Litmus Test: It's all your fault, you know

[Foxglove]

Now, Girls, I really think it’s all your fault. I’m in a right fix now, and I believe it’s your fault.

A short time ago, I was placidly leading my dull, (literally) drab little existence—until I discovered this forum. And now I really don’t know what to do. When I saw all the exciting things so many of you were doing, I knew I could no longer be content if I didn’t start doing such things myself. I never liked drab, but I had resigned myself to it for the most part, had come to terms with it. But you all made me realize what kind of terms they were. They were terms of surrender.

Where’s all this coming from? Back in the old days I was never too ambitious as far as my CDing was concerned. I did very little with make-up and never even owned a wig. Things are different now. I’ve recently got all the cosmetics I wanted—a rather limited range, since I wanted to keep things simple at first. My first few efforts were comical, but recently I’ve made great progress.

I think from now on I’ll celebrate May 4th as my true birthday because it was a couple of days ago I finally got things pretty much right. And when it was done and I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I gasped with surprise. Complete transformation. For the first time in my life I was actually seeing my true self—no longer just feeling her stirring within, but actually seeing her. What a sight!

You see, the question for me lately has been whether I’d ever have the ambition to get out in public. I was thinking probably not. But now that I’ve seen my true self, I no longer want to see that other self, that charlatan, that interloper, that usurper of the throne. I don’t want to see anything any more but me. My true self has come out, and I want to come out, too.

The question is, if I’m going to do it, can I do it in this little town I’m living in? Maybe those of you who live in small towns (and my town is about 4000) can tell me how you get on. I’ve seen for myself how a T-girl can blend in in a large city. You just walk down the street, and nobody in all the crowds pays any attention to you.

In this town, I’d stick out like a sore thumb, and I’m completely on my own here. I’ve been thinking about moving to a bigger place, but that would involve some real difficulties (e.g., shortage of money). And this is a nice town—a nice town for a single guy, and a nice town for a single girl. I know people here, and I feel like I’m among friends. The question is, if I came out, how many of them would still be my friends?

The little frustrations of being in the closet. E.g., yesterday in the supermarket I saw some girl socks I wanted. But I can’t buy them because everybody knows I’m on my own, and I’d be outing myself to the whole town. There’s lots of little frustrations like that. The big frustration is that if I want to dress (which I do all the time) I have to lock myself in my flat, given that the landlord lives downstairs. I don’t feel like I’m in the closet any more. I feel like I’m in prison, and I want my parole. I don’t want to just get out in public from time to time. I want to live the remaining years of my life as my true self.

But can I come out in this town? I’ve been thinking of doing a litmus test: I could talk things over with two people I know and like, Rachel and Ahmed. Rachel’s the librarian and I’m a regular user. We’ve known each other for years, we get along great, and she’s got a good head on her shoulders. I could ask her how she thought this town would react to me. I don’t think she’d really know. How can you predict something like that? But I could gauge her own reaction to the news. If she reacts with horror and outrage, that might tell me something about what I could expect from the rest of the town.

(One thing I know I can expect from this town: using my legal name, you can come up with a cute, little nickname for me, which isn’t very nice at all. It would take people about 1.32 seconds to think of it, and that’s what I’d be called in this town—at least behind my back (which is OK), but I wouldn’t put it past certain people I’ve run into to say it to my face. I suppose I’d just have to grin and bear it, wouldn’t I?)

Ahmed’s the doctor. He did a bit of work on me not too long ago (removing a mole), and I think he likes me. For one thing, I paid up straightaway, and also I told him a funny doctor joke. (A man goes to see the doctor. The doctor gives him six months to live. It turned out that the man couldn’t pay his bill. So the doctor gave him another six months.)

Ireland is a bit strange. It’s always good to have a doctor on your side. If I’m going to come out, I’m going to have certain dealings with officialdom. And such dealings are always easier if you’ve got a doctor backing you up. TGism isn’t a medical question, but in Ireland it’s still considered one. Legislation that’s now being considered, that would give legal recognition to TG people, would require them to see a shrink. So if I’m going to be an official “girl” in this country, I’m going to have dealings with the medical crowd anyway. So why not do it now and see if I can get one friendly man on my side?

