Could a purge ever really work?

[crossdressersfriend GG]

I had a talk with my CDing friend today and it's looking like he wants to stop dressing?

Quick history, he's dressed secretly since he was a kid ( worn his GFs clothes and stockings, the usual). His long term GF of 20 years doesn't know and would not be ok with it. We are only friends but he told me about it a few months ago and we sort of found our way through the pink fog together and it was a blast! I shopped and bought him what HE liked and we talked til all hours about everything from fashion to family. He has dressed for me really only one time and I think it was a traumatic thing, he really changed after that day. I know he had a great time, maybe too great and I'm sure about that because of the conversations we've had about that day. I'm sure he feels guilty he can't tell is GF and it probably feels more like cheating that he trusts me with it and I understand all of that.

So today he said he doesn't want to come over again he just can't do this anymore, he just can't. He said he only likes to dress once in a while anyway so not a big deal. I don't think that's the truth and I told him so. I asked if his GF found out thinking maybe she suspected and he was worried but he said no. He still wants to talk on the phone or text which is perfectly fine with me, we can still talk about other stuff.

He has a pretty strong will I must say so maybe he can pull it off? But is this really even possible!? I know he's dressed alone for YEARS but now that you have someone to share it with and to talk to about it is it that easy to go back to the closet so to speak? Could he really just want to give it all up, is that why everyone purges? ( Luckily I have the clothes and I'm not throwing them out! LOL)

What do you think? Just hang back like I've been doing this last month? Let him work things out in his head? Could he possibly not want to dress out in the open again? Could a purge ever be for good or does it always come back?

Any advice??

[Krista Doll]

odds are pretty likely that He will be back at some point most will say that it never goes away for good but sometimes it comes back with a vengence. hope all goes well with both of you.

[RADER]

A purge seldom works for long;
Save your self a ton of money by putting all your stuff in a few boxes and put them away
like in the Attic, basement or one of those self storage places. When you want to come back,
you will have your clothes you once used. You will save a lot of money by not re buying everything.
Rader

[paulaloha]

Same as those above me have said. It doesn't work most of the time. I've purged 3 times and here I am.

I've had several periods where I didn't want to dress much. But now I'm back to it, so for me I would say it comes and goes. I've just finally become comfortable enough just being myself to not beat myself up over it and purge. So if you can take all of his stuff and stow it away for a rainy day when he wants it back. I wish I had a girl friend I could talk to about all this stuff and share it with. I have told a few people and right now only one of the 3 I have told has been accepting. But it's a guy friend, so we make jokes about it and will talk about it a little bit. But it would be so nice to have a GG to share this side of me with!

So just keep being there for him and my advice would be to not push him one way or another. But support him whatever he decides. And as I said before and assuming he's OK with it. Rescue/save all of his clothes for him when he decides to come back later.

Paula

[RileyEvans]

I've never purged myself, rather had it done for me, but I always felt it harder to stop when I didn't have my things as opposed to having them. As long as I had a few things the urge to buy more would not be as intense. With your friend dressing as long as he has its doubtful he will stop for long. Usually I could stop for months when I get in one if those moods but the feeling always come back.

[Lyndaloves]

I stopped for 15 years, but had purged many many times prior.
In that 15 years I thought about lynda many times but just thoughts
This time is different, very very strong urges and desires,
Clothes are being purchased by me.....scary sh##
Back with a vengence is mild compared to what is going on in my head.
Question.....If I grow breasts will it be noticeable HUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Lynda

[Joanne f]

Everything is possible but seeing that he has done it for so long I doubt that a purge will permanently work , I am wondering if it is not so much about his girlfriend finding out but more in the way that you may be pushing it more than he is comfortable with it at the moment as he maybe confused about your motives for being so supportive , maybe you should tell him and see how he reacts. :raisedeyebrow:

[Shelly Preston]

Purging is one of those things that can be expensive.

