Transgender and shyness

[emmicd]

If you are transgender whether you are a cross dresser, transsexual or somewhere on the spectrum has your being transgender contributed to your shyness?
I consider myself painfully shy but yet I am still able to buy my female clothing. I don't much talk to others when I buy my outfits but I am able to communicate. I wonder if my shyness sometimes crippling is the result of my transgender and gender dysphoria. Don't get me wrong, I am able to work, maintain a family and live my life but i am not who i truly am as a person.

I am a female trapped and I am going through the motions in life feeling I am not expressing the real me which is heart breaking and probabaly the reason i am so painfully shy and have been all throughout my life.

I was always the wall flower when I went clubbing as a young man. i looked at all the beautiful girls more admiring what they were wearing and hoping one day to be like them. I could never converse with such beautiful women. I was way too shy and did not feel like much of a guy to win one over.

Do any of you girls identify with this kind of shyness that I have lived with and do you believe it is tied in to being transgender?

emmi

[Sandra1746]

I was painfully shy too when I was young. At least that's one description, the other is that I wasn't a 'joiner' because I knew I didn't fit in. I still don't 'join' and 'fit in' but I have learned to hold my own in conversations; my career required learning that skill. Fortunately retirement allowed me to put that charade behind me.

I self-define as transgender but I'm way too old to consider a full transition now at 66. I am content with CD and enjoying life. I have learned that it is necessary for a person to live their life for themselves, and as long as their actions don't impair the quality of anyone elses life it's none of their business. The shyness could be related to being TG or it could be related to being a nerd (Aspergers syndrome), I don't know.

Each one of us has to develop our own persona to live in the world; and everyone will be different. Just being different isn't the problem, the problem is not recognizing and accepting the differences.

Stay strong and enjoy life,
Hugs,
Sandra1746

[noeleena]

Hi,

No. It was far worse try being introverted haveing dyslexia major a loner abused at school did not learn .taught things = like maths writeing spelling could not read books or what any one wrote on the blackboard. or ever being told things, none of any of that made sence, === nothing.===

I saw lines sguggles & o L m w, oh yea letters. or numbers my brain did not see any of that as haveing a meaning ,

l = was a lampost o c = was the moon or sun the letters to me were things . in fact it came down to being dumb & i struggled at school , so books had to have pics or i was lost as to the meaning. tryed reading failed at the first line ,

None of that had anything to do with wether i was a boy or girl.or both. as i was / am,even today this had to do with how i was wired or my case miswired, as a person.

even to day there are many words i cannot spell & some i dont know or understand the meaning of.
weil , wie mein Gehirn verdrahtet , easy . a . => because of how my brain is wired,

Yet im learning my german & because to you's the spelling is like the letters are all mixed up & youd not understand my langage i can its makeing sence.even with some of the words are said or placed differently or like back to front. its working for me.

Does this or other details in me have any thing to do with being Intersexed, im going to say no.

Dysphoria, i know what its about it just never happened to me,

Now shy. to me means shut down. did not like being around people & as to men did not relate to or with them,
Would 50 years be enough to work through.

Now some of my details have changed, & those that wont dont stop me from being who i am as a person & as a woman .

Im very our going very talkitive with people can stand in front of 1000's of people & talk to & with them & there are other details i can do. accepting who you are is the most importaint thing you can do im not closed down any more my door was opened 16 years ago.
yes i had to go through a lot of issues, to be able to become strong in my self & as i went through those very difficult issues i was becoming stronger, as i went through that at the time i did not see what was going on till after, then i knew why,

I have become a very strong woman or i had to grow . being intersexed has been a major part of who i was / am because of that iv been able to go through so much with out being I S..... it would have been a very different outcome,

Im not perfect i have lots of issues & failings, that i go through just i wont let them hold myself back.

One detail is iv never been a female traped in a male body , for myself that does not make any sence at all. because i was born female & male at birth, or androne if i spelt it right.

the funny thing is i never tryed to be a boy or girl i was quite happy in many ways apart from what iv writen about even in hardship i was happy in my self & even most of my body was right, nothing a few surgerys have not put right,

...noeleena...

