From underdressing to transitioning

[emmicd]

I know the pain of not being able to express who I truly am in spirit, mind and my heart because my body is not congruent to my inner being. It is the most frustrating aspect of my life that I have had to live with and sometimes I wonder how I survived for so long. I know having a family has helped me tremendously but that still has not allowed me to dismiss my feelings of transgender.

I have been transgender all my life and I knew I was different since age 5 when I started dressing in girls clothes.

From the age of 5 through today I have been underdressing all my life and it is very helpful but also very frustrating.

I am losing my patience having to underdress and now wish to push the envelope and venture outside fully dressed with no male clothing, only womens clothing.

I know I would be a whole new person free to be me and I would never want to put on male clothing ever again. This is why I so need to transition so I can be true to my female spirit and dress how I should be dressing.

It is so frustrating putting on a beautiful dress only to cover it up with male clothing that suffocates me and makes me feel very sad.

I recently did some spring cleaning and I cleared out most of my male clothing giving it to goodwill so I could make more room for my dresses. I now can proudly say I have a closet full of dresses and womens clothing and just a few articles of male clothing. So when I am able to transition I will have my complete wardrobe in place already.

I wonder how others deal with the frustration of having to wear such pretty clothes underneath their male clothing .

I have been so depressed not being able to be the girl I truly am and I know I would be so much happier on HRT and the idea of letting my hair grow out and getting my nails done and being extremely feminine makes me feel like it is possible but I have to do it the right way.

When you did eventually transition if you are lucky enough to how did it feel when you went the full day wearing a beautiful dress? I can only dream of this right now but I want it to be my reality and I will talk to my therapist and doctor to formulate the right plan to help me achieve it.

I believe a medical letter and a therapist letter indicating that I am cleared to transition will help. Is this something that is done usually. Having a letter from a medical professional confirming a diagnosis of transexualism and would this be the right strategy to prove to employer the seriousness of the condition?

I would like to know how you approached this with your employer and when it was absolutely necessary.

emmi

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Emmi i am going to shoot straight... you are basically saying the same things over and over again.....really to no end..its getting counter productive...and you also contradict yourself message to message...first you are not transitioning because of family, then you are talking about getting a letter "confirming" your diagnosis so you can talk to your employer and you've thrown out most of your male clothes...for female clothes that you don't even wear outside no less...these are not good ideas

You ask questions like how did it feel when someone first wore a beautiful dress all day??.. that sounds like a very creepy question...the answer is it felt like a dress...
don't get me wrong pls, i had some very dreamy and unrealistic views of transition and the idea of "being a woman" for many years...i had no idea what a transition was, and yet i thought about it all the time...so i get it...

but you need to be more productive in your thinking...having your wardrobe in place is a trifle compared to actually going through a transition...you keep talking about pretty things and being extremely feminine...but you don't have any resolve to move forward..if you have a closet full of dresses you will find that you will not have lots of occasions to wear them and that they arent any fun to wear to work day after day after day..you will just want to be comfortable..

If you are in the throes of gender dysphoria, then you need to get help quickly and you need to get serious without asking all these questions
none of what you are talking about really matters yet

..you need to decide to transition before you transition..
the things that matter are preparing for a future transition with your family in mind..not clothes and extreme femininity
a letter doesnt mean anything..it just buys you hormones and surgery.

the seriousness of your condition is real, but you need to deal with it in a more serious way.

[Karinsamatha]

Have you found a therapist to go to? If not do it. Otherwise i fear you are going to drive yourself mad in a prison of your own making in your own mind. I know this to be true as I am seeing one now. In two sessions she is helping to get rid of the extra BS that I really don't need to be concerned about.
Our minds don't come with a owners manual we need a outside perspective to ask the correct question to shed light on the true issue.

[emmicd]

Kaitlin,
Yes I am very conflicted and I can not live a double life like this. I am essentially speaking from a perspective of suffering for 45 years and I have dealt with my dad's suicide, my son's autism and the death of 3 close friends who all passed away at ages 40 - 43 in the span of the last 3 years. So yes I am very messed up lately and my gender dysphoria is escalating as I hit the 50 year mark and I feel I have no control over it. I even had my own struggle with thoughts of suicide. I am suffering and feel even though I am seeing a therapist and doctor I have no one helping me. It seems they just want my business and I am the one lost. I just wish this pain could end already. I hate living like this. It's a shame but it is a real struggle for me and I am losing my will.

emmi

[ameliabee]

I am losing my patience having to underdress and now wish to push the envelope and venture outside fully dressed with no male clothing, only womens clothing.

