A decision needs to be made

[Imeni]

Hello all.

Awhile ago, I made a thread due to a girl I liked expressing interest in me, but being turned off to the idea that I crossdress. I had posted that I didn't think it was wise that I give it up simply to be with a girl, and at the time, it felt like a good decision.

Several weeks passsed, and I found myself re-thinking my position on the subject. Unlike alot of ladies here, my activities are more due to a sexual fetish than anything else. I only ever do it when I feel... randy, as it was.

So earlier tonight, I asked her if I gave it up for her, would it be an acceptable situation? Many different things are subject to change when you date someone, or even just start a relationship in general. Some people alter their clothing style, others need to man up and get their life in gear. For me, she just wants me to stop wearing panties. Thinking back on the last month, I got "gussied up" like once. The month before? Not even once. So giving up something that I rarely do to appease a girl who likes me for the wierd, slightly overweight video game playing nerd seems like a good idea to me. However, I also seem to be gifted with a curse of blundering up badly. So I come seeking advice.

Should I give something that I barely do up for the chance of being happy with a girl that I've loved for a few years? I'm not purdging. I told her that I wouldnt touch my things, but I would still keep them for sentimental reasons. Alot of the dresses I got over the years come from friends weddings, etc. and I won't just throw them away. Does it seem like a good idea?

[Antoinette]

In my opinion, if you feel that you will be truly happy putting your urges to the side for the girl then by all means go for it. Always do what makes you happy.

[MandyGG]

Here is my thought....

Your happiness with her comes first. Even if she allowed you to be CD, it would STILL come first. So, you are doing it for the right reason. However, this is not something that goes away 100% no matter how blissful you are with this woman. Please explain to her that you will TRY to give it up for her, but she must understand that this is part of you and the urge does come back eventually. Tell her that you will inform her of when it is back, and you two can work together during it. You will never be able to quit for the rest of your life. It is impossible. But, you CAN be realistic about it and plan ahead.

My husband is also sexually driven with his CD. So, when the urge comes, it is bedroom kink for us. He can hold it in for months or years as well. But, like I said, it always comes back. Do not go into the relationship giving her false hope that it is something that can be thrown away. She will hold on to that and become angry when you start wanting to dress again.

You are in the PERFECT situation right now. You are able to inform her of everything before she makes a decision to continue the relationship or not. You are both very lucky! Keep it honest now and it opens the door for honesty in the future.

Best of luck!

[ReineD]

It starts out being sexual for most CDers. But eventually it becomes a need to express femininity, even though it may be difficult for you to see this right now.

I don't want to have you ruin your chances with this girl, but I've seen heartbreaking stories of CDers who do give it up for new relationships, they fall in love, marry and perhaps have kids, and then the urges come back. Stronger than ever. They *need* to dress. If their wives in the beginning were made to believe (because the CDer at the time didn't know better himself) that the CDing was "optional", it will be very difficult to convince them that it isn't.

Please look into your heart very carefully before you make any decisions. You could tell this girl that you can put it aside for now, but also familiarize yourself with the patterns so that you can tell her there is a chance that eventually you will want to dress again ... and no, it won't mean that you are gay, that you want to become a woman, or that she is not "enough" for you.

[Rebecca Star]

It starts out being sexual for most CDers. But eventually it becomes a need to express femininity, even though it may be difficult for you to see this right now.

I don't want to have you ruin your chances with this girl, but I've seen heartbreaking stories of CDers who do give it up for new relationships, they fall in love, marry and perhaps have kids, and then the urges come back. Stronger than ever. They *need* to dress. If their wives in the beginning were made to believe (because the CDer at the time didn't know better himself) that the CDing was "optional", it will be very difficult to convince them that it isn't.

Please look into your heart very carefully before you make any decisions. You could tell this girl that you can put it aside for now, but also familiarize yourself with the patterns so that you can tell her there is a chance that eventually you will want to dress again ... and no, it won't mean that you are gay, that you want to become a woman, or that she is not "enough" for you.

