Sarah Sometimes
05-09-2012, 01:51 PM
How did I get here? Took a left off Denial Drive onto Acceptance Avenue and kept on going till I hit this wonderful village.
I know, its corny but its how I feel.
Hi, my name is Sarah. Ive been a member of the forum for a while but my first post was yesterday, a small bit in the introductions forum. I feel like I was born yesterday!
I wanted to get out a bit more about myself, hence this thread. Its going to take a while so grab a glass of wine, or a cup of coffee if its a bit too early for the wine, and make yourself comfortable.
I grew up in a predominantly female environment. My dad left when I was 3 (this will become very relevant later on), I had no brothers or grandfathers. So I was brought up by my mother and grandmother. As is the case with most of us I tried a little crossdressing while I was a child and into my teens, borrowed mum's stuff out of the wardrobe, that kind of thing. I distinctly remember one time I was about 14 and I dared myself to borrow a bra, hide it in my room till my mother came home, and then put it on under a sweatshirt. There were no forms or padding, it was just the bra. Then I went and sat downstairs in the living room where my mother was. I was convinced she knew and could see the bra straps but if she could she never said anything. And with a strong catholic upbringing I think she would have been too ashamed of me to admit to knowing.
When I left home I couldn't really dress anymore as I simply didn't have any clothes or money to buy anything.
After a couple of years I met the woman who would become my wife. She is a fantastic woman, a wonderful wife and a perfect mother to our kids.
We began to get 'adventurous' in the bedroom and one night she dared me to wear a pair of her panties. Im up for most dares, especially this one. It felt so good. After that I think I ended up with a couple of pairs of her panties as mine, not much, but a couple.
Fast forward a few years and I told my wife I wanted to buy some of my own panties (the other ones were long gone). She was a bit apprehensive, after all I hadnt worn any for a long time, maybe a decade. She asked me why and we had a good and frank discussion about it. One of her issues was that she thought maybe I was gay. This is where my dad comes back in. We had not long found out that after my dad left he came out to his mother as gay, sometime later contracted HIV and died in the 80's. We only found out about this more than a decade after his death. His sister, my aunt is also gay. My wife worried that maybe this was step one to me coming out as a gay man. I convinced her that I was completely straight, still madly in love with my wife, not gay, not even bi-curious and it was just about me wanting to wear the panties. She agreed under certain conditions
There were to be no 'girlie' colours, black being preferable
There were to be no bras, stockings etc
There were to be no outer clothes
There were to be no shoes
I agreed to it and she allowed me to order panties from mail order catalogues over the internet. I built up a selection. Purely by chance I ordered a pair and out came a double back; one satin black with a big pink bow and one pink with a big black bow. She asked me why I had ordered them and I said honestly that I hadnt realised it was a double pack and I thought I was just ordering the black pair. She allowed me to keep and wear them both.
Over a period of time I was able to order tights/pantyhose and then my favourite purchases, bodysuits, not the underwear ones with the cups but the t-shirt type ones that you could wear with a pair of jeans. I found them so comfortable to wear, even with the popper gusset fastening. I would regulary wear them under a sweatshirt or jumper with my wifes knowledge amd acceptance. I also started wearing them to work as they kept me so much warmer than mens t-shirts.
Then for some reason 6 months ago I took it upon myself to throw them all away; panties, bodysuits, the lot. I think it was after a long period of denial. I made the impulse decision and binned the lot. A tiny little part of it was that I started to lose weight. I was a UK sz 32 and maybe beyond that but the give in the fabrics accomadated it. But mainly I was in denial. By this point I had joined the forum but had stayed away for a long time, returning only yesterday with my first post. Now Im regretting that decision. I so wish I hadnt acted on impulse, but the attempt to ‘change’ myself and deny who I am was overwhelming.
Fast forward again to the last couple of months. I have always been able to laugh and joke with my wife. We were talking out my weight loss and I ‘joked’ that once I lose the weight (I want to lose about 280lbs/20st) Im going to put on one of her corsets and wear it. She laughed and said yeah right. Since then I have also joked about buying a suspender belt and stocking and wearing them under my jeans. I think deep down she knows Im serious, but she laughs it off.
The problem is that I dont want to stop there. I have accepted who I am now and I want to fully dress. I want the whole experience. I want to be able to try make-up, buy shoes, buy clothes, underwear. I want to be able to go out as Sarah and experience the world through a new set of eyes. I just dont know if I could take it that far with my wifes consent. I am so scared of losing her over this.
I do intend to purchase some more panties soon. Im just deciding which dress size to get down to before buying them. I would like nothing more right now than to be wearing a matching bra and panties, a big baggy jumper that comes down over my bum, a pair of leggings and some flat ballet slipper shoes. But it all seems so far away.
