emmicd
05-13-2012, 07:24 AM
I have a secret! I have lived my life knowing this from an early age and I have repressed my feelings for so long that it just seemed natural to do so. I pretended and hoped I would over come my feminine desires and internal struggle. I thought that if I immersed myself in sport and I carried myself as a guy I would be able to bury the female side of me. I tried so many times. I purged all my female clothes over the years only to buy new ones. I was so innocent and just felt so sad inside. I never had anyone to turn to and the first therapist I went to as I reflect now upon our visits had a motivation to change my thinking which worked for a while. She made me convince myself that I was not transgendered and that I was just living in a fantasy and it was attributed to family history of mental illness in my family since both my parents suffered from depression and my dad struggled with alcoholism. She said I would be fine to carry on in my male life and so I believed her because she was the only one I ever talked to about it and she was the expert. I was always shy with girls but always appreciated them and loved them but I also felt like one of them so even with what my therapist told me I was still questioning my identity. I was mixed up but I married because I wanted to have a normal life and I wanted to have a child in my life. I am very fortunate to have a wife and a son and I am so much richer in how I have become a very kind, caring and compassionate person. My son developed a condition called Asperger's syndrome where he has difficulty in self expression and he has a need for developing social skills. He is isolated so it has become my mission to help him because I know what he goes through in his feelings of loneliness. I have been there myself struggling with loneliness as a child when I dressed. I lived in my own world pretty much like an autistic child does. I believe God gave me this challenge to help me help my son and to better understand myself in the process.
I feel guilty in many ways for not being honest with my wife when we met and married. I never revealed my transgender feelings and my crossdressing activities. I pretended I was male and tried to uphold that but as the years had passed and the stresses of life wore on me my needs internally started to chip away at my made up male persona. I preferred my feminine ways and needed to express that side of me more and more so I dressed up in private like I always have and I worked real hard in perpetuating the secret as I was afraid to talk to my wife or son about it. I had to keep it to myself. I never opened up about it and felt I just could not. It made me feel sad that I was never free in my life and always felt trapped.
As time passes and life has changed and I have lost so many loved ones in my life I have grown to realize I truly am transgendered. I have been all my life and it was no surprise to me. I knew from my early teenage years who I was but I had no way to properly address my needs because I was shy and very afraid to talk about it. i felt ashamed in many ways and tried to deny these feelings.
I am now starting to realize that I owe it to my wife to be open and honest because my life has been stalled for so long and though I have fought to be there for them I feel i am an empty shell. I am not alive. Sure I enjoy our life as a family and appreciate having that but something is missing. For one I am not the true person I feel inside and I am not being honest or open. My wife deserves to know and she already senses what is happening because I hear it through my son. She already has told our son not to be like your daddy! He is too much like a girl and that is not what a man is supposed to be.
If I could have been honest from the very beginning I would not have these feelings of guilt. I need to be honest with my wife now. It really isn't that hard because the cat is already out of the bag. I remember on one confrontation when my wife saw my clothes she asked me why I dressed and I told her I needed to so I could be true to how I feel and she said to me then the following which I believe she would say again to me. She said this "Well if you dress like a girl then why don't you just become a girl already!" "Why are you so afraid!" So I believe she would have no problem with me in my pursuit to becoming a woman but what is holding me back is that I promised I would take care of my wife and support her but the dynamics of family would change and I feel I would then be trapping her in a relationship that she would have to abandon because I would no longer be able to carry out as a male as I had originally presented to her. I would feel guilt no matter what and the decision I would have to make then is what would that do to me. Sure in my heart i know I would be so happy as a woman because that is who I am but I have hurt someone dear to me and I helped to bring a child into the world who knows me as dad and how would he get along with me as a female.
I just wonder how TG find true happiness in their life where they finally do not feel conflicted? Is that a real possibility. Does transitioning really eliminate the conflict? Whatever the answer is I still owe it to my wife to be honest with who I am and then I have to still express my love and devotion to her and our son. My son seems ok with my ways and he accepts me for who I am. I told him I will always be there for him and he can talk to me about anything. I know it is a tough age being a teenager so I have to be very supportive to him.
