Therapy, self reflection, tragedy and realizing I am TG

[emmicd]

I knew it was time for me to get back into therapy once my TG/TS feelings re-emerged. I have been through a lot lately and I find therapy to be a very important way to face what I have been repressing all along. It is also helping me in dealing with my father's suicide which took place now 3 years ago. I was completely devastated by the loss of my dad and how he died which tore me apart. My dad was a great father and family man and I always looked up to him for his strength and his character. He was a great father and was very loyal to my mom who we lost many years ago. He was my role model and I always wanted to be as strong as he was. I love and miss my dad like I love and miss my mom.

She died at 50 and it was a very difficult time losing her for both my dad and me. I was in therapy shortly after my mom died and was for well over 3 years. That was over 15 years ago and even back then I was talking about my TG/TS issues hoping to transition in my 30's but my therapist back then helped me choose another route of marriage and family which was a good thing. I also did not want to hurt my dad as I loved him so much so I put off the idea of M-F transition and married and was fortunate to have a son with my wife who I was introduced to by my first therapist. We invited our therapist to our wedding for playing matchmaker.

My dad loved our son and he spent weekends visiting and spending quality time with him. He talked about the days he worked on the World Trade Center and the Verrazano Bridge as a proud ironworker. Everytime we drive over the bridge we think of my dad. He was a special man so when I learned he was struck by a rush hour train and was thrown 15 feet down the platform dying on impact I was never the same. I tried to deal with the the loss of my dad in such a tragic way but I was devastated and how could I explain this to my son who loved his "Pop". I have been dealing with family tragedy my whole life and it seems unfair sometimes the burdens we have to face. I just have to release these feelings and talk about them otherwise I will drive myself crazy. My one good friend who called me as soon as he found out spent two hours on the phone listening and really being there for me. He really helped me. The sad thing when I think of my really good friend who had a wife and beautiful little girl was that life is so precious and uncertain. I did not expect it was his time but I was devastated once again when I learned of his death 2 years after my dad's. He was only 40 when he died leaving behind a beautiful wife and baby daughter. I attended his funeral and was so very sad. I started to realize how important it is to live your life, be happy and always be there for your family.

My son is my life and I try to be there for him as best I can and through his isolation imposed by autism I can relate as I too felt the same pain of isolation with my TG/TS feelings and my gender dysphoria. I am strong due to all the pain I have experienced. I talk about this with my therapist and she tries to help and encourage me.

Sometimes I feel the pain is so great I question if I can go on. I have felt at times of giving up but I must be stronf for my son as I write in my blog about his autism. He is such a wonderful kid and the one thing my dad was great at was he never treated our son differently. He respected him as an individual and praised him. That is why we miss "Pop" so much.

So it is very important that I am in therapy and I am also addressing my transgender issues too which are a major aspect of my life as I have always identified as female. I have been crossdressing out of necessity since I was 5 years old. So now I have to weigh all that is important to me and it is very difficult for me emotionally. At times it seems too much to bear and I find myself crying and trying to find the answers. I pray to God and look to him for help and guidance as there are things my therapist can't do for me because she is human like me.

I know the importance of therapy and I hopefully will find answers and find myself and always be there for my family no matter what road I have to travel.

emmi

[Jonianne]

Emmi, all I can say is I'm sorry for all that you have gone through. You have so much on your plate. I spent nearly 8 years in weekly therapy which saved my life. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to survive and be the loving caretaker for your family. Just keep finding ways of sharing with others and letting in their caring for you as you go each day. The strength to go on comes from others as well as within. You can do it, even if sometimes all you can do is breath.

[Aprilrain]

I was in therapy shortly after my mom died and was for well over 3 years. That was over 15 years ago and even back then I was talking about my TG/TS issues hoping to transition in my 30's but my therapist back then helped me choose another route of marriage and family which was a good thing.

This, to me, sounds like a very good example of really bad therapy. If you are truly transsexual, marriage, kids and family will not "cure" you and investing another 20 years into a male life that is wrong for you is, from what I can gather from your postings Emmi, destroying you. This is why it is so important to find a good therapist versed in gender issues which can be hard to do!