Then do it already?



I know I would be a whole new person free to be me and I would never want to put on male clothing ever again. This is why I so need to transition so I can be true to my female spirit and dress how I should be dressing.

It is so frustrating putting on a beautiful dress only to cover it up with male clothing that suffocates me and makes me feel very sad.


Femininity isn't really about attire. It's about being.



I recently did some spring cleaning and I cleared out most of my male clothing giving it to goodwill so I could make more room for my dresses. I now can proudly say I have a closet full of dresses and womens clothing and just a few articles of male clothing. So when I am able to transition I will have my complete wardrobe in place already.


Transition 101: You will make mistakes with clothing purchases. Lots of them. Buying a lot early on only enables you to make the same mistakes more often and not enough time to learn from them. At best, you might use 10% of what all you just bought one year from now, assuming that you actually decide to transition.

Also, yeah, I'm getting to that step now. I'm also full-time, am waiting on the courthouse to process my legal name change, and have paperwork from my doctor that states that the sex marker on my drivers license should be female.



I have been so depressed not being able to be the girl I truly am and I know I would be so much happier on HRT and the idea of letting my hair grow out and getting my nails done and being extremely feminine makes me feel like it is possible but I have to do it the right way.


Want to get on HRT? Do it -- there are ways.

Want long hair? Let it grow. In the interim, find a decent wig.

Want your nails done? Get them done.



When you did eventually transition if you are lucky enough to how did it feel when you went the full day wearing a beautiful dress? I can only dream of this right now but I want it to be my reality and I will talk to my therapist and doctor to formulate the right plan to help me achieve it.


It isn't really something that has a feeling associated with it.



I believe a medical letter and a therapist letter indicating that I am cleared to transition will help. Is this something that is done usually. Having a letter from a medical professional confirming a diagnosis of transexualism and would this be the right strategy to prove to employer the seriousness of the condition?

I would like to know how you approached this with your employer and when it was absolutely necessary.

emmi

You need nobody's permission to transition.

Also, very much putting the cart before the horse. If you're so raring to start transition already, you really ought to schedule a consultation with a laser hair removal place and/or electrologist.

[ReineD]

I am suffering and feel even though I am seeing a therapist and doctor I have no one helping me. It seems they just want my business and I am the one lost.

Emmi, I agree with Kaitlyn. You seem to be stuck in the place of in-between and I can't imagine how difficult this must be. If you don't have confidence in your therapist, maybe you should consider seeing a different one? I'm concerned for your mental health. :hugs:

I'm sorry if you've posted this somewhere and I've missed it, but how does your wife deal with your closet full of clothes? Are you at least able to wear them?

[emmicd]

I have a good therapist but I am the one who is all mixed up. I have no idea where I am going because I love my family and I need to make a living. I don't know how else to deal with my gender issues other than to dress up. if I don't dress up I feel I will die and that is the God's honest truth. I have been dressing since i was 5 and I can not just turn it off. If I can never transition I still have to dress. If I am TG/TS and you took my dresses away and my right to dress up then I don't want to live any more! Plain and simple. I am a guy with a girls mind. How can I fix that? Does anyone have an answer to that? My therapist says I need to transition but I am not ready to and she knows it. I have to have my family, take care of my son. I am not as lucky as the girls here who do transition. i will have to live with a guy's body and a girl's mind and it sucks! My wife knows I have 100s of dresses and she knows if I part with them I will be miserable so she understands and she has accepted that part of me. My son has too! Thank God for that!
I am a human being and I am very feminine and I can't help that. I just wish this screwed up society would be more understanding and compassionate. Why do I have to live such a tortured life being TG/TS?
It makes me want to cry but I can't cry because men are not suppose to cry and in society's view I am a man but little do they know who i really am? That is my dilemma!

emmi

[ReineD]

Well Emmi, if it means anything my sons cry and no one thinks less of them because of this. It's OK for you to cry. Granted, they don't cry out on the football field or in roomfuls of their male friends, but they cry with me and with other people they feel close to, when they need to. :hugs:

Are you able to go out sometimes and be yourself, or must you always dress alone? Is your wife supportive of your feminine expression but she does not agree with transition? Again, I'm sorry if you've already posted this somewhere and I've missed it.

