But Why Do We Purge ?

[Kim E]

I've noticed some of the girls mentioning that they've purged while others haven't. So, I'd like to pose a question to those of us who have. What is the real reason we purge ? To those who have done it more than once, why did we do it again ?

I'll admit I've purged 4 times over the years. The reasons for the first 3 times were always the same, because I was angry at myself and very guilty for having gender identity issues, thoughts, desires and urges. I wanted so badly to be "normal". This denial caused the purges, kinda like I'll prove to myself I can beat this, "I'm really a female inside and I was born the wrong gender", stuff. Wrong move, scooter. It didn't work.

The last purge was 3 years ago and a real beauty. I had fallen very deeply in love with a close GG friend, whom I had known for years. Claimed she loved me more than life itself. The white picket fence, marriage, live happily ever after, fairy tale stuff. So, I thought my life was finally on track, then that meant no baggage, Kim had to go. Before I moved in with her and her 2 kids everything of Kim's went. Gave away expensive jewelry, clothes and shoes etc to Salvation Army. But I did the worse thing imaginable. I had a photo album that held the evolution of Kim. From the old B&W polaroids of teen years, the photo shoots, glamour shots, pictures through adulthood. I would prove to myself how committed I was to this relationship and my new life. I burned the album. All burned up, gone, up in smoke. The relationship lasted a year and I was back on my own, buying clothes, shoes, cosmetics etc. Guess I'm a slow learner.

So, why did I purge ? Denial of Kim and all in the name of "true love".

Hugs ~ Kim

[Sharon]

Similarly to you, Kim, I purged all my belongings immediately after meeting the girl who would eventually become my wife. My thought at the time was that I would no longer need to dress since I would (hopefully at that time) be spending so much time with such a feminine woman. Dummy me, I thought my feelings would simply disappear.
The funny thing is that I realized my mistake within a couple days and confided my secret with her. And even funnier was that she was okay with it.
This happened twenty-two years ago and I haven't purged since.

[Jodi Lynn]

Purging - like so many others, fear, gulit, hoping to change, thinking about how immoral it is, religon. I could go on and on I guess. But for me the bottom line is I have done it and it has never been any good for me.

[Gale R]

I can honestly say i've never had the urge to purge because i've never felt that amount of guilt to say i won't dress again.
As for wanting to be "normal", personally i've never felt abnormal and since i came out to my SO i've never felt better.:)
Perhaps i'm abnormal in the way i cope with my feelings but thats me i supposed, a hard nosed b*tch.
Also on a lighter note i couldn't afford to replace all my bits ands bobs.:D
I do feel for all of you that have the need to purge.

Luv ya,Gale.:p

[Helen MC]

:thumbsdn:

This idea is as contrary and alien to me as gouging out one of my eyes or sawing of one of my hands! I just do not understand it! I have never felt guilty about wearing girls' and women's knickers and panties and other female clothing and I would actually feel extremely unhappy and strange if I had to wear male underwear after all these years.

To me to "purge" by throwing away or destroying your female clothing is as nonsensical an idea as a person who has collected stamps for decades setting fire to his albums, or a collector and restorer of old cars having them all sent to the car crusher. Mind you I have never been able to understand Masochism either! I still have some pairs of knickers I first bought 30 or so years ago and they are still wearable if a little threadbare and darned by now.

So sorry folks but I simply cannot comprehend such behaviour, far less comment on it from my own experiences.

[Shannon]

My most recent major purge was a bit more than a year ago. I was on a binge -- had just bought several wigs, breast forms, and a couple of dresses. Then I met a GG. In a very short amount of time, we became great friends -- she told me I was the love of her life. I didn't want to hide things from her so I tossed out everything. No holding back. We broke up a couple of months ago, and I'm more "Shannon" than I have ever been in my life -- and I'm very happy where I am right now.

The other times I purged: While I was married, it was so difficult -- only being able to dress maybe 4 or 5 times a year, I decided to toss everything rather than run the risk of her finding Shannon's stuff. After we separated and divorced, I went into therapy for sexual addiction. But I had a relapse and loaded up again. That lasted about a year, and while still in therapy, I reached a point where I truly believed CrossDressing was all part of the old me, and tossed it.

So, that's about 4 or 5 major purges....various reasons.

But this time, I'm investing so much $$$'s for Shannon that if the 'urge to purge' comes along again -- I'll simply box it up. No more tossing.