My first therapist was a complete dud, the second was good at the time but I evolved and the one I have now suits my needs well. I am not looking for a guide however but rather a sounding board and, of course, eventually a letter!

[CharleneT]

Hi Emmi,

Another heart felt post. It sounds to me like you have a world of discovery ahead of you. To find out whether you need to transition, or are even a TS (vs CD etc...) is a hard road to tread. You have an established life, and one that you have considered and built carefully. Rather than advice, I thought I would share a song - specifically the lyrics ;) "Garden Party" is by Ricky Nelson, but this version is by Catherine Reed. I adore the way she plays it. Nelson is talking about the problem of changing styles of music, and how his fans reacted. The story is a true one, he wrote it right after playing a show at Madison Square Garden. For me, the lyrics strike very close to my heart. I read them as about changing in a way that your friends cannot easily accept.

http://www.myspace.com/catherinereedmusic/music/songs/garden-party-46378377

The lyrics are suffused with specific meaning and references, but as always with a good tune, put your spin on it and enjoy !

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Everyone has tragedy in their lives, some more than others...it can come in waves too..

as you consider your gender issue, tying it to all kinds of negative thinking is counterproductive...just like your previous clueless therapist was counterproductive....

we all do it... I did it... i tied the feeling of gender dysphoria to "dying and attending my own funeral"...i compared the feeling of dysphoria to losing a loved one (its not), i thought of my kids lives as "ruined"... i thought of my life as "wasted" and my existence as "wrong" and even "evil"..Gosh darn catholic church..

these are expressions of shame, directed at yourself...you are harming yourself with these thoughts... they are unnecessary and they are inaccurate



there is ONE THING that matters now emmi... it is your quality of life...that's a very broad "one thing" but you need to focus on this and put whatever positive feeling you can into it... you keep going on and on about your responsibility but if your life is anything like you describe you are already not fulfilling those things...your depths of feeling are not going unnoticed here or in your life...i can't imagine that all this angst is not impacting everyone around you (in a bad way)

i will take your assertion that you are ts as a fact..
as we've talked before, this is not around pretty dresses or soft skin... your condition is about the medical fact that you feel like you can't survive as a man...

you have to stop all the fantastical femmy thoughts you are having and stop all the self loathing and negative imagery around the real life issues... you have to start imaging a good life for yourself as a woman...your family perhaps separating but still figuring out a way to be loving and caring...you have to imagine how you are going to keep your job, not how cute growing your hair will be... and rather than thinking of your situation like 9/11 and you have to think about it as solving a really really difficult problem with dignity and self esteem...

Easy? not even a little bit.. but if you don't you are gonna just keep going around in this circle, people are going to tune you out, and years from now you will be even further down the rabbit hole....welcome to the real world...you are better off living in it than talking about it...

[Badtranny]

you have to stop all the fantastical femmy thoughts you are having and stop all the self loathing and negative imagery around the real life issues... you have to start imaging a good life for yourself as a woman...your family perhaps separating but still figuring out a way to be loving and caring...you have to imagine how you are going to keep your job, not how cute growing your hair will be... and rather than thinking of your situation like 9/11 and you have to think about it as solving a really really difficult problem with dignity and self esteem...

Easy? not even a little bit.. but if you don't you are gonna just keep going around in this circle, people are going to tune you out, and years from now you will be even further down the rabbit hole....welcome to the real world...you are better off living in it than talking about it...

Kait, can I just co-sign your posts?

Maybe after your signature, you can just throw this in "...and Misty too"

[Anna Lorree]

I understand the difficulty you experience when trying to find some kind of balance between your needs and your family, as that is my greatest stumbling block as well. Yesterday my therapist told me that she perceives that my TS needs appear basically equal to my commitment to my family, then she asked me to elaborate on that theme. I told her for me asking me to choose between the TS needs and family would be like a terrorist telling me he was going to kill one of my kids, and I had to choose which one lives and which one dies. It is that difficult for me.