[emmicd]

I dress all alone with no one to share it with and I am very sad because I am not able to be true to myself or with others. I have to pretend I am a guy because I have to but deep down inside I am a girl who wishes to go out and live the part. I am so alone in my life though I have family and friends because i am not free to be me. This is why I want so much to be out and be the real me. I feel i am going through the motions and in so much pain. Is this what a TG/TS has to go through if they can't be who they really are. Is this why some TG/TS commit suicide because they are in so much pain and they have no way to escape their chains that hold them back and they can never express who they really are. My therapist told me I have always took a back seat to everyone in my life. I know this but what else am I suppose to do. I feel transitioning is something I have to do and my therapist has told me this but I also feel very selfish if I transition and also I am so uncertain of the reactions I will face. My wife has said that she believes God made us the way we are and we must abide by this. She knows I struggle but she does not understand it and she does not accept my dressing but she does not deny me of dressing. She has grown to realize that when I am dressed I am alive and happy. My therapist told me it's time I get out there. She tells me I have to let my hair grow out and start to take steps in transitioning as it is my health at stake. She tells me I can not keep denying myself and she has told me I am a TS. She could tell from how I act, talk and carry myself. The thing that makes it so complicated is having a family where I have a special needs son and a wife. I don't want to hurt anyone. I also have to work and make a living and if my employer does not accept this I run the risk of losing my job which scares me more than anything else given the terrible economic times we live in. I can't be so naive to believe that transitioning will be the answer to all my troubles because losing a job I need can be the end that would lead to worse times ahead. So I feel like I am trapped and that means I am a male to female TS forced to live a lie and when I die I will have lived my whole life in pain because no one knew or understood me. I lived my whole life as one big lie! That is so very sad to me.

emmi

[Kristy_K]

Emmi the best cure that I have seen so far for GID is transitioning.

Transitioning was easier than I ever imagined it would be for me. I think it was because it is easier to be yourself than what everyone else wants you to be.

I have also learn in life that if there is a will, then there is a way.

[melissaK]

. . . My therapist told me I have always took a back seat to everyone in my life. I know this . . . . My therapist told me it's time I get out there. She tells me . . . my health is at stake. . . . I don't want to hurt anyone. . . . if my employer does not accept this I run the risk of losing my job which scares me . . . So I feel like I am trapped . . .
emmi

So, you have laid it all out. So just thinking out loud: can you form your own business or side business maybe and be in control of all or part of your own income? Can you find employment with a big company with a TS anti-discrimination policy in effect? Can you start saving more money (i.e. don't buy a new dress - put it into the transition fund?).

hugs,
'lissa

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You have gender dysphoria emmi.. When i felt like you, I often said that i would not wish this feeling on my worst enemy.. We all feel your pain... we all KNOW, REALLY REALLY KNOW and acknowledge that you are suffering ..we have been there..

The "cure" for gender dysphoria is real... it is transition. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. that is the cure.... HOWEVER and its a big however...you don't need to transition, at least not anytime soon...

the simple act of starting HRT and SERIOUSLY planning transition someday, the act of actually wearing those clothes in front of somebody and talking to them as a woman, the act of going to weekly electrolysis sessions that give you a feeling of progress will act like aspirin to your very bad headache...they will help you feel that feeling you need to survive...

and they will inform you in a new way... your ideas sound like you are a crossdresser, but i believe you know who you are...and i beleive you are just expressing all you know about being a woman and transition

As you sit here today you MUST focus yourself...do it for your family...it may not seem like it, but the best thing you can do for them is to get yourself to a better place...and the simplest and best way to do it is by expressing your identity, and by having it reflected back at you...

Go to therapy dressed for example... if people stare they stare, if it ticks off your wife, you must help her understand..your kids and jobs do not need involvement with this

... set yourself a realistic goal and then do it.. do it for yourself and do it for your family..
you say "what am i supposed to do?" well that's what you are supposed to do.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Emmi,

Your feelings of sadness, desperation and depression from all of this is palpable.

You are viewing the act of transition through a macro lens.
Your looking at the entire proccess of transition at one time as oppossed to looking at it through a micro lens.
Transition is a very serious thing.
Take transition one step at a time.

1. Therapy
2. Letter for HRT from therapist
3. Visit doctor for HRT.
4. Begin HRT
5. Allow a period of time to allow HRT to work in your system in order to assist in alleviating the anxiety and depression from GID.
6. Speak with spouse concerning transition regardless of her disapproval.
7. Gather all information necessary to transition at work for your employer. Place in a three ring binder with tabs to separate information. The more professional you are with your employer concerning this the more they will take you seriously. This information would also include letters from your therapist and medical doctor concerning who and what you are and what you are planning to so.
8. Set date with employer to transition while continuing open lines of communication at home.
9. Transition

Also hair removal needs to be in there as well starting as soon as you are able.

