Advice and Assistance Please

[Diane Douglas]

My SO knows of my dressing and she is not very happy about it. I dress on the few occassions when she is not around for a few hours.

In a few weeks, she will be out of town visiting a relative. The local group is having a shopping night and dinner. I would like to go to this event.

How do I broach this with her? Just going out is not an option, I will not sneak around to go out.

Any help on how to broach the subject is appreciated.

Thanks,
Diane

[Kate Simmons]

You need to decide just how important attending this event is to you and take it from there.:)

[Cheryl T]

Honesty is the best policy as they say.
Just be open about your feelings and open to hers...

[Jenniferathome]

Honesty is the best policy. "Honey, while you are away, I will be going to a local CD support group event. I just wanted you to know." she might even ask what the event is and you can have a conversation, or not.

[Janelle_C]

Honesty is the best policy as they say.
Just be open about your feelings and open to hers...
Honesty is the best policy talk to her from your heart. Let her know how important she is to you. Let her know that you are still the same person she fell in love with this is just part of that same person.

[jillleanne]

Honesty is the best policy. "Honey, while you are away, I will be going to a local CD support group event. I just wanted you to know." she might even ask what the event is and you can have a conversation, or not.

" ....and if you have any questions, I would be more than happy to answer them honestly for you. You know, this support group encourages the spouses and s/o's to participate also to assist them in accepting and understanding to strengthen their relationships with their spouses/s/o's, so if ever you would like to learn more, just let me know, ok? I wrote down the website so if you are interested, you can check it out? I have always loved the fact I can be open and honest with you about anything honey."

[Tina B.]

How unhappy is she about it, she may hate it even more if she thinks you are running around town in a dress while she is gone, women often figure husbands to misbehave when wife is not around, and she could see this as misbehaving. You know just like kids, "the mouse will play, when the cats away" I think I would be very careful how I tell her.
Tina B.

[sterling12]

Is there any chance that she could attend a meeting of this group BEFORE she goes out of town? It's been my experience with my Tri-Ess Group, that Wives and Partners need the reassurance of actually meeting The People involved.

Once she establishes in her mind that it's not going to be an Orgy, that the others involved are somewhat normal, then it becomes a non-problem. She is likely to say "Go ahead and have fun with your friends." In other words, she won't feel threatened!

Maybe you could introduce her to some of the other couples, if she can't attend an earlier meeting. Once she meets other Wives, she just might make a friendship or two. She might even get involved. This could be a very good opportunity for you!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Stephanie47]

Hi Diane, Tina is correct. Your wife may be tolerant of you dressing while she is not home. She may prefer you do not engage in being Diane, but, accept that level of cross dressing. I call that establishing mutual acceptable boundaries through silence; no screaming and yelling, no sit down negotiations. BUT, hey, honey, while you are gone I want to know if you are OK with me going out en femme? Not just driving around in the car or taking a walk at night, BUT, donning a dress, makeup and wig and having a sit down dinner with the 'girls' and going shopping at the mall? I suspect she'll not be thrilled at the prospect of you being identified in public, getting into an accident, going to the emergency room, dying on the freeway in a dress, running into her friends in the dressing room.

You really need to assess the fears of your wife. What happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas, BUT, what happens at the mall may not stay at the mall.

[Tatiana]

I guess you need to think about where your wife is on this. What is she thinking? What are her concerns? How long has she known? When I told my wife there was one main issue and that was the question of was I gay and did I want to become a woman full time. From my perspective I wasn't gay and I am happy being a guy in a dress. I explained this to her and pointed here in the direction of the internet so she could find out more. I also bought a couple of book for myself and her. It took a month before she was able to accept me for what I am but we did get there in the end.

In terms of going out dressed my wifes main worry is that I would get attacked as there is no way I could ever pass as a woman. However, other thoughts that may be in her mind are the embarressment of being with a cd'er. Certainly if she can't accept it how would she feel if you were to be outed by someone who recognised you and knew her.

There are lots of stories on the web about cd'ers and getting off with men. Has she accepted your views and acceptance or otherwise of this behaviour?

As others have said you really need to have a heart to heart with her about this and be totally honest. You are not going to be able to change - this is you, and she needs to accept and love you as you are.

Best wishes

tatiana xx

[Kerigirl2009]

I agree with being honest with our wives. However, I told my wife about my crossdressing on July 2nd 2009 and was hoping for a better reaction.
If I was to tell my wife "honey, while you are gone I will be going out as Keri with some of the girls that I chat with and we may end up at a mall shopping and eating out together". Sure she would say, "I guess you can go" of course it would be with zero happiness on her end. But she would let me go.
On the other side of the coin, this would be the ramifications of such a trip, The next time we had a disagreement it would ALL BE THROWN IN MY FACE, to make me feel bad. I know she hates it and I hate to be dishonest with her but I need to be happy too. So I tell her after the fact that I went out but only if she asks. I do not put it in her face so to say.
I really should be more open and tell her that I WANT TO GO OUT AND HAVE FRIENDS with similiar interests. I just believe this will be the straw that breaks the camels back. I know its not right but if I am totally honest with her, it will be the end of our marriage.
Its not what I want but I love her too much to put something that I know she does not really accept but tolerates it so far (maybe one day she will see that I am still the man she fell in love with but nearly three years later she still sees me as less of a man since I told her, and I hate that still.
It really changed how she feels about me and I hate that just as much as she hates Keri.

