OK- so I'm scared.......

[ReneeT]

Yes, I have to admit it. For all my bravado, i am scared. I am scared of what my world will be like after i complete transtion, which i will not compromise on. Surgery is August 2013. I am scared to think of how my colleagues will respond. I have spent the better part of a decade building a strong reputation within my large global company, as well as to our external clients and partners, and I am afraid that that will all evaporate. I fully plan on transitioning "in place", but i am afraid that, for all our strong diversity talk, that, when push come to shove, diversity will take a back seat to prejudice and intolerance. I am afraid of these things, but, at the end of the day, I am more afraid of what will become of me if I am not true to myself.....

[sandra-leigh]

Have other people in your company transitioned successfully?

One good thing about the organization I work for is that there have been some people who transitioned while working for the organization. Some of them made the news, so if the organization was going to back down for fear of publicity it would have done so. Our medical benefits paid for the SRS of some of them.

One the other hand, the organizational climate has changed quite a bit since the last (publicized) case, and it could be that the new management would have problems. Not at the level of anyone I work with, but up in the stratosphere of management levels. (They would have had to fight against specific human rights court precedent, but unfortunately our current stratosphere is not above putting someone through misery just to discourage other people from doing legal things that they disapprove of.)

[Cindy M]

I admire you for having the courage to follow your dreams. Yes, it sounds scary... but if you truly feel this is your destiny, then I'd be scaired not to do it. Trust your feelings.

[ReneeT]

Sandra, i ork for a very progrssive company, so i dont think i'm too afraid of the official response. Its the unofficial response that worries me. I am at a division-wide conference this week and just cnt help thinking of how my position and how i am percieved my be radically differrent in 16 months........

[ReneeT]

I admire you for having the courage to follow your dreams. Yes, it sounds scary... but if you truly feel this is your destiny, then I'd be scaired not to do it. Trust your feelings.
Thanks, Cindy. It has come down to the lesser of two evils.....

[Jessinthesprings]

Yes, I have to admit it. For all my bravado, i am scared. I am scared of what my world will be like after i complete transtion, which i will not compromise on. Surgery is August 2013. I am scared to think of how my colleagues will respond. I have spent the better part of a decade building a strong reputation within my large global company, as well as to our external clients and partners, and I am afraid that that will all evaporate. I fully plan on transitioning "in place", but i am afraid that, for all our strong diversity talk, that, when push come to shove, diversity will take a back seat to prejudice and intolerance. I am afraid of these things, but, at the end of the day, I am more afraid of what will become of me if I am not true to myself.....

me too... You are not alone. It is one thing to know what needs to be done for one to find compleatness, but it's an entirely different thing when you throw work and family into the mix. I wish I had some ounce of wisdom, but alas all I can say is I'm scared too.

[ReneeT]

me too... You are not alone. It is one thing to know what needs to be done for one to find compleatness, but it's an entirely different thing when you throw work and family into the mix. I wish I had some ounce of wisdom, but alas all I can say is I'm scared too.
Soul sisters, we are......

[Pamela Kay]

I feel the same. The wife and I met with my cousin the realtor about selling our dream home this evening. It looks like we won't do to bad on it and will have enough to get apartments and pay everything off with some left over. It may be a little tight for my FFS in October but I will make it work one way or another.

I am only out too my boss, his boss, another TS and her boss in my organization, and the human rights department so far. Plan on telling the office in Aug/Sept and coming back as Pam after the FFS heals in November. It has been good and everyone has backed be so far but I'm sure there will be some issues with my coworkers. I'm also going to loose close ties with my wifes family that have been closer too me than most of my own family. I too am more afraid of not transitioning than transitioning.

Transition is definitely not for sissies.

[Anna Lorree]

Everything about this scares me.

Anna

[Stephanie-L]

I'm scared too, but I am more scared of what will happen if I don't become who I am. I am scared of waking up in the nursing home when I am 90+ and saying "I wish I had done that", I am scared of hating myself for not following through wiht it. Yes, I am very afraid of people at work, my family, neighbors, etc, but not as much as I am of denying myself. I think that is where you are too. Good luck to you Renee...............Stephanie

[StaceyJane]

I know how you feel. I'm really getting to the point where my fear is holding me back. I do have a very good job working for a company not known for progressive polices.
I'm a civilian employee of the U.S. Army.

I wish I could just you a big hug.

[Noemi]

There is only one truth. Go ahead and transition. You are doing the right thing, deep down you know it. I think you are so sweet to be so honest with us all, that alone lifts us up.

If you can, think about eternity, forever. Because that is what each moment is, you are shaping many moments to come for a long time. Do what you feel. And though it is hard, ignore the others, you have the truth and will always have the upper hand anyway.

I have not transitioned but work in the arts, which onto itself is a huge sacrifice, to follow my heart. But I have my truth and it is powerful. I am still here and I am doing well.

You sound like such a sweet girl, you are going to do well, people do not understand Transgender, that we do not choose this.

