Being asked a certain question!

[StacieJayne]

Hi all, I just wanted to ask members if they have been asked this question, whilst on their way to transition. The question that I have been asked on numerous occasions is, " As a TS, do you want to sleep with men?" Myself at this moment in time, I do not want to sleep with men or to be honest women. I have enough going on in my life without complicating matters. Like I said, I have been asked this on numerous occasions and it feels like most people think that because I am becoming a more complete woman, I must want to sleep with men. I am very interested to know if anybody else has been asked this.

[Raquel June]

I don't think anybody has ever asked me that. I don't think it's really come up except maybe in a support group or therapy session. It's a pretty inappropriate question to ask in most contexts.

I've had plenty guys hit on me and assume I want to be with men. And I've had some women get a little awkward (as they would when they found out their new friend had lesbian tendencies). But nobody ever comes right out and asks unless you're already having some sort of heavy in-depth discussion about personal issues.

[Nigella]

Never been asked this, mind you most of those that know me also know that I am very happily married to Sandra. There have been lots of personal type questions and I am open and totally honest in my replies, that is unless they get too personal

[Julia_in_Pa]

Hi Stacie,

I've been living full time for over five years and because of that I've been asked every question in the book and some that aren't in the book.
I'm very direct by answering anyone's question that isn't directed at me as a form of hate or bigotry.
My answer to what you have been asked has been asked of me and my reply is yes I've slept with men and women.
I used men for sex and women for a serious loving relationship.
There you go. :)


Julia

[Cheryl T]

Just tell them.... I've slept with both, but I'm not going to say if we had sex or not....LOL

[STACY B]

Oh god I thought that was the standard question ? Or are you gay ? Do you want to go all the way ? Hell what the hell do I look like a dam fortune teller ? How bout ask them some personal things as well ? Do you get off everytime you and your mate do it ? How do you do it ? What time an where ? How bout that ,,Just seems like they all think when your different or trans they can ask all kinds of stuff for free . What about do you wear makeup or girls shoes to ,, Naaaa just the clothes wouldn't want to call attention to myself .

[Jorja]

Yes, I have been asked that question a million times. My answer is always the same. A lady does not kiss and tell.

[Aprilrain]

you mean there are woman who don't want to sleep with men :confused:

[Empress Lainie]

I believe the first question we are (most of us anyway!) are asked when we reveal our transition is: ARE YOU GAY? I even got that from my son.
I had someone recently ask if I had a boyfriend. I replied, well I'm 77 and a man would have to be 80 to 85, and they are all dead or dying. So I have girlfriends. Then believe or not yesterday I met a healthy vibrant handsome 83 yr old man who first spoke to me!

But I'm committed for life to my Cynthia in our platonic relationship, and then Kathy is in love with me, and Laura also loves me, so I have no lack except for finances to support them all, in one domicile.

[Rianna Humble]

I've heard that question asked in a non-confrontational manner and have also heard the underlying assumption voiced by a good friend.

As false premises go, it is at least fairly logical - a majority of women want to sleep with men, we (MtF) are women, so ..."

I on the other hand have always been a Menschevist so don't tend to go along with the majority opinion simply because it is that of the majority. Which is quite an interesting premise for a politician who believes in democracy :eek:

[Bree-asaurus]

Never been asked that... but that's probably because I already came out as 'gay' before coming out as trans. So everyone already knew I liked men.

[Badtranny]

Hmmmm, I think people just assume correctly that I love men exclusively.

In fact, no one has ever suggested otherwise.

[RachelOKC]

" As a TS, do you want to sleep with men?"

I've been asked and I've volunteered it when it's been contextual. I think asking about sexual orientation isn't nearly as intrusive as asking about the status of one's genitals which is probably even more common. "Have you / will you have ***THE SURGERY***????" Dah, Dum, DUMMMMMMM! Sorry, overly dramatic?

Anyhoo, I'm bi. I've been with boys, I've been with girls. Big deal.

[Kristy_K]

you mean there are woman who don't want to sleep with men :confused:

Does that mean you have never heard of lesbians???

In the beginning of my transition I was asked that question a few times by my friends.

[arbon]

I've been asked if I like men quite a few times - it's really rather annoying! I used to tell them simply that I am in love with my wife and leave it at that. Which is the truth. I did not want to get into this dialog of explaining myself to them - oh yes I am sexually attracted to men but I am still married and in love my wife, its just a non sexual relationship but we are happy together... way to complicated.

