Should I go?

[ThisIsBob]

So our one and only GLBT-friendly club is hosting a Gender Bender Ball this Saturday. I'm going one way or the other, but I'm debating whether to go en femme or not. I'm very much closeted - aside from folks on here, only my wife, therapist, and one very trusted friend know that I dress as Jamie more than once for Halloween years ago.

The main reason I'm very much closeted is professional. I live in an extremely conservative town: College Station, TX, home of Texas A&M University and frequently referred to by LGBT folks as "Closet Station". I'm a computer tech for the local school district, and assigned to 4 of the 8 elementary schools, so there's the worry that a "concerned parent" would raise questions about the possibility I could "corrupt" their children. With Texas being an at-will employment state, they may not be able to fire me for being a CD, but they can easily find another reason if they really want to.

If this were 10-15 years ago, before camera phones and Facebook, I would probably go en femme without too much hesitation. As it stands now though, I worry.

Although I'm straight, my wife is bi, and has been getting more active in the local LGBT community lately. I've been supporting her in this, and trying to help out as much as I can as well, because God knows this community needs it. All of the tips from the drag show that's happening as part of the festivities go to benefit our local Pride Community Center, where my wife is a board member. I'm not debating whether to join the drag show, just attend en femme to show my support for the event and especially for the local trans community.

Ironically, I have no problem showing public support for LGBT causes (one glance at my FB timeline recently would show that), but public CD steps over a line where it's hard to play it off as, "I'm just doing this to show support".

I'm really feeling a bit torn. Thoughts?

[joank]

Yep and ask your SO for help getting ready.

[JessHaust]

Go!
Texas is not as uptight as you think it is. OK, College Station is smaller than big D, but there are very active TG communities in Houston, San Antonio as well as Dallas, so Texas is a very TG tolerant state. Plus, if someone takes your picture at a Gender Bender Ball, what were they doing there? Don't think they are going to go around showing the pic when they have to explain where they took it.
Worried about getting fired? The recent EEOC rules would put fear in any HR rep contemplating firing for some other trumped up reason just after you were outed as TG.
I think you will be surprised at how little most other people care about what you want to wear.
But these are, of course, just my opinion.

[Tina B.]

Bob, you work in a school district, I know they are suppose to be more liberal than the public at large, but people get real freaky about who works around their kids. I would think about it, long and hard, before I went out in public, where a parent, that knows you from seeing you at their kids school, that could be a problem, and if it's that big a deal, the local paper , and maybe TV could be there to cover it, and the crowd. You can show your support, just by being there, and even that would upset some, or you can go whole hog, dress and takes your chances! How Conservative is the principal at your school, and what are the chances of him finding out?

[DanaSt]

I'm always surprised at how the transformation makes me look so different. I would go and enjoy myself

[kimdl93]

I understand your concerns. But, I would venture to guess that if you anttend the Gender Bender Ball you could be equally vulnerable to the local prejudices regardless of how you are dressed. That being said, I think the odds are slim that anyone will notice or care. In fact, you may be less recognizable en femme. So, support your wife and the LGBT community and have fun.

[ThisIsBob]

Go!
Texas is not as uptight as you think it is. OK, College Station is smaller than big D, but there are very active TG communities in Houston, San Antonio as well as Dallas, so Texas is a very TG tolerant state. Plus, if someone takes your picture at a Gender Bender Ball, what were they doing there? Don't think they are going to go around showing the pic when they have to explain where they took it.
Worried about getting fired? The recent EEOC rules would put fear in any HR rep contemplating firing for some other trumped up reason just after you were outed as TG.
I think you will be surprised at how little most other people care about what you want to wear.
But these are, of course, just my opinion.
Jess:
1) I don't consider myself Trans, I'm a straight male CD. Sorry, I'm still a bit sensitive about labels.
2) Trust me, Closet Station has earned its nickname. Houston and Austin may be 90 miles away, but it may as well be light years socially.
3) The club hosting the event is also the only techno-oriented dance club in town, so there are a fair number of non-LGBT folks that go there at least semi-regularly. For instance, I've heard several of the (as far as I know straight) folks that gather at our local dog park every evening mention going on more than one occasion. This would actually be my main concern as far as "pictures getting out".
4) What EEOC rules are you referring to? Just curious, hadn't heard recently.


