The conversation

[Anna Lorree]

Today I told my wife (Knitknerd on this site) that I am transsexual. A lot of tears and a lot of talking today. She asked if I can enjoy life without transitioning, I told her that I can't really answer that right now. I told her that I want to talk to a doctor about low-dose estrogen, and that I have no intention of leaving her. That helped, I think. We both have a lot of processing to do, but I feel relieved. We agreed to take life a little at a time, and to re-evaluate as we each need to. I know she is scared, I am too, but this conversation has been a long time coming and I am glad it is out on the table. Hurting her sucks, but so does living a lie. On the plus side, she is still here and still talking with me.

Anna

[LeaP]

That's a very significant discussion, Anna. I have had similar (though not about hormones) that have gone less well.

A day at a time seems very prudent and this must feel like a load has been lifted.

Lea

[Julia_in_Pa]

Anna,

Remember that honesty is the best thing you can ever have in a relationship no matter what that relationship is.
The lesser of the two evils here if that's what you call them is living behind one more day of a curtain hiding the real you from your spouse.
I know this took courage and now that it's out you and her can build a more solid base in which to build a stronger relationship on.

Continue to be brave sister.


Julia

[LaurenB]

Anna,
I hope that things settle out for your wife and you. Maybe there is a mostly happy medium to be found. I'm curious though what you mean by "low dose estrogen". Is that really and option? Do other TS's do that? And is it something that would help over the long run? Sorry to respond with questions -- I'm midway through Jennifer Boylans book "She's not there" and it's resonating deeply with me. Best to you.
L

[sandra-leigh]

I'm curious though what you mean by "low dose estrogen". Is that really and option?

Yes, it works for some people, and does not work for others. When someone has GID that has notable roots in brain chemistry (or in brain centers not all being the same gender) then HRT will sometimes dampen the GID quite a bit; sometimes a relatively low dose is all it takes for people. Other people need to the full high T-blocker + high-dose, especially if female body image is particularly important.

Estrogen is more effective with a T blocker, but can be used alone.

I am one of the people whose GID is damped a lot on HRT. I was not deliberately on a low-dose treatment, but it happened that moderate doses worked fairly efficiently on me. Through circumstance I am maintaining on just cypro (a T blocker) now, with no estrogen (I am having muscle massage done on my hips and lower back once to twice a week, and the patches get in the way of that.)

[RachelOKC]

Today I told my wife (Knitknerd on this site) that I am transsexual. A lot of tears and a lot of talking today. She asked if I can enjoy life without transitioning, I told her that I can't really answer that right now. I told her that I want to talk to a doctor about low-dose estrogen, and that I have no intention of leaving her. That helped, I think. We both have a lot of processing to do, but I feel relieved. We agreed to take life a little at a time, and to re-evaluate as we each need to. I know she is scared, I am too, but this conversation has been a long time coming and I am glad it is out on the table. Hurting her sucks, but so does living a lie. On the plus side, she is still here and still talking with me.

Anna

I'm glad you two are talking, that's the very best thing you can do. Keep the lines of communication open even when it's really hard and it seems that neither of you will ever understand each other. I wish I had in my relationship and I wish so many things were cleared up years ago before they became misunderstandings and then turned to resentments.

My relationship with my spouse is on a razor's edge right now and I worry it may now be too late. Sure we talked, but we didn't communicate.

[JohnH]

Estrogen is more effective with a T blocker, but can be used alone.

I am one of the people whose GID is damped a lot on HRT. I was not deliberately on a low-dose treatment, but it happened that moderate doses worked fairly efficiently on me. Through circumstance I am maintaining on just cypro (a T blocker) now, with no estrogen (I am having muscle massage done on my hips and lower back once to twice a week, and the patches get in the way of that.)

There is Estrogel or Oestrogel (Estradiol [type of estrogen] in a gel) that can be rubbed on the arms. That way there are no issues with having patches.

John

[kimdl93]

That was a big step, obviously, and I think a constructive one. You've shown youself to be very considerate of your wife's feelings and needs, as well as deeply committed to maintaining your family. I'm sure that despite her apprehensions, she appreciates this.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You did a really difficult thing and it sure seems you are doing everything you can to be loving and compassionate...i hope this works out for the best for both of you...

[morgan51]

I have had the same talk and know how difficult that was. I wish you both the best keep talking its the best way.

[melissaK]

@ Anna: Cool. Kudos. Takes strength to tell someone what they don't want to hear. And in love relationships such conversations quickly reveal relationships that have less healthy underpinnings (i.e. are based upon "enabling", or are held together by fears of abandonment, etc.)

@ Lauren B: Been fighting transitioning all my life, untangling feelings of shame, guilt, fears, etc with repeated vacations up d' Nile river. I tried the "low" dose idea to find a way to reduce anxiety and cope, but without transitioning. There's probably some old post of mine archived somewhere saying this.

But what I found should have been obvious to me from the beginning, there's not really any "low" dose that will reduce your anxiety and not also start you growing breasts. Think about it - if that "low dose" solution was out there everyone would do just HRT and not much else. This board might be empty of posts.

What I found is that even on HRT I still feel the desire to live as a woman full time, but without the uncontrollable anxiety. If I tried to quit or reduce the dosage so breasts didn't grow, all the old anxiety feelings come back. Perhaps the reasons are physical - my body likes estrogen, or perhaps its mental. HRT represents a step to transition, and growing some breasts represents an undeniable declaration to everyone and myself, that I want to live as a woman. I sorta backed into starting to do what I have really wanted to do all along.

So, I suppose "low dose" HRT can be viewed as a stall, and how long that stall could work for you is unknown - mileage may vary so to speak. But I think starting "low dose" HRT is the toe in the water of the ocean you know you are going to swim in anyway.

And if you pursue the idea of low dose HRT, girl, you darn well better re-read this web-sites sticky note on risks of doing HRT without a Dr. And, you'd better keep the therapist around because the depression from not living as a woman full time, and not admitting that you are on the path of transition can still creep back and put you in mentally bad places.

hugs to all,
'lissa

[Kristy_K]

When I had the same talk a year ago it ended with a divorce. I hope everything will work out for the both of you.

[Anna Lorree]

And if you pursue the idea of low dose HRT, girl, you darn well better re-read this web-sites sticky note on risks of doing HRT without a Dr. And, you'd better keep the therapist around because the depression from not living as a woman full time, and not admitting that you are on the path of transition can still creep back and put you in mentally bad places.

If I start any HRT, it will be with prescription.

Anna