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Very shy, in male mode I am the wall-flower, going to parties or dance clubs when I was younger was a miserable experience for me. Even now I am not really the type that wants to be the center of attention, even in girl mode while I consider myself to be a little more outgoing, I'm starting to take on my male sides traits of shyness.

Perhaps this does have something to do about it, being that I am alway's "on guard/putting on the act" in male mode trying to make sure my fem side stays hidden. It could have had a lot to do in my social interactions particularly with GG's.

In my mind I always would have this internal conflict being "here is the real thing you wish to be, but that's wrong because you are a man, so be one and get over those desires to be a woman!" I can only imagine how awkward I appeared to the average GG during my dating years. :doh:

[danielle512]

I guess I would fall into that painfully shy catagory as well. It has really affected my whole life and really taken over. The thought of asking a girl out terrifies me or even talking to a stranger. Even posting on forums takes me a while to "build up the courage". I've always wondered if this had something to do with my crossdressing. I do function in society reasonably well, in my opinion. I have been getting better with surpressing the fear over the years. There has to be a psychiatrist on this forum that could give us a little insight on this matter, as to how people develop this shyness. I wasn't always like this. I was a very obnoxious little kid.

[TxKimberly]

Would you believe that in my case it has done both - made me horribly shy AND made me much more outgoing and sociable? Give me a second and that nonsense statement will make better sense. . .

When I was young, let's say about five to eighteen, I was horribly shy. If any kind of school assignment required giving a presentation in front of the other students, you can assume that I got a very poor grade in that class because I would NOT get up in front of them. I clearly recall at least twice getting poor grades in classes where the teacher had made this oral report a significant part of your grade.
"But Matthew, you might fail the class if you dont!" The teacher pleaded with me.
"That's unfortunate, but it was YOUR stupid idea to make it that way. No - I aint doing it!" I said, and I didn't, and I DID fail the class.

The very thought of talking to a girl would make my stomach twist and turn and do flip flops that would make a world class gymnast envious. I recall one pivotal moment when I was walking down the four lane highway at lunch when I was a junior (yes, I was once a young kid before I got so damned old) and there were three or four girls walking toward me on the same sidewalk. I have no idea why, but I virtually panicked at the thought of walking by them and actually crossed the busy highway just to avoid it.
I'm not sure if my shyness was because I'm TG, because I was uncomfortable with my own skin, or completely unrelated, but I most definitely was very shy.

OK, now fast forward to about ten years ago - about the time that I was in my mid thirties. Two significant things occurred at near the same time, and you can give quite a bit of the credit for my current boldness to both: I took a job in field service and started going into the world as a female every chance that I got. I recall a time where every week when I prepared to head out to a new customer I would spend the night before getting sick to my stomach - that's how anxious I was at the idea of meeting new people and trying to do a job with them looking over my shoulder. Well, a few years of doing that will help to drag you out of your shyness, and then we add the force multiplier of my getting out into the world as Kim.

As a genetic male, when you screw up the courage to head out of the door in a skirt and heels, what is left that can possibly make you feel socially uncomfortable? What can possibly happen that would make you more anxious than knowing that everyone around you may or may not realize that you are a really a male? Eventually I started to get so comfortable that I started meeting other TG's when I traveled. I'd say that I went for four or five years where I went well out of my way to meet others on each and every trip I made, and this of course helped pull me farther and farther out of my shyness.

So, yes, I started out very shy, and I do think that it was in large part due to my being TG, but later in life, when I accepted who and what I was and started entering the world that way, it helped to drag me OUT of that shyness.

[Tina B.]

No, always have been a talker,group leader,type. But I am a very private person, only showing a public outwardness while keeping my true feelings tightly wrapped. I spent years as a union negotiator for my fellow employees, because I was always the big mouth out front on every issue, and I enjoyed it.
Tina B.