Stop looking at this all at once Emmi.
You are becoming extremely overwhelmed by looking at this as one process. I along with just about everyone here would find this overwhelming to look at it as one process instead of a series of steps.

This will allow you to transition while keeping the stress and anxiety from paralyzing you.


Julia

[Marleena]

Great Advice here. Emmi you need to talk seriously about HRT at your next therapist meeeting. It is definitely indicated here.

P.S.: For those of you who may find it absurd that I'm posting in the TS forum, I'm a member of a TG support group that is connected to provincial government TG/TS resources. While I can't get into Emmi's head and feel her pain I do understand her pain is real. Our group leader is TS and connects people to the proper health care services following government guidelines.

[arbon]

When you did eventually transition if you are lucky enough to how did it feel when you went the full day wearing a beautiful dress? I can only dream of this right now but I want it to be my reality and I will talk to my therapist and doctor to formulate the right plan to help me achieve it.

I have not gone out in dress ! lol Guess I am more of a jeans kinda girl.

But I am wondering why you can't go out dressed how you want? What is stopping you? I'm not meaning that you have to go show for work that way or run around in front of your wife...maybe you can take a weekend for yourself and go out of town - let the girl you are loose a little? You don't need a therapist or doctor to do. You just do it. your dream is not as far away as you think :)

Maybe if there are some TG support groups in your town and they have outings? Or even in a nearby town? That might be a good way to start getting comfortable out in the world to.




This is why I want so much to be out and be the real me.


The only one stopping you is you.

[ReineD]

I dress all alone with no one to share it with and I am very sad because I am not able to be true to myself or with others.

Emmi, going from completely closeted to HRT and then perhaps SRS is a huge jump, like going from A to F. You might want to go through B, C, D, & E first. If you do eventually decide you will have HRT, you cannot do this without everyone knowing anyway, so perhaps you should consider changing your life to at least (this would only be step B) tell your wife you will be attending a TG support group dressed on a regular basis. The rest of step B would involve having many discussions with your wife so that she can understand more about transgender. You could invite her to become a member here and join the FAB section. Steps C, D, & E would involve doing more things out in the mainstream (and talking to your wife all along the way), in the next town over if need be, until you decide on the HRT. My SO does this all the time, several times per week, and she knows many people who do not know her in guy mode.

After you've done this for awhile (a few years), then you can decide when you will want to start HRT. Call it a mini real life experience. :) At any rate, approaching it this way will buy you time (you say you wish to support your son), and it may well relieve your intense feelings of loneliness, if only a little.

Edit The goal, Emmi, would be to spend a little less time posting about it in a forum and spend more time living it. There's nothing wrong with coming here a lot, but if it's the only thing you do then it can intensify feelings of loneliness.

HRT by itself will not relieve your GID, not if no one knows about it. It takes a long time for the visible physical changes to take place, I gather. I cannot speak for the emotional changes, but I wonder how intense these changes will be if you still feel you need to keep all of this under cover without at least going out and being yourself once in a while.

[RachelOKC]

I totally agree with getting out and about in the world before anything else. Find a support group, get dressed, and GO. Get to know people in real life and make some friends. I think you'll start to get a better sense of yourself than you will by just existing trapped behind a closed door and the anonymity of a message board.

With this marvel of the Interweb tubes, it's easy enough to falsely diagnose yourself with cancer, HIV, meningitis etc, based on what you read on wikipedia and message boards. It's also easy to do act similarly with regards to your gender identity. While nobody doubts your distress and your symptoms, it may take a lot more investigation to find out what is really going on and find out who you really are. Slow down, take a deep breath, be objective, and be honest with yourself.

Hormones and transition may indeed be a valid step, but I think like Reine said, you've got to start at the beginning of the path, not the middle.

[CharleneT]

Emmi, going from completely closeted to HRT and then perhaps SRS is a huge jump, like going from A to F. You might want to go through B, C, D, & E first. If you do eventually decide you will have HRT, you cannot do this without everyone knowing anyway, so perhaps you should consider changing your life to at least (this would only be step B) tell your wife you will be attending a TG support group dressed on a regular basis. The rest of step B would involve having many discussions with your wife so that she can understand more about transgender. You could invite her to become a member here and join the FAB section. Steps C, D, & E would involve doing more things out in the mainstream (and talking to your wife all along the way), in the next town over if need be, until you decide on the HRT. My SO does this all the time, several times per week, and she knows many people who do not know her in guy mode.

After you've done this for awhile (a few years), then you can decide when you will want to start HRT. Call it a mini real life experience. :) At any rate, approaching it this way will buy you time (you say you wish to support your son), and it may well relieve your intense feelings of loneliness, if only a little.

