Is it possible to transition and be nonchalant about it?

[emmicd]

When I think of transitioning I think of it in a good way because I believe at that point a transgendered person has made a breakthrough and is doing something they felt they had to do since a very young age. I believe they have found their peace. Is it possible to transition in a way where there is no 'circus like atmosphere and it is done in such away that you who are going through it and others you work with and family are nonchalant about it? Is that a very real possibility or is it that human nature make it that you are like in a center stage and everyone has to get a look at the TS individual? If I am lucky enough to transition I do not want to be the center of attention. I just want people to understand and accept me for who i am and not make a big deal over it. Is it possible to be under the radar wwith transitioning. I bet that sounds like a naive question but me being a painfully shy person I do not want my transition be an exercize in always having to explain myself. I just want to be accepted and loved for who I am and I do not want to be considered odd. I am a human being who is female and I am only planning to do what I felt I always had to and I hope most will be understanding and accepting. I am TS and I am ok with it!

emmi

[kellycan27]

I would say that it pretty much depends on you and your family. As far as the general public, nobody can predict how they are going to receive you. As far as flying under the radar.... the better you can pull it off.. the better you're going to fare. And just for your information, not everyone discovers being TS at a very young age. There are a lot of late bloomers right here on this forum. Make no mistake, it's a hard road. Probably the hardest road you will ever travel. Good luck.

Kel

[Noemi]

You have got to be the sweetest girl ever.:battingeyelashes:

I am just saying hello to you Emmi. As you know I have not transitioned. But I finally had that thought tonight, that I will be stuck like this, as a man, for the next forty years or so, and I realized this is what happens to people and why they transition.

If you do the prep work, like getting your facial hair taken care of and start to grow your hair out and start HRT. I imagine you would put one foot in front of the other.
I do not want to say anymore, though I have more ideas. There are people on this board who will have answers because they have been there.
Good luck to you sweetness!!

♥♥♥
Noemi

[CharleneT]

Well, sorta yes, sorta no. There doesn't have to be a circus, nor a lot of attention on you. Much of that is under your control. I cannot predict anything about your future other than this: as you go thru transition, things will change - most importantly how you feel about it and what you do as you progress thru it all....

Problems can come in that the reactions of others are their reactions and will play out however that person feels combined with you and all around you. That you cannot control. Sure you can have some effect, but this is a very big thing for many folks to swallow. Confounding all this, many people close to you may react in one direction at first and then swing around to another later.

Definitely make a plan, but be ready to change as you go ;)

[Kathryn Martin]

I am not sure that "nonchalant" is the right word. Transitioning is like the least nonchalant thing you will ever do. I transitioned as a professional in that is partially in public view. One of the most important things is to be confident in your self. If being confident is supported by your spouse and family the public will follow suit. My transition was not at all the circus because we worked hard to keep control of the message. That meant, not even rallying with appearing anywhere until we were ready to come out. We spent months working on our coming out letters. We tried to be anything but random.

[Nigella]

The best way IMHO is to just be yourself. I have been transitioning since 2005, taking things at a pace I have been comfortable at. I have taken everyone close to me, family, friends, neighbours, those I work with, on the journey. I have been open and honest when people have asked me questions, ignored the ignorant and basically done things my way.

With hand on heart I can say that my transition has been just me living my life and that it has been a good journey.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Emmi,

Currently society deems gender transition to be deviation and because of it society imposes coercion in order to attempt correction.
It is not the norm Emmi.

Because it's not the norm you will be subjected to many many things in order to attempt to push you back to where you were.
Other than transitioning very early in life there is no escaping the drama surrounding transition.

Emmi you are going to be subjected to many questions and opinions by those you don't even know.
You must find a way to move past you being shy.
Social anxiety and transition do not mix.

You must become your own advocate and your own best friend prior to attempting this.
We all want to be loved and accepted but the hard reality of transition is that concerning lot of people in your life you wont be.

You will not only be the center of attention you will be the atomic bomb that went off in peoples minds when word leaks of your plans and actions.

You just have to accept this Emmi.

Be proactive. Tell people what you are doing. Explain what all of this is.
No matter what you do you will not avoid overwhelming amounts of attention you will receive concerning your transition.
Instead of avoiding it you must learn to embrace it so you can have better control on how it's shaping public opinion of you.


Julia

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Anything is possible..that's how you have to look at it..

transition can seems impossible..it isnt...and that is true for every step of the way...

all things change when you just do it, and nothing is possible until you do...

Prior to transition it seems like some kind of magical thing ....sure its packed with unknowns and new experiences, but like everything in life, it becomes just something you are doing and you deal with all the ups and downs in transition, just like anything in life...

as i think of your question..the more nonchalant you can be, the better your transition will likely be..

[Badtranny]

There is some great input so far but I think the simple answer is; probably not.