[kellycan27]

Nope.. I actually came out of my shell once I transitioned. Before I transitioned i was pretty much persona non-grata. People pretty much ignored me, and i pretty much kept to myself. Once I transitioned I started to get a lot of attention which boosted my confidence and self esteem. Now that I am my true self I want to see,touch,smell and experience everything this big beautiful world has to offer.

Kel

[Foxglove]

I could never converse with such beautiful women. I was way too shy and did not feel like much of a guy to win one over.
emmi


I was painfully shy too when I was young. At least that's one description, the other is that I wasn't a 'joiner' because I knew I didn't fit in.
Sandra1746

Both of these things could apply to me. I've also always been a very hot-tempered, angry sort of person, not to mention all over the place emotionally--maybe very cheerful one moment and very gloomy the next.

But it's hard to say how much of this should be attributed to my TGism. Maybe I'd have been more or less the same even if I'd been born "normal".

Best wishes, Annabelle

[pantyhoselover]

Hi Emmi,
Yes, you are not alone! Same feelings as a teenager. My cding was just beginning. I thought it was just a fetish, but as the years went on, I realized the cding and shyness were part of my feminine self. I now love being around women, and the shyness is not as much an issue. I have accepted the fact that I want to be like them and am also sexually attracted to them.
Phlover

[Billie_M]

Posted by TxKimberly
The very thought of talking to a girl would make my stomach twist and turn and do flip flops that would make a world class gymnast envious.

I was very much the same through my school years. How I fell in love and have been married 40+ years remains a mystery. Fortunately my very outgoing wife has helped erode my shyness somewhat over the years.


As a genetic male, when you screw up the courage to head out of the door in a skirt and heels, what is left that can possibly make you feel socially uncomfortable? What can possibly happen that would make you more anxious than knowing that everyone around you may or may not realize that you are a really a male?

How true a statement ! Yet once you have broken that barrier, what a change. I have spent hours with some S/A's browsing the racks, getting a makeover, etc. And it seems I never stop talking.

Yet put me back in drab, drag me somewhere, and watch me hug the wall.

[Jonianne]

I think the fear of rejection was the major contributor of my shyness. Certainly being TG and fearing that others would find out I wanted to do what the girls did, contributed to that shyness. I never dated, never kissed, never went to a dance or prom while in high school. All that was due to my extreme fear of being rejected. (it's really a type of control issue - staying a loner kept me in control of not being hurt, by not reaching out and risking relationships) Getting older, forcing yourself to get involved, learing you can live with rejection by some and finding out you won't be rejected by many others (especially when you discover they were just as afraid as you were) helps you to finally grow and put, at least, some of that shyness behind you. That's why it's so important to learn the lesson that it's OK to try and fail, rather than not try at all.

[Foxglove]

it's really a type of control issue - staying a loner kept me in control of not being hurt, by not reaching out and risking relationships)

Excellent point, Jonianne. I think this is very true of me. I've always been a loner myself, and I know I've always had a great fear of rejection. You've given me something to think about. Thanks.

Annabelle

[PretzelGirl]

I can relate to Kimberly but in a different way. As I was growing up, I was the one that was teased and bullied. I stayed quiet, didn't date much, and didn't follow the crowd. I became a conformist so that I could blend into the crowd and go unnoticed so I could be left alone. I went through high school and 20 years in the Army doing that.

But here is where the difference is. About 10 years ago I started dressing. I had all that shyness but I wasn't a crossdresser until that point, at least I didn't know it. Once I started, it didn't even take my going out before I started changing (maybe part mid-life crisis?). I grew my hair out, got my ears pierced, and started wearing more than shades brown and blue and put color into my life. Getting out as a CD just multiplied the effect.

So does being a CD relate to being shy? I can see the cause and effect as many may not want to give up signs or don't quite feel they fit into groups they are told they should fit into. But I can also see where if we have acceptance of our self, it **may** help us break out of the rut. It probably is simply how our experiences mold us.

