Outed myself to my wife

[Sarah Sometimes]

After all the great advice I have received I told my wife last night. It ciuld have gone better, but it could also have gone a whole lot worse. We went to bed and while we were lying there the conversation went something like this:

Me: When I lose another 30lb I want to buy some underwear again.
Wife: Why?
Me: Because I am a crossdresser.
Wife: Well I knew that already from all the stuff you had before (panties, t-shirt bodysuits). As long as you dont want bras and skirts and stuff.....
Big gulp by me...
Me: But what if I did?
Wife: Why? Do you want them?
Me: Yes. I dont know why, its just something in me. I want to be able to dress sometimes in womens clothes, no limits.
Wife: With wigs and stuff?
Me: I dont know. Maybe one day in the future.

Then we had a long discussion. There were lots of tears from my wife which upset me as I didnt want to do that to her. She asked if I wanted to become a woman. I said no, I am perfectly happy being a man. I just want to dress as a woman sometimes. She then asked again if I thought I was gay and I assured her that I wasnt.

She said she feels like she has lost some of the man she married, and is scared that she might lose me all together. In return I said that I was petrified of losing her.

She asked if I wanted to go out dressed and I honestly said I dont know. Maybe in a couple of years or so, maybe never. I just dont know. I explained that she could've as involved as she wanted to be or not at all. I then tried to listen the mood a little by saying she would have someone else to practise doing her nails on.

We will talk some more about it. She wants to understand more and is still scarred of losing me after more than a decade of marriage. I volunteered that if it was a choice between us and dressing I would choose us every time, but that I was hoping it wouldnt come to that.

I am genuinely in fear mow that I may have done the wrong thing, but there is no way I can turn back time. My marriage is too important to me to risk as all we have are each other and our kids.

We may talk again tonight, I don't know. I've told her I will talk to her about it whenever she wants and be absolutely truthful about everything.

I just hope I haven't done the wrong thing.

Have I???

[kimdl93]

I think you did just fine. She already knew, so by opening the conversation, you've given her a chance to air some concerns that she most certainly already had. And you've demonstrated that you are worthy of trust - in that you spoke honestly and in the same process showed just how much you trust her.

Now here's the deal. Certainly, keep talking but don't force any conversation to the topic of your CDing. I'd let her bring it up next time and just answer her questions where you can. If you don't know the answer, just do what you did last night - say I don't know. Then leave it at that. If she has moments of anger, let her vent. If she expresses fears, give her all the reassurance you can. And most of all, take little opportunities to let her know how much you care for her.

Best of luck going forward.

[Jenny Doolittle]

You are to be commended by your honesty, and your bravery. I think you should tell your wife that one reason you wanted to tell her was because of how much you lover her and trust her. That it would not have been right for you to hide this part of yourself that is much a part of who you actually are.

Wish you both the best.

[2B Natasha]

No. Sarah you've done nothing wrong. The truth can never be wrong. What you need to do now is listen and hear. What you don't need to do is run out and buy a pile of girly clothes. Even when she says it's ok to go buy panties. Maybe buy a pair or two. Don't replace your whole drawer of fun da Roos in one go.

Sarah. It's never easy. And the journey you've set off on gas periless and pitfalls. But if you do it together with her. You CAN make it. Your a team. Remember that in those times when you feel she just doesn't want to understand. She does. But she's swimming against a tidal wave of emotion. Help her. Don't shun her. She loves you and you her. Show her.

[Foxglove]

Sarah, from everything you've said here, it's hard for me to see that you've done anything wrong. It looks to me like you were very honest with her, and it seems her reaction wasn't too bad. Could have been much worse.

Her fear seems to be that she's going to lose her marriage, but if you keep emphasizing this to her



My marriage is too important to me to risk as all we have are each other and our kids.


then hopefully she'll feel reassured about that. It sounds to me like you've got lots of specific issues to sort out, but as long as both of you are determined that you will stay together, then I think they can be.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Jenniferathome]

Yes you did. This is a very solid step forward. Keep talking and reassure her at every turn. Invite her here if she can handle it. She'll get perspective that she can't have now. Knowledge is power.