Edit The goal, Emmi, would be to spend a little less time posting about it in a forum and spend more time living it. There's nothing wrong with coming here a lot, but if it's the only thing you do then it can intensify feelings of loneliness.

HRT by itself will not relieve your GID, not if no one knows about it. It takes a long time for the visible physical changes to take place, I gather. I cannot speak for the emotional changes, but I wonder how intense these changes will be if you still feel you need to keep all of this under cover without at least going out and being yourself once in a while.

:iagree:

This is incredibly well stated, and heartfelt good advice ! I would consider it carefully :hugs:

[Frances]

Emmi,

What I get from all your posts and threads is that you want someone else to take responsability for your decisions and feelings. If you are consulting a therapist for gender-related issues, then you have GID. If you have a toothache, the dentist will not write you a letter confirming this. Nobody wants you to transition – nobody. Not your wife, not your kids, and not even your therapist. I seems to me that you would like your therapist to recommend transition, but all he or she can do is to recommend that you take responsability for your life, which you have mentioned a few times. There nothing else therapists can do. Your therapist wants you to verify things by experiencing them. I know a few people who did not like what HRT did to their libido or sexual function for instance. The idea is that every step taken should feel right. Have you had electrolysis or laser yet? However painful electrolysis has been, I can assure you that every one of those 300 hours that I have spent on the table were of great psychic relief to me.

Transition requires an act of love which is often mistaken for selfishness. That being loving yourself and looking after your own well-being. To everyone else, it will look like a selfish act. Transition late in life often means cutting losses. It is extremely painful and can only serve to squelch the constant white noise in the back of mind that is GID. It will not make you younger, more popular or more employable.

You've mentioned not wanting it, but if you transition, you will hurt people. That just the way it is.

Good luck with everything.

[Anna Lorree]

Emmi, I understand and am not too far off from where you are right now. We have talked a bit about this, so you know I am telling you the truth. You have some great advice in this thread. Listen to the ladies who have survived where you are. They have wisdom gained through experience that you don't have. Heed their advice and slow down. I know, the constant struggle in your head just makes you want to scream sometimes. But rushing into a hasty decision isn't going to make your situation any better. If you feel you simply must transition, if you are determined to do so, slow down and do it right. It is going to be difficult, so you might as well get it right the first time. You can manage this, just breathe, OK? First step is making the decision. Next step, do what you have to do to talk to a doctor about HRT. Have a goal, it gives you direction.

Anna

[Jay Cee]

...It makes me want to cry but I can't cry because men are not suppose to cry...

Emmi, this is a fib. Who says men aren't supposed to cry? Shedding tears is immensely healing. It reduces stress hormones, and girl, it sounds like you need that.

I recommend that you find ways to stop thinking of gender in such black and white terms. This is 2012, not 1952.

As far as dressing is concerned... have you tried dressing androgynously? Wear a pink t-shirt. Buy some women's jeans. Wear unisex glasses. Get a girly wallet. Get your ears pierced. Wear a bit of mascara. Grow your hair. Epilate your body hair. Do whatever it takes to take the edge off of how you feel. Start slow, and work your way up. You'll be amazed at the results.

The only one really stopping you is you.

Wishing you all the best, Emmi.

Jay Cee

[Andie Elisabeth]

Who says men aren't supposed to cry?

Conditioning (dad, classmates, bullies, etc.)? This is the sole reason why I use as primary internal language the one that I learned later in life and not the native one of my country. Just sayin'

[Frances]

The only one really stopping you is you.

That is the bottom line, isn't it.

[ReineD]

Andie, with all due respect, I don't have any friends who would condemn their husbands for crying. I never thought ill of my ex when he cried. I've seen my dad cry and I've hugged him. And as a mom, I can't imagine feeling my sons are somehow defective when they cry.

Admittedly, boys hate to cry during teenage years when they're establishing themselves in the male pecking order, but as they grow into men who are confident in themselves, this disappears. I don't know your age or your personal circumstances, but you might consider having this discussion with people you feel close to and asking if they would think ill of you if you cried.

[Kelsy]

[QUOTE=ReineD;2836059][ The goal, Emmi, would be to spend a little less time posting about it in a forum and spend more time living it. There's nothing wrong with coming here a lot, but if it's the only thing you do then it can intensify feelings of loneliness."""""[Quote]

All of these posts are pretty straight forward and experienced advice Emmi. The above post is, in my experience, very important.
Breaking through fear and actually doing it is going to help you alot!