Well thats a bit more about me. If you are still reading I thank you and commend your staying power.
I know, its corny but its how I feel.
Hi, my name is Sarah. Ive been a member of the forum for a while but my first post was yesterday, a small bit in the introductions forum. I feel like I was born yesterday!
I wanted to get out a bit more about myself, hence this thread. Its going to take a while so grab a glass of wine, or a cup of coffee if its a bit too early for the wine, and make yourself comfortable.
I grew up in a predominantly female environment. My dad left when I was 3 (this will become very relevant later on), I had no brothers or grandfathers. So I was brought up by my mother and grandmother. As is the case with most of us I tried a little crossdressing while I was a child and into my teens, borrowed mum's stuff out of the wardrobe, that kind of thing. I distinctly remember one time I was about 14 and I dared myself to borrow a bra, hide it in my room till my mother came home, and then put it on under a sweatshirt. There were no forms or padding, it was just the bra. Then I went and sat downstairs in the living room where my mother was. I was convinced she knew and could see the bra straps but if she could she never said anything. And with a strong catholic upbringing I think she would have been too ashamed of me to admit to knowing.
When I left home I couldn't really dress anymore as I simply didn't have any clothes or money to buy anything.
After a couple of years I met the woman who would become my wife. She is a fantastic woman, a wonderful wife and a perfect mother to our kids.
We began to get 'adventurous' in the bedroom and one night she dared me to wear a pair of her panties. Im up for most dares, especially this one. It felt so good. After that I think I ended up with a couple of pairs of her panties as mine, not much, but a couple.
Fast forward a few years and I told my wife I wanted to buy some of my own panties (the other ones were long gone). She was a bit apprehensive, after all I hadnt worn any for a long time, maybe a decade. She asked me why and we had a good and frank discussion about it. One of her issues was that she thought maybe I was gay. This is where my dad comes back in. We had not long found out that after my dad left he came out to his mother as gay, sometime later contracted HIV and died in the 80's. We only found out about this more than a decade after his death. His sister, my aunt is also gay. My wife worried that maybe this was step one to me coming out as a gay man. I convinced her that I was completely straight, still madly in love with my wife, not gay, not even bi-curious and it was just about me wanting to wear the panties. She agreed under certain conditions
There were to be no 'girlie' colours, black being preferable
There were to be no bras, stockings etc
There were to be no outer clothes
There were to be no shoes
I agreed to it and she allowed me to order panties from mail order catalogues over the internet. I built up a selection. Purely by chance I ordered a pair and out came a double back; one satin black with a big pink bow and one pink with a big black bow. She asked me why I had ordered them and I said honestly that I hadnt realised it was a double pack and I thought I was just ordering the black pair. She allowed me to keep and wear them both.
Over a period of time I was able to order tights/pantyhose and then my favourite purchases, bodysuits, not the underwear ones with the cups but the t-shirt type ones that you could wear with a pair of jeans. I found them so comfortable to wear, even with the popper gusset fastening. I would regulary wear them under a sweatshirt or jumper with my wifes knowledge amd acceptance. I also started wearing them to work as they kept me so much warmer than mens t-shirts.
Then for some reason 6 months ago I took it upon myself to throw them all away; panties, bodysuits, the lot. I think it was after a long period of denial. I made the impulse decision and binned the lot. A tiny little part of it was that I started to lose weight. I was a UK sz 32 and maybe beyond that but the give in the fabrics accomadated it. But mainly I was in denial. By this point I had joined the forum but had stayed away for a long time, returning only yesterday with my first post. Now Im regretting that decision. I so wish I hadnt acted on impulse, but the attempt to ‘change’ myself and deny who I am was overwhelming.
Fast forward again to the last couple of months. I have always been able to laugh and joke with my wife. We were talking out my weight loss and I ‘joked’ that once I lose the weight (I want to lose about 280lbs/20st) Im going to put on one of her corsets and wear it. She laughed and said yeah right. Since then I have also joked about buying a suspender belt and stocking and wearing them under my jeans. I think deep down she knows Im serious, but she laughs it off.
The problem is that I dont want to stop there. I have accepted who I am now and I want to fully dress. I want the whole experience. I want to be able to try make-up, buy shoes, buy clothes, underwear. I want to be able to go out as Sarah and experience the world through a new set of eyes. I just dont know if I could take it that far with my wifes consent. I am so scared of losing her over this.
I do intend to purchase some more panties soon. Im just deciding which dress size to get down to before buying them. I would like nothing more right now than to be wearing a matching bra and panties, a big baggy jumper that comes down over my bum, a pair of leggings and some flat ballet slipper shoes. But it all seems so far away.
Well thats a bit more about me. If you are still reading I thank you and commend your staying power.