[Abby74]

Noeleena,
I have had a very similar experience, dyslexia, hyper, picked on which lead to fights. I'm still very passive unless I'm very mad. Terrible at writing and even explaining myself. If I was more confident and could communicate better I'd stand a better chance at passing and having fun in public. I have great friends but I have to do my part in learn style better. There is so much I don't understand about dressing and style. Some of my friends and I are going out shopping soon and maybe I can get a better understanding of style.

[JamieTG]

When I was much younger I had social anxiety in general but it was much worse when trying to ask a girl out. I had low self esteem and didn't think I "measured up" as a guy. Now that my female side has taken over and the pressure of dating is off, I am much more outgoing and have no problem talking to women. A lot of women have said that they feel very comfortable talking to me, as if I'm one of the girls.

[Kate Simmons]

I'm just the opposite Emmi. Rich is the reserved laid back one and Kate is the extrovert. In fact, I can really be an "in your face" gal unless I curb my enthusiasm.:heehee::battingeyelashes::)

[STACY B]

Me ,,,too ,,,lol,,,lol,,,

[KellyJameson]

In my case I very much believe it is tied to being transgendered. I have many memories of how I behaved at three, four,five years of age and beyond in relation to others. I always held back with what I would later learn to call anxiety and this internal feeling made me very cautious while at the same time I was strongly effected by everything in the world because my mind was open with no natural defenses that male hormones usually provide to boys who often seem indifferent to the effects of a rough and tumble world.

The same reasons for the cautiousness (hormonal/brain structure) also made me emotionally sensitive with an imagination that threatened my ability to know the difference between reality and un-reality because what I imagined felt real and the night terrors parents cope with for me were twenty-four seven.

Fearful of boys I moved toward girls who I feared less and so my identity formed as female and with an imagination that twisted reality the die was cast and I lived opposed to everyone who related to me opposite how I felt/identified.

I did not articulate that I was a girl because the heightened cautiousness that I always lived with made me to passive to assert my identity so my mind compensated by assuming girls had penises just like me, even drawing a picture of my mother naked with a large penis when I was five resulting in the first of many trips to a psychologist.

Looking back I was born as if I had experienced an intense trauma before I was ever born and this caused me to withdraw from life before I ever started so I was shy out of fear born from something that went wrong or did not go as planned.

Puberty changes you forcing you to move out into the world adding to my problems because I did not want to and I felt like my own body was poisoning my mind with testosterone taking the problems of being me and amplifying them exponentially.

The sensitivity of having a mind so open naturally drew me to everything the world has created for women wanting all the pretty things for myself consciously that complemented my subconscious female identity that my mind had adopted and forgot about long ago. This sensitivity also influenced my love for words, music, art, nature, animals and the need to ceaselessly create but for many years suicide was not far from my thoughts and I spent many hours sitting in therapy or reading books on my own about mental illness including pursuing higher education in the field to escape the torment of being me.

I think the seed is planted before birth that creates fertile soil for a female identity to become fixed in a persons mind and once in (adopted) there is no escape because it than becomes you so either you go into it, fight it or both which I think of as going into a boxing ring to fight myself.

I have friends who are drag queens and love the limelight but none of them want to get SRS and they are very much extroverted and I have friends who make money for surgery
by adopting the role of drag queen but they our different and are doing what is necessary to survive so the extroverted enthusiasm is not there, their heart is not into it and you can sense the difference between the two. One is having fun and the other is in pain.

In my mind shyness is a form of self protection and when your identity is contrary to "reality" withdrawing from life is a likely choice but this lives alongside a hunger for connection which some would label as being emotionally needing but is really because the person has been starved for love (acceptance) so in their frantic attempts at connection some would label them as not shy but they are. All of life must emerge from the shadows to eat regardless of how shy and love is food.