These are the sorts of questions I’m mulling over these days. A year ago such questions were the furthest thing from my mind. I may be getting lost in the Pink Fog, and I need to keep my head. Whatever happens in the future, everything is upside down now. Girls, it’s all your fault, you know. And I bless you for that.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Laura912]

A lot of unknowns and uncertainties, almost too many to be able to help because they all carry risks. A village of 4000 souls in Ireland probably has a gossip line like any similar town in the states. If one person knows eventually all will know except for telling the doctor especially if you do it under patient confidentiality. However that could affect your friendship and do you want that? Turn on the pink fog lights and go very slowly.

[Sandra1746]

This site has also caused my Fem Persona to blossom, fortunately for me my wife is the only one really affected and she is moderately-accepting; and getting better with time. I'm "out" in public in really casual Fem clothes, light jewelry and long hair but there's no real town or "social network" in the area that I care about. I can't advise you beyond that.

Maybe talking to your friends is a good start but the chance of being "outed" is something you have to prepare for as it will likely happen sooner or later in a small town. One path would be little steps; getting your ears pierced and wearing small earrings to start, another is wearing a neck chain. Those are stylish for men over here but I don't know about your area. More feminine earrings and different necklaces can be added over time. You could let your hair grow out if that's possible for you. That change is so very slow that it can be overlooked by others for a long time.

Time is your friend and if you can make small changes they are likely to be accepted better by the locals than a big sudden change. Of course if you are off somewhere distant on holiday then you can go a bit further... Just be careful, use common sense and don't get lost in the "pink fog". Best of luck and best wishes for your new life.

Hugs,
Sandra1746

[daarleane]

Ah yes, life in a small town. There are no secrets whether in Ireland of America. Everybody knows everything or so they think. What to do?sounds like the Dr is a good start for professional reasons. Also ask your friend at the library for some information on the subject, that should open up the subject so to speak. One small step at a time. Gauge the wind.

[Marleena]

A lot of unknowns and uncertainties, almost too many to be able to help because they all carry risks. A village of 4000 souls in Ireland probably has a gossip line like any similar town in the states. If one person knows eventually all will know except for telling the doctor especially if you do it under patient confidentiality. However that could affect your friendship and do you want that? Turn on the pink fog lights and go very slowly.

Agree.:) I read a line here the other day: you can't take it back once you tell. Be careful. Sometimes all the positive outcomes you read here might not be your case then it's too late.

[Foxglove]

Thanks for all your replies, girls. You're absolutely right: I definitely need to look before I leap. The problem is, I think this is one of those situations where no matter how long you look, you still can't possibly foresee what's going to happen once you do finally leap.

The fact that everyone in town would know about it doesn't bother me. What I wonder about is how they'll react to it. This is a quiet town, and there aren't many bully boys walking around. But with my size, it only takes one. People can talk about me all they like. It's what they might do that I'm wondering about. E.g., all the places where I currently shop--I can't imagine any of those people saying, "We don't want your business any more." They're good people--but you just never know.

One thing I worry about is losing people's good opinion of me--those who currently have a good opinion of me, which I suppose isn't everybody. In theory, you shouldn't worry about what other people think of you. But I don't think things are so simple. When it's a question of someone you like and respect, you want them to like and respect you, too. I think it's right to worry about the opinion of someone you like and respect yourself. If it's someone you don't give two hoots about, you wouldn't worry about what they think. But with those you like, you'll work harder to retain their respect. It's mainly those people I'm thinking about. Would they be disappointed in me? Even if people are wrong to think that you've let them down, you still don't want them to feel that you have.

On the other hand, I'm mightily frustrated these days. When, e.g., I feel I have to get on the train and go to another town to buy some socks, that's a serious hindrance to the way I want to live. Or if I order something on line, since I can't predict what day it's going to arrive, I have to be in drab for several days perhaps in order to be ready for the postman when he arrives with the parcel. And I especially like having my nails painted. But if I want to go buy a few things, then the polish has to come off. And then back on with it when I get home. It's little things and big things that make me want to say the hell with it and just come out.

