My thoughts on being TG?

[emmicd]

I sometimes feel disconnected based on my feelings, my emotions and my TG feelings. Even though I go to a therapist and I feel good talking my feelings out which I have supressed for so long it is only in that 1 hour session. Then it's back to reality. My therapist says I have been holding back and she sees the sadness in my eyes. She seen me in guys clothes and she's seen me in a dress and she says she sees the difference and says I am a much happier person in the dress. I talk about my childhood. I talk about the feelings I had and still have to this day. I talk about my shyness. I talk about my family. I talk about my career. I talk about my TG. I talk about my relationships, I talk about my family tragedy.

My sessions are now focused on my feelings. My reality is both good and not so good. I know that when I go to work I have to make a living so I do not plan to jeopadize that. When I go out on my own time I think I have to start to be a bit more daring in how I dress now and that is coming from my therapist too. I am not happy going out as a male. In fact this is the first step to reconnecting to a new part-time life. I am planning to enlist the help of a female friend who helps TG/TS people and I am going to have her help me present a feminine appearance. I am already 8 weeks into electrolysis and I can feel the smoothness of my skin. My electrologist says give it a year and I will never have to shave my face again. This to me is what I am excited about. A little victory. I am seeing a doctor also to discuss what HRT is all about at Callen-Lorde dedicated to the GLBT community.

I am slowly taking steps and even though I feel held back in many ways because of my love of family and my work responsibilities I still feel I have to push the envelope and dress as a woman on the weekends and in the evenings during the week. It essentially is a double life.

The funny thing is if people see me their first impression is that I am straight laced and perfect. Little do they know I have a secret. A big secret and it is such a strange feeling. I often wonder what people would say after finding out. Even I can fool myself with my TG. When I met with the doctor at Callen Lorde for the first time and she read my chart she did a double take. She asks me so why are you here? I then go into my story and then I see her take a step back and she asks me how long I had these feelings and she then starts to believe where I am coming from. So I am not making this up about being TG. I am TG. The thing I will never understand is why do people make such a big deal about it. I happen to feel like I was born all wrong. I was supposed to be a girl. I see in the news young identified TS as young as 16 being granted the go ahead to go on hormones. If I lived in a more understanding time maybe I would be so lucky.

I too feel I should be able to live my life as I feel and be able to do what I knew as a kid. The thing to me that is so hard is facing people to tell them. It is just so hard and when you have to work to pay your bills you feel you are at their mercy so you just give up on the idea.

I have a family too and a son who relies on me. I am not able to be so free to live my true life because my family need me and I would royally screw things up if I announced that I would transition and stand to lose my job, my home and my family. Do I really want to take this risk? I am afraid to.

So you see I am TG/TS and I know it but it seems an impossible road to travel. I know all the girls here given me wonderful advice and have said that you have to approach it slowly which I am willing to do but I am not getting any younger. I am 51 years old and I don't want to be an old woman. I just feel the time has passed me by. I still will do my electrolysis and maybe start HRT but the full surgery is out of reach both financially and realistically. I am getting too old for this! Oh I wish I could be 21 again!

The one good thing I have as a guy though is a beautiful son. So my life is not so bad for I did do something right! I am not such a bad dad either! Even if I am TG.

emmi

[Stephanie-L]

Emmi, your post fits me so well. I am only a year older than you, and am in very much the same place. My youngest child is almost 18, but she will live at home for at least two more years. I have started the process of divorcing my wife, my being TG is not the only reason, but it is a factor. One difference is that when I go public with my transition I hopefully won't lose my job, or if I do, I can get another in a different city. I have been on HRT for almost 8 months, and it has made a big difference, it is the biggest step I have made, and it has given me the most peace. Every step I make on this road helps me, so I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, even though most times they are very small steps. I don't want to be an old woman either, but more than that, I don't want to be an old man, or not get old at all, if you know what I mean. I have been surprised, my family, even the step kids, support me in the divorce, though I don't know how my transition is going to sit with them. Of course my wife doesn't support me in any way, but that is a different story. I too am so glad I have my wonderful children, and they are the only ones whose approval I really want, so I do worry about it. I also wish I was 21, or even 31, or 41 again, and could start that much earlier. I am doing laser, about to do electrolysis, and getting voice therapy, along with counselling, and as I said, every step I take helps me feel better about myself. I feel that, like you, I am living a double life, but eventually it will only be one life, instead of the two I have been leading for almost 40 years. I hope that you do find your path to peace.......Stephanie