[Barbara Van Horn]

OK. I admit it. I have never purged, but then I really never collected much until I was in my twenties and married. By then I had confessed to my wife (incredibly we are still married after thirty-four years.) I do "purge" things that aren't related to crossdressing when the burden of keeping them becomes too great. I hate clutter. It sucks the life right out of me. Cleaning out makes me feel in control of my possessions instead of the reverse.

Blessings,

[KittyMuffin]

I have purged twice in my early teens, when I was "awakening" and thought there was something wrong with me. But I have now (thanks in large part to sites like this) discovered myself, and reconsiled with my emotions. I know I am really a GIRL on the inside and will graciously accept it! I am not afraid to be who I really am deep within and have no desire to stay on the male side.

[Stephanie Brooks]

But I did the worse thing imaginable. I had a photo album that held the evolution of Kim. From the old B&W polaroids of teen years, the photo shoots, glamour shots, pictures through adulthood. I would prove to myself how committed I was to this relationship and my new life. I burned the album. All burned up, gone, up in smoke. The relationship lasted a year...
<*holds hand over mouth, look of horror on face*>

OMG, Kim.

<*sigh*>

I last purged September 12, 2004. The purge ended January 7, 2005. Bags went to the dump - clothing, wigs, foundations. Et al. Almost. I could not part with my photographs. They're the only record I have.

*LONG HUGGLES WITH YOU*

Why purge? Why suicide? I don't know if the two are related, but I'd posit they're on a similar path.

"To be, or not to be?"

The person who knows suicide understands the second option; others do not. Perhaps there's a similar pattern between those who know purges and those who do not.

[melissacd]

For those of you who do not or have not purged, I take my bonnet off to you. For the rest of us, I feel that we do it because we have not come to accept who we are and feel that by purging we are symbolically absolving ourselves. It is a way of saying, by throwing this way I can get rid of all the uncomfortable feelings that I have about this abnormal side of myself. It is a gesture to say to ourselves that we can in fact rid ourselves of this and become the man in control once again.

For some it works, however, for most, sadly it is an expensive and hollow gesture. For most of us we realize that we cannot get rid of this part of ourselves no matter how hard we try. I know, I have been trying to get rid of this part of myself most of my life. It is only in the past few years that I am coming to the realization that I cannot and even more that I should not get rid of this integral and beautiful part of who I am. I wish that I had figured that out 10 purges ago.

Now I am faced with no wardrobe, a great desire to dress, a wife who totally does not accept this, me who is now coming to accept that this is who I am and some very tough choices to make going forward. I know now that once I begin to collect new clothes that I will never again purge them.

Huggs
Melissa

[Khriss]

outward imposed..."GUILT" eh?? ( (I feel better now hehe...kinda'):) xx"K"

[Helen MC]

I have NEVER had any problem accepting myself for what I am, even from early adolescence and as far as I am concerned the world and his wife either takes me as they find me or they can f*** off!

I encoutered hostilty only once in a place I worked some 30 years ago when one of the very butch blokes I worked with walked in on me when I was sitting on the toilet, the bolt on the toilet door was defective. Unfortunately I was wearing a very girly pair of panties with a floral pattern which could not be mistaken for men's underpants of any kind. Now as this guy didn't like me anyway he took great delight in telling the others and I came in for a lot of abuse "you dirty little poof" etc although I am heterosexual. This however did not make me want to "purge" my collection of knickers and panties nor the other female clothing I wore at home but on the contrary firmed up my resolve to be what I am and damn the rest!

Similarly with women with whom I have had relationships . As soon as things got serious and sexual I told them that I had worn women's underwear since the age of 12 and did so 24/7 and was that a problem? If they said "yes" then I politely ended the relationship, but if they accepted me as I am then things progressed and my ex-wife was quite relaxed about my wearing knickers and shared hers with me and even condoned my wearing a skirt etc at home and joined in the fun. We divorced for other reasons associated with money etc not my being a CD.

So I just could not see me ever wishing to "purge" my female clothing, if anything the exact opposite. If I do have to dispose of anything that is too small for example I will bag it up and pass such items on to a Charity Shop so someone else can benefit from it as I have bought some really nice items of female clothing from such shops myself in the past.

So my advice to anyone who feels the "urge to purge" is DON'T! You are what you are and nobody has the right to say no. Copy the Homosexuals and have PRIDE not shame in what you are!

[TGMarla]

The last time I purged was about 12 years ago. I guess it was one last ditch effort to quit, knowing inside that I never really would. I doubt I'll ever decide to purge ever again, no matter what happens. I like my clothes, and I think I'll keep 'em.