[Erica Marie]

I have always been shy. Im always willing to help people, always willing to be a friend if asked, but if I had to walk up to someone and ask them to be my friend, forget it. It is easy if its just everyday routine public things, but as far as relationships and being personal it has always been difficult. Always afraid of rejection. I guess I can contribute alot of that to my dressing. Seems its always in the back of my mind "omg what if some one finds out" so its just easier to be shy and keep to myself. After reading this thread I now know I am not alone anymore.

[ArleneRaquel]

I'm not shy, and I guess that I'm transgendered, as I live as a woman 24/7 but I haven't transitioned nor to I think I ever will. I'm quite flirty and bold, at least when I'm dressed enfemme, less flirty but very talkative while drab.

[whowhatwhen]

Always shy, never fit anywhere growing up and still feel that way today.

[Cheryl T]

I was shy when I was younger, but it had nothing to do with this.
Now that I've come out...I'm far from shy anymore.

[emmicd]

I know it is always better to talk things out and I can see many of you can relate in some ways to how i feel and others did not have to battle shyness. For me it has been a life long struggle just like my transgender issues. I wish to share a hub writing I wrote about my personal struggle with shyness which is applicable to this thread. Thank you!

http://ediann.hubpages.com/hub/Living-with-shyness

emmi

[Loveday]

This a good thread. I have always pondered if shyness and being transgender went together. When I was young I was extremely shy and would even hide behind the furniture when company came to the house. As I got older I learned to handle it better but it is still there and has held me back all my life in many things. When I realized I was a CD late in life I wondered if it would change my shyness, sadly it didn't. I have learned that this is just the way I am and try not to let it bother me.

[Diane Elizabeth]

As I read what others have written about the torture they went thru growing up I reflected upon my distraught childhood. I had speech dyslexia. didn't speak until I was 4. Teased, harassed and bullied all my life. I tried to fit in when I could. But I was nothing but a wallflower hoping no one wouold shine their light at me. Mostly a loner. Ne'er-do-well. Couldn't learn. So I read a lot. Escaped into my books. I am blossoming as I transition. I still have a lot of awkward moments in carrying a conversation, but I feel it is getting better.

[April_Ligeia]

This is a good thread. I have definitely have social anxiety disorder but ironically, because of that, I go out looking however I want because I feel anxious anyway, so I don't have anything to lose.

[Rachel Mari]

Very interesting thread!

I too am very shy. I wouldn't talk at all around the boys when younger because it was safer to not draw attention to myself. That feeling of not wanting attention is still there today (but a little less strongly). And the girls wouldn't have anything to do with me because????
To this day, I feel much more comfortable talking to women than men and still tend to be in the background. If I see someone I would consider attractive, it's very difficult to work up the nerve to talk to them, if ever. I guess it would be that fear of rejection.
It's easy to say in my head "why would they want to know me?"

I never thought before of being TG as having anything to do with the shyness. I just didn't put them together, but it makes a lot of sense.

[April Lyn]

I also have always felt very shy and uncomfortable around others. During a recient conversation with my wife I described it as kinda like how it feels when you have a zit or something and you think that the whole world is just staring at it. thats how if feels for me anyway, can anyone else relate?

- April :o

[SandraAbsent]

I have a very distinct view on shyness. As someone who struggled my entire life with being shy, it was only until I looked at it this way that I was finally able to climb out of it. Lets break down what the emotion really is?

"I" feel uncomfortable approaching new people.
"I" feel uncomfortable in large groups.
"I" fear rejection so "I" will not pursue this romantic interest.
the list can go on, and on, and on...

The point being the central focus on the emotions experienced from being shy is a common one. "I" Now ask yourself, what do we call someone who is only focused on themselves, whether it be introverted, or external? Selfish right? Now once I decided that I was actually being selfish, instead of shy, I quickly rejected the emotion. When I coupled this with finally becoming comfortable in my own shell and started living full-time, I now wonder if people believe I may never shut up. Confidence overcomes many things, and so with confidence and an understanding of what it really means to be shy maybe we can move past it all together!

[Foxglove]

I have a very distinct view on shyness. As someone who struggled my entire life with being shy, it was only until I looked at it this way that I was finally able to climb out of it. Lets break down what the emotion really is?

