A latent transsexual

[Anna Lorree]

Do you ever talk to yourself in your own head? I do, all the time. I have been contemplating coming out to a woman I know, who is very open about being a lesbian. We get along very well, and she has remarked several times about how well she gets how my mind works, or how similarly we think. While thinking about how I may come out to her, I called myself a latent transsexual. About two sentences later, I caught myself and backed up, realizing what I had just "said". The fact that I had thought that didn't scare me, didn't hurt, didn't even feel odd. Just kind of a "Huh, OK", an acceptance.

I mentioned it to my therapist a couple of days ago. She got an expression on her face I can only describe as an "Oh, thank God" face. Seriously, she looked relieved, then asked me how I felt about it. The fact that I thought and labeled myself as that is, to me, a bit of a watershed moment. My therapist thought so, as well.

The funny thing is that after that, I did a google search for "latent transsexuality" and found this:

http://gendersanctuary.com/pdf/xdress/crossgenderidentity.pdf

The Late Onset Transsexual describes me pretty well. I had hints and notions as a kid, and a brief realization as a teen, but the train hit me in my 30's.

The question of what I want to do about it still remains, of course. When she asked me, I told my therapist the same old answer, that what I want kind of depends on what happens in my life regarding my family. That is the hard part, and what I need to figure out. I have accepted responsibilities as a provider, spouse and parent and I can't just shirk them to be happy. Man or woman, that is poor character and lacks integrity.

Anna

P.S. Sorry for all of the wishy-washyness. This is all huge to me. I know many of you have said "Just do it already", but changes like this deserve careful consideration, especially because I am a parent of pre-teen kids. And, I am trying to go back through nearly 40 years, trying to figure out what is nature and what is nurture, and who it is that I am and want to be.

[kimdl93]

You can be a transsexual and not fully transition. This is your life. You make the choices that work best for you.

[Laurie Ann]

Anna,

My therapist had a similar reaction when I told her I was a women. She almost jumped up stating its about time.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Anna,

Only you know who and what you are.
The time line to figure that out is yours and yours alone.
It's when all is said and done and is being rehashed for the 1000th time that those that have transitioned start tapping their foot and looking at their watch while giving you a "come on already" look.
You are not there yet. Keep exploring, keep studying yourself.


Julia

[noeleena]

Hi,

while you are walking you have time to think about were you put you foot for the next step , if you run you may end falling , its about make sure with in your self,
& dont ever be pushed beyound your self, no matter whats said , its your life you stand or fall as to who you are, not because of any one else. no matter what,

...noeleena...

[Aprilrain]

how about just transsexual??.............

[Pamela Kay]

Or how about I'm Anna.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

For you anna, and for SO MANY OTHERS...its all gonna depend on what happens with the dypshoria...

we all want to do whats best for our families, for our careers...who wouldn't??? I sure did...

but that's a trap... the one thing that none of us can say is whether you are ts or not...there is nothing latent about whether you are ts or not...what's latent is your own sense of your identity...
i bet as each one of us struggled with our personal arc's we tried on many ideas...and every time we had our families, our careers and social lives in our minds...trying to shoehorn the growing storm into the box of our lives..

if the dypshoria is a bad as it is today, can you live the rest of your life with it?? I know how i would answer in your shoes...i'd say yes...for my family..for my job...
what if it gets worse?? can you live with it...I answered yes to this too.....for my family...for my wife...of course i would...

but i couldn't.
all those high minded ideals about my family, my job, my parents blessings just washed right down the drain...and they became irrelevant to my survival....they were just words that meant nothing....my self lies all just blew up in my face..
the fallout of this realization was the most devastating moment i had in my road from realization to real...

scary, huh? well it is... and you are well served to look the other way at your situation....

Wishywashy FEEDS the dypshoria...its a symptom and a cause of it... a vicious circle....to get out of it, you need to accept an answer and test it out...in whatever way comforts you..

i want so much for you to figure this out for yourself...i know you are suffering ..

[Jay Cee]

I tried to wade through that article, but almost dozed off. :) I think that there is too much categorization in the world of psychology (whether it is to do with TG / TS issues, or anything else). I guess it makes writing papers and textbooks easier, but keep in mind that we are all very unique individuals that defy labels.

Wishing you success in figuring out who you are.

[Chari]

No matter where we decide to live on the gender scale, we must be comfortable and confident in who we are! Sometimes we can be our own worst critic and not proceed any further fearing some others may consider us "different". It is not that we all should or must wear a label to show the world who we are, but who and what we perceive our self to be as an individual.

[Rianna Humble]

I called myself a latent transsexual.

Congratulations, Anna! Your subconscious is at last starting to break through and allow you to articulate what you know to be true.


The question of what I want to do about it still remains, of course. When she asked me, I told my therapist the same old answer, that what I want kind of depends on what happens in my life regarding my family

I think you are confusing what you want with how little you will settle for. Until you are honest enough with what you truly want, you will keep turning in circles asking yourself the same questions.

There are enough people here who can tell you about responsibility to families and how that may or may not be affected by transition, but in my not so humble opinion, you won't fully understand until you decide the answer to the main question: What do you want for your life?

[Anna M]

That reminds me of a freudian slip I had chatting with my SO (who knows I am on the trans* spectrum). I was talking about a group of us were all fanning ourselves over a nice-looking guy and (jokingly) debating whether we should send him to fetch more furniture. I phrased something as "me and the other women", and paused as I was about to self-censor, realized my SO already knows about me, and let it stand and carried on with the rest of the sentence.

Sometimes our subconscious let us know things indirectly that we only consciously pick up on when we're ready to handle them.

Anna May

[ELIZABETH46]

baby steps, Anna, baby steps.
just one at the time.
if you try to jump ( to conclusions, ha ha ) you will get hurt.
i knew all my life what was inside of me, but not untill i was ready to talk, and walk, and admit my real feelings, exploring my beby steps one by one, .....then, I and my wife, concluded i am a TG.
don't know what the next step will bring, but we know now what side of the bed we sleep on.