Feeling a little worried today

[Chardonnay Merlot]

I've only been here a short time and I'm already learning a lot. There's a wealth of wisdom here and I'm taking it in.

Recently I've been told that I better be prepared to be by myself because I'm "too feminine" to meet up to a women's expectations of what a mate should be. I don't agree at all, but it seems conventional wisdom is running in the opposite direction.

I know that by getting real about being a CD would involve a lot of change and perhaps a lot of hurt..but that still doesn't take some fears away.

I've put a lot of thought and effort into creating a healthy balance, how can I best integrate a potential mate into that balance .. I'm sure it's possible because many of you have done it. Tell me, where do I begin?

[Tina B.]

It's all just based on finding the right woman, no secret, either she will or she won't, not much you can do to change that.
Tina B.

[Karren H]

Tina's right... Your not converting someone who isn't almost already there. And though "many" have found accepting women SOs.... I'm betting "most" have not...

[kimdl93]

Be yourself. If you hide this part of yourself deep behind a masculine facade, you'regiving a misleading impression of who you are. Its better to be up front.

That doesn't mean flaunting your CD attributes ...just be natural, friendly and open. Giving off positive gibes is the best way to attract the same from others. Then let nature take its course.

[BillieJoEllen]

Yes, as Karren said "Most have not....." , (sigh).

[Kate Simmons]

It mostly depends on what the expectations of a potential mate are Hon. Once you determine that, you will know how to proceed but women definitely do not like secrets.:)

[Melissa_59]

Some women are more than "not accepting", here's my war story (which does not involve '300 grizzly bears and a spork'):

Many years ago, I met up with a couple in Houston (the husband was another crossdresser), and we went out to dinner together. It was a wonderful dinner and I had a great time, the restaurant staff was very accepting and cordial - it was great. Except for this one young woman who was sitting at another table giving me the most hateful glare I've ever received from anyone in my entire life, and that includes being deployed to more than a couple of war zones while I was in the military. She couldn't stop glaring at me and if looks could bruise, I would have burst into flames from the hate in her eyes.

My advice would be to be up front and open right off the bat. You need to know if the person will be accepting or supportive right off, or if they consider it a major turn off. There's no sense in dating for six weeks/six months/six years and then finding out that with her, it's a deal breaker.

Melissa

[Lorileah]

Ask a woman what she wants in man and you will get a myriad of answers. But many will say they want someone who is compassionate, caring, likes quiet intimate meetings, likes the good thing sin life like good food and music and theater. They want a man who can be a gentle dad, who dotes on his family, who can empathize with them and share emotions.

Unfortunately the younger ones say they want that but hen they choose the opposite. With time the realize that the bad boy excitement may be fun for awhile but what the really want is what they said. So don't give up, just be patient. Eventually, there will be a woman who finds what you call your feminine traits to be attractive. And that type of woman often gets to be a best friend, not just someone who you want to sleep with but one who can share other things.

[Chardonnay Merlot]

Thanks, I needed to read this. I needed a little reminder is all. :)

[katie_barns]

From my own experience I have found the things my spouse loves about me is a lot of the things that my male and female persona's have in common. An maybe the things I express better as Katie. Compassion, consideration Basically the softer side of me. A lot of women complain about their man being rude, inconsiderate and afraid of expressing emotions.

I told my wife that some of the things that are driven by the internal girl in me, is the things she loves about the man.

[Stephanie47]

Along term relationship evolves, especially marriage. It is best to make sure any potential intimate lover knows of your cross dressing inclinations before getting too involved. At least she was forewarned. That would hopefully eliminate the trauma of revealing such an intimate part of your life at a later date. However, since living with a person is subject to renegotiation and compromise expect things may change. You also need to discuss boundaries that she is comfortable with and observe them.

If you're perceived as being 'too feminine' that is actually helpful since whoever may be interested in you is already accepting of your external feminine traits. And, perhaps with a little conversation she will become aware of your inner self and being. It sounds as if you have already accepted your feminine side and you are not loathing who you are by exhibiting the traits of an overbearing male bore.

[Sarah Doepner]

Ask a woman what she wants in man and you will get a myriad of answers. But many will say they want someone who is compassionate, caring, likes quiet intimate meetings, likes the good thing sin life like good food and music and theater. They want a man who can be a gentle dad, who dotes on his family, who can empathize with them and share emotions.

