Time for confrontation

[TeresaL]

A child of the late 40's and cross-dressing from least 1957 (10 YRS OLD) it took until the late 1980's for me to reach the reality that this wasn't going away and that i really am a TV.

Frequency, thoroughness of dressing, and numerous times going out had escalated until one night, I finally broke down and outed to my SO. I was her ideal man until I made the proclamation that I am a CD. My surprise was that she had no idea.

She gave me a searing lecture, told me to throw the $h:t away, then called the pastor, our grown children, and our parents. Of course our relatives were appalled, grief-stricken, and embarrassed. The pastor set up multiple counseling sessions. I also was advised to seek out psychiatric treatment, and went through numerous clinics to rid myself of the sinful iniquity.

Many people were praying for me to be healed. Apparently it was not fruitful enough for the pastor I was in counsel with. I wasn't healing when he commanded God. So He gave up on me and told my SO that she ought have pity on my soul and apply for divorce because a cross-dressing mate is too graven of a person and unhealthy for a marriage.

She never did divorce me, but has held onto hope that I will one day be free. Purging has become the S.O.P every time I have a relapse. We even went to SA and went through the steps. Heck, one Psychiatrist offered to put me on testosterone. Numerous methods have been suggested for me to utilize in order to free me.

Not surprisingly, this became costly. We found out that my workplace supplied a free clinic with licensed therapists that worked on TG issues. To my wife's disappointment, she was told that TG is not a choice, that she might try accepting it. If not, then divorce is a viable course.

For whatever reason, I started self-medicating. Maybe it was the pressure. Nonetheless, there was comfort in HRT (although I never stayed on more than a few months). Except for fat distribution, I quit before any major developments occurred. That was five years ago.

Fast forward to the present:
It's May of 2012, and I am once more escalating. My wife is aware, lectured me, and another purge was made as a peace token. That's the last time I will purge though. It's time for us to be in confrontation and negotiating just what our future holds.

Downside is that she just told me that she has been saving for divorce all these years just in case this reared its head again. I like my comfort zone and don't like loosing everything. Comfort in everything except being who I want to be that is.

[Ressie]

Like I said in another recent thread, times have changed. Sounds like a strict church, but they aren't all like that now days. I know that it's depressing having a wife threaten divorce too. And it's too bad that you probably should have kept it a secret. Maybe you need to take a vacation to sort things out in your mind.

[Debra Russell]

Sounds Toxic---time to go, Ruuuunnnnnnn..........................Debra

[ReineD]

I did the math ... you're 65 now and retiring or newly retired?

I'm wondering if the removal of one of the barriers to the crossdressing (having to show up at work as a guy is one of them) is contributing to the escalation. Sometimes, men of your generation escalate when their wives pass on, or when there is a divorce (not necessarily due to the CDing), or when their children are well established in their adult lives. The reasons to "suit up and show up'" as a man are removed and the CDer is left with a suppressed, unexpressed need to express femininity.

We understand a great deal more about gender non-conformity today than just even 25 years ago, and there are some churches that embrace gender and sexual variance now. I hope that your wife will see her way to stop looking at this as an aberration. She stood by you all these years despite the pastor's counsel. You could ask her to become a member here. She will need to establish her own account. We have a support forum (FAB) just for wives and girlfriends of CDers. You'll find the details on the forum Index page.

:hugs:

[RADER]

Treasa;
I too am a product of the late 40's; I bet we are very close age wise.
Sounds like you have been Married for a long time, And you wife wants a Divorce
this late in life. Does she have any feelings for you after XX years of marriage and kids.
I wonder if she can save all the money she wants, half of it belongs to you.
If she does walk out, get a lawyer fast.
But try to save your marriage by sitting down with her and explain that the dressing does
not mean your Gay, You just like to wear female clothes.
And do not purge, pack things up and put them away, like an attic or basement,
Best of luck.
Rader

[TeresaL]

I did the math ... you're 65 now and retiring or newly retired?
--------
Yes, good math work. :-)

I turn 65 in August and have been retired for 13 months. My relapse occurred around 4 weeks ago.