But I don't like answering the question at all anymore, I don't go around asking people which sex they like and I feel like the question is inappropriate to ask someone.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Well being I S does sort of get me a bit so yes iv been asked because im well known around our Village one of our four young lads asked if i had a boy friend this was on saturday just gone . & we had a nice talk , for myself this is pretty good because tho he was a bit shy he did ask after a few moments, plus other ?'s . & iv told them they can ask any ?'s they like,

My answer is allways the same ....no....have not will not & never wont to. & to be quite honist I could not stand haveing a male around myself & i would not have a male telling me what to do. im to strong a woman for that. so its a very strong ....NO....

...noeleena...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

One little talked about issue we all face is how we are "dehumanized" by people. They will touch your breasts and ask if they are real, they will say things like 'are you cutting if off? and of course will you "do guys"...

IMHO its another example of how our situation is totally incomprehensible to them..we all know how incredibly deep the the feeling of gender really is...without thinking of it, so do they...gender just is, and its immutable
We've all lived through how difficult it is even for the most supportive people to 100% get our genders right..its not their fault.. we are literally outside of human internal understanding, and so among other things, we are de humanized.... and the things they CAN understand...balls, penises, boobs, sex, and the dreaded "transformation" all hold deep fascination for cisgender people

i don't think there is really a whole heck of alot we can do about it...its not an education thing.

[Frances]

I don't think there is really a whole heck of a lot we can do about it... its not an education thing.

It looks like that more and more to me as well. A big local paper ran an article recently on government-funded SRS and the comments on the Web site version of the article were incredibly disparaging. I have talked to groups at universities who were interested in the subject, but there is no point in trying to be a positive example to the masses, like in parades, on TV, etc., in my opinion. It's like describing stereo to a person who is deaf in one ear since birth.

Things will get better when things change from the top on down, like the a federal protection act, the AMA and APA saying we are not crazy and that there is a biological connection, the removal of transsexuality from the DSM, etc.

[elizabethamy]

We must be gay, we must be nuts, we just want to make a spectacle out of ourselves by going out and looking ridiculous, we must be genitally obsessed/are we really going to have surgery?

That's what it seems to boil down to for most people. The implication being, of course, that GID/transgender/transsexuality is some kind of spectacularly weird choice that we make for God knows what reason.

Frances, you are so right. As much as I hate the whole concept of top-down solutions to grass-roots problems, the "authorities" are going to have to assure the people that we are not crazy, that we are not doing this as a new hobby instead of race cars or gardening...that we have to do it to align ourselves with who we are.

Until that day comes, almost no one is going to get it. Except here.

[Badtranny]

We must be gay, we must be nuts, we just want to make a spectacle out of ourselves by going out and looking ridiculous, we must be genitally obsessed/are we really going to have surgery?

The answer is to make a positive impact on the people you meet day to day. The pride parades with the Drag Queens and Cross Dressers in garish outfits are merely an opportunity for dialogue. Every bad example or unfortunate story that pops up on my FB newsfeed usually prompts a question from one of the people I interact with on a daily basis. (most of my FB friends are actual real life friends) I don't waste time bemoaning the people who "make us look bad", I spend my time being the best representative that I can be. Just a regular person who happens to be trans. Kait is absolutely right, CIS people have no point of reference for gender discordance. What we are doing is fascinating to them because they can't find anyway to process it. Every guy who heard about my orchiectomy did the predictable wincing leg cross. It was funny because it happened every single time. How could these guys possibly understand why I would want to do such a thing? We should never expect them to understand. The best we can do is be the best people we can be. Don't begrudge their curiosity no matter how ill mannered it may manifest. Be thankful for the opportunity to educate them and hopefully send one more person back to their lives a little less ignorant and a little less likely to hate.

[Aprilrain]

Does that mean you have never heard of lesbians???
.

I was kidding.................

[Traci Elizabeth]

I have never been asked that. Had I been, my response would have been, "Your question is way too personal."

Why is it that most people feel compelled to answer any question asked of them? It's the same thing if someone rings the door - who on earth said you are REQUIRED to answer the door even if the person on the other side can see you? And who edict that we have to answer the telephone or cell phone?

I guess you can tell I am a private person - always have been and make NO excuses for it. It my right!

[Jorja]

I have never been asked that. Had I been, my response would have been, "Your question is way too personal."

Why is it that most people feel compelled to answer any question asked of them? It's the same thing if someone rings the door - who on earth said you are REQUIRED to answer the door even if the person on the other side can see you? And who edict that we have to answer the telephone or cell phone?

I guess you can tell I am a private person - always have been and make NO excuses for it. It my right!

Gets out the Constitution and scans it to see if not answering the phone, not answering the door, and not answering questions are rights. :)

[Traci Elizabeth]

gets out the constitution and scans it to see if not answering the phone, not answering the door, and not answering questions are rights. :)


omg !

