Feeling overwhelmed

[wifeOfHer]

My background. I am the wife of a CD. My then boyfriend told me he was a CD before our relationship went any further. I knew he had something 'big' to tell me for weeks and weeks and when he finally got around to telling me, All I could think was, is that all?? Thank goodness.

I do not have any issues with my now husband's CD. He is a very private person. In the start, I encouraged him to come out. I participated in buying makeup, clothing, wigs - the works. We still go shopping off and on.

I still do not mind or have any issue with him CD - we spend some nights dressed when time permits.

One thing has changed for me, this is where I am starting to feel overwhelmed, I am just needing a break from participating. I don't mind if he wants to doll up but I kind of feel like I would like him to do it on his own for awhile so I don't have to. He has been talking about going out dressed - I am not prepared for that. Again, if this is something he wants to do - I say go ahead - go out - I really don't mind, I just don't want to participate, its too much for me.

I can't figure out how to tell him since I have been so supportive, I feel like I am letting him down or it will send him the wrong signal that I am not ok with his dressing, I am fine with it, I just don't want to participate.

Any advice from the gals or other spouses?

[Anna Lorree]

Acceptance and participation are two very different things. For the relationship to succeed, you need to accept, but you don't have to participate. Your husband is amazingly lucky to have a wife who even accepts that he dresses. You need to establish limits and boundaries that both of you can accept and live with. That is going to require some communication between you and he, and likely a few hurt feelings along the way. That's marriage for you...

Anna

[Xena]

it is not as overwhelming, just keep the lines of communication open.
you both seem to be understanding.

[Michaelasfun]

You've been great in the understanding and supportive department, no worries. Just tell him you're not ready for going out together, but you're fine if he wants to go out when he wants, he should be fine with that. If not, it's not realistic on his part to just expect you not to have any feelings at all in the matter and submit, that's not reasonable. You've done plenty already.

[kimdl93]

I think you should tell him exactly what you've told us. Its clear you remain supportive...ya just need a time out. so, it your willing to let him go out on his own and dress on his own for a while, then I think that's not letting him down at all. Its finding a place that's comfortable for both of you for now.

My only other question would relate to going out with him. My wife has the same reservations and I am not pushing the issue. But I would like to hear your reasons, concerns, apprehensions...whatever the obstacles may be for you.

[MandyGG]

I would tell him exactly what you told us! You worded it perfectly. Express to him that you just need a break from it, but you don't care if he continues on his own for a whole and you will rejoin the activities again later. He should not be mad at you for it. Like Anna said, there is a difference between acceptance and participation. Create boundaries. Know your own limits. Keep everything honest.

I am sure you will get everything worked out!

[NicoleScott]

Look at your past. When he knew he needed to tell you, he fought through the fears and did it. Would you rather that he had not told you? You have something he needs to hear. So tell him. My wife knows and accepts, but doesn't want to participate. I'm glad to know that. And I transform without her. It can work, but you need to tell him.
Just because you don't want to participate doesn't mean you're not supportive.

[wifeOfHer]

I may try to talk to him about it. One of the things with him is he is very self conscious about dressing in the first place. 3/4 of his comfort level seems to have come from my support. So I am afraid to make him go back into hiding or feeling ashamed. So sensitive about it. I have to tread very lightly.

I will test his mood the next time it comes up.

kimdl93, good question, what are my hesitations. I am not completely sure to be honest. I guess the first thought is, how will I explain it if we run into someone we know. I am not sure what to think about that yet.

THAT is the trick. 'Just because you don't want to participate doesn't mean you're not supportive.' I want to be sure I get that specific point across to him. My fear is that since he is so sensitive about it all in the first place, he will miss my point.

Such a drama queen sometimes :-)

[Eryn]

As others have said, communicate! Relationships are a two way street and it sounds like you're doing your best in this regard. He needs to understand that your feelings are important too and perhaps you aren't ready to participate at the level he'd like. He may be in a bit of Pink Fog so you may need a couple of tries to get this across.

One approach is to emphasize that to get the full experience he should learn to be femme independently. He should know how to do his own makeup, pick his own outfits, etc. Independence is a thrill in itself!

[Stephanie47]

I think it is great that you are supportive. It is even great that you want to participate on occasion. I wish my wife were at your level of comfort and acceptance with cross dressing. That being said, there is absolutely no reason for him to want or to expect you to participate EVERY TIME! If you guy convinces his wife to go fishing with him once does that mean she should feel obligated to go fishing ALL the time with him? No!

I'd just explain the situation as you explained it here, if he has not already read this thread.

[Sarah Doepner]

First off I want to congradulate you on your support for your CD. My wife has been supportive and participates, but has her limits and lets me know what they are. That's the key. Your husband knew his mind and trusted you enough to tell you about his crossdressing. You need to know your mind and trust him as well so your relationship will remain based on honest communication.

[JenniferR771]

Its a two way street--a partnership. It sounds like he has his head in the pink clouds. Perhaps has breathed the vapors. Its not all about him. You count too. This week do what you want to do. Even steven. I wish my wife was half as nice as you.

[Cheryl T]

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. This is what he did when he came out to you and this is how you should proceed.

The opposite is true with my wife and I. She wishes to be there every step of the way. We always go out together and she is always there for me.
Yes, there are times when I feel a bit too smothered, but I'd rather have it this way then have no support at all. The coin has two sides you see....

[sherri]

Just tell him how you feel. Reading between the lines, he seems to be pretty considerate. In the meantime, there are places the two of you can go together where people won't judge you, and where you're unlikely to run into people you know, unless you have friends in the GLBT community. And don't be frightened by the whole glbt thing -- neither of you have to be gay to hang out. It's just that they're way more tolerant and non-judgemental. Another option is to get away from home to a nearby city or something. Just an idea.