If you have to replace a lot of items if will be costly.

Does it work? ........well if it works completely we are unlikely to hear about it.

My worry would be is that the purging works for a while. Then he and his GF get married, and the urge returns.
It could be he is then in a position of dressing in secret or having to tell her. Thats when things could get real messy if he has not told her previously.
You may want to mention this to your friend.

[Shannon C.]

It has never worked for me. It may satisfy a need/desire at that given moment, but for me and I'm sure many of us here the desire to dress always comes back. It really I think boils down to being comfortable with who you are. I am just coming into terms with that myself. I have made a promise to myself not to purge ever again. I'm sure it will saev me a lot of money in the future.

[Jamie24]

A purge is internal statement that I can control these feeling/urges. I have found that, for me, the purge makes one feel better for a while, but the need always come back, particularly when I feel stress. The issue then is that I lose some self respect, since I am unable to have complete self control.

So, long story short, purge can be successful for a time, but if the feeling are deep rooted, never for good and always with stress

Jamie

[Jenniferpl]

Purging for me turned out to be a wasted time and money. The desire is often close to the surface. I wish your boyfriend the best of luck trying. If is like most of us on this site, before long he will be back at it.

[Raychel]

I believe that a person can do anything that he or she wants if they put thier mind to it.

Personally I have purged a few time in the course of my life. I alwasy came back, Now I have just accepted the fact that this is one of the things in life that I enjoy, and that is what I am going to do.

[Nahed]

Purging is one of those things that can be expensive.

If you have to replace a lot of items if will be costly.

Does it work? ........well if it works completely we are unlikely to hear about it.

My worry would be is that the purging works for a while. Then he and his GF get married, and the urge returns.
It could be he is then in a position of dressing in secret or having to tell her. Thats when things could get real messy if he has not told her previously.
You may want to mention this to your friend.

i agree with Shelly
I've purge 4 year ago and stop dressing for 2 year, got engaged to a wonderful girl :love:and spend a great time with her. Then when we are preparing to the wedding suddenly with all marriage pressure the urge to dressing and being Nahed comeback. I tried to suppress myself because I love my fiancée but didn't work .I couldn't talk to her about that . She Muslim girl that against her religion. So I breakout with her,


it's a painful experience

[crossdressersfriend GG]

I think what is not being explained very well by your friend is that (for a lot of people, maybe not all) when the feeling turns off and you escape the pink fog, it leaves behind a rather uncomfortable feeling of embarrassment and self loathing. It is hard to explain but you actually think differently and want to be distanced from what you did. This is why people purge. It is like a drinker waking up one morning and hating themselves for the way they acted. They resolve to change their lives and never drink again, get rid of all the hidden booze and clean up their lives. When you are in that frame of mind you don't want your old drinking buddies ringing you up.
Also he is very likely to be feeling guilty that he has this secret from his long time girlfriend and so he is feeling even more self loathing.

That is exactly how I see him feeling about it. The days right after he was so happy and grateful for my support but then after the weekend passed( over the weekends we don't talk because it's his time for his GF) he texted and his whole attitude changed. He didn't talk about it, he didn't want me to buy him anything, it was like the switch turned off. He's seemed sort of down lately, or a fake happy?? I asked yesterday if everything was ok and he said it was but I don't think so. I think after everything happened he had a great weekend with his GF and it made him really question what he was doing?

And Jamie, the stress is a BIG trigger for him to dress. He's worn stockings to work or panties a few times to relax, his job sucks and he;ll text me and tell me and I can hear the smile i the typing. :) I did encourage this and gave his sexy things to wear.

I know the pink fog even got me and I did get carried away with myself too, it was fun and I felt like he deserved to have fun with it after hiding it for so long. And I think I suggested more than I should have, I shouldn't have pushed so much, but that's a little too late now.