Well said Reine!

The part I highlighted in red I believe is very important when discussing our CDing with a new flame or potential partner. From what I've gatherd from my SO her biggest fears was I wasn't attracted to her anymore and I wanted to change gender. For me, emphasising that I truly love her and she is more than enough woman for me, settled her worries and eased her mind.

From that point onward, it was easier to explain Rebecca to her because I have the feeling she didn't feel threatned, if that makes sense.

Like the other ladies have expressed, you need to be happy - that should always be 1'st and foremost, regardless if it's CDing or not. As I've got older (in 40's now), the urge to connect with my female persona has became stronger. It's not something I could simply cast aside, to do so would affect me on as a whole person.

Granted I'm one of the fortunate few who has a supportive SO. I'd had other relationships where Rebecca was kept in the closet and that was a painful. For what it's worth, I don;t think I personally could forgo Rebecca and be in a relationship with anyone who didn't accept my CDing now. As I get older, being open with friends is paramount to my contentment so not having someone who I'm sharing my life with knowing about all of me, would make me feel uncomfortable.

It's a BIG call on your part...Do I take the risk and say, I'm sorry but doing what I do is a part of me I don't think I can drop it. Or, do you just drop it and start a relationship with a lady who maybe bevcome your wife and keep your CDing hidden under lock and key hoping that it will never become such an urge that it will start to eat at you....

I wish you well Imeni

hugs

x

Rebecca

[Foxglove]

I'll echo what Mandy and Reine have said: if you're a CDer, you're a CDer. It's a lifetime sentence or blessing, depending on how you want to look at it. You can repress your desire to dress. I did it myself for many years because I felt I had good reason to. But I regret that decision now. Maybe I could have found some other solution, because that decision cost me a lot.

The urge can come and go, but it never goes away completely, and you never know when it'll be back with a vengeance. On this forum, we all talk about the need to be honest with an SO. If you tell her that you're going to give up CDing forever, it's questionable whether that will be honest. Maybe you could do it, maybe you couldn't. But could any CDer honestly promise someone that he'll never do it again?

I don't know. Maybe so. If I made a promise like that, it wouldn't be honest. But you search your own heart, and see what you think. If it turns out you can't give it up for good, it'll be no shame to you. A lot of us have tried. But at the end of the day, you'll find your own way on this question.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Rachel Lea]

Hello all.

Several weeks passsed, and I found myself re-thinking my position on the subject. Unlike alot of ladies here, my activities are more due to a sexual fetish than anything else. I only ever do it when I feel... randy, as it was.

When I first meet my wife I thought "great I am done with dressing" and the urges did go away for a short time, maybe 1 year. (She does not know I dress) Buttttt, then her pantyhose were laying there on the end table or cedar chest or bathroom floor and I just could not resist slipping into those lovely stockings. Now I don't dress for the fetish, though it is still a turn on, but I just enjoy the feeling of all of the garments and make-up. If I had to do it again, I would find a girl who would participates with my dressing or would at least accept it. If this was not possible then I would not get involved.

[AshleyScott]

Imeni, bonjour from France...

I will have been married to my First Wife for 40 years on June 10th... because I love her and because she loves me, warts and all :brolleyes:

We don't always agree. Neither of us are perfect. We each have differing preferences.

I came to acknowledge my feminine self late in life.

This honesty has brought different reactions from my First Wife, my children and friends... some of their reactions have been, shall we say, "illuminating".

But I don't believe any worthwhile relationship can be built on less than the truth.

I believe your initial assessment was closer to a solution. On the whole, people are not attracted to those that are fickle.

Bises

Ashley

[JC]

Renie - you describe it so well....It starts out being sexual for most CDers. But eventually it becomes a need to express femininity, even though it may be difficult for you to see this right now.

I don't want to have you ruin your chances with this girl, but I've seen heartbreaking stories of CDers who do give it up for new relationships, they fall in love, marry and perhaps have kids, and then the urges come back. Stronger than ever. They *need* to dress. If their wives in the beginning were made to believe (because the CDer at the time didn't know better himself) that the CDing was "optional", it will be very difficult to convince them that it isn't.

