Excited, and sad at the same time

[Kiva]

A week from today, I will have to attend a seminar out of town, so I will be spending next sunday at my hotel room, letting Kiva come out, for one of her few times that she gets in a year, and blossom. I look forward each year for these classes, and prepare way in advance for the things she will need. However, my wife of 24 years does not unterstand my need for Kiva, and she gets in a dark place during the weeks, when I'm riding this wave of anticipation. I really love my wife. She and I have grown up together, and shared most of life's lessons together. We've been thru some tough times, and now that we are reaching our so called prime years, I feel responsible for her periods of depression, which I know is all because of my need for Kiva.

Before anyone ask's the age old question.....no I didn't tell her about my years CD'ing before we were married. We were teens together, but I did in '85. Back then, she understood, and even helped dress me and do my makeup. We became parents in '89, and dressing never happened again, nor was mentioned. Once in the early '90s, she caught me thru a tell-tale sign, like panties somewhere they shouldn't be or something like that. Her comment to me was, "Nothing's changed huh?" After, what I considered her dissapproval, and more guilt;shame;etc., I went on a 10 year hiatus. My feelings inside were still the same though. I know now that Kiva is a part of me, and she needs time too. She has good, caring qualities, and suppressing her takes me to that dark place myself. I've delt with years of chemical imbalance, and yes, I do take meds.

Like my title says, I excited, yet sad for what it does to my dear wife. It's something that I must do though, and I really am looking forward to next sunday.

Kiva

[Julie]

Kiva, I, for one, can easily relate. My ex initially was cool about it then cold then okay then not. I repressed it for ten years too for the sake of the kids. It was getting too hard. Problem is repressing it solved nothing. In fact I feel it played a part in our recent divorce (we were married 23 years). When I'd try to talk to her about it she would change the subject. The more often this happened the more resentful I became. Then I started to withdraw from her.

If your wife will allow it, try to help her become educated on what this and what it isn't. The general public is so misinformed about TGism and all it's related issues. And that's what those not directly involved in our world are brought up to believe. Your wife needs to know the truth and she needs to understand what that all really means to you and to your relationship with her.

[Susan0102 GG]

I'm trying to get educated and be the accepting wife....but my spouse won't even have the initial conversation with me that he is dressing.... and I already know!

When we finally get to the subject...it won't be me wanting to terminate the conversation.....I want to have the talk..and move on with our lives- hopefully together!.... but only if he is loyal to me sexually!

[Holly]

Kiva, please for your sake and for your wife's sake, sit down and talk to her about this. Julie is absolutely right when she tells you that education of the public of what TGism really is plays THE most important part in our community ever being accepted. You can start that education with your wife.

Another part of your both being so uncomfortable is that no boundaries havve been set for either party. Please consider establishing opportunities and limits you can both live with

Best wishes to both of you.

[Kiva]

First off, thank you ladies for the reply's and advice. Julie, I'm sad to hear of your trials and tribs with your wife. You're sounds alot like what we're going thru. I agree that represion does nothing to solve anything. I've been there, done that, got the wrinkles too! :wink: What we seem to have is a battle of wills going. She refuses to accept it, and I refuse to suppress it. Not a good combo. Kinda like oil and water. I would hope that we could educate ourselves together, instead of just one or the other. Most of our attempted conversations get sidetracked, or otherwise, left to die, due to uneasy feelings, nerves, etc...

Susan, you sound like a good wife, who cares for this institution of marriage, that so many are all too ready to give up on, instead of growing closer. I would hope that you and your husband will, first and foremost, talk together, and reach a whole new level of understanding. I love being married myself, and I can assure you, at least, I'm in no way trying to compete with my wife over beauty, and the feminine roll in our partnership. Maybe your husband feels shame, or guilt. I know I go through that myself. Don't give up on him. Keep trying.....you'll get thru eventually I'm sure.

Holly, I want to become more educated myself, as I've lived my whole life thinking what I am is wrong, unholy, and just a plain ol freek. I know in my heart I'm not, and am beginning to totally accept me for who I am. We do have boundaries, sort of. Like the military. Don't ask, don't tell type attitude. My CDing is that subject that is just not discussed. I dress only when I'm out of town on business, and she knows that, so during this time that I'm getting anxious to go, she sees the signs, and becomes withdrawn and moody. I love this woman with all my heart, but for my own sake, I can't kill Kiva off and live as a "normal" husband.

Thank you all for your comments/suggestions.

Kiva

[Dayna]

Hi Kiva,

I read your post while sitting in a hotel room 700 miles from home, having just spent nearly 45min putting on my makeup (and dammit, I look good!) This has become ritual for me; I travel 2-3 times a month, and that is when I have the opportunity to fully express myself, even if no one is there to share it with me.

Although I am fairly new to the forum, my story is very much like most...I began dressing in my early teens, married 16yrs ago without telling my wife first, I've purged several times "for her sake", and have spent too much energy trying to 'guilt' her into sharing my crossdressing. My wife knows how I pack my suitcase, she even launders my panties while I am gone and puts them in my dresser without comment, but she is not comfortable with Dayna (she has only seen me completely dressed w/makeup once). I love my wife and kids more than anything, but I cannot change her feelings. I have told her more than once that if she wants me to stop, if it comes down to a choice between dressing and our marriage, I will stop. I will always be a crossdresser, no matter what I wear, but I will not use Dayna's clothes against her.