[suchacutie]

I does sound like your wife is a thoughtful person. To that end, I might point out that she hasn't lost any of you, as you are still who you were. In fact, she's now gained the ability to connect with you, and you with her, at an entirely different level. When my wife and I found Tina it was suddenly an obsession to know who she is, and also to discuss what it is like growing up as a woman, and what it is like to live as a woman. Even the fears she has about your dressing can be discussed from the point of view of you wanting to know what all of this feels like!

There is a positive side, and it can be deeply intense and wonderfully intimate (mentally). In the best of all worlds she will eventually (hopefully soon) want to know about this part of you, a side of you that is likely very empathetic and likely a part of you she very much fell in love with!

my best,
tina

[PretzelGirl]

It sounds like you did wonderful. You were open, honest, and caring. Emotions are going to come with this, so recognize they are there but don't directly think it is negative that they are there. It is an emotional topic. Everything now is about pace. Let her set it. Keep your activities at a minimum while this is worked through. Above all, remember this level is new to her, so continue to be loving and supportive. I wish you both the best and let love win the day!

[JenniferR771]

You were prepared for the big three questions. Want to become a woman? Gay? Is marriage in jeopardy?

and Four: Do you want to go out as a woman?

When she asked if you were gay and if you wanted surgery--she reflected the general misconception of the public that most crossdressers are gay.

[Joanna41]

Sounds like you did great. Keep that line of communication going with her. Be sure to remind her your the same person you were 10 years ago...remind her you love her and that won't change. Just take it slow so she can absorb it. Show her this site so she has an outlet also. Just keep talking!

Joanna

[Sandra]

IMHO you have done the right thing. Keep talking to her but don't bombard her all the time, take it at her pace. Keep answering all her questions as honestly as you can, don't say something that you think she wants to hear as may later on backfire, if she asks something and you don't know the answer then say so. Try to get her to understand that this is not going to go away.

Maybe suggest that she joins here and applies to join FAB, where she's get support and advise from other wives/partners.

[sissystephanie]

I think it is great that you completely outed yourself to your wife! My only question would be the timing, or the place you did it. You should have had the talk before you went to bed, and then taken her to bed to show her that you are still the man she married!! My late wife knew that I was a crossdresser bwfore we married, because I told her that I was. When she asked me if I wanted to become a woman, I told her that I had no thoughts whatsoever of ever becoming a women. Her response was that as long as I was ALWAYS HER MAN, she didn't care what I wore!! We had almost 50 very happy years together!!

Sandra is right! Your wife should join the forum, so she can get answers and support!

[Stephanie47]

I think almost every married cross dresser posting on this site has had the same conversation. If your wife suspected there was something you were hiding, i.e., the clothing choices, it was wise to 'out' yourself. Hopefully, your wife is a clear thinker and evaluated what you told her and your actions. You have to realize life with a woman may never be the same because of your revelation. Just do not go hog wild and start buying feminine clothing and wearing it around her without her approval. Tacit acceptance does not mean do what you want. Based on my personal experience you are correct in your self analysis as to whether you will progress to a full feminine presentation; makeup, bra, wig, etc. You will! Getting your secret out to her usually will cause some stress between you and her. However, it also relieves the stress self imposed on yourself. That is; Will my wife find my clothing? Will she throw me out of the house? Etc.

You have to respect and adhere to any ground rules that are MUTUALLY negotiated. Marriage always involves continuous negotiations. Do not change any ground rules without her consent. Remember, although you may have a loving wife you accepts your cross dressing to some degree, others may react negatively which may have an adverse consequence to your wife and children, employment, etc.

Good luck to you and your wife.

[NicoleScott]

At this point, there no use asking yourself if you did the right thing. You can't untell her, so all you can do is go forward.


She said she feels like she has lost some of the man she married, and is scared that she might lose me all together.

To me, this is the key. My wife asked the same usual questions (become a woman? no - gay? no) and I answered honestly as I assume you did. For some, being a man in a marriage is a big lie. Not for me. I like being a man, and she gets the man she married. I just like to dress up sometimes. Don't let her realize her biggest fear. Keep being her man, and she is less likely to fear your crossdressing.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

You have done the right thing for both of you, hopefully everything will work out for the best and you two will be even happier. "The truth will set you free"!!!!

