How to deal with rejection?

[Jonianne]

I took my morning walk and I noticed, in the quietness, an emotional tension in my chest and tightness in my back muscles and arms. At the same time I was thinking about my mom and dad and their rejection of me as TS (it's against God, they said). Actually, they are repulsed by me. I was thinking, how do I get past and relieve this tension I feel? There is nothing I can do, other than just sit through the sadness of their rejection and hopefully some of it will be relieved, in time. The last time I talked to mom, she couldn't even say she loved me, when we hung up. That makes me feel so sad.

Even with all the therapy I have had, it's still so hard to allow myself to sit through the pain with out trying to find some way of avoiding it. The tension in my back and arms have been increasing in recent weeks and starting to get me down. I've been going through cyclic depressions. I know I have to spend quiet time every day sitting through the sadness, because that is the only way for me to get through it. It's just so hard to do. :sad:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I am very sorry they are feeling this way Jonianne.

It is a sad thing and so unneccessary...

Organized religion is the bane of many relationships for us..so many human beings are misguided in how they judge us because of it
...its an excuse to hide their own failings as loving and spiritual people..(not a "religious comment"!!!, a people comment!!..i'm catholic fwiw)...

I hope it gets better for you. All you can do is live your best life

[Julia_in_Pa]

Jonianne,

Most here know of the rejection I faced when I transitioned.
I have found that day by day the pain of that rejection becomes easier to deal with.
I have not been able to get over the loss of my wife due to transition but I've learned to go around that road block instead of getting over it.

You sweetheart need to allow time to distance you from this and let what can heal heal before moving forward with your closure of this if there is any closure at all.
I have grown to refuse to allow the rejection by my ex wife and family to take away my love for them.
That pain will not get the best of me again when it comes to being angry with them.
You Jonianne have to find that place within you that will allow you enough peace and solace from the rejection by your mother so that you can move forward in your life concerning it.

Be strong sister.


Julia

[noeleena]

Hi,

Well this just shows me what real love is or in your case . its a they dont have real love.

Real love knows no bounds its not governed by how one looks or if theres some thing different about the person.

so if its against god & i wonder which one then why am i intersexed, is that not a part of Gods created beings & theres a few of us who are so different .are we all the same. dought it,

Is there an answer to your ? yes there is we have to trust that they can be open to they could be so wrong in what they belive in or who.& what they have been taught .

Dont give up hope . Im sadened to even have to think that your Mom has rejected you,
is not a Mothers love so great that it can not accept us no matter what. give her time & love her the same.

Dont get down cast dont over think this , allow this to be worked out in its own time,
You have your life to live so live it,

In the mean time enjoy what you have & some times things are for our benifit yet hard while we have to go through details like this,

Get on with your life & leave this out of your life because as you keep thinking about & going over this so much it will get you down & your health will allso suffer, the hard part is doing this .

From experance i ...had ... to shut off not even think about a detail i was going through so i do know what its like, very hard to do yet i had to. im talking about 8 years of,

Train your self to shut down your thoughts do things that will occupiy your mind spend time with friends get involved with clubs or groups think about other things, in other words dont mope around going over & over this, find a key to settle your mind,

Hey its not easy yet i had to do this as well.

Lots of Hugs xxx .

...noeleena...

[LeaP]

Joni, your pain jumps right off the screen.

I understand how much parents invest in their own vision for their children. They START families from that premise. They typically exercise heavy-handed control at various points in their children's lives to move them in the direction they want them to go. Giving up the controlling behavior is one of the hardest things to do sometimes.

The boundary that appears to have been crossed in at least your mother's case, though, is emotional manipulation. This you cannot accept - and you have to a degree. An adult child has a responsibility back to the parent to help move into a healthy adult relationship. You need to create distance for a while.

Lea

[Jonianne]

.....All you can do is live your best life

Thank you for the reminder, Kaitlyn. And thank you Julia, Noeleena and Lea. I just need a hug sometimes.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I don't know your parents or your history with them..

I have seen many times where parents have seen their children succeed at transition, succeed at self realization..etc.... with their fears reduced, their misconceptions calmed, they have come around and been loving again... not always...but it does happen

[Jorja]

I am sorry you are having to go through this but it is part of our struggle, Jonianne.

I can only tell you what worked for me.

My parents were not religious. I still got the "it's against God" speech anyhow. I guess that is going to make it all go away. Well, it didn't. Not knowing what to do, I just lived with the fact my parents were not on the dinner list anytime soon. When I graduated from college with honors, it was a lonely feeling. No one was there to show their support. When I rapidly managed to climb the corporate ladder, there was no one to share it with. There was one thing I did do though. I made sure they knew of my accomplishments. When there was a family event where I had to attend, I put on my best dress and entered with a smile. Soon they could see that I had not in fact "thrown my life away". I was happy, outgoing, successful, and smart. I had friends, and was respected by my peers. The more they saw or knew of this the more they came around.

Now, I don't know if your parents are like mine but once their fears and misconceptions of what society would think was past them, everything was ok. Actions speak louder than words.

