Would you tell or not tell?

[crossdressersfriend GG]

I was just sitting here wondering about if honesty is always the best policy when it comes to CDing??

I have talked to my CDing friend a few times about telling his SO and he says he will never tell her because she'd leave him. They've been together for 20 years, he's in his 40s and she's 20 years older and very old fashioned. She doesn't know about the dressing and he swears he'll never tell her.

I don't push him either way other than to say she loves you and you should try to maybe ease her into it and tell her somehow. It bothers me that he can't be himself with the person he loves and that she wouldn't love him anymore because of who he really is?

So if you were him would you tell her? Or not?

[stacycoral]

Sounds like your friend as a problem, and maybe she knows best, my self, i told my so before we were married some 20 years ago, my personal dress has come in stronger inthe last 5 years again, I also have heard many stories good and bad, a few months ago a new girl here on site, had her SO found out, and she had to quick the site, and sounded very trouble about keeping her married going. And there is many good reports of SO ok with it. The way your talking i guess i would have to say not. It would be very hard to not want to tell her, YOu can't be total free with yourself, if you can't show all of yoiu, I wish your friend well.

[5150 Girl]

I don't know, but I think a long term relaton hsip like the 20 year deal should be handled on a case bu case basis. How-soeme-ever......... I do thoughly belive that it is important to be up front in a new relatonship. Your SO will at some point find your stash, and you will eihter be in troble for keeping such a big seacrete, or, you will be accuesed of having an afair, or whatever other conclusions one may jump to

[crossdressersfriend GG]

Now that I reread my post I see something sort of funny. It bothers ME!?? Well who the hell am I!?? LOL It's not my descision and I totally get that and it's not my life or my choice. I can't even help make this descision.

Maybe it doesn't even bother HIM!? Maybe he's so used to hiding that he doesn't care anymore? So why tell if he's ok with how things are?

I guess that's possible too?

OK my brain hurts from going in circles, I'm going to bed! But keep the posts coming!

[Marleena]

Based on what you've told us here crossdressersfriend my answer is no!

Why? 2 reasons

1. He's living the "big lie" he knows he's CD and not telling her so it will get ugly.

2. He knows her well and what the outcome will be.

But he is living on borrowed time in the relationship, she might catch him. If there are kids involved it gets even messier. It's a depressing way to live that's for sure. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes..

[Cynthia Anne]

I think the best part of this thread is you admitting you made a boo boo! I can tell you are very special and caring in admitting that it's not your affair! To be honest is always the best policy unless the inicent are the ones that will suffer by doing so! I can say yes I would tell, but that's the way I am! So I have to let it be there situation and let what ever is best for them!
ps. I don't even know who you are! But I can tell I like you! Hugs!

[Eryn]

It's an individual decision. It seems to me that a relationship of 20 years that can't weather the disclosure of CDing is rather shallow, but there are all sorts of relationships.

If your friend is willing to live with the worse consequences if (or more precisely, when) the CDing is discovered then he might decide that keeping the secret is best for him.

If the secret is causing him stress to the point where it is damaging the relationship (my situation) then a controlled disclosure might be the more prudent course despite the more immediate risk.

[Barbara Ella]

It is just so wonderful that you care so very much about his happiness. That is admirable, and speaks volumes about your friendship, and your overall persona. I would treasure you as a friend. But, it is only the person at the center that can make a decision about coming out. No one outside the relationship can know the intimate details or the mental capability of the Cd er to handle the situation. Your support and encouragement is more than enough to help him begin to understand what he can do. You care, and that is more than enough. Time will tell if she listens to you and recognizes the total situation and what she is putting at risk. Thank you so much for caring.

Barbara

[April_Ligeia]

There is no doubt thay admitting one is a.crossdresser can be FATAL to a relationship. Just because two people have been married twenty years means nothing, after twenty years all some marriages only need a straw to break. Deciding that 'honesty is the best policy' sounds real cute, but it is unfortunately an extremely naive point of view. It sounds like your friend has figured out a compromise that is keeping his marriage contract intact, and I feel it would be cruel to give bad advice that could cost him dearly. I know this firsthand.