I'm not being negative, much of your transition can be a sort of matter of fact affair but your professional relationships will be rocked a bit no matter how careful you are. I have been very open about my transition over the last couple of years both here and on my blog (badtranny.com) and for a time I did feel like everything was under control. I came out at my own pace until it was finally time to make it official at work. I met with HR and my bosses and the other senior managers one by one and soon everybody in my office knew. Most of my vendors and customers knew. All of my staff knew. I was openly transitioning for months and everything seemed like it was just fine. My feminization from HRT came gradually so people kinda noticed it in hindsight, the same way they noticed my hair growing. They all knew that I had surgeries planned and they all knew what my name was going to eventually be. It was all about as well managed as it could be.

Than two weeks before I left for surgery, Corporate HR called (from New York City) and she wanted to come "visit". She came while I was away and had meetings with EVERY person in the office in groups of 10 or so. They have already changed my business cards, my email address, and all of my name placards. They have also made two bathrooms downstairs into gender neutral bathrooms. Basically, my "under the radar" transition got way out of my control and it's the biggest thing to hit the office in 20 years. When I come back in a couple of weeks, I will look different and dress different and I think it's safe to say that everything will BE different.

I do understand the nature of your question, and as Kaitlyn said, 'anything is possible", but don't underestimate how huge gender transition really is. As my boss said on the phone just a few days ago, "this is a really big deal".

[Aprilrain]

It hard for me now to imagine transition being that big a deal but it is! I agree with Misty, NO there is no way to transition nonchalantly. I think matter of factly would be a better description. you cant be a man and then at some point in the future be a woman without people noticing besides if you don't tell people they will just assume your gay.

[RachelOKC]

Even when we are matter of fact about things, many people won't be. Transition is always going to be a big deal because most people don't know how to take other's expression without feeling the need to comment, criticize, or take personal affront. We *shouldn't* have to explain ourselves, but it seems like it's practically obligatory.

My big thing is conquering fear and shame. Learn that, and you'll make a huge step forward.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I think melissa you are right...probably "nonchalant" is not the right word anyway..

a phrase that comes to mind is "being matter of fact about it"... my ex and I often say "it is what it is"...that's a very constructive way to think about it...there is literally nothing any of us can do about being ourselves...you can't fight mother nature, you really can't... by simplifying your life to the basic premise of "this is what i'm doing"...and following that with "what is the best way to do it"..

you can minimize all the baggage, fear and emotions that end up causing us all to make mistakes that harm our transitions..

Rachel
I still fight against shame...to me its the primary negative trait we tend to share..i know its still in there...but i have buried under the reality of my day to day life...i just kind of deal with it and i tend to notice it more when i think back than when i look forward..

[Traci Elizabeth]

I remember Doris Day Singing "Que Sera Sera"



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrc


This will Answer ALL your questions!

[elizabethamy]

The only way to eradicate hte fear and shame in others is to eradicate the fear and shame in ourselves. This has been another episode of "do as I say, not as I do." your mother, elizabethamy

[Andie Elisabeth]

2 Traci: I agree with the video answer. But Comic Sans? Seriously?

[Sammy777]

You [for a time anyway] can be nonchalant about it.
Just do not expect anyone else in your life to act the same way.

Even the most loving, caring, supportive people in your life will still need time to adjust to it all. Transitioning is some serious shit, lol, and there is nothing that compares to it.

The most important thing to remember is that telling someone you're a TS is a big ass bell that once rung can not be unrung. So be very sure about when you ring that bell because once it's out there it is out there for good, much like anything posted to the internet :).

The closest thing to it, but still a way distant second, would be someone coming out as Gay, Lesbian, ect..
I say way distant second only because the outward person people see does not change.
People will still see Bob as Bob, gay Bob perhaps, but non the less, still Bob. :)
Not so the case with transitioning where Bob eventually becomes Brenda.

Not matter how much you plan or prepare yourself or others there will come the time for you to finally make your debut as "Her" and there is nothing nonchalant about that.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

well nonchalant or not, whatever will be will be is all true...

one thing for sure is that its never easy or we wouldn't all be sitting here talking in these forums
... step back for a second and contemplate some of the conversations that go on around here....each one of us should write a fricking book...LOL...

[KellyJameson]

In a way yes but it is the kind of nonchalance you find at the center of a hurricane, a quiet surrounded by violence.

Twice I have stayed by friends who have transitioned, a process that took years. Watching what they went through made me question whether I even experienced GID and still does because it scared the hell out of me and so I oscillate between what I need for relief and what I fear will happen if I act.

You are stronger than you realize because if you were not you would not have survived the sensitivity that I clearly feel in your words but transitioning will test you to the very limits of your endurance. In the end it is a leap of faith in yourself and others and your pain will make the decision of when because everyone has a limit to what they can take.