[Petra.Briar]

Sarah, all of us have different situations....so whether you have done the right thing, only time will tell. I can tell you that I told my wife a while ago, and while different than how you did, I had the same reaction. The only other question I get asked periodically is do you want to leave me....which I respond NO. Like I said everyone's experience is different but I have learned (the hard way in some instances) that this is my thing and not hers. There are times that she is completely cool with it and other times that she wants nothing to do with it. I am becoming a little bit better in understanding both, while continuing to enjoy my feminine side. In the end, it sounds like she had an idea before you mentioned the extent of your desires.... just go slowly, and keep atuned to her emotions and reactions....good luck!

[Joanne f]

It can be a difficult choice to make but it is done now so the only way is forward but you need to go at your wife's pace or you will push to much for your wife to take in at the moment and as Sandra and Stephanie have said it would be a good idea to at least tell her about the FAB forum on here so that she could see that it is not unusual for her to think of the things that has been going through her mind.

[Barbara Ella]

Sarah, you have done the right thing. Time will tell if it was the best thing, but that doesn't really matter. She knows. you are being honest. She has intense emotional turmoil to work through. You have dressing. Slow down the dressing until she works through the emotional turmoil. My wife had tremendous intellectual acceptance and support when i told her, and felt she could control the emotions. We did everything together for awhile, but the emotions became too strong, regardless of my continual reassurances, and she regressed to a DADT shell. She still wants me to dress and continue my development, just not with her knowledge. I expect to help her swing back, but also expect her to regress again. It will be continual I fear. Doing it over, we should have gone much much slower. Keep her in the loop, let her begin the conversations, and continue the honesty. dont force anything in front of her. She needs to control the pace, because emotional regression on her part takes so much more time to recover from than slowing down progression in dressing.

Barbara

[Sarah Sometimes]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am definitely taking it as slow as possible right now. I rang her earlier at work and she was a little hesitant to talk, but I had only rung her to ask how a meeting went. As soon as she realised that the conversation flowed as it always does.

I am definitely letting her control the pace right now. She has said she wants to talk more, but I am not going to say 'ok, lets talk'. Im going to let her decide when she wants to talk.

As for dressing. I currently am not. I have absolutely nothing to dress in right now after throwing it all away in denial about 6 months ago. And I told her last night that I wouldnt be buying anything till I have lost another 30lbs. Even then I wont be going out and buying £500 worth of clothes. Instead it will be slow and building. Start off with a bra and panties that I can wear occasionally and slowly progress from there.

However, all of this is an assumption on my part. She may come home tonight and say 'Its dressing or me' in which case I wont be dressing. She is far too important to me to risk losing.

[Alice B]

Based upon my experience you did the right thing and in the correct way. It will take time for her to wrapher head around it and you must be careful not to push too hard. Keep the discussion open, listen to her concerns and see if you can establish some owrking ground rules that she can be comfortable with. It takes time, but if you work with her on your needs she will come to understand and better accept them. Good luck.

[Kerigirl2009]

I am going to pray for you and your wife.
I told my wife nearly three years ago and I made the wrong choice. it has seriously ruined my marriage and my wifes view of who I am and like you, I cannot change back time. I don't know where our marriage is going to end up after almost eighteen years together.
Try not to push it on her and also make sure you do not keep things from her anymore
For my wife she has zero trust in me nowdays and is now checking on me for things that I have changed since opening up to her about my girly side and desires. If I could, I would turn back time to just before I ruined our lives.
Good luck

[RADER]

Closet Girly;
You did a very good deed in telling your wife. I do not know if you in the UK have mother's day, but we in the
States to this Sunday. What I am getting at, is do something special just for her, Something to reassure her
that "Her Man" is still around. Take it slowly and good luck.
Rader

[busker]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am definitely taking it as slow as possible right now. I rang her earlier at work and she was a little hesitant to talk, but I had only rung her to ask how a meeting went. As soon as she realised that the conversation flowed as it always does.

I am definitely letting her control the pace right now. She has said she wants to talk more, but I am not going to say 'ok, lets talk'. Im going to let her decide when she wants to talk.