[AllieSF]

She has to do what she thinks is best. All our recommendations do NOT come into play here, because she has to live with the consequences of her actions and not us. I think that you just be a good friend to your friend and let her make her decision and live with the consequences. You can give her advice, but just be careful to avoid giving too much, which could eventually jeopardize that relationship.

I do not agree that a 20 year relationship falling apart after the big reveal, indicates that the relationship was shallow. I know of one where the wife found out, unbeknown to my CD friend. They had a wonderful relationship with all the normal family and relationship issues with their own particular ingredients. The wife even supported her for awhile and then completely did a 180. Now my friend is castigated to a separate bedroom and wanting out. Was the marriage/relationship shallow? I do not know, because only those two know the true details from two different points of view. So, calling that relationship shallow or any other for that matter is making a lot of assumptions that can be very hard to prove. If the criteria for lack of shallowness is that a 20 year relationship should be able to withstand that kind of surprise, then most long term relationships that end must be shallow too because they end for a lot of, in some people's opinions, less serious issues, like lack of communication, growing apart, married too young, matured at different rates, etc. Those reasons to me are not shallow, just reasons why. I agree that some are truly shallow and weak, but not the vast majority that fail. Being a CD with all that it entails is a big deal with a lot of unknowns even for those that say they know where they are and where they are going with it. That is, until a few months or a year later, when we read here that they need to take it to another level. I.e. it really is difficult to predict where some of us may be going. As much as I would like CDing to be a minor issue after 20 years, that really is not the case.

[crossdressersfriend GG]

I really don't try to push the issue, I understand I just don't agree I guess.

I think he thought NO ONE would even really be ok with it and it probably confuses him or surprises him that I am?? He's hidden it for so long and had all of these negative thoughts about it, of course he wouldn't want to tell anyone. And even being ok with it I don't want to give him any false confidence or push him into thinking anyone else wouldbe ok with it, because what if they aren't? That's not up to me who he tells, I just want to understand why.

Thank you again for your thoughts and support, I'm so glad I have a place to ask these questions.

[Marleena]

I think he thought NO ONE would even really be ok with it and it probably confuses him or surprises him that I am?? He's hidden it for so long and had all of these negative thoughts about it, of course he wouldn't want to tell anyone. And even being ok with it I don't want to give him any false confidence or push him into thinking anyone else wouldbe ok with it, because what if they aren't? That's not up to me who he tells, I just want to understand why.

Well he found a wonderful friend in you to share this with. You are giving him the kind of support he needs. He better appreciate you!

PS. I'm confused as to refer to him as a her here.lol. Since he's/she's not here I'll go with him.

[kimdl93]

If I were him, I would tell her. I don't know how one can successfully hide for a long period of time. The odds seem to be against it. All it takes is one mistake, one item left out, or a moment of curiosity and the cats out of the bag.

[Jenny Doolittle]

How is it that you discovered, did he tell you? That is a huge friend!

I think that it IS a personal decision. you know your own partner best, but I also know from personal experience that we think people will be a lot less understanding then actual reality of the situation. I also believe that a CDer can be their own worse enemy in being honest. By believing their spouse will not understand, but yet, they can not stop dressing, they hide and are secretive and it is almost like they are cheating on their spouse with their own need to dress. I situation like that is not healthy for a relationship.

When I finally did tell my wife, she was most upset that I did not have the faith in her that she WOULD understand and continue to love me.

Plus, there is that ticking time bomb that will erupt when and if she discovers in a situation you are not prepared to explain.

I wish you and your friend the best.

[crossdressersfriend GG]

How is it that you discovered, did he tell you? That is a huge friend!

I think that it IS a personal decision. you know your own partner best, but I also know from personal experience that we think people will be a lot less understanding then actual reality of the situation. I also believe that a CDer can be their own worse enemy in being honest. By believing their spouse will not understand, but yet, they can not stop dressing, they hide and are secretive and it is almost like they are cheating on their spouse with their own need to dress. I situation like that is not healthy for a relationship.

When I finally did tell my wife, she was most upset that I did not have the faith in her that she WOULD understand and continue to love me.

Plus, there is that ticking time bomb that will erupt when and if she discovers in a situation you are not prepared to explain.

I wish you and your friend the best.