That said, I also have to concede that Kaitlyn Michele's advice sounds very reasonable. This is Hell to me, whatever I do I am hurting somebody I love. I either hurt them by transitioning, or I hurt myself by not transitioning. I am trying to find some kind of a more androgynous middle ground where I can survive while we finish raising our kids, but its still hard.

I'm a continent away Emmi, but I'm also standing right beside you.

Anna

[Badtranny]

I told her for me asking me to choose between the TS needs and family would be like a terrorist telling me he was going to kill one of my kids, and I had to choose which one lives and which one dies.

Oh we do love our drama don't we? ;-)

Anna, what you describe is no choice at all, someone dies either way. If you were to transition, nobody dies they simply need to adjust. I know it isn't easy, and I'm not advising you, but if you're close to the Bay (I don't know how Northern you are) you should meet the lovely RachelOKC. She is battling similar dragons and she chose to fight now rather than later.

[LeaP]

...nobody dies they simply need to adjust. ...

It's interesting that there's so much nuanced, multidimensional, and spectrum discussion on this site when it comes to identity. People argue endlessly over a million fine distinctions. You might, therefore, think conceptions of post-transition life would also be nuanced and full of possibilities. But they are always black-and-white.

Lea

[Anna Lorree]

Oh we do love our drama don't we? ;-)

Anna, what you describe is no choice at all, someone dies either way. If you were to transition, nobody dies they simply need to adjust. I know it isn't easy, and I'm not advising you, but if you're close to the Bay (I don't know how Northern you are) you should meet the lovely RachelOKC. She is battling similar dragons and she chose to fight now rather than later.

I am about 5 hours north near Eureka. You know, that big empty part of the state where nobody lives and the only exports involve the numbers "420" and "215". Honestly, I am trying to meet others, I want to hear their stories. As for nobody dieing, my marriage would die. That may not be somebody, but it is certainly something that I value very highly. And you are right, it's not a choice, it's a rock and a hard place. And it sucks...

Anna

[Badtranny]

I am about 5 hours north near Eureka. You know, that big empty part of the state where nobody lives

LOL

People ask me why they call SF "Northern" California when really it's right in the middle. I just say, "have you ever BEEN North of SF?"

...but I lived in Bakersfield for 15 years so I can't really talk.

[Julia_in_Pa]

As I've told others it's better to have angry children with you alive and transitioned than your children having a dead parent.


Julia

[mykhelee]

I can kind of get where you are coming from Emmi...It took me years to get over my Father's death when I was a teenager. I was in mortal terror of his finding out I enjoyed dressing. He was a macho manly man, his viewpoints were straight out of the mid 50's. I had not even begun to come to terms with being Bi. I used alcohol and drugs to escape from the guilt I felt for betraying my Father's ideals. I took the anti-depressants, two failed marriages etc. It wasn't until my wonderful daughters told me as adults that they knew, and were ok with it that I began to truly accept myself for who and what I am. Being stable and sane for my kids and grandkids outweighed guilt over what my deceased Father and Mother might have to think.
Learning to understand who you really are can be very hard, that first therapist should have their head examined. It seems that they went out of their way to cause you harm. There are several programs designed to "cure" us, beware of any quacks who think being TS/TG/CD is an illness that they can cure.
Sending peace and love your way,
Khelli

[Anna Lorree]

LOL

People ask me why they call SF "Northern" California when really it's right in the middle. I just say, "have you ever BEEN North of SF?"

...but I lived in Bakersfield for 15 years so I can't really talk.

Most people stop and buy a "I saw the redwoods" bumper sticker, then leave. You have to really WANT to come here, you don't just stumble upon it. My wife is from Modesto/Merced, so we visit down there from time to time. I know why you are from there. :)

Anna

[Inna]

Ohhh, Emmi, what a burden of pain you carry within your life experience. I have shed the tear reading your post for no one deserves the hardships like this, yet, the path before us is what it is, only understood when looked at from a distance of time. As I have learned my truth I also learned that we are not strong, and our thinking that we ought to be strong is not necessarily correct. We are humans, as you eloquently put it, not of god stuff, but of human condition, weak, fragile, and often lost. We often look to our selves for resolve and want to be the helmsmen holding our own course, but it isn't so. Giving up on the idea of control, and sitting back to release anxieties connected with lack of ability to be the omnipotent, frees us from the burden.