So what to do? You're all right. I need to think about things carefully and not do anything drastic.

Annabelle

[PretzelGirl]

One thing I worry about is losing people's good opinion of me--those who currently have a good opinion of me, which I suppose isn't everybody. In theory, you shouldn't worry about what other people think of you. But I don't think things are so simple.

Annabelle, I tend to think in the manner that if you get the good opinion of others, then all you have to do is keep acting the same and you will keep that opinion with the majority of them. If they find out about you and then you go in a shell, then it gives them a reason to think you are hiding or ashamed. If they see the status quo, then it is comforting to still have that same friend and people like to stay with what is comfortable.

Now the reason I say most is because you can't help those that have biases. Some people get things in their heads and you can't get past it. I am sure that everyone who has fully come out has dealt with one or more people like that.

[Foxglove]

Annabelle, I tend to think in the manner that if you get the good opinion of others, then all you have to do is keep acting the same and you will keep that opinion with the majority of them. If they find out about you and then you go in a shell, then it gives them a reason to think you are hiding or ashamed. If they see the status quo, then it is comforting to still have that same friend and people like to stay with what is comfortable.


I think this is a good point, Sue. I'm becoming more and more comfortable with my TGism all the time. No point in communicating that I'm ashamed of it and thereby confirm whatever biases others may have.

Annabelle

[Wildaboutheels]

Annabelle, if there is one thing I have learned in life, it's that you can never predict how different folks are going to react to things, even the most trivial of things. Even best friends. No matter how long you have known them. No matter how bright or sharp or understanding they are. No matter their IQ. And like all of us, is there ANYone you trust completely besides yourself? No matter who, if anyone, you decide they tell, they might tell just one person THEY trust and on it goes. Don't know if you have ever had a cat but there is a good reason for the expression "once you let the cat out of the bag..."

I know MANY otherwise bright, educated, articulate people whose minds turn to mush, and all reasoning goes out the window, when quite a few issues come up such as politics, religion, abortion or gays. And if you don't agree with THEIR viewpoints you are either wrong or an idiot or both. I have met very few people who don't have some issue that sets them off.

What I believe is that any true friends will remain friends no matter what you decide to do with your outward public appearance, although, should you decide to go public, don't be surprised if some might not want to be seen or associated with you in public. I think most people are so very self conscious of their own public image.

I think Sandra had some good suggestions about starting slowly because most people are very unobservant for the most part and if you change slowly, it might be easier for many to accept.

Ideally, at least a weeks vacation elsewhere would be a decent test to see if dressing fully every day in public gives you all the joy and happiness you expect it will. Of course you won't be interacting and hanging out with your friends which is what I imagine is the most important part of it all.

Good Luck.

[Foxglove]

You're absolutely right. People are very unpredictable. That's why I'm so torn apart (in two minds) on this issue.

This suggestion of going away for a week's holiday en femme is a good one, one I'll consider.

But dressing fully every day is something I'm enjoying now. I work from home on-line, and I thoroughly enjoy being dressed for it. What hangs me up is the postman delivering something or my need to go out shopping, etc. That's when I have to go into drab-mode. Basically, it's no more than about 10% of my time right now (in the ordinary run of things) when I need to be in drab. And so a complete change of life-style would only affect about 10% of my life. But that 10% is a huge factor, given that I'd be dealing with other people who might not be accepting. And this would include my landlord who might prefer me to find other accomodation.

But you see, this is another source of frustration for me: that such a small slice of my life is a real hindrance to my being a full-time girl.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Miriam-J]

Annabelle,

Small towns aren't too different anywhere, and I'm glad to see that you're working through the risks fairly objectively.

Consider first whether Rachel is one who is known to keep confidences. If she's been a frequent source of gossip to you, then you can't consider anything to be secure. Doctors are supposed to keep all secrets, but some do this better than others.