[arbon]

I am very sorry you are going through this with your parents. That is very hard stuff. just remember that this is their choice and that you are not doing this to them. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and live a good healthy life. Eventually the feelings will fade, it wont be as intense as it is now.

[Jonianne]

.....I have seen many times where parents have seen their children succeed at transition, succeed at self realization..etc.... with their fears reduced, their misconceptions calmed, they have come around and been loving again... not always...but it does happen


I am sorry you are having to go through this but it is part of our struggle, Jonianne.

I can only tell you what worked for me.

My parents were not religious. I still got the "it's against God" speech anyhow. I guess that is going to make it all go away. Well, it didn't. Not knowing what to do, I just lived with the fact my parents were not on the dinner list anytime soon. When I graduated from college with honors, it was a lonely feeling. No one was there to show their support. When I rapidly managed to climb the corporate ladder, there was no one to share it with. There was one thing I did do though. I made sure they knew of my accomplishments. When there was a family event where I had to attend, I put on my best dress and entered with a smile. Soon they could see that I had not in fact "thrown my life away". I was happy, outgoing, successful, and smart. I had friends, and was respected by my peers. The more they saw or knew of this the more they came around.

Now, I don't know if your parents are like mine but once their fears and misconceptions of what society would think was past them, everything was ok. Actions speak louder than words.


......That is very hard stuff. just remember that this is their choice and that you are not doing this to them. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and live a good healthy life. Eventually the feelings will fade, it wont be as intense as it is now.

Thank you Kaitlyn, Jorja and Arbon. Your words mean a lot to me. I just want them to look past the religious preconceptions and just see me. That I have been very successful in my life, in my work and hope to continue to be and that I'm not just throwing (or destroying, as they said) my life away. Putting one foot in front of the other or even at times, just breathing is all that I can do.

Thank you all for your support and helpful thoughts. I was depressed this morning as I felt the tension in my body, but your responses have helped to cheer me up, to have a good day today.

[Holly]

Jonianne, we have had some pretty deep discussions in the past. The point being, we got through them. This is one of those cases where the Serenity Prayer really makes a lot of sense; God grant me the grace to accept the things I cannot change, the knowledge to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference between the two.

I think Jorga is spot on in her observation and advice. For the most part, people who are heavily invested in you cannot be convinced by words. They must see with there own eyes that you are happy, successful, and fulfilled... especially moms. Don't be sad for yourself. You are doing what you have been called to do and being who you have been called to be. I know this is true for you. If you feel the need to be sad, be a little sad for your mom. She is struggling far more than you are. She wants more than anything for you to be happy. She's just not sure that the road you are on is the right one. It's up to you to SHOW her that it is. Mother's Day is coming closer. Get her some nice flowers and tell her the flowers represent the beauty in your life that she helped put there. Show her with your life that she has influenced you to be a beautiful, loving, productive, fulfilled, and happy person with the knowledge and love you received at her knee. The very best way you can dispel the concerns of your parents is to BE happy. Best wishes.

[sandra-leigh]

The tension in my back and arms have been increasing in recent weeks and starting to get me down.

As there can be strong mind/body connections, it can be worthwhile to approach this from the other angle for a time: get massages on your arms, neck, shoulders, and back. Removing the physical tensions can ease the mind -- and by relieving the physical tensions you are implicitly refusing to let the emotional overtones control you.

I have been getting weekly massages for about a year. A luxury in one way, but it has helped me keep my sanity and my health. (The massages have helped reduce my need for physiotherapy as well -- there are measurable improvements to my posture and flexibility.)

[KellyJameson]

The rejection by parent(s) is probably the most difficult to bear and the most rewarding to transcend because in the end you become free to begin living your life for yourself.

It is the rare parent who does not think they have the right to own their childs life because they see the child as their property, something they created and from this power they assume they can do as they wish with what they created, this is false. Your life belongs to you and what you owe them is in proportion to their recognition that you are a separate, living, breathing, distinct human being who has all the same rights as anyone else.

Remember that no ones opinion of you is you, there is little connection between the opinions of others and the truth of who we are. It is impossible to hold the truth of a human being with words.

The repulsion shows the limits of their thinking. It is not as important to avoid pain as it is to understand it because from this understanding you will learn to reject the message, the pain comes because some part of you believes the words. This does not make you weak or foolish, it is very very difficult to go against those who have had power over you your whole life and believe that you know the truth and they do not, this takes time and effort. Every single human being that moves into adulthood must at some point go through this if they want to escape the limits of the circumstances they were born into or they remain a slave to the beliefs of others and their minds never expand out of the ignorance that the world lives in.

[Jonianne]

Oh Holly, you have returned to your mom duties here! Thank you for your thoughtful and helpful post. You. with the rest have been such a blessing today and have lifted my spirits high with hope. I will certainly take you up on the Mother's day suggestion. Thank you for being there for me through the trials, the years we've known each other here on the forum. I hope we get a chance to meet sometime in person!