♥♥♥
Noemi

[Jorja]

I understand your feeling of being scared. It is a common fear. My guess is you feel this way because you face the great unknown. Are you going to lose some friends and colleagues? Yes. That stands to reason. I think you will be surprised at how many you will keep and gain though. If the company you work for is as progressive as you think they are, they won't even blink and eye when you transition. Remember, our biggest fear is in our head.

[Rianna Humble]

One thing I can guarantee is that your whole world will be different after you transition. You are ahead of me in having a date for surgery, so well done for that!

Jorja is right that our biggest fear is all in our head, you know what you need to do and are prepared to do it - that shows your courage even if you don't see it at the moment. If my experience is anything to go by, I have made more friends since beginning my transition. Yes, there are times that I wonder if this is holding me back at work, but I can't honestly say that it is. In my case, there was one person who tried to spoil things by his prejudice but it backfired on him, he resigned from the company and I'm still there.

[CharleneT]

In my experience, if you were honest and strait forward with people - did your work well and didn't play games ... they'll come along fine. The transition is way worse than being on the other side. Co-workers don't know what to do. These days most of my clients have asked "so, it worked out ok then ?" {referring to SRS etc}, I tell them yes, and then that is about all they want to hear. Their big fear is that I turn into someone else, or transition is a big topic etc. Stick to work and so will they. I think one of the big probs is that most don't know how to treat you, they will readily ignore the change in favor of just getting along and moving forward. Now a year later I can tell that co-workers have mostly stopped thinking of me in any "past tense terms" and just take me as Charlene. Time works in your favor.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Renee,

Of course your scared. If your were not you would not be human.
The " what if's " are sneaking into your consciousness.

The only " what if " that is needed in the forefront of your mind is the one you acknowledged which is what would become of you if you are not true to yourself.

Never damage yourself by ever turning away from your original course of action.
Resolve in the face of uncertainty is surely the measure of bravery.

Be brave sister.


Julia

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'm still scared sometimes...this is a big deal...this is not an it will be ok, here are warm fuzzies situation... this is business..

You are better than me!! I walked away from my corporate job because of what you face...plus i was not assured by lawyers that i was truly protected anyway ...
i guess looking back, i made a choice to protect my transition above my job...i was not confident that i could juggle both successfully, and in hindsight, i think i was right..
your resolve is geared towards transition too, and if your job situation gets rough, i have no doubt you will deal with it capably..

laws are laws...they do help us, but only to a point....its what goes on behind your back that gets you... people forget that its pretty easy to be "legally" fired, and then "legally" blackballed..

your best bet is to focus like a laser on your boss, and your bosses boss... its the conversations THEY have when you are out of the room that will seal your fate... with their unwavering support, you will be fine
....and if you are not, you move on...because transition is neccessary.

You are doing all the right things...you can always make changes if the time comes...

btw Renee...you mention your surgery date in this context...isn't that a meaningless date as it relates to work?

...when do you start to live as Renee? that's the real date
...you are certainly ready to do that at any time based on your attitude, resolve and appearance..

Also, i would recommend in your discussions with your employer that you never ever talk about the surgery in any way, even telling people the date...the only dates and things that matter are how and when you disclose your transition, and the date you show up in your best outfit...

[Laurie Ann]

Renee,

I am working with my therapist an HR department on the issue of transition which they have never encountered. I am scared to death with each conversation my company is a large financial services firm but I am their first. I am a leader in my office and have been for five plus years but ultimately he wil decide my fate.

[MC-lite]

@ReneeT: Your words ring true for me. I was an aerospace engineer and I lost my career about 15 years ago when I had a psychotic episode. I worked as a software consultant for 3 more years before the stress finally got to me and I checked into a psych hospital. I transitioned as a last resort (to get rid of the auditory hallucinations)

Now, I'm well and ready to get back into computer programming, but that's not so easy to do. Economic times are bad, I'm over 50, -and- I have to deal with the prejudices of the masses who don't have a clue about what we go through. Many corporate people feel that I'd create too much of a controversy, and wouldn't even consider hiring me. They'd never say it; They'd probably use my age as an excuse.

But I don't care. Nothing matters more to me than my health. And the synergy between mind and body that transitioning has provided for me is worth it's weight in gold! I no longer suffer from head voices and I can look at myself in the mirror without loathing what I see.

Despite what some may think, we don't have a choice. We -must- transition if we are to be comfortable in our own skin. I would -never- delude myself into thinking that I can go back to being that dark, miserable "man" that used to be me. I hated that man, and I love the woman that I am now.

But isn't that a huge part of what transitioning is about? learning to love ourselves to be comfortable in our own skin?

Follow your heart and know that there are many who understand and love you. They're sending lots of positive energy your way. :)

And never go back. You'd never forgive yourself for it.

Best Wishes,
:Miki.

[LeaP]

Everything about this scares me.

Anna

What she said. I can't imagine much else in life so personally intimidating.

Renee, you're already showing considerable courage.