I'm home alone during her working hours. So I have the opportunity to express and work around the house most of the day, then shut it down before she gets home. This suits me fine. I've reverted to DADT at this point.
---------
I'm wondering if the removal of one of the barriers to the crossdressing (having to show up at work as a guy is one of them) is contributing to the escalation. Sometimes, men of your generation escalate when their wives pass on, or when there is a divorce (not necessarily due to the CDing), or when their children are well established in their adult lives. The reasons to "suit up and show up'" as a man are removed and the CDer is left with a suppressed, unexpressed need to express femininity.
----------
Good synopsis, I'm not sure though. Work never affected me like the pressure from home did. I did run away once (took an afternoon off) and stayed in a hotel overnight just for the freedom to express, if only for that evening. Really hated going home.
-----------
We understand a great deal more about gender non-conformity today than just even 25 years ago, and there are some churches that embrace gender and sexual variance now.
----------
That's true. Although we just haven't been to church for a while. .
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I hope that your wife will see her way to stop looking at this as an aberration.
----------
Me too!
Wow, she really sees this as a multitude of the worst aberrations possible.
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She stood by you all these years despite the pastor's counsel. You could ask her to become a member here. She will need to establish her own account. We have a support forum (FAB) just for wives and girlfriends of CDers. You'll find the details on the forum Index page.
----------
That would be very helpful, but I will wait till tomorrow in respect of the holiday. LOL

Thanks for your time, suggestions, and support on this forum.

[Rebecca Star]

Hi Teresa I really feel for you and wish I could snap my fingers and make this all go away. I think the one question which you've touched on, which should be your primary motivation about anything done in life is...

Is this what I need (not confused with want) and does it make me happy?

Your wife was given the option to file for divorce but she didn't. Now she tells you she's been saving for this day if it ever came. Forgive my harshness but to me that's just emotional blackmail and frankly, I'm seeing this througout what you've written about previous issues brought to a head.

I wont deny it's a hard place your in right now, especially given you age. I wouldn't like to have to give up my creature comforts and forsake everything either. However, I think you need to be real with yourself and actually read the writing on the your wall. Ducking, weaving and generally side-stepping has got you to where you are now, unhappy, miserable and likely depressed too.

I know it maybe hard because by the sounds of things your SO wears the pants. But for your own sanity, it's time to take back some control in this relationship and I suppose if that means laying down your own rules, terms then that's what you must do, if you still want to cohabit in a married relationship with this lady.

As I've said, it's a big call, one I wouldn't like to have on my shoulders. But it's something that you need to address now...

[AnitaH]

I feel bad for you. It sounds as if you are left with no good choices. To save your marriage you have to masquerade as someone your not, to be yourself you lose your companion. Either way you lose something very important to yourself. I don't have any real suggestions that might help you but you do have my sympathy as well as that of many others here. Don't be afraid to let us know how it's going with you. The good people here will give you a listening ear and will try to be helpful and sympathetic.

AnitaH

[Cynthia Anne]

I gave this thread some serious thought on how to reply! I think Reine has a great idea for you! It seems as though everything else has failed for you so what better place then right here to help her understand that this is part of you and it's not going away! Hugs!

[TeresaL]

Hi Rader. Yes we've been married almost forty years. We've had that talk many times, and she knows I'm not gay. She, however, is the sum product of a strong will. In fact, she scares the crap out of me. LOL. Not just me, but big construction men that were remodeling our house. Heheh

I won't purge this time, and we will have another talk. If good, then my hopes are for her to join this forum (FAB) for support from the GG members. We need help.

[TxKimberly]

I have to admit that the one thing that really stands out to me is that after you bared your soul to her, and told her your deepest and darkest secret, she responded by telling your children, your parents, and your church? More than anything, this betrayal of your trust and love just astounds me. I can understand a wife that can't or wont cope with it, but I have trouble with the idea of a wife who put your privacy dead last on her list of important things. More than anything else you have said, this would have sent up red flags of warning to me.
I wish I knew how to help, or good advice to offer, but I'm afraid that I am at a loss, and so I will have to settle for just wishing the best of luck.