"I" feel uncomfortable approaching new people.
"I" feel uncomfortable in large groups.
"I" fear rejection so "I" will not pursue this romantic interest.
the list can go on, and on, and on...

The point being the central focus on the emotions experienced from being shy is a common one. "I" Now ask yourself, what do we call someone who is only focused on themselves, whether it be introverted, or external? Selfish right? . . . Confidence overcomes many things, and so with confidence and an understanding of what it really means to be shy maybe we can move past it all together!

Sandra, sorry, you're free of course to analyze your own motives, but I think that suggesting that all shy people are ultimately motivated by selfishness is a bit harsh on them. This thread has been a real eye-opener for me. I've always been pretty shy myself, a loner in ways, fearful of rejection, and it's been amazing to me to see how many other people on this thread have been saying much the same thing.

Can we not find another motive for shyness? Perhaps fear, e.g.? If we link our shyness to our TGism, we all know the guilt and shame we feel, coupled above all with the fear of discovery. We also might feel isolated and lonely. It's no surprise, I think, if we find that all of these emotions can develop into extreme shyness.

But take your examples, and see how they can all be turned around:

"I" feel uncomfortable approaching new people. --> I don't feel uncomfortable approaching new people.
"I" feel uncomfortable in large groups. --> I don't feel uncomfortable in large groups.
"I" fear rejection so "I" will not pursue this romantic interest. --> I don't fear rejection so I will pursue this romantic interest.

In these cases, you could say that such a person is focussed purely on herself, and so we could say that the mainspring behind self-confidence is selfishness.

Sorry, I don't think that we necessarily have to see selfishness as lying behind everybody's shyness. Perhaps in some cases, but not in all of them.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[DCChris]

Shy no more. I was very shy when young, but became increasingly extroverted after High School. College, life and career apparently boosted my self-confidence so much there was little I was afraid of actually doing. This Forum and others empowered me further to take closet CDing to venturing out with comparable confidence.

[Lynn Marie]

I always thought that shyness was simply a fear of being exposed. Like sort of being naked before everybody with your body and deepest thoughts exposed. That's really scary to pretty much everybody until you decide to expose yourself. You have to face your fears, head on, and do the very thing that paralyzes you.

Yes, overcoming our fears can be a daunting task with so many reasons for not facing those fears. Family, work, church, community, friends are all good reasons to keep yourself well covered up and your perverted thoughts hidden. Funny thing is we're all kind of ugly and perverted. Some just hide it better than others. Just more phoney?

[Janine cd]

I agree. I have always been unable to relate to people socially because of shyness. That's why I maried a socially aggresive spouse.

[Badtranny]

what do we call someone who is only focused on themselves, whether it be introverted, or external? Selfish right?

I have to go with Sandra on this one. In fact I was just explaining to someone a few weeks ago about the difference between shy and introverted. Shy people don't get a pass with me because it's my belief that shyness is what happens when you can't get over yourself for whatever reason. I too went through a "shy" phase but when I look back on those years (before the high-school debate team) I realize that my shyness was a direct result of me not wanting to look bad or be rejected by others. I am still an introvert by and large and as a result rarely feel lonely, but I can proudly say that when I finally "got over myself" I was no longer shy.

People who claim to be victimized by shyness are really just victimized by fear of what others may think of them. Being shy is not cute, it's sad and if somebody is too "shy" to stand up and introduce themselves, I wonder what they're hiding.

[Elana]

I can relate a lot to this. I share similar feelings of shyness throughout my life. When i was little i was painfully shy to the point at kindergarten i was put in a ESL program cause the teachers thought i couldnt speak english well. It took a lot of work, and even though i still am shy in a lot of social situations (meeting a group for the 1st time, speaking in front of a group, or being the center of attention) i've been taking a lot more chances in going out femme seems like it helped me with my shyness, and also i tend to be more at ease on a 1 one 1 social situation rather than a larger group of friends. But i can still relate to being shy around girls, especially cute girls for some reason inside of me i relate my femme self to be more of the girl next door shy type.