Bob, you work in a school district, I know they are suppose to be more liberal than the public at large, but people get real freaky about who works around their kids. I would think about it, long and hard, before I went out in public, where a parent, that knows you from seeing you at their kids school, that could be a problem, and if it's that big a deal, the local paper , and maybe TV could be there to cover it, and the crowd. You can show your support, just by being there, and even that would upset some, or you can go whole hog, dress and takes your chances! How Conservative is the principal at your school, and what are the chances of him finding out?
Tina: I work directly for the district central office, and am assigned to manage the technology needs for four of our eight elementary schools. Honestly I don't interact with the principals much so for the most part I don't really know how individually conservative most of them are. Frankly, I'm not so concerned about the administrators themselves, as the pressure they may receive from parents.

Texas A&M and College Station ISD are really two of the best chances someone in the IT field has of getting long-term work in this area, and both are very conservative organizations. Through myself and my wife (who grew up locally), I have a lot of ties in both schools.

Hehe thanks to the two of you for playing "angel and devil on my shoulder". :)

[xdressed]

My gut feeling from reading this would be 'go for it', but I do live extremely far away :/

[girltoy]

You could play both sides of the fence, and go drab with a bag of clothes with you. Dip your toe and test the waters, so to speak, and if you feel comfortable with it, change in the bathroom/car.

[Lorenqt]

4) What EEOC rules are you referring to? Just curious, hadn't heard recently.

Yesterday the EEOC ruled that employers cannot discriminate against employees or even applicants based on gender identity. At the same time, this might not be applicable in your case, as you say that you are not trans - only CD.

I think girltoy has a great idea, take your girl cloths along with you and change there. That way if someone tries to complain about your choice of cloths, you can ask them why they were at a GLTB event in the first place. A lot of people would shut up out of embarrassment.

[Chardonnay Merlot]

Plus, if someone takes your picture at a Gender Bender Ball, what were they doing there? Don't think they are going to go around showing the pic when they have to explain where they took it.

Jess, I like the way you think!

Bob, I can relate. There's certain people at my job I'd never tell and would rather not see me. I have neighbors who have seen me en femme and at least one had told me "I'm going' to hell"

I've also had neighbor tell me "Damn, you make one hot girl!"

Either way, "haters gonna hate". I like middle road solution. Go there bring some clothes just in case and if you feel the vibe, boot up the Girl Operating System and enter the game grid, Program. :)

If there is one thing I've learned real quick since coming out is there will always be some fear, the trick is if you face it and how you face it. The smile on my face is greater the frowns of derision from those who chose to be derisive.

[Barbara Ella]

Posted a link to an article on the EEOC ruling in the MEDIA section. It should help a lot, but that dones't mean that a place like my Alma Mater's town/s would even have a second thought about dumping you if a parent complained, and they would. If you are at all concerned about what the attitude of your employers are, I would not push the boundary. I would go, with your wife to show your support. No one can object to showing support (well some do, but they bitch about the sky being a pastel blue).

Barbara

[ThisIsBob]

Barbara Ella, thanks for the EEOC link! That's definitely good news!


Have you discussed this with your wife? What does she think? I would discuss this and let her know your concerns, as you've let us know them. Then I would make a decision. To me, the most important thing is to show your wife support. Period. To hell with what anyone else thinks or says in the district. Like Barbara E. says, you can please some of the people some of the time, but most people will have something to bellyache about no matter what.

The only question I would want to resolve with MY wife if I were in your place would be "Do I go en femme, or do I go en drab-O...that's it. It's her gig, let her set the margin and run with it. Your wife knows the importance of your job and she knows the importance of her duty, so discuss, run with it, and have fun! And let us know how it goes! :)

We've discussed it, and she's fine with whichever I decide. We're going shopping tomorrow night for a men's suit for her to go in anyway. That should be challenging since she's 5'3 with DD breasts (she's lost well over 100 lbs in the last few years, but the boobs are apparently the last to go).

At this point I think I'm leaning towards going en femme, but bringing a change of drab in case it gets too uncomfortable. My main motivation for not doing it the other (somewhat safer) way around is that I'm absolutely hopeless with makeup, so I'm going to get my wife and/or my ex roommate to help with that before we go. They're the ones that got me ready way back in 2001 when I went to the office Halloween party at a different job en femme (first time I ever dressed), and they did a fabulous job, but it definitely took some time and effort before I left the house.

[bobbie c]

good advice on the change of clothes....always have them ready.ask yourself what the main motivator for going in fem is and proceed forward.if the reasons are sound then go for it.we tend to fret sometimes when it's not nec....have fun and nice to support your wife...!

