Reflections of my life

[emmicd]

When I look back on my life I want no regrets. One song I get very sentimental over and cry like a baby when I hear it is the song Reflections of my Life by the Marmalade. It really hits me hard when I hear it. I can relate to it and as I go through my TG issues I feel so many emotions that I felt as a young child. Life is beautiful and I am very lucky for all I have done and for all the people in my life. I do however feel a complete emptiness since a void I have felt since childhood is still there in my adulthood. I have come to realize that I am suffering from gender dysphoria which has been with me all throughout my life. My biggest fear is that I will die never realizing my life as a woman. Yes I have always been a woman but it has been my biggest secret and right now I feel like I am going to come apart at the seams as I can no longer keep this a secret. In fact I feel I have to shed the male persona altogether and live the life of femaleness as I should have all along. What a crazy mixed up world this has been for me. I am 51 and I am now experiencing gender dysphoria once again and this time it has hit me like a ton of bricks and I am now starting to take action and work on a plan that hopefully will keep my family intact, my job in place and a life for me that will match to my internal makeup as a female.

All I can say is for all those who have felt or do feel what I do I would like to know what helps you get through the day when these feelings hit. I live with these feelings day in and day out and as I get older it has become relentless.

I just pray I don't die before I embark on this process called transition.

emmi


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79NiN7ISW7E

[Julia_in_Pa]

Emmi,

For years I felt like I was denying myself life by continuing down an obvious wrong path.
However, along that path I built a life of marriage, house, good job and security.
Many people ask me how I was able to transition and my honest answer is that a drive took over and pushed me well past that point of no return.
I saved my own life by transitioning but at what cost? Was my life worth the destruction of my marriage, and even my soul?
In retrospect I regret my loss to the point of sometimes extreme sadness and depression.
There was nothing I could have done about it like when a tornado destroys your life forcing you to rebuild what you lost.

You Emmi have to do what you have to do regardless of potential loss.

You have to rise above any ashes of your former life and begin you life as the true you.
I'm praying your price tag is ZERO for your payment.


Julia

[RachelOKC]

My biggest fear is that I will die never realizing my life as a woman.

Is it? Then do it. Don't pray, do.

At 25, I started to transition thinking I didn't want to be 40 and realize that I didn't do what I should have done. But then I pulled back thinking I wanted to try to live that so-called "normal" life. You know, the one with the house, the white picket fence, the 1.8 kids, two cats in the yard, life used to be so hard, etc. But then I realized I was 40, life was melting down around me, it was nothing like I'd imagined, and I was about one step away from jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Seriously, I thought about it HARD every day. I became everything I DIDN'T want to be.

So what do you really want? Then do it. Don't worry your whole life way and then regret what you coulda, woulda, shoulda done. Do it, and be happy. Be yourself, and don't be afraid anymore.

[KellyJameson]

Hi Emmi

Between now and transition try to find ways to emotionally experience and express yourself as if you have been unchained and set free.
For me my body and the culture in relation to my body both conspire to imprison me and this is a continuous war that I have always fought, sacrificing everything to stay free of others who would try to mold me into something I cannot be. I have kept alive and nurtured that sense of self that would not be me or in me if I was like the vast majority of men because what I have they do not and what they have I do not.

There is a natural rhythm to your movements that you may have suppressed since childhood, it is the sensation of your mind and body being one entity. It is experienced without thought but if you have suppressed moving in a way that was natural for you than you will have to unlearn by thinking to rediscover your birth right. One of the problems with gender dysphoria is we fight are bodies because in childhood they betray us by following the truth of our minds through movement before we learn to hide this truth from the world and than ourselves by moving (walking, hand gestures, etc...) as we see others do so we fit in.

I have almost lost completely that sense of being self conscious because my movements and posture are considered feminine and this has helped make being me more tolerable. I stopped walking like I taught myself to walk to look more masculine and now I just walk as me and accept that people make assumptions about me because of how I move.

For me I create an illusion that I know is an illusion to give me what my mind needs and that is looking feminine according to my own idea of femininity. For me it is less about clothes and more about how my actual body looks, no body hair, hair shoulder length, ect.., but each person needs to discover what works for them and I think it is a process that is always evolving.

I hope the price you pay is not to great, I was never able to have a traditional family because even the attempt would push me toward a nervous breakdown increasing that sensation of being suffocated and contorted. Living with GID for me was always having a tenuous grip on reality that only was lessened not relieved by understanding the problem, I still feel crazy but I understand why.

[Rianna Humble]

When I look back on my life I want no regrets.

Wouldn't life be wonderful if we never had anything to regret? Unfortunately, from what you have told us about your situation I don't think this will be possible.

If you do transition, you may regret the reactions of your wife and son.

If you don't transition, you probably will regret a life spent living a lie.

What helped me get through the day in the months prior to transition was having a target date to begin to make progress. It still wasn't easy, wanting to throw up every time I had to put male clothing on, knowing that people were looking at me and seeing him instead of me, but I had to cling to the hope that it does get better - and it did!

[Aprilrain]

All I can say is for all those who have felt or do feel what I do I would like to know what helps you get through the day when these feelings hit. I live with these feelings day in and day out and as I get older it has become relentless.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79NiN7ISW7E

Transition helps with the GID and antidepressants help with the depression.