I wonder about talking to him about this and his feelings, or just let it go for a while and see what happens? He's not much of a feelings guy, I sort of have to read between the lines, he's so used to hiding that it's hard to get him out, but I think it'd would be great for him to realize this is all normal. Well as normal as it can be. ;)

[Beth Mays]

It has never work for me.... not for long anyway.
And like others have say here... on the nice things I wish I had back, as well as the money wasted.

[docrobbysherry]

If purging was a cure for dressing, then u could quit smoking by throwing your pack of cigs away!

[Cheryl T]

If purging was a cure for dressing, then u could quit smoking by throwing your pack of cigs away!

Well, that may be possible then.
Over 20 years ago my wife (who had smoked for over 20 years) was coughing and coughing one night. She turned to me and said that I had to help her quit (I smoked too). I looked at her and told her "If you want to quit, then quit!! If you want to die then keep smoking!!". From that moment on she has never smoked another cigarette. It can be done, but it takes incredible will power. I'm so proud of her.
I continued to smoke my little cigars and such until I had a cardiac episode over 3 years ago. My Dr. asked if I smoked. I said well.....and he just said Quit!. I did and haven't touched anything since.

As for purging, well, that is another matter. I've done that so many times in my life that I can't count them all.
All I can say is that this is different. This is a part of me, it's not something I do. It's not a hobby as I see others say. It's who I am. Without being able to express my femininity I find that I am very unhappy. I've had lulls in my dressing over the years, but nothing lasted. I can't deny who I am. I'm just so much happier and at peace with myself in the last 7 years since I came out fully to my wife and have her complete acceptance and support.

I've never met, or talked to any CD who successfully purged and NEVER returned. There may be some out there that can do it, but I highly doubt that there are many of us who could succeed.

[Deanna Jeanine]

Purging for me turned out to be a wasted time and money. The desire is often close to the surface. I wish your boyfriend the best of luck trying. If is like most of us on this site, before long he will be back at it.

Having purged way too many times (again last fall) I can say with authority all a purge does is make you "broke" and waste some beautiful clothes.

[elizabethamy]

Purging works great for a length of time. Once, I lasted a whole 48 hours.

The comment that not having any clothes at all makes the urge to acquire and wear them all the stronger is absolutely on the mark. Box them up in the basement and you might get a whole week!

elizabethamy

[kimdl93]

Anything is possible. The question is "at what cost?" I went through extended periods - years in fact - when I didn't dress, didn't have one stitch of women's clothing. But I was repressing and suppressing that whole time to a greaternor lesser extent. It can take an emotional toll.

[Jenny Doolittle]

IMHO, Purges can not change the inner being. Yes, you can stop dressing and throw out all of your things, but it will not change how you feel and what you think about.

In reality, it may be damaging to your mental health. In my case, when unable to dress or experience being my female self for long periods of time, I did feel a bit depressed. So I think dressing is actually a healthy way to de-stress your daily life.

[Tina B.]

In the short term a purge can work, I have purged and then gone years with out feeling the need or want to dress. But then when it did come back, I fought the urge for a couple of years, until I realized I was making my life worse by not dressing, I was miserable, I was making those around me miserable, and was about to shout myself out of the love of my life. So I gave up, and stopped fighting with it, told my wife what was going on, She not only recommended I start dressing again, she took me out and bought me everything I needed to get started again. That was thirty five years ago, and life has been good every since. Now if this was as easy to quit as Cigarettes, I would not have been dressing for the last 42 years, because I woke up thirty years ago, and said, I feel like it's killing me, threw away my cigs, and never lit up again. I've had purged three times in my life, none of them ended up doing anything but make me miserable, I gave up smoking, and have felt better about myself for having done it.
So he will most likely dress again, but it could be years, and he would want to forget about it, and put it out of mind if it has any chance of working for him. This is the kind of thing, you just have to stand back and watch, he will have to work this one out on his own, since you are not the girlfriend in this situation. But as you have heard, dependING on him, he could be back in a matter of days or weeks, it depends on what is going on inside of him.
Tina B.

