reassurance

[litlejohn]

For months now I have believed that coming out to my wife was the best decision I had made in a long time. Now not so sure. As we have progressed thru this she has been very understanding but lately she has developed a fear of me wanting to become a woman in all aspects. Honest feelings and fears but what can I do or say to show her that that is not what I'm looking for.
I still want to be the man for her to hold onto, to protect her and warm her when she is cold, I just enjoy the femanine side too. Other than the occasional melt down I have always been the steady one in the relationship and I understand she may feel I'm not the same, but I am the same person she knew before i told her what I had been doing.
I give her all the credit for dealing with this new life ( for her ) I'd hidin it for 30+ yrs. I personally have no desire to change my sex. I just want to be a little less masculine sometimes.
We are still communicating so that is a good thing. I just need a little fairy dust to make this fear go away.

[Jenniferathome]

You are doing all you can: talking. Talk often. She's naturally worried but time will convince her. invite questions. let her know that nothing is off limits. Also, inviting her here may help. She'll see that cross dressing is "normal" for straight men.

[litlejohn]

I did proof read my post a little but after reading it again. I meant no offense to those who decide for a sex change, good for you. It just isn't where I see myself going.

[Jenniferathome]

i don't see any reason for anyone to take offense. The "do you want to be a woman" question is normal and i suspect that all our wives have asked it.

[Chickhe]

The way its working for me... I told her almost nothing and instead just did it. My theory is, I make no claims about it because I don't really understand it so all I can do is experience it and if its too much, just back up a bit and say I got caught up in it the excitement. I try to include my wife sometimes to make it fun for her (she doesn't need to know all the details...she can fill in the blanks), but basically I've dressed up for the past many halloweens and its just a fun event. There is some deep thought and personal experimenting, but rather than her worry which I figure things out, its best to keep it to myself. Anyhow, since you told her a lot, now you just have to tell her and show her what you said above. ...my key message is, make it fun for her so she can see it is just a fun activty that facinates you.

[litlejohn]

I've invited her to this site, I wish she would try it and see that thier is a wide spectrum of people here. this latest hurdle is due to tv. Some show that showed sex change and how it was a crossdresser who decided to change completely. We are less than 9 months into her knowing what I've been doing for 30+ yrs. I have an idea what I want out of this she is still playing catch up ( my fault ). I want to be the girlfriend who occansionally shows up to go on shopping trips with her. Once a year would be awesome, I'll settle for once in a life time.

[Jenniferathome]

The way its working for me... I told her almost nothing and instead just did it. My theory is, I make no claims about it because I don't really understand it so all I can do is experience it and if its too much, just back up a bit and say I got caught up in it the excitement. I try to include my wife sometimes to make it fun for her (she doesn't need to know all the details...she can fill in the blanks), but basically I've dressed up for the past many halloweens and its just a fun event. There is some deep thought and personal experimenting, but rather than her worry which I figure things out, its best to keep it to myself. Anyhow, since you told her a lot, now you just have to tell her and show her what you said above. ...my key message is, make it fun for her so she can see it is just a fun activty that facinates you.

Wow, this is really, really bad advice. You a living in denial if you think you are helping her, but not telling her everything. Lying to your wife is not a reasonable approach. And it is likely that crossdressing will never be fun for the wife. Those wives who accept, tolerate, and even help are doing it for US, not for their fun.

[natacsha]

Ive been in that situation and even though it takes time, i tried accentuating my male side just a wee bit more....for instance, i play sports so when i hit a game winning shot or we just win....i would go a little crazier thand normal or act like an ape a little more. Just little things to help her see you in a masculine way, overall. Just my thoughts. Oh, it worked out with me, btw. lasted for 5 years. Then i ended it. k.

[Antoinette]

It is hard and will take time but if she truly loves you hopefully she'll learn to accept it as just something you do and still love you for who you truly are (her reason for being with you in the first place). I don't understand, you give so much of yourself to her and still they can't appreciate you for who you are. It's sad. I'm not married but I was in a similar situation with my now ex girlfriend (though broken up for other reasons). She just couldn't see me the same anymore no matter how much I've explained and proved to her that I was still the man she always knew and loved.

[Joanne f]

I don't know what you have been doing personally but I think there is always this tendency to over do the dressing a bit once you feel that your wife/so has accepted it which from a TGs point of view is quite understandable as you have had to hold back so much for so long and this can have an affect on the wife/so and how they feel about it .

[Barbara Ella]

I can so relate to the need for reassurance. A crossdresser for only 8 months now, out to the wife for 6 months. So supportive at first, she wanted me to do everything with her. The rate of my advancement was too much for her, and she regressed severely into a DADT shell with little to no discussion of my dressing or activities. Now it hurts to do my wonderful things without her knowledge. She does not even know my name. She knows I am not the same, even if I really am the same. She is afraid, and it is so difficult to reassure her that her fears wont happen. We are at a standstill on what she knows until she catches up, then i will very slowly bring her up to where I am at that time. Where that is, i haven't the foggiest, but it wont be anything that I have not told her she could expect. I am not a woman, do not want to be a woman, but i have a woman within me that requires attention, and without her beside me I am afraid that I am giving the woman inside a bit more than she should have. But it needs to be done.

