Moving forward

[Britney Johnson]

Here I go opening myself up to the world. A few weeks ago, I went to see a doctor about preparing to transition. This is something that I have wanted to do my entire life, but always thought that it was necessary for me to change who I was to fit in with society. Anyway, after we talked and blood test were received back, she has placed me on estradiol. For me that is a step forward, especially since I am still currently on Active Duty and will not retire for another 2 years. This is a seriously scary strep for me, but one that I felt I had to make before I went crazy. I am putting everything on the line, cause on top of that, I am also married and have been for the past 14 yrs. I had come out to her before we married, but I thought that I could change who I was. Well, long story short..., that didn't happen. Now I can't get it out of my head that moving forward towards transition is the best thing for me. Am I being selfish in finally understanding who I should have always been? We have no children, so that makes things a little easier, although...my SO does not agree with this in anyway. I still hide from her and have my entire marriage, but she does know that I dress on occasion. I always leave little hints, such as makeup sponges or maybe even some sort of clothing... Crazy, I know.... Not sure why I had to write this all out. Just trying to be more open and learning to deal with the whole situation. GRRRR. Hugz n Love to everyone....Mmmmuuaahhhh

[Kerigirl2009]

your going through what I am realizing I am doing also with one exception, I have four children. My wife hates it but I just can't continue to live like this. I am making a start with a therapist soon (I hope)
I will find out where this road is going soon and hopefully I make the correct decisions.
Good luck
Keri Elise Rose

[RADER]

Briney;
Welcome to the forum;
When you have a chance, join an American Legion or a VFW Post near you.
Why??? Because they can help you get the benefit's you are unable to get for yourself.
They did it for me, getting compensated for Agent Orange Exposer in Nam.
It is possible to help you with Trans cost. It has been done before.
I myself am a member of both Org.
Rader

[Julia_in_Pa]

Your supposed to put everything on the line.

If your still asking questions about being selfish then you seriously need to reconsider your plans for transition.
You dont transition because you want to, you transition because you have no other choice.

Prepare to lose everything including your life and then you'll be on the right path towards transition.


Julia

[Bree-asaurus]

You're only being as selfish as every other human being has been allowed to be since birth. You have been living your life for everyone else but yourself. It's about time you get a little selfish.

And I'm glad you realize you have to put everything on the line. Hopefully you won't lose everything, but you need to be prepared to. You have to know what's most important to you.

It's not an easy road, and you know that because you've been putting it off for so long. I wish you the best and keep sharing here... this place is a great resource while you transition.

[MC-lite]

Your supposed to put everything on the line.

If your still asking questions about being selfish then you seriously need to reconsider your plans for transition.
You dont transition because you want to, you transition because you have no other choice.

Prepare to lose everything including your life and then you'll be on the right path towards transition.


Julia

True That! But when the dust settles, that wierd feeling you'll feel, but can't quite describe will be happiness.
I can't say what'll happen (I left my crystal ball on a C130 in keesler AFB) but it'll be worth it. :)

[Britney Johnson]

Hi Julia... Hugz... The only reason I bring up the selfishness is because my SO keeps telling me that is what I am being. I have wanted to transition for so long, and be true to myself... It is just difficult for me to get out of the routine of doing so much for others, and then doing something for myself. I am at that realization now, that I can only think about being that woman that I have longed to be for so long. I totally thank you for the feedback. Sometimes it just gets hard to explain things in detail without writing a novel. Thank you again, and I totally think you are gorgeous. I have already researched FFS and know that is what I need to have done.

[KellyJameson]

I reached a point where I no longer cared about who I hurt which was the opposite of my natural inclination to protect others, particularly from me.

When I was eight I was swimming with my best friend in a river that was unsafe because the bottom of the river had been shaped by erosion and you could go from water that was at your knees and step off into space. We were swimming and I expected to be able to stand up and went into a panic when my feet did not touch the bottom of the riverbed and from under the water I could see my friends feet and I grabbed them to pull him under so I could climb on top of him to the surface where there was air to breath, fortunately another person with training came over and pulled me to safety otherwise my friend and I would have drowned that day because of my panic and lack of skill. Talk about guilt afterwards when he made the comment that I was trying to pull him under.

On a certain level the experience of drowning (dying) and GID for me are the same, I experienced it as a form of quiet sometimes intense panic that for many years could not understand what was causing this panic.

Since childhood I always carried in me a sense that I was under attack and that my very life was being threatened, a form of anxiety that had no name. This anxiety caused extreme chaos in my life and only dissipated by changing my appearance, avoiding people because they did not reflect back to me who I was and I could not be what they wanted anyway plus therapy which for me was like going to school to learn about myself.

Just as when I was drowning GID feels like a life threatening experience and I always recommend to others to treat it as such when trying to balance their commitments to others. When people are telling you that you are being selfish be sure to compare apples to apples when thinking about your needs and theirs. If I was in a relationship with someone dying from terminal cancer who needed me or a parent who had innocent children dependant on me I would try to protect them from GID to the best of my ability but I would also recognize that by doing so I'm risking my own life, I try never to underestimate how dangerous GID is to my survival because I feel guilty for hurting others.

Very few (perhaps no one) can be sympathetic to someone experiencing GID except another who has and does and even than only within certain limits because it is experienced differently from person to person. Let your pain do the talking first and than your reasoning mind second because most people will think you are delusional or outright lying. You must be willing to ignore what others say is true when they are talking about your own personal sense of reality (truth) because very few people will be able to understand your reality and so will draw their own conclusions. Having GID is standing against everyone else's idea of reality (truth) in my opinion and takes a very strong mind, but pain does that. What does'nt kill you only makes you stronger.

Hiding is not necessarily a bad thing because when you are in pain the last thing you want is more pain but IMHO do not underestimate how potentially dangerous the experience of GID is to your well being and try to move toward a resolution unique for you.

[Kristy_K]

Accepting yourself for who you are is one of the hardest thing to do.

But when you do accept yourself it is one of the most rewarding rewards in life.

[Stephanie-L]

Interesting that I recently had a conversation on this very topic with my therapist. I told her that I sometimes felt a little selfish for wanting to be true to myself, but that I realized that it wasn't selfish at all, it is what I have to do to survive. Yes, I am going to lose a lot, and I am probably going to hurt some people I care about, and that will make me unhappy. But not as unhappy (downright miserable) as if I didn't continue as far as I need to go with my transition. I have always put others first in my life, and been made to feel guilty for my happiness, even when it is not related to others. Now I am able to deal with my own needs, and I feel rather liberated. And yes, accepting yourself is so very rewarding....................Stephanie

[Julia_in_Pa]

Thank you for such kind words.
I know personally how hard transition is.
You just need to be ready for it.
Everything from what you have now shared seems to point to transitioning now.
The best thing you can do for yourself during this time is to remain true to yourself and your goal of transition.
Do not accept anything less.
To do so could mean very serious consequences for yourself.
Be strong and be brave sister.


Julia


Hi Julia... Hugz... The only reason I bring up the selfishness is because my SO keeps telling me that is what I am being. I have wanted to transition for so long, and be true to myself... It is just difficult for me to get out of the routine of doing so much for others, and then doing something for myself. I am at that realization now, that I can only think about being that woman that I have longed to be for so long. I totally thank you for the feedback. Sometimes it just gets hard to explain things in detail without writing a novel. Thank you again, and I totally think you are gorgeous. I have already researched FFS and know that is what I need to have done.