[Nichola]

I feel the same way as Kim, repressing these feelings takes it's toll. I could stop if I had to, but the feelings just don't go away. I took a three month break earlier this year due to circumstance, but not a day went by without thinking about it. Purging is not for me, but everybody is different though so who knows?

[Ally 2112]

It seems by the replys so far everone agrees purging is very difficult if not immpossible .I have purged to many times to count in the 30 yrs of this lifestyle and refuse to do it again .If it does hit i will just put things in a tote and wait for Ally to come back.I do think it sounds as if your friend is going throu the major guilt mode and is very worried about his relationship
The best thing be there for him when needed and keep the clothes .I hope all works out

[crossdressersfriend GG]

And he could just go back to doing this alone too, not necessarily stopping entirely?? I guess that's a very real possibility too, he might just not want to share these things with me? But why still want to talk and be friends though?? Maybe I never helped a thing, it seems like I made things worse for him!? He was fine with it hidden and now it's out and he's worried or stressed and ashamed, who knows but that's a whole different bad feeling to have?

[Kate Simmons]

A purge is only as good as the person purging Hon. Purges are usually due to either feeling frustrated that the feelings produced are not feminine enough or feeling ashamed as a "man" shouldn't be doing this stuff. In each scenerio it's a case of a person not really knowing themself and not really in touch with their feelings. Until issues like that are resolved purging may continue periodically whether it is effective or not.:)

[Stephanie47]

What's the expression? "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?" I do think it is possible for your friend to totally stop cross dressing. I say that because "one exception negates the universal quantifier." One in a 10; one in 100; one in 1,000. I did not think at all about cross dressing for several years. No one desire; not one thought. Of course, the environment I was in at the time was free of feminine distractions, i.e., military overseas service. No Radar O'Reilley!

There are different levels of cross dressing enjoyment. Just panties? Just add another article. Soon you're totally en femme. Frankly, I think for most of us the self loathing, denial, guilt, deceit, whatever is injurious to our mental health. I would venture a guess and say your friend will be OK for awhile. Maybe a long while. But, eventually his self isolation from cross dressing will gnaw at his internal well being. I read on this forum of cross dressers who are content with being en femme infrequently by my standards. I am able to dress five days a week for seven hours. I do not necessarily get en femme that often, but, at least I know I can.

I would recommend letting him recede at his own pace, and, if he wants, be there for him when he wants to re-engage. As to purging, it may be expensive. Maybe, you can hold 'her' feminine attire in trust for 'her' re-emergence.

[Ressie]

Don't buy ice cream at the store and you won't be tempted to eat it everyday. But eventually there's the compulsive urge to go to Dairy Queen. How long can one go without ice cream, knowing what it tastes like, and knowing it's not hard to find. How can a crossdresser completely stop thinking about slipping into something a little more comfortable?

Some type of aversion therapy is the only chance. Get hypnotized so that your stomach will turn at the thought of wearing panties.

[elizabethamy]

And he could just go back to doing this alone too, not necessarily stopping entirely?? I guess that's a very real possibility too, he might just not want to share these things with me? But why still want to talk and be friends though?? Maybe I never helped a thing, it seems like I made things worse for him!? He was fine with it hidden and now it's out and he's worried or stressed and ashamed, who knows but that's a whole different bad feeling to have?

"Containment" and purging are two very different things. I'd guess it will be much easier to cope with the dysphoria by dressing under controiled conditions than to purge and pretend you don't want to. The analogy to addiction breaks down here, IMHO. Alcohol and tobacco are drugs you are trying to quit putting into your brain; whereas for most of us crossdressing is not the addiction but is in fact the treatment for the problem within the brain/self. There's a lot of real estate between nothing (purged) and full transition. We all have to find our own comfort levels and cope accordingly...

elizabethamy

[janet54]

In a word NO!!!!! You will just do it all again.