If there is a fairy dust, the best it can do is slow things down and let them catch up.

Barbara

[Stephanie47]

I firmly believe the vast majority of marriages can weather the storm of cross dressing revelations, IF the marriage is good on all other major issues. Yes, there are always little quirks and differences that are routine in a marriage. However, throwing cross dressing into the mix can be upsetting. It does not have to be a deal breaker! Sometimes it is! You answered all the critical questions for her. No, I do not want to be a woman! No, I am not gay! "I just want to wear a pretty dress, high heels, makeup and a wig sometimes!" "And, not just on Halloween!" That takes a little time to digest and accept, whether it is destined to be a closeted issue or out in the living room.

You and your wife just have to establish boundaries and adhere to them. As much as I would like my wife to accept Stephanie, I will never ask her to participate in my cross dressing because I know it pains her when the subject to brought up, directly or indirectly- She will not watch Dustin Hoffman in 'Tootsie.'

I know SOME (I say SOME, because it is true, so do not jump on me) women view participating in cross dressing with their husbands as engaging in lesbian activity, which they may find objectionable. I do not think it is necessary to try to overcompensate by engaging in more manly activities because she wants her 'man.' Just be your natural manly side she is accustom to. Maybe wanting our wives to participate is just looking for validation of who we are inside. My wife told me decades ago, it was OK for me to find a support group. I looked, but, back then there was only the seedy side of cross dressing activity accessible (You know, before Al Gore invented the Internet! :) ). Maybe it is better to go slowly, at her pace, and, if necessary find an alternate way to express 'the woman inside.'

Good luck to you and your wife.

[Sandra]

The way its working for me... I told her almost nothing and instead just did it. My theory is, I make no claims about it because I don't really understand it so all I can do is experience it and if its too much, just back up a bit and say I got caught up in it the excitement. I try to include my wife sometimes to make it fun for her (she doesn't need to know all the details...she can fill in the blanks), but basically I've dressed up for the past many halloweens and its just a fun event. There is some deep thought and personal experimenting, but rather than her worry which I figure things out, its best to keep it to myself. Anyhow, since you told her a lot, now you just have to tell her and show her what you said above. ...my key message is, make it fun for her so she can see it is just a fun activty that facinates you.

You know I feel quite sorry for your wife and hope to god that the OP doesn't take any of your advise. You think she not worrying now with the bits that you included your wife in. I'm all for making it fun for SOs when they know the truth and are not being told halve truths.

Litlejohn,

9 months is not a lot of time for her to fully get her head around all of this. Keep the lines of communication open make sure that she knows you are there to talk when ever she wants to. You have said that you've asked her to join here, did you tell her that there is quite a lot of other wives/partners here as well? and that we have our own private section where she would get a lot of support and advise.

[Alice B]

Do what I did with my wife. Assure her that you are still the man she loves and sit down and establish some working rules as to when you can dress and when she does not want you to. Don't push things and over time you will gain more freedom, as she gains better understanding and confidence in you. It really works better that way.

[Cheryl T]

Be open, be honest and TALK, TALK, TALK!!

[DonnaT]

For months now I have believed that coming out to my wife was the best decision I had made in a long time. Now not so sure.

I understand she may feel I'm not the same, but I am the same person she knew before i told her what I had been doing.

I just want to be a little less masculine sometimes.
But you aren't the same person. She knew you to be masculine (apparently) and this means you demonstrated being masculine. Showing yourself to be less masculine is a clear indication you are not the same person. Sure, deep down you are, but not at the level where it shows.

[CINDYO]

crossdressing freaks a wife out, esp one that has been married to this man for many years, sometimes a few decades. There is no getting around the shock, fear, unsettled inner thoughts that a hetero long time wife has when bombarded with this very unusual and what to her is completely abnormal behaviour. It would most likely make her feel very very uneasy if it was her neighbour but.... this is her long time partner. The person she has shared her everything with for so many years, the person she was brutally honest with. It will take time, therapy, more time, lots of communication and lots of acceptable behaviour from the cder to convince a wife that her life will ever go back to anything close to where she thought it was... normal. If in fact, after all that can ever be done. It is a new "us" and one that she wishes was just a bad dream. She may have to just decide to tolerate it the best way she possibly can, attempting to maintain some type of inner equilibrium. It is life altering for a wife, and seems so unfair to these wonderful ladies at this late stage in their life. IMO. I agree somethings may be better just kept secret. I know many will disagree but i truly feel that may be best.
Think about how a husband would feel is his wife dropped something like this on him 20- 30 years in a marriage, really think about it. Most men would be gone if their wife wanted to pretend she was a man, even in bed dahhhhh.

[kristinacd55]

As my wife said, it's a rollercoaster of emotions.......just take it real slow and like was said before talk, talk, talk, and then talk some more. :)