Hugs Kelsy

[kimdl93]

Emmi i am going to shoot straight... you are basically saying the same things over and over again.....really to no end..its getting counter productive...and you also contradict yourself message to message...first you are not transitioning because of family, then you are talking about getting a letter "confirming" your diagnosis so you can talk to your employer and you've thrown out most of your male clothes...for female clothes that you don't even wear outside no less...these are not good ideas

You ask questions like how did it feel when someone first wore a beautiful dress all day??.. that sounds like a very creepy question...the answer is it felt like a dress...
don't get me wrong pls, i had some very dreamy and unrealistic views of transition and the idea of "being a woman" for many years...i had no idea what a transition was, and yet i thought about it all the time...so i get it...

but you need to be more productive in your thinking...having your wardrobe in place is a trifle compared to actually going through a transition...you keep talking about pretty things and being extremely feminine...but you don't have any resolve to move forward..if you have a closet full of dresses you will find that you will not have lots of occasions to wear them and that they arent any fun to wear to work day after day after day..you will just want to be comfortable..

If you are in the throes of gender dysphoria, then you need to get help quickly and you need to get serious without asking all these questions
none of what you are talking about really matters yet

..you need to decide to transition before you transition..
the things that matter are preparing for a future transition with your family in mind..not clothes and extreme femininity
a letter doesnt mean anything..it just buys you hormones and surgery.

the seriousness of your condition is real, but you need to deal with it in a more serious way.

I have to agree. Please understand that this isn't about being able to wear pretty clothes. Please take Kaitlyns comments to heart and get professional help in clarifying your thinking.

[emmicd]

Thank you everyone for your very helpful advice! I need some time to dress up and I am going to see someone who works in the community with TG/TS individuals after my doctor visit at Callen Lorde on next Monday. Her website is Femme Fever and I did a photoshoot with her 5 or 6 years ago. Actually my avatar picture was one of the photos she did. She organizes outings. Maybe this is what I need. Who knows maybe I can still be a guy, a dad, a husband and a partime woman. I will seek to get my head straight and hopefully I won't have to change my body and my appearance. I so felt inside I am a girl but maybe it's not my destiny. If I were a girl God would have made it easier for me and just made me one. Sadly he did but in a very strange way. He gave me the mind, spirit and heart of a girl but the rest was male.
I know I am TG/TS but maybe I need to take a step back and spend more time with the ones I love.
All my best!

emmi

[Rachel Smith]

Emmi,

Your feelings of sadness, desperation and depression from all of this is palpable.

You are viewing the act of transition through a macro lens.
Your looking at the entire proccess of transition at one time as oppossed to looking at it through a micro lens.
Transition is a very serious thing.
Take transition one step at a time.

1. Therapy
2. Letter for HRT from therapist
3. Visit doctor for HRT.
4. Begin HRT
5. Allow a period of time to allow HRT to work in your system in order to assist in alleviating the anxiety and depression from GID.
6. Speak with spouse concerning transition regardless of her disapproval.
7. Gather all information necessary to transition at work for your employer. Place in a three ring binder with tabs to separate information. The more professional you are with your employer concerning this the more they will take you seriously. This information would also include letters from your therapist and medical doctor concerning who and what you are and what you are planning to so.
8. Set date with employer to transition while continuing open lines of communication at home.
9. Transition

Also hair removal needs to be in there as well starting as soon as you are able.

Stop looking at this all at once Emmi.
You are becoming extremely overwhelmed by looking at this as one process. I along with just about everyone here would find this overwhelming to look at it as one process instead of a series of steps.

This will allow you to transition while keeping the stress and anxiety from paralyzing you.


Julia

Julia I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to make this insightful post. Now if I may ask one question. What are you referring to in #7. Though I am just starting out down this road where would you find this information? Are you talking about discrimination information and such?

Thanks in advance
Rachel

[Rachel Smith]

Emmi,

What I did/do. I live my life as Rachel now except for 8 hours a day at work. One of the first things I learned was what someone here said already, it's not all about pretty dresses not that they don't have their place. It's about feeling like things are finally RIGHT. I started this over two years ago. First with just simple trips to the grocery store and at first that meant going to the next town 15 miles away to do it. Then as my confidence grew and I became more and more comfortable I just started doing more things as Rachel. You may not have the freedom to do this now but what I am saying is do it as often as possible. From what you have said your wife and son already know and if you give up the pretty dresses you will find EMMI can run to the store in jeans and a tee or polo shirt and sneakers and a little make up. I am doing this so I know I am making the right decision to go forward. Like you I feel better as Rachel, and if I feel that way after living my life as a woman for 8 months or so of doing it then I will continue forward. I am just trying to avoid the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence thing because sometimes when you get there you find the grass where you were wasn't so bad after all. This decision will affect many lives not just mine so I want to make sure it is the right one. The thing I have found most revealing to me is there are days when I wake up and say I am not going to get dressed today but everyday when I leave the house it is Rachel that is getting into the car. I just feel so good, the people I live with and the few friends that I have made since moving to VA. say I even walk taller when I am Rachel, proud and full of life.