As for dressing. I currently am not. I have absolutely nothing to dress in right now after throwing it all away in denial about 6 months ago. And I told her last night that I wouldnt be buying anything till I have lost another 30lbs. Even then I wont be going out and buying £500 worth of clothes. Instead it will be slow and building. Start off with a bra and panties that I can wear occasionally and slowly progress from there.

However, all of this is an assumption on my part. She may come home tonight and say 'Its dressing or me' in which case I wont be dressing. She is far too important to me to risk losing.

It seems that that might be a great place to start off because it is really women's wear, but maybe, just maybe, the best place to start would be a nice blouse and a women's pair of slacks and maybe sandals. Panties and bras are the erotic stuff and sets a tone right from the get go that maybe there is fetish here. If you want to dress like a women, start with the outside and work inward. She will resent your dressing less, I'll bet. Victoria's Secret sells a lot of things but bras and panties are the BIG draw. Tone it down for a start. She will see them WHEN you undress, not before you dress. IMHO!

best to you both

[Bree Wagner]

You are to be commended by your honesty, and your bravery. I think you should tell your wife that one reason you wanted to tell her was because of how much you lover her and trust her. That it would not have been right for you to hide this part of yourself that is much a part of who you actually are.

Wish you both the best.

Great succinct advice. Everyone else said great things too and I'll just agree that you did the right thing being honest.




However, all of this is an assumption on my part. She may come home tonight and say 'Its dressing or me' in which case I wont be dressing. She is far too important to me to risk losing.

I really hope this doesn't happen and that you can work something out with time. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

-Bree

[Chickhe]

Can't say its wrong, but I prefer just doing and less words. My explaination is that its facinating and its for fun... no heavy lifting, but I have done a lot of personal research on my own and I'm in a comfortable space now so I could actually talk about it without becoming emotional. I'm not about to ask for much beyond what my SO is already giving me...no major lifestyle changes...she's got nothing to worry about.

[rachelgirlnw1]

Good for you, darling! I had the same talk a year ago. Sounds like you are very in touch with each other. Keep talking and being open with her, but make sure she still knows that you are and will always be her man, too!

i wish you the best,
rachel

[ReineD]

I just hope I haven't done the wrong thing.

Have I???

No, you haven't.

First, her reaction was inquisitive, not bashing. It looks to me as if she cried because she's afraid of losing you, not because she thinks you are "wrong" for wanting to crossdress. She told you she wants to understand more and this is a very good sign.

Second, if you hadn't told her, eventually you would become a very unhappy camper and this can also ruin marriages. You'd be hiding things, she would sense that something is amiss, she'd fill in the blanks with her own scenarios (perhaps believe you are having an affair, or believe you no longer love her), and slowly the trust would erode from your marriage.

Sandra mentioned your wife joining FAB. She needs her own forum ID. And then after ten posts plus an intro, she can join. The details are on the forum Index page.

[jillleanne]

Another thing you might want to reinforce in her mind; she may do some random searching on the internet. She will inevitably come across pron sites with gender varied people on them displaying their 'hat racks'. Early on it may be wise for you to suggest to her, if she would like to learn more on her own, or with your help, she first learn about the differences . This is probably all new to her and she needs to be guided along so as not too get the wrong impression. Obviously here is a good place to start and well as urnotalone, Tri-Ess, etc. The main advantage here is the strict moderating, and a specific section for spouses/s/o's new to our world..

[mykhelee]

You did just the right thing!!
I have tried to explain to many of my sisters here that if you crossdress your wife, GF, SO...most likely ALREADY knows....
When I married in August of 1990, my wife to be knew all of my "little secrets" We had been friends for two years....soon after I do the hammer began to fall. By the time seven years went by i went into the closet and we existed in don't ask don't tell land. Eventually we parted ways, my inability to not dress and her inability not to hunt for my stash (she found it in the garden shed once...she did not garden), created a lot of friction. I really tried hard, I just could not break free from being me.
Good Luck, I hope you two manage to find a middle ground you can both stand on and and it from there.
Khelli

[Karen Johnson]

You did the right thing and it sounds like at the right time. My wife was fearful of the unknown (was I gay, want a sex change, etc.) and it has taken a long time for her to come to terms with me.