:hugs:

[Rebecca Star]

I have to admit that the one thing that really stands out to me is that after you bared your soul to her, and told her your deepest and darkest secret, she responded by telling your children, your parents, and your church? More than anything, this betrayal of your trust and love just astounds me. I can understand a wife that can't or wont cope with it, but I have trouble with the idea of a wife who put your privacy dead last on her list of important things. More than anything else you have said, this would have sent up red flags of warning to me.

You and me both Kimberly. I was actually flabbergasted for a while after reading that information; generally I'm not a person who is lost for words.

[TeresaL]

Thank you Anita. I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm at the end of my rope and near my breaking point. I really can't continue like this.

This site offers support that I have not seen on any other, and just at the right time.

[natacsha]

I don't think a divorce would benefit either of you at this point. Lonliness can lead to lost years of life. Little white lies may be beneficial even though it goes against my own grain. You both deserve to live out your lives happily. She hasnt gone anywhere yet even though she probably thinks you never fully gave it up. I could be wrong but its just a thought. unless i missed something and you want out. All the same, I wish you the best :bighug:

[JenniferR771]

Sounds familiar. My wife hates my cding. And she dominates the house. Although...today was a good day. Very slow progress.

Be sure to shop around for a more liberal church...pastor with an open mind. For instance one of our more liberal churches has about 30 percent gay membership, and the transgender support group met in the basement every month.

Be sure to read a few pages on how homosexuality probably happens before birth. Such as books by renowned Stanford University professor researcher, Dr. Simon Lavey.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simon_LeVay
It is not a choice, its biology most likely. Crossdressing is probably a result of similar happenings before birth.

[MandyGG]

Wow. To say that I am floored is an understatement! I am so sorry for the turmoil that you are enduring.

It is stories like this that send fear into the hearts of CD's that have not come out to their SO's, and that makes me very sad.

I can say that I didn't support this for a while. I admit that I was angry, but I would have never outed him to anyone like that! (I did tell my best friend, just to have someone to talk to, and it never changed her thoughts on how amazing he is!) I came around to accepting because of information that I acquired on my own through this forum. Maybe she will have the same outcome if you express to her that you would like for her to join us. We will welcome her with open arms.

[sterling12]

Ah my Friend, I believe you have a conundrum! Evangelical Fundamentalists and TG, do not go together! My best suggestion is find yourself a new church. One without The Stiff Backs! If your wife can accept A Church where they don't care about such things as being transgendered, ya' got a chance. There are lots of them out there, but beware. If you join a church like that, you might even find out about genuine Christian love. You might even find out what early Christians and your savior were actually talking about. A simple idea, but a useful one. If we are made in God's Image, and you were probably born TG, then how could God hate you?

If The Divorce comes, (and it certainly might) then you will have an opportunity to explore your TRUE Relationship with God. I have known a number of T-Gals who ended up with vengeful spouses due to Fundamentalist Interference. It always ends badly!

I'm sorry for your pain. It is pointless, and cruel. My best wish for you, is that you find "A Better Road to travel." Life is everchanging, you can do this at 65, or 75, or 85. There is hope, there is a future!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Barbara Ella]

Hi teresa, from another 65 year old crossdresser. I did not start early, just this last September. I retired early over 5 years ago, so dont know if this contributed or not. You say you have not been to church in some time, I think this is good as I feel your wife was severely indoctrinated by your pastor at that time, and this is most likely the reason she outed you, to drive out the sin in you. If she is still religious, as recommended, search for a more accepting church for you all to begin attending again, this may begin to help. She is in need of some education that reflects more current theology. begin to broach the subject that your dressing is not considered a sin by all, and it in no way affects your role as a man in your relationship.