Take care
Love
Rachel

[Sharon]

You are currently in a place that almost all of us have had to spend time, Emmi, at least for a little while -- that place between fear, doubts and the unknown. Not too many of us jump headfirst into a decision as important as this. There are many ways to leave this place you find yourself and some are forward and others are headed back from where you came. There is also the option of staying mired where you are now, but it's difficult to remain there and it's decidedly dangerous to do so.

There is no one direction I can say is right for you to go, Emmi. What I can say is that there will likely be pain no matter which way you choose to go. What you need to discover is which direction will ultimately be the best for you. You can choose to live a life of pain, the pain you are now experiencing, and do nothing. You can decide it's best for whatever reasons to sacrifice your own best interests for the (sometimes supposed) interests of others. It is the choice I made for many years; I sacrificed my well-being for the security of what I thought was best for those I loved and for the security of a good income. I survived in misery for many years and even managed to put on a good face when I was with those I loved, or so I believed, but my depression wasn't really a secret to those who knew me well enough to see the signs. I thought I was a great actor but the only one who was fooled was myself.

I hit bottom in late 2005, Emmi, despite my determination to live the life others expected from me. It snuck up on me and I didn't recognize it until it was almost too late, but there came a time when I could no longer pretend to be what I wasn't. I came this close to just ending it and it was only with the help of my dear sister who recognized the danger I was in that prevented from making a horrible mistake. With a figurative slap in the face I finally decided that, having looked in the morass, I had nothing to lose and "F*** it, I'm doing it."

I suffered a couple personal losses when I transitioned, Emmi, but I gained so much more. Life will never be perfect and I accept that I deserve no more than the effort I am willing to put into it, and even then there are occasionally setbacks. My income has also suffered, but much of that is self-inflicted because of irrelevant-to-this-post and topic reasons.

Figure yourself out, Emmi, either in your own heart, with the help of a qualified therapist or with loved ones whose opinions truly matter to you. The choice is ultimately yours, however, even if the decision runs counter to the opinions of those whose help you seek. It can take time and you need to be patient enough with yourself to discover your truth.

Good luck, Emmi, no matter what road you choose to follow. Just realize that you need to take one road or another. :hugs:

[Stephenie S]

Dear Emmi,

I have said this before. I am going to say this again.

You DON'T need to transition. All you ever talk about is wanting to wear pretty clothes, women's clothes.

Listen carefully. Being a woman has NOTHING to do with clothes. Women are women in jeans and a T shirt. Women are women NAKED, for goodness sake. Pretty clothes are just that, clothes. Want to wear pretty women's clothes? Then just DO IT!

You can wear all the pretty dresses you want without transitioning. Without all the pain and expense and trauma that transitioning entails. Without losing your wife and son. Without losing your job.

This is just what your therapist is telling to do. This is just what I am telling you to do.

Wear the darn clothes, Emmi.

Transition may or may not be in your future. Right now it seems pretty far fetched. But since all you yearn for is women's clothing, your salvation is MUCH closer than you seem to think.

Wear the darn clothes.

Stephie

Wear the darn clothes Emmi. Just wear them.

[KellyJameson]

Hi Emmi

I understand using the clothes as a second skin to try and satisfy your minds demands to physically appear as you emotionally feel. I understand the love you have for your wife and child and how this love can sometimes feel simultaneously like a prison and the greatest gift you have ever been given but there is something you can do now and that is work toward becoming a strong woman by becoming a strong person and this means rediscovering the natural expression of your emotions and moving beyond how you are "suppose" to feel ( not cry ) to feeling how you feel and " letting it all hang out" emotionally. You will know you have arrived when you are no longer emotionally self conscious and live fully in the moment but it takes work because there will be a huge wall of fear to tear down first and this will take more courage than you think you have.

