Dressing Crossroads

[Teresapantyhose]

I've been dressing since the age of 12, starting with pantyhose and progressing as the years have gone on. Absolutely love it but it's becoming a hindrance to my relationship with my wife. I came out to her 5 years ago and she absolutely HATES Teresa. We had gone to a therapist and had left it at don't ask/don't tell after about a year. A couple of months ago, I was lounging wearing a long shirt and some tights (favorite way to lounge around the house) when she came home unexpectedly. I made a run for the bedroom and got there ok but she saw me running through the house and wondered what I was doing. I told her what I was wearing and now we're back in therapy again.

My question is how many of you have gone through something like this with an unsupportive spouse and what were the results? We have some major things coming up this summer that are going to be extremely taxing on our relationship so looking for an idea of what to expect based on your experiences.

Thanks!! Teresa

[JohnH]

Here I am on M2F HRT, and around the house I simply throw on the clothes I feel like wearing - whether it is a dress, a skirt, or pants. Two things I don't do when I am with my wife:
1. Use a feminine name - she wants me to be "John"
2. Speak with a feminine voice.

She hates those two things much more than anything of what I wear or how I groom myself. I could be dressed completely "en homme" and do those two things and that would upset my wife to no end.

If I don't do those two things I'm pretty much free to dress however I feel like doing.

Likewise around your wife you might like to go with your male name and talk with a masculine voice.

John

[katie_barns]

I spent a year in therapy after my wife caught me. She was devastated and though I was sick. After she had some time to think about it she backed off some. Therapy made me realize that I can't stop its who I am, but I wanted to respect her wishes. I would have been better if she had attended therapy with me but according to her I was the sick one not her. She knows I still dress but never wants to see Katie, not even her clothing. Every now and then something shows up in the wash and she handles it well by putting it on my side of the bed. She made me promise that I would never dress where someone we know could see me. I do my best to abide by her wishes.

[Kate Simmons]

Honestly? The bottom line is that there is only room for one prima donna per household. I found that out the hard way.:)

[NicoleScott]

DADT requires that she knows you do it but doesn't want to see you dressed and/or know when you do. I wonder if, because she didn't see it, she thought you didn't do it any more.

[kimdl93]

Some sort of resolution must be attained. Your wife needs to explore the basis for her apparent revulsion with even the notion of CDing for one thing. You both need to address this. And realistically she needs to understand that CDing is not going to go away for most people nor can it be suppressed without consequences. For threat to work both of you need to work at finding that resolution ...not just talking.

[MonicaTC]

Honestly? The bottom line is that there is only room for one prima donna per household. I found that out the hard way.:)

Hi Teresa. Hugs again. I agree with Kate here. There are two things that are conflicting here. There is you and how you see yourself telling you to be one way, and your wife who sees things another way and wishes them to be another. It is not an easy choice, one I wish didn't exist. I don't believe in our society's rigid gender roles. I hope it isn't coming to this decision so fast, but it does seem that the decision is to be male role 24/7 and hold on to your wife though never being entirely happy with yourself or accept Teresa as part of you and lose your wife and having the attendant unhappiness with that. I know we've chatted but I know I can't be of much help. This is such a hard decision. Do what you can with whatever decision you do make. I hope the counseling can make a situation where such a decision never has to be made and you both can be happy. Good luck :)

Monica

[Barbara Ella]

Hi Teresa. My wife has known for four months, and went from totally supportive initially, to a DADT position now. She wants me to dress, just not in front of her. We do the laundry together, and she has no problem with any of it. She says if she coes hoe unexpectedly, she does not want me scurrying to change, she says she could handle it. So i have very conflicting statements from her, and I am in the middle, so I take the most conservative route, and dont push anything much, and hide as much as I can.

She is not being honest, and neither are you if she has not been in therapy with you. She needs to be in therapy. This is your problem as a couple, not just yours as a crossdresser. You both need to go through counseling so you both can get a handle on the situation. This is not about you going to get it out of your system. Talk to her. Hating is never good for anyone.

From my young experience, i would fall back to the Monty Python axiom. "When you least expect it, expect the unexpected."

Barbara

[Teresapantyhose]

Thanks for all of the insight and support here. I've been in therapy now for a little while and mentioned to my wife that the Dr. suggested that she start going as well. Eventually we will have to go together to figure this out. I know that Teresa isn't going to go away and have always been respectful and careful and that isn't going to change on my part. With 2 kids in the mix not going to expose them to this considering we live in decent-sized, yet small community that word would travel fast and devastate them. We will get back to the DADT existence as I know there will be no outright acceptance from my wife. I know things will work out for the best one way or the other.