[Cheryl T]

Go...and who would recognize you as a woman that knows you from work?
Just because you did Halloween doesn't mean your femme face is etched in their memory.

Get dressed and enjoy yourself. Have your wife help with your outfit/makeup and such and just have a good time.

Besides, if anyone sees you there you can just say you did it on a whim to show support at a friend's suggestion. No one has to know it's something you enjoy.

[KellyJameson]

Except for three years living in Dallas I have spent my life living on the west coast and have a number of friends who teach in the public educational system and also are gay and the parents know and it does not seem to be a problem. If this is also true in College Station would this same tolerance not carry over to include someone who CD's ?

It is difficult to imagine how you could be viewed as a corupting influence on children and if a parent did think so it would show how clueless they are about whats really going on at the schools unless College Station is some kind of throw back to the fifties where people acted like robots.

Attend enfemme if you desire to but dress tastefully to remove the sexual overtones and give parents less ammunition, concerning makeup less is more and buy quality not quantity IMHO.

[JessHaust]

ThisisBob,

Transgender is anyone who presents themselves as the gender not assigned to them at birth. While this is a debated definition, it is the legal one. I am a completely straight, happily married man, I also am a cross dresser and that makes me transgender.
The EEOC ruled that all Transgenders were protected by the 1964 civil rights act. The was posted here just yesterday, but now the thread seems to have been removed.
Here is a link http://www.scribd.com/doc/90910497/EEOC-Ruling , you have to scroll down to read it.

[StaceyJane]

I live in the Fort Hood area which is really not known for being LGBT friendly but I've never had a problem going out. I would say go and not worry about it.

[STACY B]

Hell there would be no thinking about it for me ,,I would dress for sure an that way no one would know its you .

[ThisIsBob]

Except for three years living in Dallas I have spent my life living on the west coast and have a number of friends who teach in the public educational system and also are gay and the parents know and it does not seem to be a problem. If this is also true in College Station would this same tolerance not carry over to include someone who CD's ?

It is difficult to imagine how you could be viewed as a corupting influence on children and if a parent did think so it would show how clueless they are about whats really going on at the schools unless College Station is some kind of throw back to the fifties where people acted like robots.

Attend enfemme if you desire to but dress tastefully to remove the sexual overtones and give parents less ammunition, concerning makeup less is more and buy quality not quantity IMHO.


Kelly,
While I wholeheartedly agree with your evaulation, unfortunately the prevailing sentiment in this area tends to agree with what you might see from the comments section of an article on FoxNews.com... which is to say willfully ignorant and backwards.


ThisisBob,

Transgender is anyone who presents themselves as the gender not assigned to them at birth. While this is a debated definition, it is the legal one. I am a completely straight, happily married man, I also am a cross dresser and that makes me transgender.
The EEOC ruled that all Transgenders were protected by the 1964 civil rights act. The was posted here just yesterday, but now the thread seems to have been removed.
Here is a link http://www.scribd.com/doc/90910497/EEOC-Ruling , you have to scroll down to read it.

Jess,
Thanks for the definition. Learn something new every day. It is a little confusing though, since my interpretation of that definition would be that if it's based solely on presentation, I am transgender while dressed en femme, but male at any other time.

[DonnaT]

If your wife is dressing as a man, then your going enfemme would be a perfect match/date.

If you do plan on having an out, such as a change of drab clothes in the car, don't forget makeup remover :D

[JillofHawaii]

So funny to me since I had the same concerns when I first went out. Fortunately, a girlfriend told me to just act like a lady and put on my best face and that it would be unlikely people recognize me. Well, I had my doubts, but I decided I was so tired of only dressing up and staying home I would take the chance. Well nothing happened the first four times I went out. On the fifth time I had to stop and buy gas one evening. As I was standing at the pump in my tight red dress, one of my best customers drove up behind me at the pump. Needless to say, I was terrified. All I could do was act as if nothing was out of the norm. As I stood there filling the gas tank, he left his car and walked directly toward me and smiled at me as he went to his pump. I was scared to death. As he began filling his car, I finished up and started to put my gas cap back on; however, the "gods of fumbleness" decided to have some fun and I dropped the cap and it rolled to ward his car. Fortunately it stopped before going under his car, but I had to walk closer to him and retrieve it. As I retrieved it, I knelt down with my back toward him. When I stood up, all I heard was his whistle and "You look great honey." Terrified, I muttered a "thank you". Once I replaced the gas cap I went around the front of my car to the driver's side door. As I opened the door, my customer said, " Have a nice day, gorgeous." All I could do was smile and get in my car. The absolute rush of almost being discovered and yet not being discovered, but acknowledged as "gorgeous" was truly the best part of going out. Long story short, just be as feminie as possible and you should be safe unless you have some "tell-tale" characteristic. Good luck.