GID is like a form of torture that happens inside your head that insists on escape but each must decide how and when and your relationship with yourself is the key. For me understanding has helped to buy me time but how much I do not know. I experience this as if I have a ticking time bomb in my head that could go off at any moment.

[Rianna Humble]

It hard for me now to imagine transition being that big a deal but it is! I agree with Misty, NO there is no way to transition nonchalantly. ...
you cant be a man and then at some point in the future be a woman without people noticing


I am not sure that Aprilrain is using the same definition of nonchalant that I would. The definition that I am using is the first one up on Google
Feeling or appearing casually calm and relaxed. Even if you take the strict etymological definition of "Not concerned", I believe that to a very great extent it is possible to transition like this given the right circumstances. However, I am not saying that this must necessarily be everyone's experience.

Anyone who knows my story will be aware that, having been outed in the UK national press in a story that went viral around the globe, it would be quite difficult for me to fly under the radar.

That said, apart from one idiot who tried to get me sacked with a shed load of phony allegations of misconduct and who ended up leaving when he saw he was not getting anywhere, there have been no big upheavals at work and indeed some managers who have had other transwomen in their departments complimented me on how well I handle set-backs like being misread on the phone. The biggest change I have seen in peoples attitude at work is the number of girls who are friendly to me in the same way that they are to any other older woman.

In my family, the biggest concern was from my dad that people might discriminate against me. In my community, people have gone out of their way to offer me any support I might feel they could give. After I was outed, one of my local papers did a Vox Pop amongst the community I used to serve and could not find anyone who had anything negative to say about me transitioning - even amongst people of a different political persuasion. In the street, people interact with me in much the same way they would with any other woman.

[Starling]

I'm just beginning my transition, and I don't expect it to be without pitfalls; but the way I see it, living openly, true to my gender, will banish the dreadful fear that has been my companion for as long as I can remember: the fear of being exposed as who I really am. Release from it will give me all the nonchalance I'm likely to need. I'm experiencing it already with the people I've told.

:) Lallie

[noeleena]

Hi,

Ill go with the who needs to know , what you would like & what i did will be as far apart as the north pole to the south pole & iv been there,

I did not transtison as trans people do i did go through a lot of mind bending in reguards to Jos & family, i allso had issues to go through 8 years of pure ....HELL.... as it was, & that included Jos & for our family though not in the same way just being intersexed did not mean i would not have problems,

To be accepted that was by far the most hardest issue i had to face & get through, fear of not being accepted. long story & most of my life,

any way i told every one what i was doing & why, i invited every one in to a part of my life that was going to be out there for every one to see & read about, it saved so much hassle media papers & T V naton wide. all pretty much over in one night.
I had been accepted in a way i never could have dreamed of i had people help me in so many ways .

to the point of i had to step back & say im on one fantastic trip that im just here for the ride, people were just so graious about every detail so i have a lot of people who really went out of thier way to help me.

Now you talk about being shy. i was far worse than that , i struggled with talking to or with people, i could not explain my self , i could not use computers at all so i was given help in all corrospondece to those who were helping myself, so it was a major issue that others just did it all. & thats not the half of it. so you see where im coming from,

So really in answer to your first line i would say .....no way...... because all of what i went through i can never for get the all of what took place its just so importaint to & for me, words i fail at , my body langage says it all. its just to big a detail for me , total fantastic, is more like it,


...noeleena...

[Diane Elizabeth]

By the meaning of nonchalant you mean under the radar, that is what I try to stay. There are times when I know I have to pop up on the radar. Like everyone, I imagine, I to be accepted for who I am without any big todo or fanfare advertisement. I have been a wallflower all my life and want to keep it that way. I was terribly shy with a speech problem and an easy target for the bullies which seemed to put me feeling like I was in the spotlight. With that aside, I also dealt with my transgenderism (didn't know it by name at the time) alone, which made me feel like a freak in the worse way. I can get pretty defensive in conversations because of what I been thru and therefore I try to not share my opinions or ideas because of the rifts they can cause.

So I say if one can be nonchalant about my transition thenso be it. That is their choice. However, you or others may put you in the spotlight whether you like it or not. When that happens I hope to be able to handle it with grace and courage.

This is my opinion and thoughts on transitioing "non-chalantly" .

[Nicole Erin]

Just don't make a big deal of things and others are less likely to also.
Don't act like people should run around in circles screaming.

When you first start tranny'ing, yeah people might act stupid but that is their problem. As you are more into it day to day, people just don't make an issue.

[SandraAbsent]

Nonchalant would not have been nearly "chalant" enough for me, and for the record, I completely understand that "chalant" is not a real word.

