Would this qualify as deceit?

[Foxglove]

Hi, Guys and Girls!

I have to confess that I'm not terribly high tech. I'm the literary sort and had to be dragged kicking and screaming into the computer age. I didn't buy my own PC until it became absolutely essential for my work.

However, I have seen some of the advantages of it. E.g., given that I live on the opposite side of the Big Water from virtually all my family, Skype is a great innovation. Instead of paying an arm and leg to talk for five or ten minutes on the phone, just Skype them and talk as long as you like for free. (Why do they give it to you for free?)

I talk to my dad and my sister fairly often. They have a video cam, and they've been urging me to get one as well, and my reply has always been, "Yeah, well, maybe I'll do that some day." And they just laugh because they're familiar with my dislike of complicated technology.

Although in this case they're mistaken: that's not why I don't have a video cam connected to my PC. Can anyone guess the real reason why I don't? Think about it. Take your time.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick . . . Yes! We have a winner! Your gift certificate for Victoria's Secret is on its way.

My dad skyped me a couple of nights ago, and we talked for about 40 minutes. There was some good news and some bad news, and I could see him, but he couldn't see me. Fortunately for him, because I was fully dressed. He's past 80, in fairly good health--but I think the sight of me might have finished him. I'm not out to any of my family.

But to talk like this on skype while remaining invisible--would that qualify as deceit?

I've been thinking lately about what a nuisance TGism is in a way: it's so divisive. No telling how my family would react if they knew, but I'm not sure at all they'd like it. I know my dad wouldn't.

Also, lately I've watched a couple of films/videos that concern the reaction of a family to learning that one of their members is TG. It really bothers me in a way to see how upset they get--as if TGism is anything to get upset about, as if it's some sort of serious mental or physical handicap, as if it brings some huge tragedy into people's lives.

One thing I learned from my dad was that just by coincidence both my sister and brother were diagnosed with arthritic hips on the same day. Arthritis is a tragedy. I had an aunt who was crippled by it. But TGism isn't a tragedy. The only time it cripples anybody is when they try and repress it.

But I don't let my dad know. I know well how he'd react. I don't let him see me. I stay out of sight. So does that qualify as deceit?

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Marleena]

Hi Annabelle.:) Nope not deceit, non-disclosure which is the safest way to handle your circumstance since you know how your dad will react. The fact he is in ailing health makes it a smart decision. We do not need to tell anybody other than our SO's unless we intend to go 24/7, then the cat is out of the bag.

[Tina B.]

Not at all, when I'm talking on the phone, or instant messenger, it does not matter what I'm wearing, I don't describe it to who I'm talking to. I'm not going to tell my 93 year old mother either, I think it would confuse her more than it would help me. I also avoid using a camera with my computer, although my son gave me one, it's never convenient to drag out, unless I'm in drab, other wise, it's in the other room packed away in the computer bag. It's like phone calls, you don't have to answer, just because someone call, maybe it's a bad time, well you don't have to put yourself on exhibit on demand either.
Tina B.

[suzy1]

Your post is very interesting Annabelle in that it highlights how different we all are.

There is you worrying about being deceitful while it has never even entered my head!
So why not see it this way. By not letting your dad know you could be saving him from a coronary!
But joking aside you say you know how he will react so you are doing him a kindness by not telling him.

I am all for having a conscience but just sometimes its worth putting it back in the box girl

SUZY

[Foxglove]

OK, thanks, girls. It's just that I felt funny talking to him all that time, knowing how he'd react if he could see me. It is something of a double life I'm leading right now.

Annabelle

PS. Thanks to you, too, Suzy. I didn't see your post before I posted mine. Yes, maybe my conscience is a bit finicky at times. The whole situation was a bit funny in a way, so maybe that's how I should view it. A.

[DanaR]

.............................. I stay out of sight. So does that qualify as deceit?............
I would say no, so you are good.

[AllieSF]

Annabelle, I would call what you are doing as one of your personal privacy decisions. There is no "need" to know or to come out, unless maybe you are living and working full time as a woman and only your distant family and long distance friends are in the dark. Then it may boil down to a "need" to know analysis. You are keeping a secret from them, but then do you know all their secrets too? No, because they are also keeping their secrets private. So, until the world becomes a "no secret" place, we will all have them and we will all have our rights to keep them just that, secret!

[Foxglove]

You are keeping a secret from them, but then do you know all their secrets too? No, because they are also keeping their secrets private. So, until the world becomes a "no secret" place, we will all have them and we will all have our rights to keep them just that, secret!

Allie, honestly, I have a hard time imagining anybody in my immediate family keeping a secret that would interest me very much--but I take the point. It's true that I've never inquired into their private lives, though again that's because I've never known anything about their private lives that interested me particularly.