Yes he told me. We've known each other for a couple years, but never really got to know each other until the last few months. Everything started really by accident, but we could talk forever. And it took a couple of months of just regular BSing to finally trust me enough to tell me and I still don't know why, or what I said because in almost 40 years he's never told a soul.

And I'm sure he feels like he's cheating on her, he has to?? Especially since he will dress for me and we have a good time shopping ( online of course, I haven't been able to get him out yet! ) and just talking. I feel bad and I want her to know just because it's not fair to either of them, but not my choice. I am just here for the moral support and while that should come from your SO, but I don't think that's always possible?

[NicoleScott]

How many stories have we read on the forum about a closeted crossdresser that had a very good marriage UNTIL the big reveal, sometimes at the encouragement of forum members? The man that fulfilled all the expected responsibilities - husband, father, provider, handyman, companion, etc. - and everything was good until she found out that he crossdressed for his own needs in private, and the marriage blew up.
If you cannot live with yourself by keeping such a secret, maybe you should tell. But don't impose a litmus test on others by suggesting that their marriage is flawed if crossdressing is kept secret. People know their situation best.

[Lorileah]

I realize I have been on the extreme end of the spectrum in my personal relationships. I never hid it from the women in my life and I never will. So maybe my perspective is different.

20 years of not telling has built up a huge wall. Even if the woman would have been accepting before, now there is the issue of trust. That hurts. I know no relationship is 100% honest and open (does my butt look big in this dress??). Now, if he tells (and I use this analogy a lot) there is equity built up. Certain expectations that the other person now has. They see you as a specific person, the person they have put on a white horse for 20 years. It is hard to knock that down. It is a blow to your ideals and what you believed the relationship is (or was). I would have a hard time telling at this point. But know that when it comes out and it most likely will that the hurt that the other person has will be deep. And the depth is proportional to the length of the lie or secret. Not just crossdressing but anything that in some way could impact your relationship.

Two things here. First he makes an assumption that she will react in a certain manner. Maybe she will maybe she won't. Second he is making the decision for her and not allowing her to react in any manner. That is controlling. But he has made bot of those decisions already.

[katie_barns]

Telling the SO is a personal preference. I had a wonderful relationship [25 years] but really wanted to tell my wife about my dressing. When I finally did it almost cost our marriage. We survived it, but the relationship is not the same. I haven't changed from what I was before she knew, and she knows that; but somehow I not the man I was to her before she knew. I can't stop she understands that. The most I could do was promiss her she would not have to see it or deal with it. Nothing has changed for me. I still hide it for the most part. I just don't have to worry about getting caught by her. Our relationship will never be the same. There are days I regret telling her but mostly she tells me she wish I would have kept it to myself. Yes she is in denial but our relationship is still better than most of the married couples I know.

[Wildaboutheels]

Crossdressers by necessity are Open minded people. Or very conflicted as many of these posts confirm. Which makes it easy to make the jump to the conclusion that ANYone of reasonable intelligence should be open minded. ESPECIALLY anyone that you love who also loves you.

Of course most folks, no matter how intelligent, or open minded or loving are going to have a thing or two they are simply blind to and simply will not discuss or consider. That's simple reality. They are never going to change their minds or even be willing to bend a bit or give an inch or two on certain matters. Gays and abortions are two common items that for most folks are simple black or white issues.

[Jamie Hugs]

I think he knows whats best for him, once he's out theres no going back so better to err on the side of caution I say.

[Cheryl T]

It is difficult to say what I would do not knowing everything about the relationship and the situation.
In my own life it took me many many years before I could bring up the topic and that was only after I had reached the decision that it must be broached...whatever the consequences.

[Stephanie47]

Once the Genie is out of the bottle, she cannot be put back. Your friend says he knows how she will react. Maybe he's wrong. But, what if she is right. What will be gained by disclosure? Will she encourage him to wear a dress around her? Will she be forever standoffish? Will it be a DADT marriage? Of course, there is the possibility she already knows of his crossdressing and decided to enter a DADT marriage by not mentioning his dressing at all. If he is willing to endure the angst of waiting for the shoe to drop and deny himself the possibility of greater freedom of expression, so be it. Maybe, if there is a disclosure later, there will be the anticipated blow up or the realization he denied himself years of cross dressing heaven. Only time will tell.

