mandy. Don't be in a rush to make life changing decisions. Go slow. You really should talk with a gender therapist I think it would be a benefit to you. Transition for many TG/TS is a process that's measured in years, not in weeks or months. Go slow and weigh every decision based on its merits, not only for today but for how you might feel 10 or 20 years down the road. Forget the labels and what people say, choose the parts of transition you can deal with and reject the ones you can't live with. A wrong decision can be worst than no decision at all.

Hugs ~ Kim

11-09-2005, 02:24 AM
I used to worry about passing (some here say I dont have to worry, but I like the critical questions from friends who are female on the subject), I don't now. I am transistioning for other people but for myself, and if they don't accept me, f them, plain and simple. I tell everyone I come out to that I am the same person whether I wear makeup, long hair and a skirt or short hair, polo shirt and pants. Remember only one part of you changes, you are not a different person.

Don't rush, take your time, life is long (despite what people think) and you have time. If you think you can be satisified by casual crossdressing than do that. If you try and put this all out of your mind one thing will happen.. you will go right back one day, worse off than you are now.

There are many options to transistion, choose the one you can live with the rest of your life.

Good Luck