I think we all wish we had that special SO who will shop with us, make us over, buy us lingerie, and even make love to us while dressed...especially if she looks like she just stepped out of the center pages of Penthouse. What I have instead is a woman who I deeply love and respect, and I am learning to apprecaite the lattitude she does give Dayna. (I will tell you this: if I came home and found her wearing boxers, a beard, and a strap-on, I am not sure I would want to jump into bed with her..!)

Your time away is yours, and it is precious; I hope you are able to enjoy every moment of it!!

-d

[Sarahgurl371]

I can easily relate to your situation. How can something that brings me sooooo much pleasure, satisfaction, and even peace, hurt her so badly? It almost discourages me from ever dressing. Why do it if I know that it will cause problems? I am also in a battle of wills, just as you are. She refuses to accept, and I am starting to refuse to suppress. Julie said it in her post about repressing this stuff, it does not make the marragie better. I have kn advise to give you. Just wanted yo let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You can at lest take some comfort in that. We are here for you at least in spirit.

[Kiva]

Tuesday afternoon, 2 days after Kiva's day.
Quick flashback to friday morning...I thought, "Anything worth doing, is worth doing right" so I took off 100 miles to buy a wig. I went to an advertised CD friendly place, and went in total drap. Ball cap, and full camo. Found a nice wig, and tip'd the lady $20 for making me feel at ease. I also let her sell me an assortment of cleaner, conditioner, etc.

Kiva's day was fantastic. All I did was sit in a room, and change clothes, and fix makeup, while enjoying a bottle of wine by myself. I know...whatta wino! In between, and during all that, I took about 500 pictures, and was so very supprised what a good wig can do for you. It made me look stunning for sure. I was very happy with the results.

Fast forward to monday evening when i returned home. My wife glared at me when I came in the door, as I had shaved my 'stash. Always the sign to her. We small talked and I watched some football with my son. Eventually, I went to bed, being tired from sitting all day.

I woke up this morning with this barracade of pillows between me and where my wife sleeps. I got up and went to the bathroom. I was met by this glare of hatred. She left, never saying goodbye, have a nice day, f*** *** or anything. I opened up my laptop, and went to the folder that I stored all the pics in. It was a very discrete folder, tucked away in files. I found it, and what would you know? All the pics were deleted.

My wife was online as soon as she got to work, and I im'd her, telling her, News Flash! I'm a crossdresser! She said I wasn't "real" What I have is an addiction, and need therapy. I told her cd'ing is drug free, a great stress reliever, and harms no one. She said it harms her. Touchee' During all this, I was given the guilt trip. Shame was tried upon me, but I refuse to let that one work anymore. We bickered back and forth, and finally I had to go work. Around lunch time I tried to call. No answer.

Geez, I'm so pissed still. It's not because the pic were deleted. I can always take more. It's the controling attitude....gosh, she's im'ing me as I type this....so I'll fire it off, and pick up later ......

Kiva

[Shelly2069]

I'm 36 years old and a life long CD or transgender person. I've never married and not sure what the future holds for me. I've seen way to many of my CD friends going through the same problems with their wives and two have divorced.

Being a CD is extremely obsessive. Anything can trigger strong feeling for the need to dress up. I liken it to being addicted to a drug.
Not a bad drug just a needed one. As we get older, we learn to except our transgender side and can come to terms with the fact that it doesn't
hurt anyone. For us we can rationize dressing up, it's only clothes or so I'm feminine, so what.

Regardless, of the fact that all people should be free to express themselves in the way they feel comfortable. I see so many CD's missing the
point when it comes to their wives. I think how would I feel if my wife had this crazy urge to wear a fake beard, or stuff a sock down her pants,for example. As trannies we go way more than just that.
How attractive is a woman with a few stray hairs growing on the chin or upper lip, even. I'm just pointing out the opposite of what we do has cd's.
What if ones wife cut her hair really short and started to take on a butch look, not in cute way but a masculine way.

If the roles were reversed and ones wife started going out once in a while with other butched out women to alternate clubs, wouldn't you start to question what the hells up.

On another note most CD/TV aren't sutle in the way they crossdress. Most of us plaster the makeup on and sport short skirts and super high heels. How many wives run around looking like that?

Being a CD I'm not against crossdressing it's a major part of me. I just never hear in these disscussion this type of view point. I wish wives and all people could understand and except crossdressers, but
That's not the way it is.

Women go in to a relationship with a man, because they are attracted to men. How far does love really go in getting through all, I have no clue. Best wishes

Shelly

[Holly]

Kiva,

Anger is not going to resolve this issue with your wife. One of you is going to have to remain calm. From what you have told us, it is not likely going to be her.

Kiva, I'm not sure what to tell you other than please reconsider your approach with your wife. Obviously the, "don't ask, don't tell" method is not working. You say Kiva has, "good, caring qualities." Introduce these quaities to your wife. Let her know that CDing is more than just wearing the clothes. It helps define who you are. As you have already pointed out, there are alot worse things a husband can do than crossdress.