Wish me luck

[Aloha Jayne]

Going to see the wife's therapist here in a few minutes. I'm going to help her, this isn't about me or what I need or want, it's all for her.

Wish me luck!

[Stephanie47]

Good luck! Don't let the session be turned into "about you!" At your age you should be moving into more peace and tranquility.

[kimdl93]

Good luck...hope the conversation goes well!

[Aloha Jayne]

Ok, so I went and it was interesting. But we're in big trouble. The therapist was nice, and I don't think she has an agenda. But I found it interesting that she hadn't told my wife she was gay. My wife asked me how it went, and I said, you didn't tell me she was gay, and my wife said she's not gay. She was a married mormon for 20 years with 5 kids and came out to her husband and now has a female SO (partner). That isn't a big deal to me, other than it was one of the first things she mentioned to me and my wife has seen her 5 or 6 times and didn't know! It almost is a good thing for our team because she understands being misunderstood.

But, from talking to her and hearing what my wife is saying, we may not be able to work this out. We are both wanting the other to "relax their boundries" and give in a little. My wife has said she will never accept me CDing in any shape or form, even if she isn't there and doesn't know. I know that I will always be who I am, and that will never change. Over time there may be a way to compromise, but it doesn't look good. Makes me sad, because we have had a good marriage for 23 years.

She asked me if I would be willing to give this up for 6 months, and I said I would be happy to if it would save our marriage. But then what? It won't change anything, we will still both be the same. And I would also be willing to see a sex therapist, but once again, this isn't about sexual identity, and not sure what that will accomplish. I think she was just trying to see if I was willing to compromise. Right now, anything is better than nothing, and nothing is all I have. I don't want to lose her, but I may not have a choice.

Sorry for sharing my therapy session, just needed to ramble a bit.

[kimdl93]

Time is your ally. If you are able to make a concession to your wife for six months then she'll have some more time think things through. It mast mot Chaney but at least you will know you tried. And if possible I hope your wife sticks with therapy. It may help her gain a new perspective.

[Genny B]

Thank you for sharing Jayne! I was nervous for you from the first post. I refuse to see shrinks even if to 'help' someone else. Hopefully the therapist understands where your coming from. Good luck to you all!

[Miriam-J]

So sorry to hear that she's taking a hard line, Jayne. It's hard to find much reason for hope there, but perhaps she'll reconsider after having seen your resolve to deal with reality and further discussion with the therapist. Good luck as this moves forward.

Miriam

[busker]

Ok, so I went and it was interesting. But we're in big trouble. The therapist was nice, and I don't think she has an agenda. But I found it interesting that she hadn't told my wife she was gay. My wife asked me how it went, and I said, you didn't tell me she was gay, and my wife said she's not gay. She was a married mormon for 20 years with 5 kids and came out to her husband and now has a female SO (partner). That isn't a big deal to me, other than it was one of the first things she mentioned to me and my wife has seen her 5 or 6 times and didn't know! It almost is a good thing for our team because she understands being misunderstood.

But, from talking to her and hearing what my wife is saying, we may not be able to work this out. We are both wanting the other to "relax their boundries" and give in a little. My wife has said she will never accept me CDing in any shape or form, even if she isn't there and doesn't know. I know that I will always be who I am, and that will never change. Over time there may be a way to compromise, but it doesn't look good. Makes me sad, because we have had a good marriage for 23 years.

She asked me if I would be willing to give this up for 6 months, and I said I would be happy to if it would save our marriage. But then what? It won't change anything, we will still both be the same. And I would also be willing to see a sex therapist, but once again, this isn't about sexual identity, and not sure what that will accomplish. I think she was just trying to see if I was willing to compromise. Right now, anything is better than nothing, and nothing is all I have. I don't want to lose her, but I may not have a choice.

Sorry for sharing my therapy session, just needed to ramble a bit.

Jayne, there is not any wiggle room in your wife's message. I interpret as you can dress but then you are out of here, or you can not dress and stay, but, the problem is, now she may have control over you in ways that you will not like. It can be used as a cudgel every time you do something she doesn't like. since the therapist (I always see that word as The Rapist) now has a same-sex SO, perhaps asking if she got the ultimatum as well in her first relationship. It may be that there are simply no options left now that you have outed yourself. The toothpaste cannot be put back in the tube. She knows and won't ever forget. That will chafe after a while . It is truly like blackmail. That is a hard spot to be in and you have a hard choice in front of you. I can only wish you well in your search for an answer.

[Carrie Ines]

Best of luck, hope its not as bad as you think x

[AnitaH]

I'm glad that you were willing to go to the therapist. I only hope that some continued therapy can help your wife ease up a bit. It can be very difficult for the SO to process and accept this information. As others have said perhaps time will help. I hope the best for the two of you.

AnitaH

[JenniferR771]

Don't give up. I have a similar problem (going on ten years now). And my wife convinced me to see a sex therapist because she wanted me "fixed". He said I had a sexual addiction, and convinced me to "come clean", tell the truth, apologize and purge all my fem stuff. And said my wife would likely forgive me, and we could make up, and steady up our little love boat.

Fine but after purge there was no forgiveness and no make up. She was still opposed to cding.
5 years later we are still together--although it can be a bit tense at times. Slow progress. She doesn't mind if I dress up while she is out of the house once a week. And also OK with an occasional support group meeting.

[StaceyJane]

The doctor who does my HRT is a lesbian. She never mentions it and I only know because I did a lot of online research.
Usually there is no need for a therapist to discuss his or personal life. I your case she probably felt it was important to tell.
Unfortunatly therapy really isn't going to help your situation, you should have asked her therapist if she would be okay with not being a lesbian for awhile.
You are who you are and you are the same person your wife has been married to for a long time. If your wife can't accept that it's really her problem.
I had a rough time when my wife found out about me but she came to realize I'm still me.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Jayne, you tried, be proud of your efforts, regardless of where this takes you. I know how much your marriage means to you and I really hope this works out for you. But hold your head high, and know that I respect everything you've tried to do.

[vivianann]

Jayne speaking from experience there is no way you can stop dressing, it is a part of who we are, and the desire to dress just gets stronger with age.

[Allsteamedup]

You cast it as your wife being the one not yielding but you do not seem to have had any compromise to offer of your own.

A good therapist will lead you to explore options and attitudes but you report none of this.

Read more M2F and you will find many on here who are unprepared for any attitude but their own. What would you like to offer your wife as a halfway house? A sex therapist might explore your relationship more and she might reveal that she feels it under threat from your dressing, for example.

Situations like this take years to settle. Maybe you should be more patient?

[elizabethamy]

She needs to understand that the need to dress is deep inside you, and that stopping is a foolish and impossible choice for you. I have made some progress at home by pointing out that the dressing is not the problem, it is the treatment for the problem of gender dysphoria. If I can resolve my issues by dressing privately on my own, then we can go forward together. Her compromise is not to condemn me or to keep talking about how I should stop and about how it bothers her to be at work knowing that if I am home alone I might be dressing. Who you are inside,Jane, cannot be altered. You can only try to honor who you are as best you can within the boundaries of your life. As Kaitlyn Michele has said many times, it's possible that there will come a point when the boundaries no longer work, but that might not be true in your case (and mine). But if she keeps insisting that you cannot dress, period, ever, no way, then you really have been emotionally abandoned. I hope your therapist can help her understand that. All the best!

elizabethamy