[Katie Ashe]

For most of my life, I would dress privately. Feel dirty and wrong. I would then toss everything I own. Swear to God, I'd never do it again. After a short time, go into withdrawls. I would secretly buy thing again. just to suit my fix, almost like someone who smokes. Then start the whole process over. It does get fustrating and become costly over years. I sit here now and say to you, I rejected myself as being different, hated who I was and what I did. I turn all my self hatred on the world, because I couldn't accept myself as being transgendered. I purged out of guilt and discust. Only to find I couldn't go on living without thoses Items. It wasn't a choice, it was a need. Everyones story is different, but we all have something in common.

I have found peace in myself for the first time in my life, after my 30th birthday, and wish I had the courage years ago. I got tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. I hope you can do the same.

[Wendy me]

i never purged i came as close as i could just this year i had everything all in trash bags and ready to toss it all .... it realy would have filled the bed in my truck .....i sat there feeling like i had to do it looking at all my things all ready to get tossed out then a real good girlfreind talked me out of doing it ..........
i was shure that purgeing and getting rid of wendy was going to be a good thing that this would just make things "right" who stopped my purge???
Julie J....i could not stop it was like i was watching and could not do anything to stop it it scared the hell out of me for shure......

[Sarahgurl371]

What a terrible question. Just kidding. Don't ever want to go there again. I have purged so many times I can't count them. It sucks. I think know, retrospectively, it was lack of self acceptance, which I still stuggle with. Some days are diamonds and some are stones. Fear Guilt Anxiety someone will find out I am this sick pervert. I did that to myself. I hope to never feel that way again. Many here have touched on this subject - does society have a problem with us because of the way we view ourselves?

Prayed to God many times to forgive me, fix me, some of you know what I mean. Those who don't, I envy you! This stuff is all so damn confusing. Add to a gender question a little Sexuality and you have real concerns about how the world will view you, let alone how you view yourself. I am trying though, thanks to this site, I have come so far in the last month, after 20+ years on my own. In the end, its between God and me, no one else.

I still have immense fear of discovery by those who don't know. Guess you have to face it though, you cannot hide in the basement all your life. I don't think that is living. I put myself in such a horrible place, I didn't enjoy anything in life, And I have a good one. What was wrong with me? It had to be this CD thing. I had better get a grip on it, for my happiness. So that is where I am at. Thanks to you all, wonderful people on this forum.

Purging at this stage, would be wasting a ton of money. If acceptance were racked up in dollars, I would have some to spare.

[rachel_jean]

I've purged myself on a couple of occassions the most recent being a few years ago. I 'quit' for a year or so, one time. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I really didn't have much of my own 'stuff', usually borrowed the wife's as she wasn't that aware of it at the time.

Eventually you realize that it's part of you and you can't just quit, toss is aside or lie to yourself about it.

Plus, the resources available today (this site for example) make you realize that theres not something wrong with you, you don't 'need help', your not doing something wrong, it's just the way you are. Live with it, enjoy it and quit wasting money throwing perfectly good clothes away ;)

[JulieNY]

So, I thought my life was finally on track, then that meant no baggage, Kim had to go... But I did the worse thing imaginable. I had a photo album that held the evolution of Kim. From the old B&W polaroids of teen years, the photo shoots, glamour shots, pictures through adulthood... I burned the album.

Just reading that gave me shivers. As I start to make my own album, albeit late in the game, I can only imagine. I also can relate to your situation.

I've never taken that step, and I hope I never do.

[Kim E]

Hi Girls ~
Thanks to all for responding to this thread. Its comforting to know that I wasn't alone in purging. I'm also very thankful that many of the girls have never experienced it. We're all different and we all react to life in different ways. Each of us are unique in our own way and through this and other forums, we can open up and find we do share common bonds and life experiences. We realize that maybe we're not as alone in this, as we thought. Its all part of us growing, understanding and accepting who we are.

Yes, I took the last purge to the extreme by burning the photos. Was it a stupid thing to do ? Absolutely Do I regret it ? 1000's of times Can I change it ? Nope All I can do is move forward and hopefully never repeat the painful and expensive mistakes of the past.

Love ~ Kim

[Jasmine Ellis]

5 years ago when I told my ex wife now that I love dressing up as a woman she told me it's her or the dressing. It took me 3 days with all my clothes in bag thinking about what should I do? Well, the bags did go......but so did I cos Jasmin wouldn't let go.

