Not Sure

[tonidouglas]

I have just been reading through "Wifes Ultimatum" post's and have seen some good information. I came out to my wife about 10 years ago with some ugly results. She cried and then kept asking me if I wanted to be a woman and if I liked guys and on and on. She asked me to see a counsuler to see if I could stop and you all know how that goes. Well I put that part of me back in the closet and am on hold until I know better what to do. She asks me from time to time whether or not I am dressing again and I feel I cannot tell her. I know may in here feel that complete truth is the only way but I feel a need to protect her and the kids. I test the waters from time to time about her acceptance and she still seems a bit closed minded so for now I will remain unsure of how to deal with me.

[Laura912]

It seems that you have chosen a safe way to handle this and are respecting your wife and looking out for the kids. IMHO this is a commendable way to deal with a complex issue and one that has the best chance to lead to something with which you both can be happy. You might ask her, when she asks if you are still dressing, "how do you feel about that?"

[tonidouglas]

Thank you that is a great idea I wil have to remember that sometimes when you get caught up in an idea like being in the closet ideas like that often get lost by the circumstances of the moment.

[Danni Renee]

Well the truth is always best, when practical. It really comes down to your ability to live with yourself and your decisions. I came out to my girlfriend, my ex-wife, and my Mother and I did not have any problems, they are all accepting. However, I have not told my kids and I still keep it under cover for them. I hope to one day come out to them but for now I have to think about what is best for them. It is hard an I feel a constant tug to stop hiding and to be my true self.

Danni

[RADER]

Telling your partner can be easy or impossible depending on the SO.
My wife had no problem with it, I was lucky. But I still go slow, and not to scare
her by giving the double barrel shot treatment. She lets me dress at home anytime I want.
But I do not take advantage of the privilege by over doing it.
Take it Slow works for me, and I bet it will work for you also.
Remember, she still wants to see her MAN once in a while.
Rader
Rader

[Lyndaloves]

I hear you and honestly know where you're coming from.
It's the same at my house, I would love to come out to the wife and have mentioned it but with ugly results.
So I keep my activities hidden.
As for the daughter, I'd stay in the closet.
But I would sure like my own breasts lol

Lynda

[kandice74]

just had to say as a gg dating a cd that i really respect and admire your thoughts on this Rader!!!

[Kate T]

OK, as a husband of 15 years who only told his wife a little over 15 months ago you could say I perhaps am just displaying the zealotry of conversion (and yes my wife did take it spectacularly well).

I feel you need to tell you wife AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. What I mean by that is that you have to know exactly what it is you are telling your wife. Get information (from here and other websites) be ready for her questions (check out Loved ones Forum) and tell her as well as you can.


I know may in here feel that complete truth is the only way but I feel a need to protect her and the kids.

2 Things:
1. Accept responsibility for the fact that whilst you may be "protecting" your children and your wife, what you are also "protecting" is yourself. You will not defeat your fears if you do not face them.
2. Whilst you can take some responsibility for your children, this is NOT your decision to make for your wife. SHE gets to make that decision, not you. If she decides that she does not want to know about it (Don't ask, dont tell) then so be it. But you have already indicated that she has asked.

It's not easy. I know that. But every partner deserves respect and to be told the truth, particularly when they ask.

[ReineD]

It occurs to me that your wife might be asking questions because she knows that you are dressing? If there is even the slightest possibility that she suspects, then I think you should tell her the truth. And if she does suspect that something is amiss, as it stands she can do nothing other than fill in all the blanks by herself with what she thinks she knows about the CDing, such as believing you want to be with men, or perhaps believing you are having an affair with one and biding your time until you can go ahead and transition so that you can be with him or someone else.

But about your concerns: you say that you're afraid she may still be closed minded. There's a difference between believing the CDing is a sickness or a perversion, and just plain fear and confusion based on no understanding of what the CDing is all about. Based on your account of the conversation 10 years ago, it sounds as if your wife is the latter. If this is the case, there is no getting around facing the reality and going through the painful learning times, the difficult and uncomfortable conversations. Yes, there will be ugly results in the beginning and this can't be avoided. Your wife will not be able to learn more about the CDing in order to get to the point of understanding, until you let her know who you are and what you want and need. And then you'll need to do what you do with her full knowledge, whether she chooses to be involved or not. She'll need to know where you go, what you do, what you buy, and why you need to do this. Her understanding and eventual acceptance (or tolerance) will only grow once she is exposed.

There is a risk that your marriage might end over this, but in my opinion, the wives who divorce their husbands over the CDing do so because the husbands are not fully truthful, do not openly discuss every detail or answer all the questions and so the wives continue to fill in the blanks by believing their husbands just aren't happy being their husbands anymore. Or, the relationships break down because the husbands don't want to respect their wives' boundaries by slowing down while the wives are on their own learning curves.