I know that you realize such, I can read between the lines and clearly see your wisdom and spirit. And I wish you, not the strength, but devotion to the truth of YOU, the truth you can share with your son and wife and all who love you very much.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You might, therefore, think conceptions of post-transition life would also be nuanced and full of possibilities. But they are always black-and-white.

Lea


The key word is "conceptions"... trust me (and misty..heh)...if you are thinking of transition, you have no idea what that really means, no idea of what it will be like, and you will AMAZED at how THE SAME it feels as your life right now...

if you want to get dramatic about it, that is understandable...so i'll bite..

. if you are suffering deep gender dysphoria today, you are crushing the souls of your loved ones as you continue to perpetrate the fraud of your wasted life on them...sex with your wif(if you are having it at all) is a lie, you are not there for it...if she knew what was in your mind when you made love, she would hate you.

your children and your wife sense your distance, they have a deep emptiness because they simply cannot understand why you never seem like all the other dads, all the other husbands...they don't know why you go down into the basement all the time, or why you snap at them at seemingly random times...why can't you just enjoy a nice shopping trip to the mall...

if they know you are struggling, they feel guilty and afraid...for you and for them... they sneak on the internet and read about this..perhaps on forums similar to this...they are jealous and bitter of their friends that don't need to negotiate girl time with their husbands or fight over shaved legs in the summer, or $$ for electrolysis..they are cursed with the feeling that they are hurting you...instead of wondering about fun ideas for the weekend, they are worrying about whether swamis are filling your mind with horrible ideas, and worrying whether you are gonna want to dress again...

regardless of how bad they want it to be the same ...they know it isn't...and this thought kills them...why do they have to feel like the "bad guy"?..

at work your mind wanders, you avoid rather than embrace groups...you sit through meetings thinking of that woman you just saw, or focus on how you could ever transition at work rather than the work it self...you are getting less productive by the day because you really really don't care about the work right now...your head is buzzing with uncertainty and its harder to think like a businessperson, or its harder to concentrate on repetitive tasks...if you are in a dangerous workplace you are possibly putting yourself and your coworkers at risk...

too dramatic for you??

[elizabethamy]

sounds pretty accurate from where I sit, Kaitlyn Michele...

[Stephanie-L]

Ummm, Kaitlyn, when did you put the monitoring chip in my head? So much of what you have said fits me, and every day I find out you are more right. And the further along in my transition I get (still very early though), the less the clothes and makeup matter. Don't get me wrong, they are still fun, and I want to look good, not just like a woman, but a beautiful woman. The important thing is I am a woman, at least inside, and eventually outside too, and it doesen't matter if I am wearing guy jeans and a t-shirt, or a fabulous gown. As long as I am making progress towards my transition, I am able to cope, it is when I get stalled that I have problems. I am trying to minimize the impact on the ones I love, but I will never eliminate it completely, I am having a hard time accepting that, but I know I must. As others have said in other threads, there is a degree of selfishness needed here, if you want to survive. I wish you the best..........Stephanie

[ReineD]

Emmi, reading Kaitlyn's post #16, have you considered asking your wife to join this site? She must know about your wardrobe. If you tell her it is more than just about putting on dresses, it's a question of gender identity, and you get into further explanations with her, might she not want to learn more?

Do you ever talk to your wife about any of this?

[LeaP]

Ummm, Kaitlyn, when did you put the monitoring chip in my head?

Scary, isn't it? Or is it comforting? No ... scary. Hmmm - not sure ...

Lea

[Stephenie S]

Find another therapist, preferably a real Gender Therapist. This one's a dud.

S

[emmicd]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvnAgQ-pulU&list=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DLvnAgQ-pulU&list=UUKDCtUrZ74pkZ6rg-d7GpOw&index=0&feature=plcp

A drive over the bridge my dad helped build with my son.

emmi