My husband Betty book....

[Susan0102 GG]

Does anyone have an opinion (can of worms) on if I buy this book and leave it out for my husband to see.....could that be a conversation starter for us that is non-threatening...? I mean, that is if he even mentions it sitting there.... it seems an easier ice-breaker..... bad idea?

Buying him/her jewelry seems too far out of the box for me right now....

[KathrynW]

a BIG can of worms, I'd say...

IMHO, Possibly this isn't the best book you could select...

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Susan

Just a thought but would Tootsie or the Rocky Horror Picture show be an easier place to start

[Jenney Love]

It worked for me and my wife, though I am the one that bought it and read it first, she then read most of it. It did get us talking. You could ask this question to the author of the book at: www.myhusbandbetty.com.

Jenney

[susandrea]

Have a "movie night" and play "Dress to Kill", the stand-up comedy show by Eddie Izzard. You can rent it at BlockBuster. Watch it first yourself, you may find it interesting (and funny).:D

[karen fox]

Hello all,
A very good film you could watch together is "Just like a woman" starring Julie Walters. Buy it, put it on and wait till the end of the film.
It is very good!!!
Hope this helps
Karen

[crossing_over]

i was thinking.... maybe you could call him by a girlie name or something to catch his attention ..... that may be an ok convo starter .... like call him cutesy or something ..... or hmmm .... babygirl or something ..... like act natural and say it n see if he reacts and if he does just casually be like "i've known for awhile hun,... it's no big deal... i would like to talk about it though"


*EDIT*

or even mention you saw a nice skirt or something at a local store you shop at and tell him you were thinking of getting yourself one then ask if he would want one too....

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

It's a pretty heavy book to give him a clue with, but I do definitely recommend as mutual reading once you've had "the conversation."

If you get it, Helen recommends reading just the first four chapters and then setting it aside for awhile until you've digested them. Chapters 5 & 6 deal with things that things that may never surface in your relationship and are in my opinion definitely colored by the particulars of Helen's relationship with Betty. To her credit, Helen point out that many couples may not face issues around transitioning and sexuality. But it's just inherent with a "support" book that it focuses on the problematic things, which can give a skewed impression.

As far as an ice-breaker, I'd second Eddie Izzard. You can get a taste of him here. (http://www.eddieizzard.com/) (Warning, the site does automatically play sound clips, so you might want to turn the computer speakers down first.) Since Eddie is an "executive transvestite" himself and talks about it in his routine (along with lots of other stuff), it's a good way for you to talking about CDing first.

Tootsie or Rocky Horror aren't bad as alternatives, but since they're clearly comedies, it might be a little harder to broach the subject seriously.

[Sharon]

Instead of just attempting to drop hints that may elicit a conversation, why not just calmly tell your husband that you are okay with his crossdressing, and that anytime he wishes to talk about it with you, that you will be there for him?
If he's as deep in the closet as you have stated, I don't think he will acknowledge a book or movie. I think it will just make him self-conscious and uneasy.
But, if he knows that you love him, no matter what, then, hopefully, he will find a way to talk to you about it.

[Faye Emmette]

A Movie. Fabulous movie.
It's getting a bit old now but if you can get to watch this together, it'll change both your ways of thinking and open up a great avenue for discussion.
And don't forget, don't tell anyone how it ends :cheeky:

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I agree with Sharon. A movie is only good as a segue into a conversation, not a substitute for the conversation itself.

Incidently, Susan, it's normal to feel nervous about raising the subject. The way you're feeling is just the sort of anxiety we CDs go through before deciding to tell our SOs -- so that may give you a sense of why your husband didn't work up the nerve to tell you.

[_Janelle_]

Don't know of this is of any help, but I had my wife read this website since it had as good an explanation of what I was going through, and seemed to really help her to understand. Perhaps simply put this on the computer, and ask him to read it, and see if that opens up the lines of communication. Good luck. BTW I don't know what anyone else here thinks of this, it simply fit with what went on in my life.

Janelle

http://jenellerose.com/htmlpostings/darkside/ControllingtheUrge.htm

[Sweet Susan]

I know if I were your husband, I'd be so fricking happy that you were okay with it that I'd probably do the dishes for a week, maybe two.

[KellyCD]

My wife bought this book and it helped ALOT. She was trying to figure out "why" I dress. She starting to realize what I told her in the begining that it's a comfort thing. I just feel comfortable en femme.

[Dixie Darling]

Susan,

I go along with Sharon's suggestion. Crossdressing is a very sensitive subject for both the dresser as well as his wife/girlfriend. Understand that your husband, as are most CDs, is probably terrified to tell you his secret due to the fact that he assumes that you won't understand it at all and he might lose you on account of it. By letting him know that you're OK with it and you're open to discuss it, it will ease his worries a lot and you can proceed from there. Once the "ice is broken" hopefully he'll loosen up and talk to you about it.