Good for you for choosing her over dressing and I think it is important for them to know that. My wife married and man and didn't bargain for a girlfriend, too. When I feel the wife is getting fed up with my dressing I go in drab for a while. I can tell by our conversations when she if receptive or not.

Stay as open as you can with her and keep her reassured that you can be there for her and be the man she married.

[AndreaSC]

Sarah, you did the right thing, I too came out to my wife not long after we got married. She asked me if I was gay, I told her that I wasn't. I also told her that I would quit, and stopped for awhile, but it NEVER leaves you. I have started and stopped many times, lately it has been growing even more and I dress when the opportunity comes which I NEED to do! I wish you and your wife the BEST!!!

[Rebecca Star]

Sarah you deserve a big hug!
Opening up and being honest with your wife is a big step. However a bigger one is being true to yourself!

Your coming out is goes along a similar vein to which I told my SO after we'd be dating a few months. But we're still together and while she cried that night, and every so often for the next month or two, she finally realised that Rebecca is just as important a part of Moi, as the guy she fell in love with is too.

I'm sure given time your wife will grow with you on this, she's busted you before and didn't leave, right? She seems very openminded and obviously loves you deeply.

[Sarah Sometimes]

Time for a quick update after the weekend.

Friday my wife sent me an sms from work to say that she had a lot to try and understand and a lot of questions, but she still loved me. Saturday passed without anything being said.

Sunday morning we were lying in bed and I could see in her face she wanted to talk, she wanted to ask questions but just didn't know where to start. I decided to go against all advise and bring the subject up just by saying 'Ask me anything you want. I know you are trying to figure out how'. After that we spoke for a good 20 minutes about my coming out.

To be honest a lot of it was covering what had been said on the night I came out, but I thought that with the shock to her system it may have gone in one ear and out the other so I was more than willing to tell her again, especially as I get to say I Love You lots again.

I again explained I wasn't sure how far I wanted to go, but that physical change was not what I wanted, it was all about the dressing. She explained that she simply doesn't know how far her limits of acceptance are. I can appreciate that, after all how do you know you don't like crossdressing if you've never tried it before.

She is petrified of setting a limit that I can't accept and that I would leave her. So I again told her that she is more important to me than anything else in the world, and that if it came to it I would never dress if that's what it took. I genuinely don't think it would ever get to that as in the past she accepted panties and bodysuits when she thought that was all I wanted.

Again she felt like she was losing a piece of me so I explained that she would be gaining a piece of me instead, the piece that could better understand her.

We aren't really any further forward, but that's ok. I again reassured her that nothing would be happening anyway until I had lost 30lbs. So it gives her a lot of time to work stuff out in her mind.

Despite everything I do still hope that someday I will get to fully dress without any boundaries, but that's just me wishing.

And last night after a good day together I got to show her I am still the 100% man that she married. I think that has helped quite a lot.

Thanks for reading everyone, and sorry to those who advise I went completely against. I just felt that I knew she wanted to talk but didn't know how to start.

Love to you all

[Tina B.]

Sarah, that was the time to bring it up, after all you knew she wanted to ask, and was trying to figure out how to bring it up, you made it possible, that's a good thing. As for did I do the right thing, only time will tell, but it's always better to life in the light of truth, rather than the darkness of lies and deceit.
Tina B.

[Meg East]

Sarah honesty beats living a lie. The fact your wife is still asking questions is a good thing.

[kimdl93]

Sarah, based on your update, I think you and your wife are handling this is an entirely appropriate manner. Ultimately, you both have to feel your way along - and the only way to do that is to talk and listen to each other. From what I read, I think you've both done that admirably.

[ReineD]

To be honest a lot of it was covering what had been said on the night I came out, but I thought that with the shock to her system it may have gone in one ear and out the other

This will happen, at least it did with me. There was a lot that I didn't understand, yet I had no clue how to formulate my questions. So we did have the same discussion (with variations), over and over again. Eventually, I became OK with not understanding a significant part of my SO and also I developed a trust that he wasn't going anywhere. But, this took time.