[Beth-Lock]

Is it possible to transition in a way where there is no 'circus like atmosphere and it is done in such away that you who are going through it and others you work with and family are nonchalant about it? Is that a very real possibility or is it that human nature make it that you are like in a center stage and everyone has to get a look at the TS individual? ....Is it possible to be under the radar with transitioning. I bet that sounds like a naive question but me being a painfully shy person I do not want my transition be an exercize in always having to explain myself. I just want to be accepted and loved for who I am and I do not want to be considered odd. emmi

I will simply share my experience with trying to go that route.

I went to a sex/gender issue counsellor, and was told I was not TS and should just content myself with CD-ing, as 'safely' as possible. I was disappointed, thinking that transition would be recommended and I would get support with it. When I eventually concluded that his conclusion was definitely not correct, the counsellor refused to deal with me any further. In frustration, I decided to simply start living full-time as a woman, regardless of the fact that I had not found professional support. This means in effect, I tried the nonchalant route.

For a while, it went smoothly. People like the super in my building, who had smirked about my CD-ing, became quite supportive of me as a TS, and this was a complete surprise to me. He even offered to talk to anyone in the building who gave me a hard time. I was in heaven. I no longer had to sneak around to go out in public dressed as a woman. I could do it full-time, and nobody seemed to bat an eyelash. People at the church, were also amazingly accepting. In public, since I had had considerable experience in the previous couple of years, in finding out by trial and error, how to pass in public, things went relatively smoothly. My friends and relatives seemed to accept it. This 'honeymoon' period did not last for that long though.

When I ran into difficulties which led to psychological problems, I realized that I had to seek professional help, and quickly found locally, a counsellor, who was expert in such matters, and supportive of those trying to transition, even to the point of seeking Gender Correction Surgery. I learned to rely on her, and a TS sympathetic psychiatrist which she connected me with.

Then, for the next three years or so, things got worse and worse, and my life in my newly chosen gender went right down into the dumper. The seeming acceptance of my family proved illusory. There was a parting of the ways there. My previous psychiatrist who it turned out thought gender change was a crock of manure, turned abusive. I had to leave my church. My new best friend who had been very supportive, turned against me, and started harassing me. I attempted suicide, sustaining injuries in the process. It looked like health problems would prevent my having the Gender Correction Surgery that had been recommended. For a very brief interval, I detransitioned and went back to living as a male, not once but twice. (I would certainly NOT recommend that!)

Now things seem to be evening out in my life. I have left a certain number of people behind, and three different churches. I am facing the inherent complexities of life after transition and the complexities of life as a woman. I still have problems with harassment in public, but they are the exception rather than the rule. I have been able to make a sort of life for myself as a woman with some accepting women friends.

In short, while it is difficult to generalize from one case, mine, I think that you are in for a rough ride, at some point, after you make the decision to transition and follow through with it. At the beginning, I approached a transwoman in my church and looked to her for support. I got none, and her initial remark on hearing of my decision was, "Poor you!" She knew that transition was hard, and such a difficult thing to counsel another, that she chose to leave that up to the church minister. Now I know how difficult transition is too. But the new life as a woman is very rewarding.

So that is my story, and I guess, it is up to you to make of it what you will. As I said, counselling another is a very difficult thing, and I shall have to leave that to the professionals in your case too.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Just don't make a big deal of things and others are less likely to also.
Don't act like people should run around in circles screaming.

When you first start tranny'ing, yeah people might act stupid but that is their problem. As you are more into it day to day, people just don't make an issue.

I fully agree with you...its just common sense and if you have a semi-reasonable family, then its the norm...

I cant tell you how i dreaded my first big thanksgiving...it was a total non event..

if the family is unreasonable, or actively unsupportive, then a low key transition is very unfortunately off the table, which is just so sad, and is so unnecessarily painful

the thing that most often makes our transitions "chalant" is ourselves... we have to understand the inherent unfairness in our situation and TRULY accept... that doesn't mean don't stand up for yourself...that means when the bad things start to happen, you have to keep your head on your shoulders and lash out when things we should have expected and anticipated happen..

another way we may our transitions chalant (cant stop!!) is by disclosing all of our pain and details to people...both out of excitement and shame mitigation we tell people and often excitedly show pictures...we let everyone know our surgery dates, we talk about our vaginas and our sex lives... hey all this is allowed in life..its your life...but if you don't understand that talking incessantly about needing a man to all your brand new girl friends is going to creep them out at first, and it will take time for them to get used to the idea that you really really are a woman, just like them...

or maybe you've gone in depth for hours with your best friends about all the depression and dysphoria (i sure did!) and now that you've transitioned they've isolated you much more than expected...well if your last 5 conversations are about how you narrowly avoided suicide, this should no surprise you..

anyway...the bottom line is that you really can do this under the radar, but you need to be really really strong and self confident, you need to have good internal emotional support that is not dependent on others, and you have to have realistic and achievable goals around what transition really means to you.