Thanks again all!!!

Hugs,

Teresa

[jillleanne]

You seem to be thinking with a clear mind; that's good. You are probably right; it won't go away. Your wife must attend therapy or nothing will change for the better. She obviously feels you have a problem, not her so you get better. We both know that isn't true and if she can accept that thru therapy things can get better. Otherwise, things will probably not improve which leaves you with few choices. In the meanwhile, tell her if she sees a 'whatever' hanging on the front door when she comes home, you will be in the house en femme so be prepared, ring the door bell twice, or whatever.

[Sam-antha]

Some sort of resolution must be attained. Your wife needs to explore the basis for her apparent revulsion with even the notion of CDing for one thing.........

Just another person inputting to this theme.... i do wonder why it is the cd'er who is always classed as the person in need of a therapist. This definition of need usually being made by all three parties concerned.
~Samm

[daviolin]

Hi Teresa
Yes its Daviolin. I miss are old chats we used to have. Well its been 3 years for Daviolin and his wife. ITs starting to get better. She still dosen't like it, but shes starting to tolorate it. We tryed theraphy a long time ago. That was a mistake. So we droped that nonsence. At least for us it was a waste of money. The turning point in her exceptance was I told her, Daviolin is my twin sister living inside of me. She will never go away until I die. She will always be a part of me. She really got ahold of that concept. Things have really changed for us since that conversation. She even agreed to a dress up evening together. Which was edgie but fun. Tomorrow we are going out to the Saugatuck tg weekend for the day. I'm so exceted.
I'll quit rambling on about me. Hang in there Teresa. Hopely things will get better. I hate seeing marrages break up over CDing. Were people too. I'll be praying for you. Daviolin

[Deanna Jeanine]

Hi Theresa,
Hang in there girlfriend. I agree with what Samantha said:

Just another person inputting to this theme.... i do wonder why it is the cd'er who is always classed as the person in need of a therapist. This definition of need usually being made by all three parties concerned.
~Samm
I am in a situation when most probably I will never be able to tell my spouse due to her mental and psychological condition, and she is never out of the house with out me. So not only can I not tell her, my dressing opportunities are extremely limited. But I won't give up, and don't you either!

[Melissa_59]

To tag onto Samantha and Deedee's thoughts, it's not just the crossdresser that needs to speak to someone. The wife should as well, to find out if there is any chance that this relationship will heal if you continue to crossdress. I hate to say this but the kindest knife cuts quickly, if there is no chance of reconciliation, it would be better to end the relationship now rather than drag it out for 23 years (yes, I learned this the hard way). I tried many times to stop, doing the typical purging and even stopped completely for six years (six years of hell), but it didn't help in the end. My ex-wife, when I first came out to her, swore it wasn't an issue or it would ever be an issue but she hated it, and made it the primary focus in any argument we had about any subject.

I'm not trying to be a wet blanket, I just want you to find out quickly if there is any hope for the relationship. That way you don't go through what I went through. Finding an understanding and supportive (or at least accepting) GG out there must be like striking gold, I think. I've never met one, and I've given up looking as well. I've discovered that being alone means not having to deal with those conflicts, and that really took a load off my mind.

[JenniferR771]

We live in a conservative town--bible belt--north. My wife and her psychologist also thought I should be fixed. I was not satisfied with counselors as they were rather conservative at times. Untrained in gender issues. And sometimes borrowed books from me. After 10 years things are still a bit tense at my house at times. Be sure you do not escalate faster than is reasonable--beware the pink cloud. Be aware of her point of view. Constantly.

[Teresapantyhose]

Quick update. Therapist allows me to dress as Teresa in our sessions, but can't take the chance of sitting in the lobby as Teresa so just pull off the jeans and already have the skirt and pantyhose on underneath. Have asked my wife to make an appointment on her own when she can and I have a few more sessions alone before going to try and do one together. Then, it's all up to how we handle it. I know that Teresa is never going to go away as she hasn't for 30 years so not planning on it. Very relaxed as Teresa so we're going to have to figure out boundaries and how to incorporate Teresa into your relationship, whether it's together or us being apart. Thanks again for all of the insight and support!!