[Annie D]

I would be scarred as heck! I, too, am a public school teacher in Texas and the possibility of running into someone who knows you or your wife or who knows someone you know could be somewhat high, especially in College Station. That being said, I would probably go and be ultra vigilant and keep a very low profile. There is no reason to believe that any of the attendees are going to rat you out and there is nothing written that you have to stay for the entire event or even have to mingle. Your wife could be the buffer or even the person who introduces you to other attendees. That way she could screen to people you meet. Once you are there, there you are. Take a deep breath, leave the car, walk across the parking lot and go through the front door. There should be someone at the door either greeting or screening, so once you get past that point you should start to relax.

We have all been where you are now and somehow we got past our anxiety and go out occasionally and enjoy our lives ever so much more. Good luck with your decision.

[ThisIsBob]

So I went, and it was pretty fun. I honestly didn't feel any anxiety at all once I got inside the club, and only a little bit walking down the street from where we parked before we got inside. Everyone there was awesome. I even saw someone I used to work with that met Jamie that Halloween 12 years ago, and she didn't even appear to recognize me. The dancers were awesome, and I think helped us raise a fair amount of money for the Pride Community Center (we won't find out how much till next week sometime).

I would have had a much better time than "pretty fun" but there were a few major snags to the evening.

First, the friend that helped with my makeup back in the day flaked out (which I was about 90% expecting), but my wife and I had a miscommunication where she thought I already had all the makeup I needed and just needed help putting it on. I was just assuming that we would mostly use hers, but it didn't occur to me how very different our complexions are (she's very pale and freckly, and I have a fairly ruddy complexion), so yeah... her makeup wasn't very suitable for me. We had already spent all day trying to put together her suit at the last minute and neither of us really had the time or temper to try to figure out my makeup even more last second, so I just went without makeup at all. Though I looked decent, it wasn't quite as nice as I had hoped.

Also, once I got there, I got pressed into service and didn't get much chance to enjoy the drag show. :( The president of the Pride CC board asked me as the tallest (and most... noticeable) of our group to hold the tip basket he made up high at the beginning of the show to people would be able to see where it was. This was fine and no problem, but once I had done that, he then proceeded to ask me to circulate through the crowd with it up in the air to see how many additional tips I could get. I felt like as the most noticeably "gender bent" of the Pride CC folks at the "Gender Bender Ball", I was the most likely to get the most tips, so didn't feel like I could say no. So instead of getting to enjoy the show and the music, and try to tip the dancers some myself, I got to try to circulate as politely as possible through a packed crowd of people while holding a large basket overhead and try not to block anyone's view for too long a time. :(

Don't get me wrong though, it was still a fun night, and I did get several compliments, which felt great. :) I'll post some pics later in the week once it's been a week from the time I posted my "Walk a Mile in Her Shoes" thread. :)

[Lori Robins]

DO IT!!! Get all dolled up and go strut your stuff. Be confident and look people in the eye. You won't regret stepping out and you will feel great and wonder why you hadn't done it before. What better place than an accepting event like that.

[DanaR]

I look at it this way, if you get all dolled up and go, no one probably will recognize you. If you go as a guy, you might be recognized.:D

[Noel Chimes]

Glad to read that you decided to attend en femme. When I first read your post I could understand your apprehension about attending, however, sometimes we overreact to our own fears. And although you were pressed into helping out it sounds like you had an enjoyable time and put your fears to rest once and for all.

[JessHaust]

Glad you had a good time, next time try a d duck out of at least half the volunteer work! Its good to help out, but you also need some time yourself to enjoy these events. CD/TG events are no different than any other, there will always be 15% of the people involved that will do 100% of the work!

[ThisIsBob]

Honestly, I'm not so irritated that I was asked to help out, but rather that it wasn't planned that way. I REALLY hate having things sprung on me like that. Had they asked earlier in the week for someone to do that, I'd have been happy to, if I was going into the event knowing that I was going for the purpose of working. And I certainly wouldn't have shaved everything south of my scalp, resulting in a week or so of pins and needles on my legs every time I get goosebumps until they heal. :)