Like you I am long time married, 41 years. My wife accepts my dressing from the intellectual aspect and has no trouble knowing I dress. My wife cannot handle the mental ideas of a future that includes losing her man. She worried continually about me becoming a woman 24/7, and even transitioning, and she cannot accept this, and my reassurances to the contrary cannot get through her emotional stress. It is this emotional baggage that has us getting all our possessions up to date, the house repaired, and ready for sale at any time. She will not divorce me, but she will not live with a 24/7 woman. So there are legitimate emotional fears that can drive her to have a divorce fund, although a fund for simply dressing is excessive. Get her to come clean about why she needs it, and feel her out about fears of you becoming a woman, or has she even gotten enough education about crossdressing, transgenderism, and transsexual needs? Education is key.

If she is this adamant about not letting you dress, you are at a crossroads where she needs to understand internal peace and happiness, and she needs to be truthful about what gives her internal peace and happiness. In my opinion, if the mere fact of you dressing in panties or hose is high enough in her value system to upset her happiness cart, there are some severe problems with her value system, and you need to know that as you make your decision. Just dressing, in private, not imposing on her daily activities, should be a concern, but not a deal breaker.

Just my opinions, and my situation is not perfect as my wife is in a DADT mode, but wants me to dress, just not where she can see, and not to be talked about. With time I think she will begin to lose her mental worries, and time will tell.

I wish you the best with your situation. It will be difficult, but open honest communications can help. She really needs to talk honestly with you.

Barabara

[Stephanie47]

Another 65er chiming in here! I've been retired four plus years. Married 40+. I first dressed at 15. I went through the self loathing; the self hatred; the disgust; blah; blah blah.... My wife still works. I get to be en femme five days a week for seven hours a day. I enjoy the serenity it brings. I am who I am. I live in a DADT relationship. My wife does not want to participate-fine. I would not be comfortable anyway. Occasionally, I have gone out en femme. The world has not come to an end.

You do NOT need to subject yourself to all that religious psycho-babble. Your wife is more concerned with her status in the community, playing the poor victim, rather than discussing it with you. She is trying to destroy you. The nation has more pressing things to pray for than your cross dressing. I would rather be divorced than live under the reign of religious intolerance your wife and relatives have thrown at you. You will never be seen the same in the eyes of ANY of those close minded individuals. If you do not fit into the mold she has crafted for you, you'll be tossed aside. If she has been savings for a divorce, then she already cast her die with the devil.

[Tina B.]

Theresa, I'm another of the born in the forties crowd, and while I was lucky finding a very liberal woman to fall in love with that accepted me as I am. I also know a lot of people our age, and know that most of the ones I know, would not be very accepting, and would not even try to understand, you've worked on it for this long, so there is nothing I could add to what you've already done, but you do have my sympathy for your problem, I'm not sure how you find your way out of that place, I hope you can talk her into joining us here, she might discover we are not bad people, and there are some great GG's here that could help her with someone to ask questions of, that guys just can't answer (like how do other women deal with it.) Good luck Sister!
Tina B.

[meganmartin]

Teresa,

I have no great words of wisdom but read your post and your pain strikes out in every word.
Do wish you the very best..

[TeresaL]

Thanks, I am formulating a short term plan. But first of all, there are several comments regarding the positive input from GG Community here, and how they deal with it. That is on my short list for her to approach.

I do want to talk with her and negotiate a clean shaven face. Yes, I will probably end up doing it anyway. Beyond that, I'm ok with DADT. I also want to reassure her that I won't go out in my hometown. Back in the day, I did, but I was able to pass when I was younger. (At least I have some good memories).

Somehow, it needs to be reinforced that I can act as a man, husband, and father. She does not want a lesbian relationship.

About the divorce fund...
"Get her to come clean about why she needs it, and feel her out about fears of you becoming a woman, or has she even gotten enough education about crossdressing, transgenderism, and transsexual needs? Education is key.". Barbara, that is so very true, but she spent her fund on furniture for our new sunroom. Maybe this her smokescreen, a grabbing for straws, and bringing up anything to combat her fears.

Barbara, it looks like you are closer to being in my situation than a lot of CDs who have no restrictions. Maybe it is better that way because untethered, I might go to the deep end. That's one of her fears.

I'm still counting my blessings. I've got five days at seven hours per day to express. My SO is several years away from SS, and must work for us to survive. All my medical is paid, and I'm drawing compensation from multiple sources. so we are living just as comfortable as before my retirement. She may retire in two years though. That will be another hurdle and the solutions better be in place by that time.