[emmicd]

Thank you Stephanie! Yes it would be nice to get to live the life we feel we should. I agree with you and would echo the same sentiments! I wish you all the best in your pursuit in becoming a woman and keeping your family close. I appreciate your kind words and good wishes. I am inspired by Against Me's Tom Gabel which I saw on a post here who is planning to transition to become a woman. Great person! Great musician! I wish him well as he transitions to become female!
We have hope!

emmi

[Kristy_K]

When I transitioned everyone was also very surprise about it. They said that they would have never guess that from me. I just said that I did a good job of hiding it. Seeing how I just turn 57 a few months before transitioning I decided that I didn't want to die as a man. And that I have spent enough of my life already being what everyone else wanted me to be.

I will have to say that I have never felt so happy and free as I do now.

[Kaz]

Hi Emmi,

I so relate to your feelings. I guess I knew i should have been a girl when puberty started. I remember when I started growing pubic hair being really sad that this was it and I was going to be boy forever - I somehow thought that things might change (don't know how, but hey, I was just a kid). Life then got in the way and I have struggled with my 'CDing' ever since. Recently I have accepted this side of me and am trying to understand it all.

Like you I feel that I am too old to do all the changes... I am in my 50s and very bald. When I think of what is involved it is so expensive and I know that I won't get the result I wish for. I also have a full and rich life with 3 great daughters and a granddaughter who is to die for! Too much to throw away and too many lives to screw up.

I am resigned to stay as I am but live out my fantasy as and when I can. This is where these artificial barriers break down. I think of myself as TS, but technically I am CD. Inside, I am all Kaz.

[Eileen]

Emmi, yes it would have been wonderful to transition at an earlier age. Still to transition at any age is wonderful. My transition began after age 65 and continues today. My life, in my opinion, has improved considerably since the start of my transition.

Eileen

[Julia_in_Pa]

Emmi,

Being a transsexual in mind as well as body takes an honesty with ones self that most people do not have.
You have admitted you are TS and that is the largest obstacle to overcome.

Whatever you do beyond this admittance is up to you.
There are no rules to your life Emmi.
Just be you.
If you can find a happy middle ground without transitioning than this is the best thing for you.
If I could have been able to have found that middle ground I would have stayed as I was.

People make a big deal out of being trans because it breaks social norms that say "once born always is"
Everyone who goes up against this norm does so at his or her own peril.
Some lose their mental health from it while others lose their life.
Others like myself go on and rebuild from the ashes and rubble of a former life.
I'll never be the same after all of this. Mentally it was more than what a person should have to endure.

Be strong enough to know what is right for you Emmi.


Julia

[KellyJameson]

As always Emmi your writing is heart felt and incredibly insightful.

There is great wisdom in Kaz's words.

When you see the truth that identity is independant of your body and born in the flesh of the brain expressed by the self (mind) you will than know that you are a woman regardless of what you look like on the outside, this was decided for you not by you.

It is natural to want physical proof of womanhood and certainly this makes GID easier to bear and offers the possibility for greater fulfillment on the most intimate levels of human experience but it comes at a very high cost.

Kaz is no less a woman than someone who has transitioned fully and neither are you. You want to legitimize your existence to escape the pain of feeling illegitimate by changing your body, I know this feeling well and I'm traveling down this path with you and many others but I refuse to make my love of self conditional on reaching this goal, I like me no matter what my body looks like.

