Getting in your own way and/or knowing when you're ready...(and a reintroduction)

[RachR]

Sorry for the length... :doh:

Some background: I'm not the "typical" TS that has known all my life that I was born the wrong gender (or I've been really good at supressing those feelings for a lifetime). I've always thought I was "just a CD" but a few years ago that idea came crashing down when I looked in the mirror after dressing up and realizing that the person in the mirror finally matched an internal feeling of self that I'd been looking for all my life. Since that day I started questioning what my feeling were about. For as much as I tried to ignore those feelings it only got worse to the point that I continuously questioned my gender identity, but still fought my feelings enough to be stuck in a limbo of "I don't truly identify as a man, but I'm not sure I identify as a woman either." Everything finally came to a climax a day last September I decided to come out to my mother as a CD. She asked me, "Do you want to be a woman?" to which I replied, "I don't know" all while crying nearly uncontrollably. I told her I'd been thinking about going to a therapist to figure things out, and she thought that was a good idea. Fast forward to the present....

I've always had a habit of getting in my own way. I tend to over think things and remain perpetually stuck; I also tend to give into fears, especially unrealistic ones.

Even after deciding to seek therapy it took me almost 2 months before I finally picked up the phone to make that first appointment. After coming to some acceptance of myself I made the decision to "start" transition. My first step was to begin facial hair removal; I had made my first appointment but had to cancel, and it took me almost 2 months to reschedule. It took talking to my therapist about fears of transition, and realizing that most had no substance but I was allowing them to hold me back. Around the same time I finally made the push to go out dressed as myself. I don't think I pass, but I was sick of hiding.

So now it's about a month later and I've started to seriously consider starting HRT, but I have that feeling of getting in my own way. My last therapy session focused on "am I ready to start HRT?" I have this idea of an ideal time frame for going full time, and I'm realizing that probably isn't going to happen. I had it in my head that I would start HRT sometime late fall, but here I am thinking about starting now. So I think to myself, "is it too soon?" I feel like I'm making excuses to keep from taking that step. It's a big deal so it deserves consideration, but to what extent? As my therapist put it, "How many times does the train have to pass by before you jump on?"

I have no desire to be a "long term" transitioner”. I know I need to transition and I need to do it now. Yet here I sit wondering if I'm ready for the next step. As I told a friend of mine, "I know I'm ready, but I don't feel like I'm ready." It seems I keep getting in my own way. At least my therapist said she won't let me keep second guessing myself.

I've been seeing allot of posts where the general theme has been "I don't know what to do," and wondered how much of it is in our own heads; so much so that we don't see the reality of things.

-Rach

[Badtranny]

I have no desire to be a "long term" transitioner”. I know I need to transition and I need to do it now. Yet here I sit wondering if I'm ready for the next step. As I told a friend of mine, "I know I'm ready, but I don't feel like I'm ready." It seems I keep getting in my own way.

Wow Rach you are hitting all the bells on this one.

I've got plenty to say and I'm not going to be overly tender about it because you sound like you could use a nice tall glass of reality. First of all, transition is a looooong process. You can go full time tomorrow and start transition, or you can start transition and go full time in a couple of years, or anywhere in between, but regardless of your presentation, there is a LOT of work to be done. These things that you are "considering" like hair removal and HRT are not negotiable, they need to get underway. If you are having trouble with the most fundamental steps TOWARDS transition, than you are simply not ready. Getting hair removed from your face is one of the most important and at the same time the most innocuous step you can take towards your goal. It takes years to complete and even after it's done, you can still go back to presenting as a man with absolutely no problems. HRT is another thing that literally takes a couple of years to show any significant results. Any waffling at this stage only results in needlessly pushing back your goal, which will take a minimum of two years before you can even hope to be passable.