[Allsteamedup]

This is not a confrontation but rather an explanation.

What do you have to offer your wife as a dressed-more cder or possibly a self-medicating transitioner? Once you have a clear picture in your own mind you will be able to discuss this with your wife.

If you expect her to lose the husband she has known all these years and have him replaced with a 24/7 cder or TS, divorce may be the only way she can find a happy and stable heterosexual relationship. She does not offer divorce as a threat but a solution!

Of course, you would prefer her to stay but the choice is hers as to what kind of a future you have together. You need to plan what you will say and look at it from her perspective as well as your own.

[Stephanie47]

Teresa, I really have to ask. What do you have left? To me it seems your wife has used what I call the 'nuclear weapon.' She possessed the secret of your cross dressing desires. She did not threaten you with exposure in order to reach her goals. She just went out a blew you out of the water. I'd venture to say, if you were not retired, she would have called up you boss and outed you or went to the office and made a scene. I can guarantee your friends and relatives and the church will never see YOU for who you are, the total man. You are now the sinful cross dresser. She is the victimized wife. She can sit on the pity pot. I may seem harsh, but, I truly cannot understand how a loving wife can out a husband to the entire world. That exhibits to me absolutely no love.

The only positive aspect of her outing you is the fact she has prematurely used her 'nuclear weapon.' Since you have been outed to your entire world, what further consequences are there. At least you will not have to 'buy' her silence when she decides to terminate the marriage. At least you should get an equitable division of the community assets. You may want to consult an attorney because I suspect your wife is one step ahead of you.

[ReineD]

I'm still counting my blessings. I've got five days at seven hours per day to express. My SO is several years away from SS, and must work for us to survive. All my medical is paid, and I'm drawing compensation from multiple sources. so we are living just as comfortable as before my retirement. She may retire in two years though. That will be another hurdle and the solutions better be in place by that time.

I'm glad that things aren't quite as bad as I took them in your OP. :) You have a few years to prepare your wife, the sooner the better. A place to start might be to read the following link, also look online for resources you might want your wife to read, in addition to suggesting she join this site:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner


A mistake that many CDers make IMO (even younger couples today despite having the internet as a resource), is to go along with their wives for many years, "agreeing" there is something wrong with them, promising they will stop, purging, or going underground, etc. I know it was difficult in your case all these years ago to tell your wife and the pastor there was nothing wrong with you, and NOT agree to attend the clinics, in short to stand your ground, but please understand that your willingness to go along with them did nothing but reinforce the idea in your wife's mind that the CDing is wrong. So now there are 30+odd years of thinking a certain way that your wife must battle in order to change her mind about this, and it won't be easy.

Barbara Ella mentioned above: education is key. I hope that you will find a way to talk to your wife about this, and that she will also be able to listen.

[TeresaL]

I'm so glad to have found crossdressers.com.
First, while the outing was nasty, the positive side is, that I'm out. No need to tell anyone else, ever. Yipee!
...and that was settled over fifteen years ago before Jerry Leanch was on his throne.
Secondly, it really doesn't matter whether my SO accepts me being transgendered, because it's a given.
Thirdly, I'm home alone over eight hours a day and unsupervised. I can and do crossdress, mow the lawn, go four wheeling, fish, and drink coffee or beer in the afternoon. I'm free.

Pure and simple...
Our wives do not have to share crossdressing with us

[TeresaL]

Reine, you posted the same time as I did. Holy Moly, what you said. Of course she thinks CDing is wrong. It's reinforced in me as well. The problem is within me and my attitude towards crossdressing. I was in denial until my thirties even though I frequently indulged. I have also frequently harbored the thought that I can quit, with just the right help.

Then, the links you sent led to an article, "Helping Wives," On Gender Tree, which shook me to the core. My head is swimming while I'm trying to grasp this and how it may be applied to our lives. Our marriage would be so much better if both of us were brought up to reality. In our mind, I am giving in to it again. In reality, this is not going away and we are wasting our time and ruining our health fighting it.