Please look into your heart very carefully before you make any decisions. You could tell this girl that you can put it aside for now, but also familiarize yourself with the patterns so that you can tell her there is a chance that eventually you will want to dress again ... and no, it won't mean that you are gay, that you want to become a woman, or that she is not "enough" for you.

[becka519]

like they said it always comes back. If I had it to do over I would be true to myself. Live to be happy for who you are not be who you're not to make someone else happy. Trust me you'll be happier in the long run. It doesn't matter how often you dress now later on it will be as much as you need.

[JamieQ]

I know it may be a bit difficult at younger ages especially when looking for a GF, etc., but looking back I wish I would have not tried to suppress the CDing "for someone else". I think you did the right thing in getting it out in the open in the beginning. I don't think suppressing can be done long-term, but maybe short-term, then it WILL come back with a vengeance! I know you want to try to please someone else ,but I think you would be more happier if you came across that someone special that would be supportive or at least more tolerant of CDing. Most of my life I went around trying to please others but I really let myself down and I look back knowing I would have been happier overall. How can you really please others if you can't please your self?Be happy ypourself and then it will spill over to others. just a bitof my opinion... Amanda

[Cheryl T]

I'm of the opinion that if you have to change yourself for her to be with you then are you truly you?
Giving up something that is a part of you (no matter what it is) is never a good thing and begs the question, what else will you need to give up to have Her happy with You.

[Tina B.]

Well you don't do it often, but you have a large collection of stuff from the sounds of it. As i see it, it all comes down to why you dress, and I don't mean whether it's to get off, or not, I mean what drives you to want, or need to do this. If it's something you did, and it was fun, cool, maybe you can give it up for love, but if it's a force from deep inside of you, that wells up and makes you feel the need to dress, then I don't care how often or how seldom you do it, giving it up is not so easy. What is the point of finding the girl of your dreams, if you wake up in the middle of a nightmare, wanting to express your feminine side, after you have promised to give it up for good. Go back and search through old threads, on hiding it from the wife, most find a lot of unhappiest, and wish they could come out to them, while they hide, and sneak, and wait for time alone, is that the way you want to spend the rest of your days. Or start dressing again, and have her walk out with the kids, not good either, i know. Just be sure, you know what drives you, before promising to quit for life, that is not the easiest promise to keep for most of us.
Tina B.

[mykhelee]

I had just left a three year relationship with a woman who actually accepted my dressing...she had other interests. Fell in love with a gal....first it was no outer feminine wear, then bras, then hose and finally panties and shoes....once she gets you to give up wearing the panties please do not be surprised when she starts pressuring you to get rid of your collection. I stayed in the closet for 17 years and had to keep everything hidden. If she found my stuff it would be off to the dumpster before I got home from work and a weeks worth of fighting. The urge will always be there...I have never made it a year where I did not have to dress.
I won't get into the discussion of what is love worth, apparently you are not worth her putting up with you wearing panties.
nuff said,
Khelli

[Lesley_Roberta]

Hmmm this is the married person in me speaking. And after 25 years I suppose it is a well founded opinion.

You WILL end up changing for a person you love, it's inevitable. But you can also expect a person to change a bit for you too. It works both ways, or you end up divorced.

Do you imagine yourself ever getting married to her? Is she worth that much to you?

My giving up who I AM is not the same as promising to give up a bad habit. Bad habits are expendable and by definition 'bad' so we shouldn't do them anyway.

I wouldn't be remotely interested in dressing as a woman, if I didn't genuinely want to be one. Because it is either part of you, or it is just cosplaying, and really, if it is just something done on a lark maybe, then it isn't really vital to you, and comes closer to being an expendable habit.

If I had a friend or family intent on 'dumping' me as a result of my need to be who I am, then THEY become expendable to me.

I play wargames, if a person said my playing wargames offended them, I'd be inclined to tell them to get lost.