It might help to project yourself into your future. Do you expect to stay in this town for the rest of your life, or just a few years? If the rest of your life, then a release from your 'prison' might be worth the risk. If not, it's best to find other releases (e.g., the holiday away) and continue in the privacy of your home until the day comes when you can find a more welcoming environment.

I wish you the best of wisdom as you work through this.

Miriam

[Foxglove]

Thanks, Miriam. I am trying to think about this objectively. I know I need to keep my head here, and you girls are doing wonderfully well at helping me do that.

Rachel's never done any gossiping around me. True, I mainly see her in the library. But if I want to discuss this with someone to get their take on the town, she'd be a good one. I could perhaps think of someone else.

As for the doctor, yes. Will he keep my secret? I'm considering that, too.

As for this town, as things stand now, I plan on living the rest of my life here. Of course, plans can change. But for the time being, that's what I'm looking at. Unless I decide that in order to come out, I need to go to a bigger place.

And yes, I certainly need a lot of wisdom here. I wish I knew where I could buy some. I'd even be willing to go buy it in drab.

Thanks, Miriam, and best wishes, Annabelle.

[shaunamac]

Annabelle. how about making a slow transition with a somewhat ambiguous androgynous look, you can be underdressed right,. Certainly peoples' opinion of you will be changed once they cotton on, some perhaps negatively so. The doctor is bound to be private about patients. Your landlord may need to be the first one to be let in, or at least sounded out. In the end , you only have one time around, don't let life pass you by......!!!

[Foxglove]

This suggestion has been made, that I should try a slow transition rather than going the whole hog all at once. It's a suggestion worth considering. It's not something that I've thought about at all. I have gone out underdressed, but totally drab as far as anybody else can see. The idea of wearing some sort of necklace or getting my ears pierced--I don't know. It doesn't really seem to be me.

I think maybe this is because I feel a real divide in me. If I'm going to have to be in drab, then I'll resign myself to drab. But if I'm going to be fem at all, I want to go the whole way. So can I compromise on this? Perhaps. It's an idea worth thinking about.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[eire emma]

Hi Annabelle,
You're absolutely right, Ireland is a strange place! I live in the country and have to go to cork city to go out en femme. If I done it locally or.in the nearest town I think I'd never live it down. I think you need to be careful cause a lot of Irish people can be strange as well,say one thing to your face and something else when your gone, I'd love to dress more often but I have to make the sacrifice cause I still live at home and am not out to them, maybe if you haven't any family living in the area it would be easier? Just think about it and be careful. Slan,Emma.

[mbmeen12]

When is your next holiday? I would take your time and don't go out in a town 4000 people. UNLESS you are ready to put up with a few words thrown your way at the pub. Pack your bags and drive to a destination of your choice/logistics and dress up and with other gurls...Annabelle that is why Stacy's B has the great idea of the CD town/city/island...

[Foxglove]

I think you need to be careful cause a lot of Irish people can be strange as well,say one thing to your face and something else when your gone . . . maybe if you haven't any family living in the area it would be easier?


Annabelle that is why Stacy's B has the great idea of the CD town/city/island...

I wouldn't be so much concerned with what people who don't know me would say behind my back. People will talk, nothing you can do about it, and I wouldn't worry about that. My main concern would be whether I'd be left alone to go about my business and live my life. Small towns are a special case.

I don't have any family in the area. My son is currently in Dublin, the other side of the country. But you know how it is in Ireland. If I were to go out on the town right now (11:50 AM), he'd know about it by bedtime. The first thing that would have to happen if I wanted to come out in this town would be to tell him. Better for him to hear about it from me than from someone else, because in this country he will inevitably hear about it.

And yes, that was a brilliant idea Stacy came up with--deserving of a Nobel Prize. If only it could become a reality. (Sigh!!!)

Thanks, girls, for your input. Annabelle

[Alberta_Pat]

Annabelle;

You already know how you would be accepted in your town.

Look around, see how others who show "oddities" are treated. You would be accepted, or not, in a similar manner.

Consider the person who has been "mutilated". Look at how those with "mental illness" are perceived.