[Bridget]

Personally, i have never purged. But i chalk this up to several things. Early on, before i started accumulating a wardrobe, i saw a local television show which had a short segment on heterosexual crossdressers living normal lives with their wives. Also, although still my parents probably don't have any idea, my sister, and several good friends of mine were with me from the beginning, and were very supportive. So i was not dealing with this alone, i had people to help me feel accepted for who i am. And lastly, i am agnostic. So i have no religious or moral persecution beating me over the head. This altogether results in no sense of guilt, and an acceptance of myself. Well insofar as crossdressing goes.

[Helen MC]

Bridget, we have this in common that we do not have any guilt about crossdressing and for my part I really could not care less what others think. I simply cannot get a handle on why someone would voluntarily throw away their female clothing, it would be to me like setting fire to your car or trashing your house or even cutting off one of your hands.

[Fiona K]

To answer the question- Guilt
But never again
Fiona
xx

[Bridget]

Bridget, we have this in common that we do not have any guilt about crossdressing and for my part I really could not care less what others think. I simply cannot get a handle on why someone would voluntarily throw away their female clothing, it would be to me like setting fire to your car or trashing your house or even cutting off one of your hands.

The motivation underlying the destruction or removal of one's clothes is often the desire to stop, or a moment where the CD feels either guilt and unacceptance of her behavior. Though most of the time an individual might be accepting of their nature, they can lapse into guilt or shame for which they think their dressing is related to, or even not related to.

To use your analogy, a GG friend of mine was under a lot of pressure from exams, and her father was particularly uncaring and quite harsh. She couldn't take her anger out on her father, and couldn't let it go so, so she trashed her room, destroyed everything in her room. In a similar way, ones clothing, and crossdressing, could become a scapegoat for other problems, since it sticks out, as "unusual" or "abnormal"

[Stormgirl]

I purged because Im in a position where I get caught then I'd be in a "world of sh*t" :rollseyes: :mad:

[simonep]

Over the years of hiding my collection I have purged mainly thorugh guilt and fear of being found out.

Funny thing is, I told my wife about three months ago and after some concerning moments she accepted gradually. Now half my drawer is full of panties and she and I shop together. I even noticed yesterday there are more girls pants than boys pants!!

[ctcd]

This has been extremely informative. I have purged for years. Guilt and fear being the main reasons. Also, I go for periods of not needing to dress. It is nice to know (in a selfish way) that I am not the only purger. I haven't purged since I moved last year, but I don't have many goodies either.

CTCD

[Karren H]

Well I purged many times over the years until i realized that Karren is part of me and is not going away!!! And i just need to deal with her and get on with life!! and I'm having a great time! So stop pruging and get on with your life as it was supposed to be, not how others would have you pidgeon holed!!!!!

love Karren

[HaleyPink2000]

I'm with Karren on this one!
Haley:)

[Jiera]

Oh, I've definitely purged. I've thrown clothes out, donated them to the salvation army, left them in church clothing dropboxes, etc. And I've tossed some fabulous stuff, too (though there's probably some CD out there who bought it all up at the thrift store, which is some consolation, I guess).

I live alone, so there's no fear of being caught, really. I have a long and drunken history of going back and forth about this whole thing. The major reason I purged was financial--I just couldn't afford clothing and hobbies for two people, especially since, you know, you can never have enough shoes. And skirts. And panties.

During college--and just after--I purged for more psychological reasons: "what am I doing?" "what's wrong with me?" "I can't keep this up, it's just unhealthy," and so on. I'm over that now. I've learned (via the "Do Things The Expensive Jiera Way! Plan) that, even if I'm not dressing regularly, I will eventually, and that it's more expensive in the end for me to purge.

Ji

[JennyCD]

Guilt, emotional turmoil, a desire to "fit in".

[emmicd]

Why some of us purge?

I can only answer for me but I have purged to try starting fresh and repress the cd desire.

I have purged when my mother was dying, when I was preparing for marriage, and when my wife was pregnant.

Those were major turning points in my life.

As mentioned in a recent post I am currently partially purging but keeping the clothes I need to have.

They are my security blanket.

emmi

[Lotte L]

Dear Kim,

Yes I have purged more than once. The reason denial and wanting to be a normal person. Out love for my wife and out shame of getting caught with red tonails. Did'nt purge so dramatic like you but I'm not like you all the time dressed up. I would that could be my lifestyle to. Please do'nt purge again its a betrayal of your own beeing. Noticed your new picture, looks good.

Love and XX
Lotte

[belinda]

I totally agree with ctcd i am much the same way

[Raychel]

The reasons that I have purged in the past are much the same as everyone else, guilt and fear of being found out. I can't see that it will happen again though. I have told my wife everything about me, and I have totally accepted that is who I am.:D