[Joanne f]

Your wife knows about the dressing so that is a help even though she is not happy about it , If she knows about you going to the local group then i would tell her what you have in mind while she is away but reassure her that you will only do it if she does not mind.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Diane, Just ask if she says no end of discusion.

[Debglam]

Hi Diane,

A lot of good advice here. Since she already knows about your dressing I also think you should just tell her that this is something you would like to do and ask her what she thinks. Hopefully that will open up a dialogue.

I'm guessing that you are referring to the upcoming Gems event? This is an extremely safe, low-key event that spouses are welcome to attend. (They get the discount too!) We will be the only customers in the store. Both the shopping and the dinner have been held several times before at these locations with no issues at all. If your wife has any concerns about the event itself you can let her know this.

Debby

[Marguarite]

Hi Diane, The first thing i'd say to you is have a plan.
Plan a time when you can have a relaxed, private conversation, without interruption .
Plan what you are going want to say, and think about her possible replies, and what you will need to say next.
Tell her how important this is for your happiness, and ask her what you can do to ally her fears and quell her anger.
Always stay calm, and think before you speak.
No matter what you think, this is a negotiation, and both of you must feel satisfied in the end. Good Luck

[Jacqueline Winona]

Hi Diane, Like Debbie, I was wondering if you're a Gem as well? This is tough for spouses, I haven't been to a Gems event but after meeting with many in Drab, chatting here and in person with some (only 1 in person), if you're wife needs assurances that Gems events are very safe, please show her some of these threads. Maybe she has some questions we can all answer if that would help.
If you don't want to try that, just tell her how much this means to you, how you will be among friends, and though nothing is guaranteed, this is likely to be one of the safest places you could ever dress outside of the home. Just reinforce the importance of this to you and how careful you will be, etc.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

My wife and I used to go to Triess meetings every month and then we stopped going together and I went for several more months by myself. I don't go to the meetings anylonger, I really think that I outgrew the need for them. It was very helpful while we did it and I fully recommend it to anyone just starting out. Now when I get a little restless for the fem mode my wife tells me "Sandra needs to go shopping" and so I do and quite often, LOL.

[Diane Douglas]

First, I would like to thank everyone that took the time to respond. Well, I had a chance to discuss this matter with her and she said "no, you know how I feel about this." Then she went on to say, " I will be out of town that weekend and you can do whatever you want". Yeah right, this is the type of thing Kerri mentioned.

Deb and Janice, yes I am a charter Lurker of the gems and I was hoping to make teh DressBarn event and Cindy's dinner Friday night. I have met Cindy S and Dianna in male form before, but that is the closest I have gotten to going out.

Thanks everyone for your wisdom and kind words.

[BillieJoEllen]

Years ago when my wife was more accepting she did not want me going out dressed. Sorry to say I did anyway. I'm glad trouble never really came my way back then.

[DanaR]

I would do like a couple of the other girls mentioned and tell her you are thinking about going out with the local TG group for a shopping excursion. She might not like it, but you need to tell her that you are going to be careful and you must be very very careful. If you go, you don't want it to be a problem for her when she gets home. The other option would be to wait until she gets back home and ask her if she would go with you.

[Barbara Ella]

Well, you followed the advice, talked, got a no, and got a do what you want while I am away. Typical answer when someone wants to throw it in your face later. i dont think she knows what you want to do, and I dont think she wants to knwo. because she has her opinion set in stone already.

given her passive aggressive response, I would go and keep it your secret. She is not going to like any decision you make.

Barbara

[Debglam]

Deb and Janice, yes I am a charter Lurker of the gems and I was hoping to make teh DressBarn event and Cindy's dinner Friday night. I have met Cindy S and Dianna in male form before, but that is the closest I have gotten to going out.

Thanks everyone for your wisdom and kind words.

Sorry to hear that Diane but you are being smart. These things take some time and giving your SO time to get comfortable with this is a good idea. There will be other events and other opportunities. The Gems always have something going on and most are very SO friendly. Send me a PM if you would like some more info.

Debby

[Chickhe]

Well, maybe you should pick the best option she gave you... she didn't want you to go to the event, so you don't...she said do what you want...so take the opportunity to try something like dressing up and just staying home or testing the waters by doing a short trip somewhere...get a makeover... this is so you can learn and then you fill her in on some of the details...like no one noticed...you locked your keys out of the car...and tell her it would have been fun if she could have joined you to help... if you make it out to be fun, then she might wonder what she's missing out on...