My therapist has discussed that I need to have a heart to heart talk with my wife and be totally honest with her and I realize this and I have to find the right time. I suspect my wife already knows which is the irony in all of this but it is not official until I come out and tell her that I am transgendered and am working towards finding myself and I believe in my mind, my heart and my soul that I am a woman and I have to do the things that will help me achieve that. I feel once I can do this I will no longer be a prisoner in my mind. I have been urged to do this with someone on this forum who seems to care about me and i am very appreciative about that.
I will have to be totally honest with myself from this day forward!
I love my wife and son and I will always love them. I also need to find myself and be true to who I am.
emmi
I feel guilty in many ways for not being honest with my wife when we met and married. I never revealed my transgender feelings and my crossdressing activities. I pretended I was male and tried to uphold that but as the years had passed and the stresses of life wore on me my needs internally started to chip away at my made up male persona. I preferred my feminine ways and needed to express that side of me more and more so I dressed up in private like I always have and I worked real hard in perpetuating the secret as I was afraid to talk to my wife or son about it. I had to keep it to myself. I never opened up about it and felt I just could not. It made me feel sad that I was never free in my life and always felt trapped.
As time passes and life has changed and I have lost so many loved ones in my life I have grown to realize I truly am transgendered. I have been all my life and it was no surprise to me. I knew from my early teenage years who I was but I had no way to properly address my needs because I was shy and very afraid to talk about it. i felt ashamed in many ways and tried to deny these feelings.
I am now starting to realize that I owe it to my wife to be open and honest because my life has been stalled for so long and though I have fought to be there for them I feel i am an empty shell. I am not alive. Sure I enjoy our life as a family and appreciate having that but something is missing. For one I am not the true person I feel inside and I am not being honest or open. My wife deserves to know and she already senses what is happening because I hear it through my son. She already has told our son not to be like your daddy! He is too much like a girl and that is not what a man is supposed to be.
If I could have been honest from the very beginning I would not have these feelings of guilt. I need to be honest with my wife now. It really isn't that hard because the cat is already out of the bag. I remember on one confrontation when my wife saw my clothes she asked me why I dressed and I told her I needed to so I could be true to how I feel and she said to me then the following which I believe she would say again to me. She said this "Well if you dress like a girl then why don't you just become a girl already!" "Why are you so afraid!" So I believe she would have no problem with me in my pursuit to becoming a woman but what is holding me back is that I promised I would take care of my wife and support her but the dynamics of family would change and I feel I would then be trapping her in a relationship that she would have to abandon because I would no longer be able to carry out as a male as I had originally presented to her. I would feel guilt no matter what and the decision I would have to make then is what would that do to me. Sure in my heart i know I would be so happy as a woman because that is who I am but I have hurt someone dear to me and I helped to bring a child into the world who knows me as dad and how would he get along with me as a female.
I just wonder how TG find true happiness in their life where they finally do not feel conflicted? Is that a real possibility. Does transitioning really eliminate the conflict? Whatever the answer is I still owe it to my wife to be honest with who I am and then I have to still express my love and devotion to her and our son. My son seems ok with my ways and he accepts me for who I am. I told him I will always be there for him and he can talk to me about anything. I know it is a tough age being a teenager so I have to be very supportive to him.
My therapist has discussed that I need to have a heart to heart talk with my wife and be totally honest with her and I realize this and I have to find the right time. I suspect my wife already knows which is the irony in all of this but it is not official until I come out and tell her that I am transgendered and am working towards finding myself and I believe in my mind, my heart and my soul that I am a woman and I have to do the things that will help me achieve that. I feel once I can do this I will no longer be a prisoner in my mind. I have been urged to do this with someone on this forum who seems to care about me and i am very appreciative about that.
I will have to be totally honest with myself from this day forward!
I love my wife and son and I will always love them. I also need to find myself and be true to who I am.
emmi