Sandra, thank you too. I hadn't thought about massages for the physical tension. That's an idea, maybe my insurance would cover some chiropractor visits.


......the pain comes because some part of you believes the words. This does not make you weak or foolish, it is very very difficult to go against those who have had power over you your whole life and believe that you know the truth and they do not, this takes time and effort. Every single human being that moves into adulthood must at some point go through this if they want to escape the limits of the circumstances they were born into or they remain a slave to the beliefs of others and their minds never expand out of the ignorance that the world lives in.

Thank you Kelly for pointing that out. It fits very well. Part of my testamony has been that at age 8, I vowed to stay 8 for the rest of my life and never grow up to be a man. Now, on that deep emotional level, I have come to the time to finish "growing up" and be the female I know I was meant to be. I have to do this on my own and yes, that means cutting the ties that would keep me from going into a delayed adulthood for me. Not necessarly cutting myself off from them, but standing on my own emotional place and saying I am who I am and I love you and I hope you can accept me, in time, but until then I need to fulfill this part of my life.

[morgan pure]

Jonianne,
I have no answer. There's very little you can do to change the way people think. Remember that their whole upbringing, especially in a traditional ultra-Christian culture, their whole world view conforms to their specific norm. Most people are within that norm and it's important for them to maintain it because it's built on such a flimsy foundation.

You are a threat to their whole definition of the universe.

Don't give up on them or their religion. After all, what the hell do you think Jesus would do if he met a trannie? Would He sneer? Not likely.

(Close to 50% of the country doesn't believe in evolution. They can't even pronounce gender dysphoria.

M.

[Jonianne]

Thank you Morgan, I certainly am not going to give up on them. I know what it took for me to walk away from fundamentalism and to effectivly "go to hell" for doing so. It wasn't untill afterward that I realized that the god that sent me there was not the God of love, but one of my own making, that was the only one that I knew from the part of the religious teaching that was unhealthy. It takes a while to sort out the unhealthy parts from the healthy. And it's the unhealthy parts that also keep my parents bound from being accepting. But miricals do happen. Love eventually wins out.

[Chickhe]

...consider that some parents are like that even if their is no gender involved... Seems like some parents can't get past the point of letting go and accepting that their kids are adults or they get so wrapped up in themselves they forget about your needs. Basically, it sucks when you loose touch with your parents...but on the other hand, maybe its to prepare you for their eventual departure...to make you independent....

[Starling]

...I have grown to refuse to allow the rejection by my ex wife and family to take away my love for them...

That's so wise, Julia! When we lose someone's love for us, the worse loss can be our love for them. Loving someone is the most wonderful feeling in the world, even if they are not able to reciprocate. It makes you a happier person not to be consumed with anger and bitterness.

In the words of Paul McCartney, "And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

:) Lallie

[ReineD]

They may have deep religious convictions, but rare is the parent who will stop loving their child. There's a wonderful video right now in the Media section from a TS who chronicled her family's reaction to her transition. It shows that although no one can spare families from their struggles or pain, with time, patience, and continued positive and loving contact there is hope that families will come around.

Just continue to be there for them. :hugs:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?172640-Male-to-female-TS-a-transgender-success-story

[Jonianne]

Thank you Chickie, Lallie and Reine. I watched the video. It was hard to see the pain the parents and family went through, but eventually comming to a lot of acceptance.

[Launa]

Rejection is a hard thing to deal with, its easier said than done. I say limit your contact with your folks right now. Give it some time for them to think about things. I don't want to say anything bad about your parents but usually people that have no vices have righteous virtues. Don't let them know your sad otherwise your like a wounded bird and your feelings and character will be attacked. Talk to everybody here when your feeling low.

[Traci Elizabeth]

At the same time I was thinking about my mom and dad and their rejection of me as TS (it's against God, they said). Actually, they are repulsed by me.


Send them the movie Trans America. If that does not rattle their thinking, then nothing will.

[Bree-asaurus]

At the same time I was thinking about my mom and dad and their rejection of me as TS (it's against God, they said). Actually, they are repulsed by me.

I'm so sorry to hear this... I just don't understand it. I couldn't stop loving my child for any reason...

My dad is super religious... the kind that is religious when it suites them... and even he was able to find some reason behind what I'm going through and has been one of my biggest supporters.

If your family can't support you, you need to walk away. I am so sorry they can't be there for you... I really am. But you are your own person, you are worthy of love and respect... not disgust and repulsion. There are plenty of decent human beings out there that would be happy to be considered your friend or family.

Hang in there... you're worth so much more than they're giving you.

[emmicd]

Jonianne,
I know what it feels like to be different. I know it took me a long time to come to terms with my TG/TS issues and when I knew it was not going away I realized it was part of who I was. I'm sure you may have had similar feelings. We have no control over what our family or friends or coworkers will think but we must realize it iakes time for people to understand and hopefully come around. L can only hope that people in my life will come to understand me and my situation. I am not forcing this on people. I'm just trying to be me. I hope your family will come around and come to respect, love and support you through your transition and new life as a female. I wish you all my best.

emmi