I play role games, and if a person went all religious rant on me about them being evil and satanic, well when I am done responding, I doubt I'd need to tell them to go away.

I like anime, and if a person called me something offensive like a child predator over it, I likely would break several important body parts on them.

So if the girl is of the opinion the clothes are a deal breaker, you have to decide, how much do the clothes mean to you, but more importantly, does her dislike about them signal a warning sign about something inside her that you might wish to think on longer. Because a guy wearing panties, doesn't make you a person with a flaw. So her objection to your wearing them might really be the real flaw present. It says something about her actually.

[Jenniferathome]

If you are keeping your things, you are not quitting. They will be a temptation. I don't believe the "sentimental reasons" story at all. The worst thing you can do is say one thing to her and do something else.

[Stephanie-L]

Basically what everyone else has said goes for me too. You are a CD, for whatever reason you dress. That may or may not evolve into something else, it sure did for me, and many others here. Now, giving it up for her, you may be able to, but I really doubt it. You will always want it, in many ways it is an adiction. I have been married 22 years, and every time she finds out I have been back to dressing, it is a huge fight and she threatens to divorce me, so now I am divorcing her, because I am really a transwoman, and she will never accept that. It may be different for you. One thing though, if she is asking you to give up something for her, something that gives you pleasure and causes her no harm, what does that say about the relationship. It is not like you are an alcoholic, what you do harms nobody, not even yourself. The best thing here is you are being honest with her. Good luck to you........Stephanie

[Stephanie47]

You've been on the site long enough to know there is a 99.99% certainty you will backslide. You stated your GF wants you to give up wearing panties. Does she know you wear dresses? Wearing panties and panties only is a fetish. Wearing an entire ensemble is more than a fetish. How do you feel she will react if you backslide?

Frankly, knowing what I know of myself now, I would never get serious or marry a woman who would be intolerant to cross dressing. I would not expect her to participate. I just would not want someone to hold a sword over my head and bring it down whether she felt like it. You cannot give up being the person you are.

[sandra-leigh]

There are apparently some people who are able to put aside dressing for the rest of their lives, with various degrees of internal struggle involved. There are also large number of people who are able to put aside dressing for 15 or 20 years, but once the kids get older and hormone levels start changing naturally or the "What have I done with my life?" starts hitting, find that they can no longer deny it. And then there are the ones who think that marrying will cure them but after a year or 18 months find that the only thing that is different is that there is now a lot more temptations just lying there calling their name...

You might be one of the ones who are able to put dressing aside permanently. I gather not many do, not even with therapy and behavior modification, but Yes, you might be one of them. And if it turns out that you are not, that cross-dressing comes back? What is your back-up plan?

I know that some people feel that in such a situation it is better to go ahead full-tilt under the assumption that you will definitely succeed, that that will give you a completely different attitude and confidence than if you "plan for failure". This is not unlike those who go unto marriage without a prenuptial agreement on the basis that making one admits of the possibility the marriage might not work, and that "prenuptial agreements lead to divorce!" Hmmmm...

[christinac]

You are what you are and anyone who is going to truly love you and going to love you for what you are. Even though it is easier said than done at times, never try to change what you are or try to be someone or something you are not just to please someone else because sooner or later it ends up a great big heartache.

[Annie D]

IT DOESN'T GO AWAY!!!! From one of us who has abstained, purged, abstained, purged and then finally realized that it is a permanent condition I advise you to move on.

In reading so many threads about SO's who tolerate and then terminate the relationship saying it isn't the crossdressing but something else in the relationship; are you kidding? It may not be the main cause of separation but it is 1A or 1B.

[CONSUELO]

When I was younger I had a friendship with a couple. He was a TV and she was bi-sexual. We had a lot of fun together and I used to dress in slips and stockings with them and she would sometimes put a wig and makeup on me. I rarely dressed in outdoor clothes and did not own any. They told me that I was a transvestite but I was convinced that all I had was a fetish and that I could just give it up or control it. Time and experience has taught me otherwise. As time went by the "fetish" became more intense and I began to dress more and wear the full range of feminine dress. Why my feelings changed I do not know but change they did. Now I could not even dream of being other thanwhat I am which is a cross dresser. Back in my days of believing that it was only a fetish that would be triggered by sexual feelings, I did not understand what the journey would look like and I had very little in the way of literature and of course nothing like this site to help me.