You will find that most people will take that same attitude towards your revelations. Who knows, if you are treated with the respect you have already earned, others may join you in your walks through life.

[JessHaust]

Annabelle,
Your and everyone here are right, small towns are much different than large cities where you can blend into the framework of everyday life. But, what I think really matters, is not what everyone thinks, but what the people you care about think. If the lady down the street thinks you are a nut, and you never talk to her, who cares? We all get wrapped up in public opinion when often it's impact on our lives is minimual. Pick your best friends and test the water. Find out how they feel about someone who crossdresses. You dont have to out yourself to accomplish this if you are clever with your conversation.
Decide for yourself whose opinions matter to you and to hell with the rest. Its your life and not theirs, besides, don't some of them do things you find strange? How does this effect their lives? Do you treat them that much different just because they do theses things?
Only you can answer these for your self, only you can choose your life, so just make sure you are choosing and not letting public opinion do it for you.

[Amber Chen]

Annabelle:
Have you looked around online to find a CD/TV/TS/TG get-together relatively nearby for you? I spent a wonderful weekend at one of these here in the States (Provincetown, MA), and met some wonderful people, as well as experienced 2 1/2 days of being totally en-femme!!

I understand your wanting to "go all the way" when *dressed*, but, as the old saying goes: "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step". Take things one step at a time, and be careful. This crossing over takes practice!

[Foxglove]

Jess, you're right about this. There is a division here, and it's one that I've always had in mind. There are those I know and like, and those I don't. I'm primarily concerned with those I know and like. I would like for them to continue to like me.

As for the others, the concern I have is whether they're going to leave me in peace. What they actually think about me is neither here nor there.

You've just reminded me of my neighbours across the street. It's not very kind of me, I know, but I've always called them "Mr and Mrs Statistic", because they do absolutely everything, right down to the tiniest detail, according to the book. What is a middle class couple supposed to do? How are they supposed to live? Just observe the Statistics.

I look at the way other people live, and even setting aside my TGism, I'm an oddball. I've never done anything according to the book. It's one reason I don't see my TGism as any big deal. It's just one more oddity about me.

I think my own immediate neighborhood (apart from my landlord) might be OK. It's a very quiet area. It's older people generally, and there are very few kids here. The town as a whole is a quiet one. You don't often hear about much rowdiness.

I've never cared much about public opinion. As I say, I don't care what other people think, as long as they leave me alone. The problem is that what they think might lead them to do the opposite of leaving me alone. That's what I can't gauge at all. I've been in this town many years now, and I still can't guess which way they would go with this.

Best wishes, Annabelle

A note to Amber, who was posting at the same time: as a matter of fact, I've just found an LGBT organization in a larger town not far from me. I didn't even know they existed. I've already sent them an e-mail, hoping that they can put me in contact with other TG people. So I believe I'll soon be able to meet some other people, maybe do a few things with them. I'd look forward to that very much. I really do need some sort of outlet now. I'm tired of being cooped up at home. This would be a very good outlet.

Thanks and best wishes, Annabelle

[Miriam-J]

This suggestion has been made, that I should try a slow transition rather than going the whole hog all at once. It's a suggestion worth considering. It's not something that I've thought about at all. I have gone out underdressed, but totally drab as far as anybody else can see. The idea of wearing some sort of necklace or getting my ears pierced--I don't know. It doesn't really seem to be me.
There are some interesting possibilities that can appear innocuous to most observers ...

Getting your ears pierced isn't such a big deal anymore. A lot of the young adults do it already, but not many my age (not sure of yours). Still, I barely got a remark in the first week after getting mine and barely a glance from anyone now. Besides giving you a little satisfaction, it opens a world of pretty earrings that you can wear when dressed en femme. There are a number of necklaces that can give you satisfaction while also attracting little attention. Together, these things just suggest that you're connecting with the younger crowd rather than 'acting your age'.

Some also go with women's sweaters or blouses that could are indiscernible from men, but I guess I don't see the point - especially if I can't tell either. Underdressing though can provide some satisfaction, if it's not uncomfortable for you. Tough to handle the bras in the warm Indiana summer (and it shows through), but it might work in damp old Ireland until July or August.