[Tracii G]

A very good thread so many great replies.
As a kid say 14 -18 years old I was outgoing and had lots of friends but held the TG part of me from everybody.I myself really had no clue what was going on in my head and stayed clueless for many years.Battling my emotions and wondering what was wrong with me.
Overdid the manly part of me trying to prove something I guess thru my 20's.
I was an emotional wreck at best.Feeling manly was really hard because that is not who I was at that time.
I have had two failed marriages and lost a few GF because because I'm too much of a loner and have a hard time dealing with TG issues.
With the help of this site and all you lovely people I was able to finally figure out just what I am.I never imagined there were so many just like me. I will always be very thankful of all the friends here that helped me to realize that.
I have been able to come out to several friends and they have accepted me for who I am on the inside.That is a wonderful feeling!!
Thanks everybody!!

[Barbara Ella]

I was always shy and introverted. Lisped until 9th grade, so did not really want to even speak to people. To date i still find it very difficult to carry on a normal off the cuff conversation. So low self esteem was also at play. I have become quite proficient at rehearsed presentations, speeches etc, (and I mean really rehearsed) so shyness may have diminished, but the rest is still at work. I do not think being TG played into that, as I did not dress until recently, but when dressed as a woman, I do not lose my feelings of inadequacy.

I must say that being on this forum has allowed me to step further away from shyness. Threw that out the closet. Still working on the self esteem.

Barbara

[whowhatwhen]

People who claim to be victimized by shyness are really just victimized by fear of what others may think of them. Being shy is not cute, it's sad and if somebody is too "shy" to stand up and introduce themselves, I wonder what they're hiding.

Oddly enough that is sort-of true in my case, I've always been terrified about how I was being seen and how I was being judged and thus am now introverted and still obsess over being judged.
There isn't anything being hidden though, it's all fear.

[Foxglove]

I have to go with Sandra on this one. In fact I was just explaining to someone a few weeks ago about the difference between shy and introverted. Shy people don't get a pass with me because it's my belief that shyness is what happens when you can't get over yourself for whatever reason. I too went through a "shy" phase but when I look back on those years (before the high-school debate team) I realize that my shyness was a direct result of me not wanting to look bad or be rejected by others. I am still an introvert by and large and as a result rarely feel lonely, but I can proudly say that when I finally "got over myself" I was no longer shy.

People who claim to be victimized by shyness are really just victimized by fear of what others may think of them. Being shy is not cute, it's sad and if somebody is too "shy" to stand up and introduce themselves, I wonder what they're hiding.

Hi, Melissa! I have to say that in a way I'm laughing now because it never would have occurred to me to link shyness and selfishness. Actually, I don't like the term "selfishness" here. From what you and Sandra are saying, I get the impression that what you're talking about is people who are too focused on themselves. So I'll use the term "self-absorption" because "selfishness" means something different to me. But if you and Sandra want to overrule me on this, OK, because they're your ideas.

I was recalling undoubtedly the shyest person I've ever seen. Some years ago, for a short while, I was a member of a group for divorced and separated men. There was one guy there who was so shy he looked like he was tied up in knots, like he was afraid the rest of us at any moment might jump on him and start beating the living daylights out of him. I think in all the meetings I attended, he never said more than a total of 14 words. But the guys were good to him. Nobody pushed him to talk if he didn't want to. People left him alone to take what he could from the meetings. Maybe eventually he'd start feeling more comfortable and come out of his shell.

You've suggested that shy people might be hiding something. I'd say this guy was certainly hiding something. But what could that be? I had no idea. Maybe he was abused as a child. Since he was divorced/separated, maybe he'd been in an abusive relationship. Who's to know what was going on inside him?

There's one thing that I haven't yet said on this thread that I've been intending to say, so I'll say it now: I have yet to meet a shy person who wasn't a very nice person. Maybe others will disagree with me, but in my experience, shy people tend to be nice people. That's why they get a pass with me.