Of course, there is also the possibility your friend does not want to hurt his wife by making her choose between his old personna and his new personna. One thing I know for sure is a woman may forgive, but, she will never forget. His coming clean will forever change the marriage- for better or for worse!

[Karren H]

I wouldn't tell... Not like it's really lying!! It's just being selective with information....

[phylisanne]

i told my wife about ten years ago and since then i believe that its better to tell other people like your doctor since they are responsible for your health and if they notice some thing different about you its best to let them know what you are.

[Kerigirl2009]

If I could turn back time I would in a heartbeat. My wife now looks at me as less of a man in her eyes even though I am the same person she married. She can't handle it and I believe someday it will just become too much.
So NO I would not tell her as he is probably right about how she will react.

[Mikka]

In this case I probably would not tell. I did not tell my wife and I was discovered almost 2 years ago and when I thought she was gaining acceptance the window closed. I dont know where our relationship will end but if ends and decide to begin another relationship I will be upfront while dating of who I really am.

[Mikka]

If I could turn back time I would in a heartbeat. My wife now looks at me as less of a man in her eyes even though I am the same person she married. She can't handle it and I believe someday it will just become too much.
So NO I would not tell her as he is probably right about how she will react.
I am dealing with same issue, at my house too! :(

[crossdressersfriend GG]

He said to me a while ago really hit me wrong and I think that's part of what bothers me, he can't wait to be alone? It's like he waits for her to die so he can be who he wants. It sounds to awful even to type it, and he never actually SAID IT, but it was implied very clearly. How could you live with someone who you wait to die or go away for the week at least so you can be who you really want to be? I know he loves her, or maybe he loves the "normal" she gives him but that is an awful way to live your life, waiting for the time when you can be yourself. I'm sure a lot of you know that feeling all too well, but why live with that!?

[Joanne f]

The way i see it is that there are three issues to consider , a moral one, a love/relationship one and a desire to cross dress one .
You could say that it is morally wrong to hide it and not tell but out of the three being immoral is the easiest as it takes little effort to be immoral in fact you can do it without even thinking about it especially where love is concerned which brings us on to love/relationships, is it wrong to hide something from you partner because you fear it will destroy your relationship if found out , then there is the cross dressing side of it and that will depend on whether you have enough free hidden time to dress when you what to .
So taking all that into account would I tell , if I thought that it would totally destroy the relationship/marriage No, if I thought that it should be OK then Yes, and that would be based partly on the desire to share with my wife/partner , partly so I would not have to hide it away all the time and partly so that I would hopefully gain in having more time to dress ( OK a bit selfish maybe) :o but remember that there are two emotions out of the three that are very powerful, Love and Cross dressing and I am sorry to say that they quite often override any moral issues you might have .

[Lori Robins]

Yes, I think that's the best way. From what I understand, not telling them is held in the same frame as cheating, or makes them feel deceived. Sometimes either way its a lose lose situation. Easy to say tho especially if you are in a long term relationship. I told my wife about two weeks after we met, but she is a fairly open minded person.
After re reading some of the other posts, I just had to add some more. This is my opinion and how I feel and what my lady tells me how she feels, not an attack on others opinions, so please take no offence. There is always differing circumstances for each situation as well, that has to be taken into account. I think that if you can't be honest in a relationship then there is something very wrong. To spend time, in some cases a lot of years with someone and have all these deep dark secrets says something to me. Maybe I am naive and simplifying things here, but you either want to share your life with someone or you don't. Deceit is a nasty thing and I can see why a lot of partners lose trust and respect when they find out. I realize that some will just not be able to handle the thought of their "man" dressing up, but I think for a lot of partners, it is the trust thing that may trip them up - 'if you have been doing this, then what else haven't you told me and can I ever trust you to not keep secrets again?'
In the end, we all have to live with our decisions and actions. I love my wife and tell her everything, the good and the bad. Some of our decisions are what I want and some leave me a bit disappointed. But a relationship is a compromise and I love my wife and wouldn't have it any other way.