Just a few more thoughts.

Miriam

[busker]

Annabelle, without knowing exactly where you are on the spectrum of TG , it is difficult to say but there may be some compromise that is best. For example, would you say that the CD aspect is more than 50% of your interest, or would you say that being internally femme was more than 50%? are you at a place in your thinking that if all things were possible, you would transition to TS, pre- or post-op?
You know that old hackneyed phrase, close don't make the man (or woman), and since you work at home, and presumably will do so indefinitely, do you have to appear in public dressed? Is your femininity more mental than physical (dressing). If you were in prison and you were TG, you would be wearing stripes and an unflattering uniform. Just exactly how much to the clothes mean in your daily life? Are they all that concern you? Why is it important that people see you dressed? You don't have to prove it all the time that you are TG. If you were a genius you wouldn't want to spend everyday going around and showing people your abilities, would you?
On the forum, there is talk of femininity, but there seems to be more concern with clothes, the outward appearance that really has no connection with being feminine, if you understand my drift--or maybe I'm just drifting off into outer space. Anyway, just some ideas to think about.

[Foxglove]

Hi, Miriam! Underdressing is something I do quite often. It's not really satisfactory, but I do it because it's better than nothing. And the Irish weather is cooperative here. I'm fairly cold-natured, and Ireland is a cool climate. A day in the 70's is fairly rare. We can go entire summers without seeing one. So I'm almost always wearing a jacket. No worries about the bra showing through.

And to Busker: you're asking a lot of very good questions here. Without addressing each one individually I can say this. How to explain what I feel about my clothes? I love them, and I feel that they are what I should be wearing. When I have to be in drab, that's when I feel like I'm dressed inappropriately. I've always known that I'd have been happier in life as a female. If I'd had any sense at all when I was young, I'd have explored the possibility of transitioning. I can't say for sure that I'd have done it, because that's a very big question, but it's something I would seriously have considered.

Since I work from home, I'd guess that I can probably be dressed 90% of the time. So it might sound like I'm quibbling here. Why should 10% be such a big deal? It's because the 10% actually turns out to be bigger than that. For various reasons, big and small. E.g., because I live in an upstairs flat, my windows look out on the street. If I didn't keep the curtains drawn for the most part, I'd be giving the neighborhood a show. Also, I keep my door locked just on the off-chance the landlord might come up. He almost never does, but it only takes once. In other words, I'm in a locked-up flat with the curtains drawn. That's why I said earlier that I feel like I'm in prison. If I were out of the closet, my place could be like a normal place.

There are other inconveniences too numerous to list, but just a couple of examples. I like keeping my nails painted. Don't ask why, just my thing. If I want to go out, the polish has to come off. Then it goes back on when I get back--unless I'm planning to go out again. It's the same with make-up. I can't put it on if I foresee I'm going to have to go out again. Basically, if I want to wear nail polish and make-up, I have to plan on not setting foot outside my flat for the entire day.

If I order something on line, I have to be available for delivery. But when will the stuff be delivered? You can't always predict it very closely. So I may have to be in drab in the morning for several days waiting for the postman to bring the stuff (since the postman always comes round in the late morning). Unless it's being delivered by courier, and then it can come any time. And I don't always know if something's coming by post or courrier.

And there are other things like this. In other words, it would be a lot handier for me to simply choose one lifestyle or the other. And there's no doubt as to which I prefer. But it's not that it's important to me to have other people see me dressed, and I'm not trying to prove all the time that I'm TG. I simply want to be me, I want to live the way that makes me happy. This back-and-forth routine is far better than nothing, but it is a right nuisance in ways. Which is why I'd like to find a better option.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[kimdl93]

well, I'd start with your friend Rachel, the librarian. Then perhaps later with the good doctor. I wouldn't tell them to seek advice, but rather to simply be "out" to someone. Its a good place to start.

As for the rest of the town, its a good question - and a good time to start asking yourself. Look up a decision tree on line, it might help you make informed decisions about whether to stay or move, and who to tell and when.

