Hello again everyone...

[Becoming Brianna]

Hi, I'm sorry that I haven't been posting regularly, but I really needed to take some time and sort things out and do my best to finish my semester... Now that it looks like I will indeed (barely) limp to the finish, I feel comfortable posting my thoughts about what has been going on recently...

I am still as confused as ever. I thought the therapy was helping me, and it was, but now that it's over since finals have started, I'm beginning to feel lost again. I felt that I could settle in to a masculine identity after my request to begin presenting myself in a more feminine way and exploring who I am was denied by my parents. I joined an online dating site, focused on my studies, and continued to try to present in a male way. I even told my therapist that "I feel like I am settling in to a male identity now," in one of our last sessions. I also told him that "I'm either making a great decision or I'm lying to myself again..."

I rode the rest of the semester buoyed by the confidence that my professor's words gave me "you don't have to conform to ideals because ideals don't really exist." (it was an Asian Philosophy class). That and the interest I was attracting on the site (small though it may have been it was significant for my confidence) led me to believe that there was a chance I could make it through, and I began to think about these problems less and less.

Now as the semester draws to a close (I have finals and other assignments to finish over the next week), I am beginning to see that this was probably another wall I put up for myself to try to please my parents and others around me, because as I have stated many times, my professional future and how I am viewed by others as a potential future educator is very important to me. I WANT to remain a man, but I am not sure if I CAN... I will explain what I mean...

The story of the transgender punk rocker did not fill me with gladness or inspiration. It made me feel sad. She had accepted her true self, and I was still mired in a sea of fear, doubt, and a lack of acceptance. Everything came flooding back to me and now I am feeling very sad again. I spoke to my friend and he suggested that I speak to him as Brianna on Facebook chat. We tried this and it started off sort of awkward and embarrassing. I could feel the embarrassment and shyness in me as I spoke my face was hot flushed. I told him all about what I was going through. (Conservative family, lack of acceptance from self and others. even describing my male self as "my ex boyfriend who drank, studied way too hard, made no time for me, and constantly belittled me."

I had meant to make that sound like a different person, but I realize how much it sounded like me. When in the role play, he spoke about how he accepted me and that I was his friend no matter what my past, I wrote that Brianna was crying. And she was. Tears were falling down my face as I typed. I have to feel like this was a manifestation of true emotion and however much I may WANT to remain a man, I might NEED to take steps to become a woman. I cannot say definitively but that seems to be the present state of the conflict: WANT vs. NEED. Maybe I need to call my counselor for a referral and continue therapy... Or maybe you guys can shed some light on this situation. Is there something legitimate to what is presently happening to me or are these just the insane ramblings of a confused 22 year old? Anyway, these are just my recent thoughts.

[MC-lite]

Is there something legitimate to what is presently happening to me or are these just the insane ramblings of a confused 22 year old?
I think it's safe to say that, at some point, we've all had to deal with this internal struggle. The need to be who we are vs. the needs of others (family, significant other...et.al.)

I'm not saying "throw caution to the wind and do it"; that's too reckless and I don't know your exact situation or the damage it will cause. What I am saying is that:

A) Your feelings -ARE- legitimate.

-and-

B) You're fighting a fierce battle for self-identity as well as gender identity.

I chose to transition about 3 years ago. I lost most of my family, but I kept the ones that were worth keeping. 99% of my friends stood by me, and helped me through the chaos that followed my choice to transition. The other 1% were not worth keeping.

I have said this in other posts;I'll say it again: Make sure that you have a plan before you "throw the switch". Things can (and probably will) get out of control -really- quick.

That's where a therapist who specializes in gender issues comes in. If you don't have a therapist, then it's time for one. No shame in that. Over the last 11 years, I retired 3 of them. :) The last was the best. She helped me to accept the truth about myself and encouraged me to research it more.

You have a lot of soul searching to do. These things are best -not- done alone. You need an objective person who can remain detached and give you answers that make sense.

I wish you the best, and hope everything works out ok for you.

Warmest regards,
:Miki.

[Becoming Brianna]

Thank you Miki! I've been grappling with my personal needs against the needs of others for awhile now and it seems that the needs of others almost always win (I guess I'm just that type of person). Of course not knowing exactly what those needs are and being unsure only complicates matters but that's another story entirely. Throwing caution to the wind is definitely a bad idea for me, especially in my present situation (still at home). That also doesn't match my personality. I am a very measured and calculating person that does not make big sudden spontaneous movements and likes to be sure of things before doing them. I've already been thinking about the future both if I do transition and if I don't. What I'll do where I'll go What careers I will pursue, etc. My therapist was impressed with how much thought I had put into this before even talking to someone. Well this is a problem I've been really struggling with off and on over the past decade or so so I've had a lot of time to think.

It really is a fierce battle for me. I am trying to find my true self for the first time in my life and I have never heard my true self speak before (at least not that I remember). I have come out about my issues to a few people and everyone I have told has been at least reasonably supportive. No real negative reactions yet but I'm sure those will come. I've been kind of backing off recently because I am still afraid to move forward, still not fully sure. and have been trying to keep things as they are for my parents' sake but sometimes it is difficult for me.

I had a therapist on campus but he cannot see me now because classes are over and finals have started and I am on my own for the summer. I've been considering talking to him to get a referral but part of me still wants to see if I can fight this off. I don't want to burden my family with costs and as I said I really DON'T want to transition if I don't have to. I've fought it off before but it always comes back like it did for me a day or two ago... I really thought I had it beat this time, but everytime I think I've reached a conclusion I realize how little of this situation I actually know. I am usually fine if I have no triggers present for these thoughts and feelings but if a trigger stands in my way, watch out because it all comes flooding back to me. My therapist was nice and helpful but he didn't really offer me much in the way of answers he just let me talk and that isn't good because I'm so confused and unsure... You're absolutely right that I should not fight this battle alone and I have no intention of doing so. I need help to finally end this struggle, and I realize that. If I am to ever reach closure at all, I cannot do so alone. Once again, thank you for your reply.

Brianna