[Amber99]

I have definitely been asked this. The answer is "No way, gross. I only like girls." But that just confuses most people. They say "If you like girls why don't you just stay a man?" as if I were just doing all this to get laid. Give me a break. They really have no clue so I can't get mad at them, I just try to inform when I can.

"Are you gay?" is also a complex question. Yeah I'm gay because I like women but that's not what they are asking. I feel like I'm lying no matter what I say lol.

[Frances]

"Are you gay?" is also a complex question. Yeah I'm gay because I like women but that's not what they are asking. I feel like I'm lying no matter what I say lol.

A few years ago, I had a peri-anal abscess. This was right before going full-time. I went to see a general surgeon to get his opinion. The receptionist and the doctor were a little confused about my gender, so I told them about being trans and approaching full-time status. The doctor looked at my rear end and asked me if I was a homosexual or a heterosexual. I guessed what he was driving at and told him that orientation was not an absolute concept and that a reference point needed to be taken into account, i.e. the person's gender identity. Since I identified as a woman, would the words mean the same to him as they did to me? I said as much to him and asked him if his question was really: "did I get penetrated by penises or objects?" He said yes and I answered was no. Such conditions are common in people with office jobs. The abscess turned into a fistula and I needed surgery for it eventually.

Words matter and people often ask questions expecting an answer while using words that will point to another.

[Kathryn Martin]

I have never been asked this question, although plenty of people have come really close to asking it. What happens when they start to figure out Elizabeth and my sexual orientation, cocking their heard trying to figure it out and inevitably reach the point of embarrassment before they ask. It's lovely to watch.

My answer is always yes. I am a lesbian, I like boys, married to my wife whom I love, *shrug* go figure that out, uhhhmmmm sorry:straightface::battingeyelashes:

[Beth-Lock]

...there is no point in trying to be a positive example to the masses, like in parades, on TV, etc., in my opinion. It's like describing stereo to a person who is deaf in one ear since birth.

When I am asked to explain my transgenderism, or am asked an overly personal question about it, I do find it annoying. How I handle it, varies.

Since many were really surprised when I chose to live as a woman, I dealt with it, when I wrote my autobiography for a few relatives and a few trusted friends who might be interested. In that book, I spent a fair amount of space, tracing back the roots of my MTF gender change. It turned out that those closest to me, scorned it and refused to touch it, much less read it carefully, and some just failed to take me up on my offer to send them a copy. That does look to me, like Frances has a point. Ditto about people curious enough to ask such awkward questions, but who do not want to do a bit of research, reading up on it, on their own.

I was asked the question this thread concerns, by my new family doctor. It was put diplomatically though, something like, "Who do you like?" I took no offence. Your regular Doctor is entitled to ask personal questions, and will likely do it in a non-hostile way, though of course, some don't. There are turkeys in all professions, aren't there?

[Chickhe]

The best answer is...'that's a very interesting question, why are you asking?'...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The best answer is...'that's a very interesting question, why are you asking?'...

unfortunately you would not like most honest answers to this.

the problem isn't the question, its the total lack of empathy for us behind it.. ..snappy comebacks are a momentary comfort..they are like sending nasty dear john letters to an uncaring ex-boyfriend that dumped you..

[StacieJayne]

Sorry I haven't been about a lot lately, I have been in a bad depression :( and I seem to have started a thread of controversy...That's me all over..controversial LoL The reason I asked, was the other day, a chap I know asked me that question and it truly stumped me. I think he caught me when my mind was elsewhere, as I replied I do and I don't :) He then asked if I would sleep with him GOSH OMG. I really didn't know what to say to that as I am quite happy abstaining from the sins of the flesh so to speak, at the moment. Too many things in my head are not focused, so to get sexual is not at the top of my list of things to do right now LoL. Well I told him that I didn't want to, to which he replied that I was a time waster??? and a tease??? Well you can imagine how I responded...I flew right of the deep end at him, both barrels at once. Not a very lady like thing to do I must admit, but he accused ME of being a tease, when I hadn't even come on to him???? It makes me realise, that in being whom I want to be is never going to be easy and I must learn to read men much more closely. It's strange though, I have never been like that to a genetic woman, so why did he think he could be like that to me? Is society really that bad, when people can turn so nasty in the blink of an eye, over something that didn't even happen? I don't think that my body language was wrong, it might have been, but I don't think so. I am now very confused as to what I am saying, when I say one thing and get a really different reply. Very strange indeed. Just thought I would explain why I started the thread. Apologies again for not being around, but depression does get the better of me from time to time :(