Reaching this state of mind will also protect you as you age because I have friends who have transitioned and are considered physically beautiful but they live in fear of the future as much if not more so than GG women because they are so heavily invested emotionally in their physical beauty as a symbol of their legitimacy as a woman so they escape the trap of being in the wrong body but still are trapped by their minds. Physical beauty is very temporary and very subjective and has little to do with truly being a woman.

I believe it is possible to find an emotional equilibrium for those who cannot or choose not to transition by using the powers of your mind to discover and experience all the facets and layers of self.

Think of GID as standing at the fork of a road with two possible paths both extremely difficult to walk, One, you change your physical self and your mental self follows the other you change your mental self and the physical self follows.

In my opinion GID does not disappear regardless of the choice you make. I believe on some level it stays with you for life but it does not have to be only a source of suffering it can be a source of inspiration as well. Learn to use it so you are not used by it and you will slowly become the master of your life and yourself.

If you enjoy reading and have not read " She's Not There" by Jennifer Boylan she writes in a easy, humorous style that takes something that is often deadly and approaches it from a light hearted perspective, amazing optimism even in the darkest times. I to feel as her and often laugh at myself, life and this strange predicament I find myself in. It seems strange to say this but in my opinion having a sense of humor has saved my life because it protects me from that which I have no control over until I do.

[emmicd]

Thank you to all of you for sharing your thoughts and views and for your wonderful advice. I feel good at least when I express my feelings rather than the alternative of keeping it all bottled up inside. i feel i am making an academy awards speech because I have all of you to thank for your kindness and for inspiring me. I identify as female. i always have and I wish i could find the right balance of transition, family and career. It seems I will never know what it will be like to transition if I never try. i must try to at least approach it in a way that requires a great strategy like Julie and all you girls suggest. I am doing all the right things but it all seems sureal to me.
Kelly, you are so intellectual in you perception and I find myself really learning a lot from you. I love reading your posts and I can see the wisdom and insight. Julie, you are truly so kind to me in giving me such wonderful advice. Kaz, yes we do have love of family that is so important. I can see how you are so very blessed and I think you look great. Eileen, I am so happy for you and I will tajke your advice into consideration. Kristy, I am so happy for you as you have transitioned and I can see how happy you are. I think that is great. Stephanie, I also see how you are like me and it is great to know how we all can relate to each other and share our feelings and learn from each other. I feel so much better when I can express myself and get such valuable advice!. So pretend I am at the academy awards as I thank each and everyone of you. Thank you Stephanie! Thank you Kristy! Thank you Kaz! Thank you Eileen! Thank you Julie! and Thank you Kelly!

I truly appreciate all your comforting words and wonderful advice!

emmi

[Kelsy]

I too feel I should be able to live my life as I feel and be able to do what I knew as a kid. The thing to me that is so hard is facing people to tell them. It is just so hard and when you have to work to pay your bills you feel you are at their mercy so you just give up on the idea.

I have a family too and a son who relies on me. I am not able to be so free to live my true life because my family need me and I would royally screw things up if I announced that I would transition and stand to lose my job, my home and my family. Do I really want to take this risk? I am afraid to.


The one good thing I have as a guy though is a beautiful son. So my life is not so bad for I did do something right! I am not such a bad dad either! Even if I am TG.

emmi

Emmi,

It sounds like you are a very caring and responsible person and there are some priorities that trump transition in the near turn.
If you are careful and can manage your GID there is no reason that in time you can have it all! You seem to know what is the most important things for yourself are.

Kelsy

[Jonianne]

Emmi, I feel your heart and your struggle. So often a woman's heart is torn between taking care of the ones she loves and taking care of herself, with taking care of others usually winning out. No matter what, though, you still have a woman's heart. However, I do believe that life will make a way, in time, for things to work out. I'm no further than you, but when I read your OP, what came to mind was, from the movie "Contact" - "small steps, Elie, small steps".