I do not fully understand all of the reasons for GID and probably never will but I do believe for men that experience it they are very vulnerable
to emotional constipation because they feel deeper than men who never had and never will have GID so to survive in a world that does not allow these men the same emotional freedom as girls in childhood they go into emotional lock down and this adds to the already overwhelming burdens of GID. Work toward learning to allow yourself to feel again and to express and experience these feelings so there is no risk of using transitioning to give you the freedom to express emotions that you are entitled to regardless of what body you are in. In my opinion it is important that you come from a emotionally healthy ( healed ) place before using surgery to change your body, it sounds like a paradox because to fully heal for many the body must be changed but you want to be clear about what you are escaping from or you may trade one nightmare for another.

Your identity as a female is fixed so does not need to be fixed and working toward the courage of being once again able to cry without fear will make you a better woman and this can and in my opinion should start now.

[Claire Cook]

Maybe this is what I need. Who knows maybe I can still be a guy, a dad, a husband and a partime woman. I will seek to get my head straight and hopefully I won't have to change my body and my appearance. I so felt inside I am a girl but maybe it's not my destiny. If I were a girl God would have made it easier for me and just made me one. Sadly he did but in a very strange way. He gave me the mind, spirit and heart of a girl but the rest was male.
I know I am TG/TS but maybe I need to take a step back and spend more time with the ones I love.
All my best!
emmi

Emmi, and this other things you have posted in this thread suggest that you are ambivalent about transitioning. You've had lots of good advice from those who have been there, done that. I was there 35 years ago -- talked to a GIS group in Boston, and did a lot of thinking. Despite my strong TG feelings I never started HRT, and personally and professionally that was the right choice for me. Now I'm free to express my feminine side as I wish, but still maintain my male persona. [Maybe they are merging into the person I really am!]

Do take that step back, but do let your feminine side express itself as you like.

[Aprilrain]

Emmi, emmi, emmi! I have no idea if you are TS or not but you sound more like a CDer who is lost in he pink fog than a TS. In either case why continue to torment yourself with fantasies of transition? In other words, piss or get off the pot! Seriously you need to sell that wardrobe of yours and buy some more therapy! If you are clear that transition is the answer then formulate a plan and execute it. If not then just CD and be done with it. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you are driving yourself mad with all this wishy washy back and forth posting. If it's just about dresses than thank your lucky stars that you DON'T need to transition, it's a hard road and starting out under dreamy stary eyed pretenses could be disastrous!

[emmicd]

I am TS but there are too many things holding me back.

[Launa]

Quote

You are viewing the act of transition through a macro lens.
Your looking at the entire proccess of transition at one time as oppossed to looking at it through a micro lens.
Transition is a very serious thing.
Take transition one step at a time.

1. Therapy
2. Letter for HRT from therapist
3. Visit doctor for HRT.
4. Begin HRT
5. Allow a period of time to allow HRT to work in your system in order to assist in alleviating the anxiety and depression from GID.
6. Speak with spouse concerning transition regardless of her disapproval.
7. Gather all information necessary to transition at work for your employer. Place in a three ring binder with tabs to separate information. The more professional you are with your employer concerning this the more they will take you seriously. This information would also include letters from your therapist and medical doctor concerning who and what you are and what you are planning to so.
8. Set date with employer to transition while continuing open lines of communication at home.
9. Transition

Also hair removal needs to be in there as well starting as soon as you are able.

Stop looking at this all at once Emmi.
You are becoming extremely overwhelmed by looking at this as one process. I along with just about everyone here would find this overwhelming to look at it as one process instead of a series of steps.

This will allow you to transition while keeping the stress and anxiety from paralyzing you.


Julia[/QUOTE

This is good advice from Julia here,

I am no expert by any means on this subject but I have also found myself in many situations like yours that have driven me nuts . What I always say to myself when this happens is not to panic and react to those feelings, thats when you make mistakes. You need to put together a plan, an exit plan. You have lived for many years as a man and have arrived at the destination that you are at. It can take a while to change all that, maybe a few years. Put together a plan and start your first steps to make it all happen. You need a starting line and a finish line and don't skip any steps along the way. They tell you to do this when you start a business or shut a business down.
We're with you!

[emmicd]

Thanks Prissy Girl for your encouragement! I am so very appreciative!

emmi

[Kelsy]

I am TS but there are too many things holding me back.

Emmi, Personal losses due to transition are almost a given. GID is a struggle but the struggle really begins
when the decision to transition is made. Work can suffer, finances can worsen, freindships will be threatened and
above all familly members may actually reject you. So you have to weigh the consequences of your choices.
How important is it?If there is too much holding you back then don't drive yourself crazy wanting what you are unwilling to risk everything for. If the need does not out weigh the risk then you don't really need to do it!

Kelsy