[Sarah Sometimes]

My wife and I spoke again yesterday. She has said that she can tolerate and accept what I had before, but no more. So that means panties, t-shirt bodysuits and pantyhose. I feel like going out and comfort buying every sexy, lacey, silky pair of panties I can find just to feel better.
I know that I said I would abide by whatever my wife accepted and I stand by that 100% I was just hoping for a little more acceptance of who I am.

I feel somewhat resentful because I see her everyday wearing jeans and trousers, and to me that is her crossdressing. If skirts and dresses are a girls thing then surely jeans and trousers are a boys thing. I know its wrong to feel like that, bit its how I feel right now.

She has asked me to do something, a completely unrelated matter. She has asked me to resume contact with my sister. I haven't spoken to her for about 4 years and I believe she is toxic. But my wife expects me to resume contact and isn't taking no for an answer. Yet when it comes to something I want she isn't willing to budge. I know these thoughts are wrong and Important not thinning with a clear head. But its how I feel right now.

I put myself out there and opened up to her in what I feel is the most intimate way I could, mAking myself hugely vulnerable i could the process, and now I feel it was all for nothing. All I got in return was what I alreasy had. I could have got back to this point without saying a thing. I know she could've swung the other way and said No to any dressing, and I am thankful that she didn't. It just feels so unfair right now.

Over time to SO's become more accepting? Is this a trust building thing or is it more likely that I will never get more than I have now?

I am so in need of a hug........

[Sandra]

I feel somewhat resentful because I see her everyday wearing jeans and trousers, and to me that is her crossdressing.

You are so very wrong there, if she was crossdressing then she would be presenting as a male, just because a woman wears jeans and trousers doesn't mean she is in anyway a crossdresser.



Over time to SO's become more accepting? Is this a trust building thing or is it more likely that I will never get more than I have now?



Yes some do become more accepting but be prepared for it to take time, and by that I mean months even years.

I suggest that you try and stick to what she has asked for now, give it a few months then bring the subject up again.

[Sarah Sometimes]

You are so very wrong there, if she was crossdressing then she would be presenting as a male, just because a woman wears jeans and trousers doesn't mean she is in anyway a crossdresser.


My apologies if any offence was caused. But can I ask a question? Why would a crossdresser need to present as a woman to be a crossdresser ? I thought crossdressing was simply the act of wearing clothes of the opposite sex. And presenting was something a little beyond crossdressing. Is that not right?

I might be digging a hole here and alienating people but that is not my intention, I am just trying obtain a better understanding.

We are taught/told/made to feel that skirts and dresses are for girls only from a very early age, yet young GG are dressed in skirts, dresses, jeans and trousers from an early age. So while it might not be classed as crossdressing (maybe because it is socially accepted) its still the case that GG are dressed in clothes of the opposite sex.

Again, please don't think I am trying to offend. Im just attempting to understand better the world that I am in now, in inan attempt to find a place within it where I can be at peace.

[Sandra]

Sarah,

No offence taken :)

Have a look at this thread, it is an old one and is now closed but it explains a lot

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?150664-We-are-not-crossdressers.....and-we-get-fed-up-of-being-told-we-are

[Jacqueline Winona]

Sarah, so saddened to hear this. Can you live with her limits? I know you said you would and that you'll try, but you need to determine that first. As for acceptance over time, I hate to say this, but in all honesty not all women can change their minds on dressing. Can she live with you doing more when she isn't around?
As for your sister, it's your sister, your call on that one IMO, and just as you are being honest and respectful of her about the dressing, that is something she needs to defer to you on.
The pants issue: the difference is that their are pants specifically made for women, they are cut differently and fit the body differently.

[Stephanie47]

You started this thread three days ago. That's really not much time for your wife to absorb your revelation. Since you originally were going to wait on expanding your wardrobe for other feminine attire until you lost thirty pounds, why not work to that goal. You cannot lose thirty pounds overnight. It will give her time to think and maybe modify her opinion. Like many of us, you may end up in a DADT relationship, which may be all you'll get and all that you will need. My wife wants nothing to do with my cross dressing, but, a long time ago (decades) she told me to join a support group if I felt the necessity. She ended up giving me more than I had asked for, and, more than I've acted on since then. Meet your goal and re-evaluate then.