Lea

[kimdl93]

Renee, I guess there's only one way to find out. There may be a push back, but there may also be some positive surprises and support from people you hadn't counted on. Best of luck!

[Marleena]

I agree with Julia, Renee. Being scared just makes you human. You are courageous though, like many of the TS ladies here, I can't even imagine what it's like.

One thing I will say and it may be unpopular to some. Transitioning fully with SRS is a personal choice. None of you ladies should ever be told you are less of a person for seeking a "middle ground". Everybody's situation is different. Go with whatever works for you.

[Kristy_K]

Renee I can't add to anything except good luck and it is so wonderful to be yourself. For me that out weigh the negatives in transitioning.

[LeaP]

One thing I will say and it may be unpopular to some. Transitioning fully with SRS is a personal choice. None of you ladies should ever be told you are less of a person for seeking a "middle ground". Everybody's situation is different. Go with whatever works for you.

Well, yes.

I can only speak for myself, of course, but in my own thinking about transition, SRS ranks pretty low in the fear category. Social transition is THE fear item.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Everything about this scares me.

Anna

list out your fears ...one at a time..then knock them down and see what the next one happens to be..

Renee's OP is a good example of how to proceed and fix your life.....hitting a real moment and suffering the fear of it is healthy and normal..and frankly, she could always call timeout, or make changes..and by conquering other fears first, one at a time, she is well positioned to make the smartest and best decision for her..

Ducking under a table as the chips fall just gets you crushed under a table ..

[ReneeT]

I really appreciate evryone's input and encouragement. I draw strength from it. What really got me thinking about my fears is being at a conference with a hundred of my peers in my company, people whom i relate easily to and whose respect i have earned over many years. As i was standing at the podium to address the, i had this cloud of doubt descend over me, wondering if i will ever have that opportunity again after I transition.

When it all boils down, though, i am most afraid of NOT following through and regretting it for the rest of my life. For all my fears, this is something i have to do. And will. I will not be crushed by the table(awesome perspective, Kaitlyn)

[Starling]

I feel for you, Renee, but at least you have already gone through the hell of breaking the news to your wife and family. Compared with breaking your lover's heart to save your life, how hard could it be to tell the folks at work? I understand about your professional standing, and those peak moments in the spotlight, but remember that as soon as the lights go off, the awareness that you're not living your real life floods back in.

I'm struggling with the same fears. I will almost certainly become unemployable in my profession once I transition, and that will be a blow. But I positively dread coming clean to my wife, who already sort of knows but deeply fears. I profoundly admire each and every woman here who has already faced up to that awful ordeal.

I wish you the best of luck in navigating your professional waters, but I have a strong sense you'll be just fine, with your skills and training, and the network of those colleagues and friends who stick by you--even if your new life takes some unexpected turns. I'm sending you good thoughts, as I try to "screw up" my own courage.

:) Lallie

PS: For some reason, I cannot get this program to drop the extra "news" in my first sentence.

[Aeify]

Renee,
I am so proud of you!
Hugs!!

[VeronicaMoonlit]

I'm still scared sometimes...this is a big deal...this is not an it will be ok, here are warm fuzzies situation... this is business..

That's right, it's okay to be scared. In fact if you weren't scared sometimes, that would be a thing to worry about.



btw Renee...you mention your surgery date in this context...isn't that a meaningless date as it relates to work?

...when do you start to live as Renee? that's the real date
...you are certainly ready to do that at any time based on your attitude, resolve and appearance..


That brings up something that should be mentioned. You've been focusing a lot on the "technical" aspects of transition: HRT, Labs, breast growth, electro, surgeries. But not so much on the social aspects I think. The GRS surgery is probably the least important thing in regards to interaction...people can't see the genitals after all even if it might be very important to us. As Kaitlyn said, the most important date is your "social" transition date, when you start living full time....you don't need FFS or GRS for that.

We also haven't heard much about your wife situation recently since "that thread".


Also, i would recommend in your discussions with your employer that you never ever talk about the surgery in any way, even telling people the date...the only dates and things that matter are how and when you disclose your transition, and the date you show up in your best outfit...

Right, good advice there.

Veronica

[Traci Elizabeth]

Renee are you out as a woman at work? If so, then how would anyone know that you now have a vagina? Surely you are not going to show it to them. :heehee::heehee:

[Melissa Jill]

Renee, you are by far a stronger woman than I. But I know that when the time comes (which I know to be soon) that I will be able to summon the courage to come out to my co-workers. When you need to, I know you will be able to do what you need to.

[morgan51]

I am full of fear as well but more fearful of not transitioning. I am going ahead fear or not. Time will tell how it works out Best to all on this difficult journey. Transition seems to be 2% pain lots of money and 98% pain.+still moremoney.

[Rianna Humble]

I am full of fear as well but more fearful of not transitioning. I am going ahead fear or not.

That is the best definition of courage that I have seen in a long time.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Transition seems to be 2% pain lots of money and 98% pain.+still moremoney.

This is the best definition of transition that I have seen in a long time....:heehee:

seriously tho...kudos to you!!