Thanks to you and Dana for your replies.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[reb.femme]

Hi Annabelle,

My son came out as gay many years ago, he was openly rejected by my parents. Prior to that he had been welcomed with open arms. My mum even washed the toilet round after he had used it. He was truly hurt by this and I could never really respect my parents after that. Almost loathing them.
Maybe they thought you could catch 'gay'. God only knows what their reaction would be if they were alive to see me.

So no, not deceit, common sense, as only you can truly know your family.
Nobody need know unless you need them to know. As Suzy said and I totally agree, put the conscience back in it's box :).

Rebecca

[gender_blender]

No, you'd likely do the same thing if you were naked (fresh out of the shower, for example). It's more about privacy than deception.

[sandra-leigh]

I don't put the pictures of me dressed on my family facebook page. I also don't put the pictures where I was caught yawning or on a bad-hair-day; or the pictures showing exactly how dusty my bedroom really is. Nor do I post pictures of The Basement That Ate New York. Guess I'm just a natural-born liar.

[Kaz]

I deceive people every day... it is my job. I teach. I communicate things that I may not necessarily believe in, but I do invite challenge and debate and I want to challenge 'received wisdom'. But I still deceive... not intentionally...

[Laura912]

Annabelle, if you need lessons in deceit, go visit congress. There that should stir up the hornets nest. You were not practicing deceit. What you did you did from love for your father.

[Tara D. Rose]

Of course not Annabelle. It is not ceceit. We have the choice to tell who we want to. The only real obligation for the disclosure of our dressing would be only to our wives.
I have actually talked on the phone to my sister a few times while I was Tara, and my wife would say to me afterwards, that she couldn't understand how my sister couldn't tell because of the voice I was using. But the truth is my sister could not tell and I don't feel I was deceiving her as well.

[Frédérique]

But I don't let my dad know. I know well how he'd react. I don't let him see me. I stay out of sight. So does that qualify as deceit?

I used to crossdress right under my father’s nose, which was fun and dangerous, but I never wanted to tell him, or let him see me. He was old, and in poor health, while I was going through my “golden age” of CD’ing – I knew he wouldn’t appreciate what I was doing, but, in a sense, our close relationship, mutual understanding, and room for freedom allowed my crossdressing experiments in the first place. Was it deceitful to not tell him? Not in my (our) case, since he was very much a man’s man, in a different world from my own, even though we shared the same space, the same over-sexed nature, and even the same name! My father was a control freak, in modern parlance, so any deviancy on my part would’ve been met with intolerance, pushing us apart during a period when we needed each other the most…

I don’t see how hiding something that might hurt someone (including yourself) can possibly be deceitful, but one circumstance does not fit all… :straightface:

[Polly Sharp]

What we choose to reveal to anyone we speak to in this way is up to us. To me I would consider that I am talking to my dad, he's known me all my life and has his own image in his mind of how I look, as I do him - regardless of who has a camera switched on. It matters not if I am naked, wearing male clothing or female. We are talking, that's all. No deceit involved. It's my choice not to have a webcam connected and I would use the excuse 'what if I forgot about the camera and I got out of the shower to answer' ?

Who I choose to tell about personal things is up to me. My wife knows, because she needs to. I'm in a relationship with the woman, and she is here to see me of course.

As it happens, my parents did know as Dad found my stash a couple of times and Mum was annoyed that I had more underwear than she had at the time! It wasn't something they felt they could discuss with me, and I didn't see any reason to cause issues by bringing the subject up with them.

[suchacutie]

This is completely about privacy, yours and his! Many posts here have reminded us that sharing our transgendered nature not only affects us, but the people with whom we share!

You could get the camera and then only skype as en homme :)

[April_Ligeia]

Really hard to think of this as deceit, I don't think anybody tells everybody everything about themselves, I think most people have secrets. We just happen to talk about one of them on this forum.

[Eryn]

Not revealing something that you know will hurt someone else is far from deceit. It can, in fact be considered honorable depending upon the circumstances.

Who would gain from your father's knowing of your CDing? You wouldn't, and your father certainly wouldn't. Who does your lack of disclosure hurt? Nobody. You've made the correct choice.

[Marguarite]

Annabelle, No this isn't deceit, we live our whole life telling little white lies or omissions to spare other peoples feelings. What daddy doesn't know won't hurt him.

[Foxglove]

Well, everybody seems to agree on this, so I suppose I'll carry on as usual.


Well it's been nice talking to you son...by the way your web cam is on.
Night night.
:)

This is precisely why I don't even have one in the house. I know I'd forget about it sooner or later. And if I had it off, how would I justify that? "I got my face kicked in outside the bar Saturday night, so you don't want to see me." Better not to have one at all.

Thanks to everyone, Annabelle

[kimdl93]

No its not deceit. You are entitled to be as open as you deem appropriate. Why risk alienating anyone if it isn't necessary.