In regards to "My Husband Betty" - it's a GOOD book and one that can fill you in with a lot of good information. But it's kind of straight-forward after the first 4 chapters. So as Darla suggested, if you get it, read the first four chapters then put it aside until you and your husband have had some discussions about it. You might also be interested in Peggy Rudd's series of books on the subject. "My Husband Wears My Clothes" is a good starter and "Crossdressers and Those Who Share Their Lives" is another.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[jo_ann]

there's probably more subtle ways, like maybe leaving a pair of panties in his underwear drawer, and if he asks and doesn't come clean, or you get too scared to confront him, u could just say "oops, put mine in yours by mistake".. a book might be too forward, but if you do get him a book, that's probably the best choice. I gave it to my wife to read to understand my lifestyle (she already knew about me though because I told her a month after we met).

[Lizzy GG]

Does anyone have an opinion (can of worms) on if I buy this book and leave it out for my husband to see.....could that be a conversation starter for us that is non-threatening...? I mean, that is if he even mentions it sitting there.... it seems an easier ice-breaker..... bad idea?

Buying him/her jewelry seems too far out of the box for me right now....
How did u find out your husband is a crossdresser? Is he leaving u signs? The best thing to do if u really want to know and love him lots is to bite the bullet. Are u sure u are OK with this and still want to be a part of his life. If he feels you are asking him this and cant handle it he will still denie it cause of the fear of loosing you, so make sure why u want to know. I have been married for 16 years and we still have issues that we deal with, but we work together. As am new here it is hard to hop in on a disscusson

[MichelleH]

Susan,

Although it may be a difficult subject to bring up (and it may be difficult for your husband to talk about), I think you should just come out and tell your husband that you are aware of his crossdressing and are OK with it. I don't know his personality, but I think that the vast majority of crossdressers would love to have an understanding wife who was willing to start that conversation.

MichelleH

[Krissi]

It sounds like to me that its not the subject, but how to approach it that is the problem. Sharon is right. The best way is to just sit down and have a heart to heart about his dressing. You might, instead of just sitting down on the couch and blurting out the dreded "we need to talk" Find a lazy weekend afternoon and go for a drive together. Alone, out of the house (no immediate pressure to have him dress). Start by reminiscing about good times. Focus on your closeness, slowly shift into some of his more gentle and maybe even feminine traits. Create an air of comfort, then tell him how much you love him, and how nothing he does upsets you. Thats the point that you can mention that you know he crossdresses and that you are supportive of him.

We all think that we have our secret well hidden, dropping hints with books or movies will make him defensive and uncomfortable. When he doesn't admit right away, he might purge or go into even deeper hiding and that could lead to some resentment. Men all dread the famed "we need to talk" and thats when its about money, or the kids, or such, imagine the automatic defense that would sprout up with that phrase followed by "I know you crossdress." I think my own heart just fluttered typing it.

As for the having the talk out of the house so theres no pressure to dress. We all have pictured time and time again, what the reaction will be when that certain someone finds out and sees us dressed the first time. In a situation like this, there will be emotion, and its hard to live up to that fantasy we have when you have time to prepare, jumping into it after one of the most heart-wrenching discussions ever will have everyone frazzled.

Just my 2 cents...and a nickel, and a dime, and....

[ctcd]

I agree with some on this thread that the movie, book, panties in the wrong drawer ideas are gimmicky that will scare him more than anything.

If you truly are OK with "it" then I would come out and say it in a casual passing way. For example:

You both are going somewhere (dinner, wherever) in the car alone together...or you are both doing dishes, cooking etc. and just mention it in passing like this.

" I don't mind the whole cloths thing. I am cool with it. Where are we going to eat, I was thinking of Italian"

He will be stunned and he may try to say, what are you talkin about! But odds are he will be totally disarmed and won't know what to say.

If you approach "it" as "something we need to sit down and talk about" then he will be spooked, in denial, angry, filled with self loathing.

I would just slip it in conversation.

:)
CTCD

[Andrea's Lynne]

A book that my wife and I found helpful was "My Husband Wears My Clothes" by Dr Peggy Rudd. We'd each read a chapter an write down issues/concerns/etc and then talk them over.

It was a huge help to us.

I've heard that "My Husband Betty" can be a little "strong" for some.

Lynne

[TxKimberly]

This post said EXACTLY what I wanted to say. Most of the subtle things (and some not so subtle) that folks are suggesting are likely to lead to both of you becoming uncomfortable. Pick a quite time when you two expect to be alone for a little while, and then say "There is something I'd like to ask you/talk to you about"

You don't NEED to look for subtle or even blatant ways to drop hints or to get the message across. Remember, assuming that he quickly comes to understand that it is not going to destroy your relationship, he almost certainly WANTS to be able to speak to you. Just talk to him and get it over with and you will BOTH feel worlds better.

Kim (dumb as rock but somehow still think I'm qualified to give advice - go figure)


Instead of just attempting to drop hints that may elicit a conversation, why not just calmly tell your husband that you are okay with his crossdressing, and that anytime he wishes to talk about it with you, that you will be there for him?
If he's as deep in the closet as you have stated, I don't think he will acknowledge a book or movie. I think it will just make him self-conscious and uneasy.
But, if he knows that you love him, no matter what, then, hopefully, he will find a way to talk to you about it.

[Lady Jayne]

Susan, My suggestion is that you log on to this thread http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=253447#post253447 and leave the computer switched on when you know he will see it, His biggest fear is no doubt that you will reject him, even if he suspects you know he dosen't know that you are accepting/understanding if he reads your initial post he may be willing to talk.