[Foxglove]

Thanks, Kim. I always value your advice because I know you have so much experience with this sort of thing. I was just telling myself today, "Don't do anything hasty!" I've even been thinking about setting a time limit--e.g., whatever I decide to do, leave it to 2013. Give myself plenty of time to look around, test the waters, etc. But the main point of the time limit would simply be to ensure that I don't do anything quickly that I might just as quickly regret.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Frédérique]

The question is, if I’m going to do it, can I do it in this little town I’m living in? Maybe those of you who live in small towns (and my town is about 4000) can tell me how you get on. I’ve seen for myself how a T-girl can blend in in a large city. You just walk down the street, and nobody in all the crowds pays any attention to you.

I live in a small town, population under 4,000, and I cannot walk down the street dressed as I wish to be, but consider where I live, what the general mindset is, and what TIME I’m living in. I would have to drive some distance to the nearest large city, where I would no doubt continue to stick out like the deviant I appear to be, so it’s hardly worth the trip. In my little corner of the world, with everyone fostering a blinkered view of “correct” behavior, I cannot expect to be ignored or dismissed, since everybody knows everyone else, and someone will see me…

However, I don’t know many people here in town, which helps me to “get on.” I mean, I wouldn’t saunter down to the local watering hole in my finest frock and strike up a conversation about herbicide, or sports, or the state of the economy, simply because it’s impossible. I wouldn’t do it in drab, either, since I prefer to stay at home, do what I like, and dress up for myself. Whenever I come in contact with the locals I can detect this entrenched group attitude about “values” that makes their world spin – the genders are slotted into their allotted places in society, and any travel from one to the other is strictly choreographed. In this atmosphere of non-deviancy, I would be noticed…

Of course, I didn’t come here to crossdress openly – I came here to live in a quiet place, where I would be undisturbed. Crossdressing is a private pursuit, the path I chose a long time ago, and I wish to preserve it as such. I would crossdress no matter where I lived, indeed I have done so, going out regardless of what everyone thinks of me, but staying just “under the radar.” So far, so good – it doesn’t take much to keep me happy…
:battingeyelashes:

[Miriam-J]

This does bring another possibility to mind, Annabelle, but it's easier in the midwest US than in Ireland. You could stay near your small town, but instead of a flat on a street where you always run the risk of being seen (and have to construct a self-prison to avoid detection) you could move to a quieter place. This might even be a quiet flat in the country, and might even include a yard where you can go out dressed (especially with an understanding landlord). I can't know much about the economic side of this, but I do seem to remember that the flats in the country were often less expensive than those in town. Transportation might be an issue since I seem to remember you don't have a car, but the place might be a reasonable walk to the town centre.

Just another possibility to help you survive a few years with a bit more satisfaction ...

Miriam

[Foxglove]

Hi, Freddy! I have to say that your small town experience doesn't exactly encourage me. Of course, Kansas and Ireland are different--or are they so different in this regard?

Funny, Miriam, that you should mention the possibility of living in the country. I used to live in the country outside the town I'm currently in. My circumstances changed and it became necessary for me to move into town, but I enjoyed the years in the country. True, I don't have a car, and that made things a bit difficult at times, but on the whole they were very good years.

It was a very small community out there. There was actually a gay fellow in the area, and nobody bothered him. Whether it was out of open-mindedness or not is hard to say, but it could have been because he was the nastiest man you've ever seen, and he had two brothers who were just as nasty. I remember one woman telling me how "he had a problem", and she sounded pretty shocked, but when people are talking like that, it's hard to gauge how shocked they really are.

I was renting a little house for myself and my son, and we did in fact have a nice, big back garden, the type of place I could certainly enjoy now. I don't know how the people of the area would have reacted to my girly habits if I'd been indulging them at the time. These things are always hard to know, aren't they? There were lots of nice people out there, but TGism is a real test of people's open-mindedness.

As I say I enjoyed living in the country, and it would be worth considering whether I wouldn't want to try it again.

Best wishes, Annabelle