[KellyJameson]

I see crossdressing as a search for self or the masculine act of worship for women that is born and bound up in heterosexual desire and positive female role model experiences.

For some identity is fixed at birth and they are predisposed to strongly identify as male or female and it becomes traumatic to try and change their identity and usually this identity matches their genitalia and external appearance but when it does not great internal conflict is experienced.

For a very large part of the population (particularly male because the male is built from the female so masculinity is more tentative) identity is not fixed at birth and is fluid and crossdressing can create confusion about identity creating a push-pull affect between identifying as female or as male and I think of this as the experience of dysphoria.

Think of dysphoria as an electrical current passing through the brain (anxiety) but it can be so mild you barely notice it or on the other hand so extreme you feel as if you are strapped into a electrical chair being executed.

Your thread has the tone of someone who became frightened by the experience of dysphoria and felt their sense of self threatened. Part of this experience is the fear of what others will think because we use others to create our identity and need them to support it's continuation.

Crossdressing challenges a person on several levels but most are in relation to others and what they will think of us.The risk is greatest to those males born with a fixed predisposed identity to be female that makes it impossible to adopt an identity as male. You than float through life struggling to be a part of it but do not easily find people you can relate to because identity and it's accepted corresponding behavior is easy for them and does not cause them the internal stress of feeling inauthentic from trying to "act" male to gain inclusion into the group or intimate relations.

Crossdressing is an excellant way to create and discover where one falls on the continuum between female and male identity because so much of this identity is false and institutionally created and supported and should be challenged to protect ones psychological health.

In my opinion based on personal experience if a male is predisposed by birth to identify as female than the need for self understanding is critical. If I was your friend I would be seriously questioning myself about how I feel in my own body and about being born a man instead of a woman. It is a long difficult confusing painful path but the alternative is worse.

A purge is in indication of internal stress between conflicting wants influenced by threats external and internal, understanding the reasons will lead to increasing awareness of self and until this is resolved the purges as part of the push-pull, love-hate relationship to crossdressing will continue.

[Being Paige]

I purged twice in the past, after the 2nd time I swore I would never purge again. Sure the new cothes and everything was nice but it was a waste of money. I don't know why, well I know that they were for the wrong reason's and they were not for myself. Now if I end up not dressing or not wanting to dress I just don't and my stuff stays in the dresser drawers.

[Jenny Beth]

I have never really tried to purge but I have put my things away for months on end and not even thought about dressing, not because I don't want to dress but because other things in life are important too. Then one day you see a nice dress or a blouse in a window display or a woman wearing something you know you'd wear in a flash and there you are seeing what's in the closet and opening the lingerie drawer. Does purging work forever? Not from my point of view but I suppose if someone's marriage or career was on the line as has been the case with many here I suppose it can.

[Jorja]

Just have him repeat this for you.

Repeat after me:
Purging is silly
A waste of time and money
The next time I purge I will purge all my guy underwear and cut them up and use them for cleaning rags.
A metaphor for wiping away all the memories of when I thought I was not a girl

Usually the urge to dress does not go away. Is it possible for a purge to work? Yes, but not likely.

[Joann Smith]

Could a purge ever really work?

Hell naw !

[Alaina R]

CDing for many is a very intimate activity. He has shared this part of himself with you but not with his long time partner. Further it sounds like you both had some great times together sharing this secret. In the cold light of the next day this (rightfully) probably feels a lot like cheating to him. The solution of purging may be so that he does not feel like he is going behind his GF's back with another woman. What are your your feelings toward this guy? It sounds to me like there is a lot more going on here than just dressing and purging.

[Barbara Ella]

A purge work, NO. There is more than just a purge at work here. If he can reallly and truly talk with you about his true feelings, you need to know. If not, step back and let it unfold.

Barbara

[k lynn]

purged twice didnt last to long wasted money along with some nice panties and bras