[Joanne f]

You are and have been supporting your husband which I am sure he will realise , if it has got to the point where it is now effecting you then it is only right that you tell him or it will eat away at you , just explain the situation but be prepared for some moodiness from your husband as CDs have a habit of taking it directly as a dig but I am sure this will not last long as the desire to dress will soon over ride that .

[Kate Simmons]

The thing is Hon, if I were your Hubby I would ask what you want to do once in a while. Perhaps a nice candlelight dinner with him (not her) and some dancing and romancing to show appreciation. I wouldn't even mind dressing in a suit and tie for the occasions but that's just me. ;):)

[Contessa]

Kim

We all have a lot of love inside us too. And I think(and I said I think) women see us as woman and their husband so they think every one can see their husband as a woman. And to some woman they don't love woman. And we make them feel that they are married to one. I am not a woman I am a fake. Maybe a pretty good fake but a fake. So they may not be able to have fun with it. Think of it vice versa maybe then you see what is going on. Everyone in the public doesn''t know thats her husband really. It is just one of her friends with quite masculine features or her male friend all dressed up. Tell people to smile laugh and have fun life is too short.

Tess

[DonnaT]

My wife has been out with me, but lately has decided it's not her scene. I'm fine with that. I don't want her to do anything she's not happy with.

Just be honest with your husband, and don't let him rely on you as a crutch for going out.

[Jacqueline Winona]

I'd love to have what you provide! But from his perspective, I can see how he might be a little let-down if you aren't careful with how you say it, just emphasise how much you do understand his needs and desires and the two of you should be good.

[KarenCDFL]

Just tell your spouse how you feel.

I am in the same kind of relationship with my wife of almost 17 years. I also was honest and up front well before we married.

My wife enjoys our dress up time but she is not obligated.

You should not have any reason to be overwhelmed once you make your feeling well known.

Good Luck!

[Sarah L]

If I were to meet someone like you, I would feel like the luckiest guy in the world. Show him your message on here and the responses.
You have expressed your feelings very well.
I think you have been amazing.

[Eryn]

Only #2 post? I'm wondering if 'You' is "she' or vice-versa. One and the same maybe? Over and out.

Quite a few GGs join the forum with some pretty heavy questions and the questions asked by the OP are quite reasonable. I see no problem with asking those questions right away.

What positive outcome did you expect from doubting the OP? All of the answers she has received (except yours) have been thoughtful and constructive. They will be valuable to anyone reading the thread.

[Alice B]

My wife has been accepting from the start, about 6 years ago. But, our agreement is that she will not participate as she is not comfortable with that. It is OK for me to dress and go out and even go to the week long DLV in Las Vegas. I can dress at home, but only occasionaly so I do not throw it in her face. Just be honest with your CD'er, tell him how you feel, that it is OK to dress and go out, that you are OK with his dressing, but simply do not wish to directly participate. If your relationship is strong it should present no problems. He just needs to see it from your perspective and come in out of the fog.

[Tina B.]

Another, one for just tell him him, as my wife put it, "it's your thing, not mine". I'm not out, but at home I dress as I please, but it has nothing to do with her. Let him know you have gone as far as your ready to go, if he needs to go father, he should do it, and maybe you'll catch up latter.
Tina B.

[busker]

My background. I am the wife of a CD. My then boyfriend told me he was a CD before our relationship went any further. I knew he had something 'big' to tell me for weeks and weeks and when he finally got around to telling me, All I could think was, is that all?? Thank goodness.

I do not have any issues with my now husband's CD. He is a very private person. In the start, I encouraged him to come out. I participated in buying makeup, clothing, wigs - the works. We still go shopping off and on.

I still do not mind or have any issue with him CD - we spend some nights dressed when time permits.

One thing has changed for me, this is where I am starting to feel overwhelmed, I am just needing a break from participating. I don't mind if he wants to doll up but I kind of feel like I would like him to do it on his own for awhile so I don't have to. He has been talking about going out dressed - I am not prepared for that. Again, if this is something he wants to do - I say go ahead - go out - I really don't mind, I just don't want to participate, its too much for me.

I can't figure out how to tell him since I have been so supportive, I feel like I am letting him down or it will send him the wrong signal that I am not ok with his dressing, I am fine with it, I just don't want to participate.

Any advice from the gals or other spouses?
think of it as something like teaching your children to ride a bike. for a while you hold the handle bars with them, they have training wheels, and that is a great start but at some point, the training wheels come off, you stop pushing the bike and they start pedaling on their own. It sounds as though your husband needs to get the training wheels off, and you need to let go of the handle bars. you can say that you have helped him all you can and at this point he has to have the confidence to "suit up" and get on with his life so that you can get on with yours. He should also be interested in doing things for you, otherwise it sounds too much like a dependent relationship, putting the load on you. In so many ways he's a very lucky guy to have you but don't let it become an anchor--you need to "fly" as well. Good luck.

[Miriam-J]

I think many of us have found a need to find a balance in our crossdressing, both to ensure that we remain faithful to our own priorities and to maintain the many aspects of our spousal relationship. This really isn't all that different from other balances that we negotiate for our lives together, such as how much time we spend with friends, what events we attend together and separately, or even how much time we spend working. In all these things, the only way to ensure good outcomes is to have open honest communication about our wants, our needs, and also the amount of compromise that we think we can accept. Sometimes it's not easy, but stick with it anyway. It sounds like you've got a good thing going and you're being super-supportive, so it should be easy to have just a bit more discussion.

Miriam