Another thing that is a good measure of readiness, is coming out. There is no such thing as a secret transition if you're really committed, so you will eventually have to tell everyone what's going on. Based on your pic, you have a lot of work to do, you will be losing weight and growing your hair and the HRT will eventually be making changes to the skin on your face. People in your life will be noticing the physical changes as well as the other work you will be doing with your presentation and voice. Some will disagree but I say that there is no way a person involved in a serious transition can keep it a secret. If you're not ready to come out, then you're not ready to transition.

If you don't know if you're ready, than you're not ready it's as simple as that. Transition is a long and brutal process, and if you're this conflicted about even getting started than how will you be able to handle the rough stuff?

[Jorja]

I have to agree with you. We do get in our own way and most if not all of our major reasons/excuses are in our heads. Now, I will admit that there are situations where family and other obligations are a consideration especially where children are involved. From now on each time you get that "feeling of getting in your own way", you need to proceed with the task because that will move you forward. PM me your therapist's name and address and I will send them a whip and a cattle prod to help keep you moving. ;)

[RachR]

Thank you, Melissa! I do need some doses of reality.
Taking those fundamental steps towards transition obviously have given me problems. I did finally start the facial hair removal and I know it's going to take a long long time before it's done. I absolutely agree that waffling only pushes back my goal. I can't keep putting these things off when I know it'll just make a long process longer. My idea of "long term transitioner" is keep putting things off for whatever reason and the goal never getting any closer. Putting off HRT will only keep me in that state. I didn't mention coming out because I didn't think it mattered for my post, but I'm glad you brought it up. I have told the people close in my life that I intend to transition; one friend I hadn't seen for a while, and when we saw each other again she asked me why I was growing my hair and I told her; so something as simple as growing out my hair hasn't gone unnoticed. I'm lucky in that everyone I've told, friends and family, has been supportive, at least initially; they could always change their mind. Work isn't an issue at the momment as I'm back in school and I have a handle on my finances enough to at least take care of therapy, hair removal and HRT until I graduate and have a job (assuming I can get one, and I know work will become an issue sooner rather than later).

Jorja,
I was just talking to my best friend about this and she told me, "stop listening to your head.....your head is what is holding you back!" You two are definitely right in that I need to tell my head to shut up and move on with it. I think a cattle prod would definitely help, lol.

-Rach

[Badtranny]

Thank you, Melissa! I do need some doses of reality.

Well, that speaks well of you, this journey is gonna take some thick skin. ;-)

You know, aside from my earlier remarks, the timing is all up to you, I just wanted to get across that it takes a long time so you will need single minded commitment to make it through. You'll need it in the beginning because you won't see any results at all for many months no matter how hard you work and if you're not focused and committed, you won't stick with it. Later that single minded determination will serve you as you deal with people noticing changes you haven't even noticed and navigating the various attitudes and questions that come along with it.

Coming out is a totally manageable process and you will get stronger and more confident as you grow through the steps but people sometimes delude themselves into thinking it will be easier than it is. Coming out is exactly as terrifying as you think it is, at first, but it is something that must be done. When is totally up to you, but the time to do it can sneak up on you while you are busy with the business of becoming. Transition is not a lark, it is a major event in your life and should be approached with a clear and serious mind, but paralysis by analysis doesn't get you anywhere and it's exhausting for your poor friends.

At this stage there are a few things you can do to prove to yourself and others that you're serious but still leaving yourself open just in case you eventually learn it's not for you. The first thing is losing weight. This is vital because a 6ft woman only weighs 160-170lbs or something like that. I know there are plenty of heavier women, but we are born men so our physiology doesn't allow us to carry extra weight in a very feminine manner. Start dropping weight immediately because it gets much more difficult after a year or so on HRT. Do as much electrolysis as you can afford because you will inevitably be ready to go full time, before your facial hair is all gone. I swore I would wait until I was finished but I'm full time since I returned from FFS and I have at LEAST 6 months left of electrolysis.

There are a million reasons NOT to transition, and only one reason to do it. If this is truly your path, than get convicted and go for it with gusto. I wish you the best.