Chest Shaving

[Susan0102 GG]

Help me please....

It's me again..the wife who knows....with the husband that does not know she knows hes dressing......and I can't get it out of him nor have the nerve to bring it up...

If he shaves his chest- says it's for me...when he KNOWS I like the chest hair.....what does that REALLY mean?

Naive wife trying to save marriage.....

[Wenda]

OK... that is complex. He doesnt know you know, but he knows you like the chest hair and he says he shaves it for you. Communication is an issue.not sure it relates to dressing.

[Joanne08]

Susan,

He is not being honest with you. He wants to shave his chest hair for her (him). I think he assumes you will like it.

I think Wenda is on it, you two have a communication problem. Can't you just ask him about his dressing? Tell him of your acceptance (assuming you do accept it) and offer to be his sounding board or to help him. You don't know what a lucky guy he is to have you who is interested in his well being. He doesn't know how lucky he is to have you. Maybe you should show him this forum, if he registers you could private message each other as a way to get him to talk.

Good Luck! You are wonderful to take the initiative.

Love, Jo

[dawnmcdaniels]

have you tried the back door approach...The next time you have some alone time try something new like painting his toenails. that should open up the door for discussion

[nancy58]

have you tried the back door approach...The next time you have some alone time try something new like painting his toenails. that should open up the door for discussion

Before I came out to my wife, I might have been mortified had she suggested doing something like painting my toenails -- even though I did the same (in a non-CD context) one summer while I was in college. I was (maybe still am) sufficiently insecure in my masculinity to feel threatened by any insinuation that I wasn't a regular guy. So go slowly!

Whether you are willing to participate with his crossdressing or not, you two do need to talk about what is going on. Shaving the chest may not be a CD behavior (you'd need other evidence, such as that he has a stash of clothing or is wearing your clothes). It may be some other sort of fetishist behavior.

I hope this helps!

Nancy

[Dana]

From the post I preceive alot things going on here, the number #1 being a lack of communication.

Along with that is one part ~ shame, one part ~ embarassement, one part dis-appointment (as in dis-appointing you ~ in not living up to HIS preceived image of what YOU want, need, and expect of him as a man, a husband {fill in the blank}.

For a relationship to succed, ~ and that's any really ANY relationship ~ both parties HAVE to be honest with one another and be totally and completlely open about who they are as people, persons, etc.

But, how can you do that, when you're not completely honest with yourself about who you are, what you are, what you want and need in and from life.

I was so in denial about my feminine side, I ended up doing 20+ years in the military, running around drinking, acting like a Neanderthal. Thus comes to the mixed signals, and the mixed messages.

Ill regardless of his sexual orientation ~ being a crossdresser is really nothing more than the male version of a "Tom~Boy". The thing is that in Western Judeo~Christian a man displaying almost ANY form of femininity or traits, or sakes alive, interest in women's clothes, makeup, jewelry, etc he's protrayed as abnormal, sick, perverted. Why? Because of at least 5,000 + years of social and cultural conditioning, that has been strongly re-inforced.

Along with this comes the tendency to think in terms of a bi-polar perception of things, and of life. Either a given thing is right or wrong, on or off, white or black, masculine or feminine, wrong or right. When i reality the world and life, and most certainly human beings are much more complex.

Any given man can display and be just as feminine as your statistically average woman, just as any given woman can be just as masculine if not more than your statistically average man. It works in the other direction.

Rather than looking at this in a bi-polar, straight liner manner, I would encourage you to rather look at it more as a complex 3 dimensional cubed matrix. When you do that, you can see the almost infinite range of possibilities of human emotion, expression, perception, interests, and possibilites.

As any crossdresser, that is bi-sexual and they will tell you that they experience just as much resistence, hostitlity from Gay men about being cross dressing, and they do from hetersexual women. Most truly Gay men are attracted, at least sexually, if not on other levels, to masculine men ~ not feminnized men.

Just as its possible for a woman to have "masculine" interests, and still be a woman, and still be feminine ~ its possible for a man to do the reverse.

Even though I was part of the elite military for 20+ years, I've very little interest in sports, NASCAR, etc. I do not have the traditionally male interest that you're "average" men do. But, you know what, a lot of "average" men don't either.

Being a cross dresser ~ transgender ~ I've personally have experienced people around me, in and of my life trying to pound me into a role that isn't me and that I don't fit. I'm not a transsexual, I'm not gay, and I've absolutely no interest in become intimate with a man, on almost any level. Men just simply do not interest me.

Women on the other hand, ~ just fascinate me, ~ and I much more prefer their company as friends and lovers.

I understand, that women to, are attracted to men, masculine men, (why, I don't know) but, it would seem to me, that a heterosexual crossdesser would be just what a woman would be looking for! It opens up so many, many, many different possibilities and realities! Automatically, it opens up a pletoria of more conversational topics and subjects.

Granted, I believe, that with your stereotypical "average" woman, she's going to need to set some ground rules, and establish some base lines ~ such as I need you to be Jim much more of the time than you are "Jimmie" But, its alright for you to let "Jimmie" out every now and again as well. I can promise you one thing ~ he'll be spending more time with you than the fellas!

[Phoebe Reece]

Susan,

Maybe he is just too terrified to come right out and tell you about the crossdressing all at once. Maybe he is trying to do it in little steps. First, see if you will go along with a shaved chest. Second, maybe shave the legs. Third, parade around in some womens underwear for you. See your reaction to each step before going on to the next.

If you don't like his chest shaved, tell him that. But if you want him to open up about the crossdressing, you might tell him that while you don't particularly like his chest shaved, it is something you could live with if it is something he likes. Simply reminding him what he already knows about your liking his hairy chest may just cause him to freeze up on coming out to you.

[Shannon]

Susan -- you are getting plenty of really good advise from these posts -- I can't add anything new.

You do say you are trying to save your marriage. I think you are very sincere about that, otherwise you wouldn't be taking the time to post here asking for advice. Maybe the thing to do in order for you to save the marriage is to take a risk, reach deep down inside, and bring it up.

I say this because I learned the hard way that the "mushroom approach" (leave things in the dark, undisturbed) never brings about a solution. Without knowing the whole situation, it seems a boundary is being violated (he's shaving his chest hair when he know you like it). I think, that for yourself, you need to at least let him know your feelings about that. As others have said -- its communication. I hope you can find the strength to take the lead on this.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Best case, he's testing the waters as Phoebe suggested. Worse case, he's ignoring your feelings -- or more likely feeling a need to flex his feminine side and hoping you won't notice. Either way, you two really need to talk about his CDing to get things out in the open.

I know you're probably terrified of having that discussion. Believe me, we understand that fear. But you're at a tremendous advantage because in all likelihood he'll be quite relieved that you know about it and aren't preparing to leave him.

[Miss Vicki]

When he shaves his chest hair and says he did it for you, I think it means that he wants you to accept him as he is and what he does.
I told my wife that when my chest hair turns completely gray that I am going to shave it off, so I will not look too old.
You are one-in-a-million Susan. I wish it was me that you wanted to talk to. I would share everything.
But for now........... Love him where he is in life. Things will happen sooner rather than later.