And you say, "People who claim to be victimized by shyness are really just victimized by fear of what others may think of them." Well, yes. But some people have very good reason to fear what others might think of them. On a thread on the media forum just yesterday, I came across an article that gave the result of survey taken among LGBT high school students in the US. Nine out of ten reported that they'd been bullied or harassed at school within the last year. Sometimes fear of others is quite reasonable. If I were a student at such a school, I think I'd be pretty shy.

A lot of times you hear the basic idea that if you just get your head together, you'll be fine. But it's not necessarily true. Because your head isn't the only thing in life. There's a huge world out there that's much bigger and much stronger than any one individual, and it can do all sorts of bad things. You might have a father who regularly beats you because he's never seen any need to control his temper. Or you might go to a school where you're regularly harassed. I think we can say that Chrissy Lee Polis had her act together since she had the courage to transition. But she still got beaten to a pulp.

There are lots of people on this forum who have taken or are taking an emotional pounding. Shyness is in your head, but it can be put there by the experience you've had in life.

There's another point, too. Some people simply aren't very big and strong (that would include me), and it's not helpful to tell such people, "Well, you simply need to be bigger." And there are also people who simply aren't as strong psychologically as others. It's just not in their nature to have much strength, and it's not helpful to tell them, "Well, you need to be stronger."

You need to give them time to get over whatever it is they need to get over. Let them go at their own pace and don't push them. Like the guy in my group, there may be nothing you can do but show him acceptance, but maybe that's something he's never seen before.

In other words, I myself am not inclined to be too hard on shy people. I agree shyness is sad, but I think lots of people have very good reason to be shy. What they need is for life to be a bit kinder to them. Hopefully it will and they'll feel they can come out of their shell.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[nikkijo]

Nope.. I actually came out of my shell once I transitioned. Before I transitioned i was pretty much persona non-grata. People pretty much ignored me, and i pretty much kept to myself. Once I transitioned I started to get a lot of attention which boosted my confidence and self esteem. Now that I am my true self I want to see,touch,smell and experience everything this big beautiful world has to offer.

Kel

some of us want that.... but can we just keep others away painfully shy doesnt describe it well enough..... but lets analize why... lost my wife, a friend, and partner of 8 years... to comming out, been raped, been asaulted, so unless you want to see me cry when i try to meet you for the first time know im VERY VERY shy and timmid... at first.......

[Jenniferathome]

No, I do not think there is any correlation. I am not at all shy as all my friends would attest.

[Lorileah]

Just the opposite actually. When I am dressed I am more gregarious

[Frédérique]

If you are transgender whether you are a cross dresser, transsexual or somewhere on the spectrum has your being transgender contributed to your shyness? I am a female trapped and I am going through the motions in life feeling I am not expressing the real me which is heart breaking and probabaly the reason i am so painfully shy and have been all throughout my life.

I was shy before I crossdressed, and I feel my CD’ing grew out of this condition. In a way, dressing as a girl, a woman, a lady, or whatever, has helped me to overcome shyness. I had to gather enough courage to go out and get the clothing and accessories to make ME appear, and then I quite logically felt the desire to go forth in my new “uniform.” I was bullied a lot in school, for various reasons, even though I was outwardly very normal in terms of gender. However, I was put-upon from an early age, and I painted myself into a corner of my own making just to avoid confrontation…
:o

These days I’m much LESS shy than I used to be, but there are times when I would rather not show myself. Whenever I think I’m shy, I’ll see a truly shy person and realize how confident or comfortable I am by comparison – with this in mind, I think shyness is relative, and I can no longer use the word “shy” to describe my relation to the world. So, I can’t say that crossdressing, or trans- anything has contributed to my shyness - rather, I see it as a cure for what ailed me…
:battingeyelashes:

[giuseppina]

Hi Emmi

I am also painfully shy, but it has little to do with crossdressing. I've given hints on the reason elsewhere on the board.