[Lori Robins]

He said to me a while ago really hit me wrong and I think that's part of what bothers me, he can't wait to be alone? It's like he waits for her to die so he can be who he wants. It sounds to awful even to type it, and he never actually SAID IT, but it was implied very clearly. How could you live with someone who you wait to die or go away for the week at least so you can be who you really want to be? I know he loves her, or maybe he loves the "normal" she gives him but that is an awful way to live your life, waiting for the time when you can be yourself. I'm sure a lot of you know that feeling all too well, but why live with that!?

I agree! Life is way to short to wait and that is wrong, it is doing an injustice to both parties, no matter what the hurt involved in a split is, living like that can't be healthy

[Antoinette]

I told my girlfriend, mother, brother and some of my friends. I told because I fear that the one day I go out en femme i'd be spotted by one of them. In the case of my girlfriend I don't ever think it's a good idea to keep secerets about yourself. I'd hate to find out something way later in life about her that I should've known earlier. Out of everyone though only my brother, mother and gay friend are cool with me dressing up. My girlfriend lost respect for me (we're broken up now, but for other reasons). My friends don't like it and don't want to see me dressed, which is fine, we still remain friends.

I say it's never a good idea to keep it hidden. It will bite you in the ass later or cause you to go crazy. Then again I'm the type of person who doesn't give a damn what negative comments someone has to say about me. They don't have to like it but atleast show some respect

[RADER]

I told my wife to be early in our dating; No problem.
This friend of yours knows his wife a lot better than you.
Just give him support and let him deal with his marriage the way he wants to.
Rader

[Jenny Doolittle]

Once the Genie is out of the bottle, she cannot be put back. Your friend says he knows how she will react. Maybe he's wrong. But, what if she is right. What will be gained by disclosure? Will she encourage him to wear a dress around her? Will she be forever standoffish? Will it be a DADT marriage? Of course, there is the possibility she already knows of his crossdressing and decided to enter a DADT marriage by not mentioning his dressing at all. If he is willing to endure the angst of waiting for the shoe to drop and deny himself the possibility of greater freedom of expression, so be it. Maybe, if there is a disclosure later, there will be the anticipated blow up or the realization he denied himself years of cross dressing heaven. Only time will tell.

Of course, there is also the possibility your friend does not want to hurt his wife by making her choose between his old personna and his new personna. One thing I know for sure is a woman may forgive, but, she will never forget. His coming clean will forever change the marriage- for better or for worse!

I think your reasoning is the best, what possible good will come from disclosure.

[crossdressersfriend GG]

Well just a little update.

We talked today and he doesn't want to come over to dress anymore. He said he just can't do it. I am really sad but told him I understand which I do and that we can still chat and text of course.

I told him to please be honest with me and he said he was. It is so sad though and I won't ask him to come over because I don't want to push him in any direction, but I left the door open if he wants to. I guess maybe it was all too fast?? Or maybe he just wishes it was with his GF instead of me?? We'll still be friends of course but it's like that chapter is done. I don't know but it sucks.

[DonnaT]

If he believes living with a secret is less stressful than telling that secret, then he shouldn't tell.

[Eryn]

I wouldn't tell... Not like it's really lying!! It's just being selective with information....

While I agree with your statement, there are some GGs who do not see the distinction between "being selective" and "lying." For them, full disclosure of anything that could affect them is mandatory and if this is not done they will assert they have been lied to.

Of course, some CDers are pretty good at telling actual lies. That's not right either.

[TxKimberly]

I used to feel strongly that people who were hiding this from their wives were wrong and that they should suck it up and come clean. Over the last ten years though, I've seen some of those folks loose their wives when they were discovered and so my opinion has changed. It is now my opinion that people should use their best judgement. They know their spouses and probably know best if the spouse is gonna tolerate or accept it or not and they should use their own best judgement. If your guts tell you to keep quiet, then maybe you should listen to it.
I realize that the following is not what you were really asking about, but for the benefit of those who are not yet married, I would like to add the advice that you SHOULD tell a woman you are considering marrying BEFORE you get married. It's not fair to either of you to start a marriage with that kind of secret. I dont care how scared you are at the idea, if you really DO love her, you owe her that respect and decency.