Unfortunately the younger ones say they want that but hen they choose the opposite. With time the realize that the bad boy excitement may be fun for awhile but what the really want is what they said. So don't give up, just be patient. Eventually, there will be a woman who finds what you call your feminine traits to be attractive. And that type of woman often gets to be a best friend, not just someone who you want to sleep with but one who can share other things.


From my own experience I have found the things my spouse loves about me is a lot of the things that my male and female persona's have in common. An maybe the things I express better as Katie. Compassion, consideration Basically the softer side of me. A lot of women complain about their man being rude, inconsiderate and afraid of expressing emotions.

I told my wife that some of the things that are driven by the internal girl in me, is the things she loves about the man.

I am a fortunate one as well. My wife has said much of what she came to love about me were the softer more feminine traits that are part of my personality. The time I spend CDing tends to keep them closer to the surface. But she also expects me to be the enforcer, handyman, driver and protector as well. Many women have all those characteristics as well, so it's just a matter of finding the right balance and the right girl to appreciate that balance. I wish you patience and the best of luck.

[Badtranny]

Char, your thread sparked a thought.

Many CD'rs keep this "other" side clamped down so tight that no one would even consider that they enjoyed indulging their femininity. I think this is the root of the problem. A few years ago I was an amateur Motocross racer and that is an all encompassing hobby much like CD'ing is. You're either at the track or thinking about being at the track. The whole week is just preparation for the weekend. Pretty much every evening is spent in the garage pampering the bike, or watching videos, or reading magazines. The outfits are also a huge part of it. Dressing for the track was always fun, as was buying new gear. Everything is color coordinated, my white boots were always gleaming, my goggles were always new and usually matched my bike colors. This sport consumed me for roughly 10 years of my life and it was more than something I did. It was who I was. I was a racer and I would ride at every opportunity.

If I was dating someone they would know on the first date that I went to the track every weekend. I was still closeted back then and most women were not interested in pursuing a relationship with a guy that already has his weekends planned out. That was cool because I was a closet queen that would not have taken very well to someone complaining about my moto habit. A straight guy can be cajoled, but a queer like me tends to be resistant to feminine charms. ;-)

What I'm saying is, if a CD can come to grips with who he is and realize that it's really no big deal to play dress up then he can be confident about saying "oh by the way" to people he's dating. I'm not talking about leading any parades here, I'm just saying that the right attitude can turn this CD thing into a real "so what" shoulder shrug to most people. Is it fun? Women love to have fun with their guys. Many will NOT be into it, but some will. I guess what I'm trying to say is just be yourself.

[Claire Cook]

Recently I've been told that I better be prepared to be by myself because I'm "too feminine" to meet up to a women's expectations of what a mate should be. I don't agree at all, but it seems conventional wisdom is running in the opposite direction.



Chardonnay,

Katie and others have made the point -- there are women out there who appreciate the softer, more compassionate side, as opposed to domineering male types. I'm lucky to have found one -- those qualities appealed to Sue even before she knew I CD'd. You just have to take the time and effort to find someone like that.

[TrishM]

Honesty is the cornerstone of any good relationship, whether it involves a CD or not.

[LarrissaMurray]

"Recently I've been told that I better be prepared to be by myself because I'm "too feminine" to meet up to a women's expectations of what a mate should be. I don't agree at all, but it seems conventional wisdom is running in the opposite direction."

I too was told exactly the same thing buy a GG friend of mine just a few months back.So, I understand. This woman and her SO stood firmly at my side through my last breakup. She knows a few of my ex's and thinks she know's me cause she has heard a thing or two, but the truth is she is clueless about Larrissa. Several months back I spent some time with them and did a lot of wrenching with her SO, we pulled a engine from a old stock car and I showed him the proper way to install a transmission into a old 49' Ford truck. She has MS, so after helping him outside I cleaned and organized her daughters room and re-arranged and cleaned their living room. "That's Right, I can do it all!" LOL Anyways she said then "no woman wants a man who can clean house better than she can, you have too many fem traits to keep a woman happy." I almost bought into it for a minute, those words hurt because I am who I am.
Just hang in there Chadonnay, everything will work out. Just give it time and don't look too hard, the right woman will come along eventually.

[jillleanne]

Whomever told you that knows little. There are plenty of 'fish in the ocean' and there is one perfect for you as well. Just be patient and all will fall in place nicely. Until then, be yourself and change nothing. If you hide nothing upfront they won't have to accept anything other than you as their mate from the getgo.