I understand your current thinking but be cautious. The temptation of thinking that it can all be purged away or sacrificed for the good of wonderful relationship may or may not be correct. My SF says that she has spent an uncomfortable few decades as my cross dressing grew in intensity. Knowing what I really am took years and perhaps we would never have developed a relationship if I had been able to describe my true self all of those years ago. At the time it would have been devastating but it might have saved an awful lot of anxiety and depression over the years. Conversely, my cross dressing is one of the strong pillars of who I am and I would not dream of denying it or suppressing it now.

[Barbara Ella]

You have excellent advice here, and you have done the right thing by being honest with her. You also need to be honest with yourself. you know the odds. You weigh the options. You make the decision knowing what may happen. Does she know these same odds? That if you promise, and do your best, there is still this chance. Is she willing. She needs to get to know what it is do be a crossdresser, fetish or otherwise. You must clue her in.

After doing that all you can do is try your best to live up to your promise.

Best of luck, Barbara

[Ressie]

If she really loves you, she'll eventually want to try to understand cross dressing. Many women are too turned off with it that they won't attempt to learn - why men have this strong desire. Negotiation is in order. I wouldn't promise to never, but promise you'll try.

I think what CDs like you and I need are a gf that will share and participate in what excites us sexually.

[Foxglove]

I think what CDs like you and I need are a gf that will share and participate in what excites us sexually.

I suppose we'd all love that, but such women are hard to find. I wonder why?

[Rebecca Star]

I don't believe any worthwhile relationship can be built on less than the truth.

How does that saying go? Honesty/Truth sets you free!


I suppose we'd all love that, but such women are hard to find.

I embrace the philosophy of not actually seeking but make myself consciously available (writing affirmation) by putting my needs, wants and desires out there to the universe. When I've truly lived by this, amazing things happen. That's exactly how my SO came into my life.

Wanted to add a quick note which I thought was important, one which I didn't want to add to my last post for fear it my get diluted.

My SO and I had a brief split last year. Not due to my CDing at all, it was I who decided to walk. I'd felt like a piece of the furniture for ages. Not long after, I met a lady who totally rocked my world. We both fell for each other quickly. However, with everything I liked about her, it was clear she would never accept my CDing. She had issue with me shaving my legs even though I also do that because I ride a road bike; think of Tour De France and Lycra.

While she kept the grass mowed, little remarks gave me the impression she'd rather have my grass grow wild. The final straw came when she was reading a women's mag and a story about a guy who liked wearing his SO's knickers. The remark she made, made it clear my CDing would never be ok. So I ended it.

Been back with the ex SO (5 months) and things are going well. We spoke, discussed and really connected to ways to enrich our life together. Communication is a marvellous thing if honesty and openness is shared by both; accepting warts and all.

[kimdl93]

Its your life. I agree that the sexual or fetish aspect of CDing can change over time, and I adhere to the "never say never" point of view. Still, I don't think that you should deny yourself a chance at a LTR with someone you obviously feel strongly for out of fear that your CDing pattern may intensify. Instead, this may be a perfectly good way to start out the relationship. She's aware of your CDing and if you're both ok with the current "deal", great. Maybe over time, her attitudes will evolve and perhaps her curiousity will be piqued. In any case, I wish you be best of luck.

[WifeofWrenchette]

it always comes back, it will never go away forever. She might just need some time to accept this part of you. If she loves you, truly loves you, she will accept the "whole you", all of you, not just the masculine part.

[Tina B.]

I think what CDs like you and I need are a gf that will share and participate in what excites us sexually.

But I did that, and it had nothing to do with dressing, I don't think participation is required, but acceptance is.
Tina B.