How do you eliminate guilt and shame associated with being transgender?

[emmicd]

I have identified as M-F transgender for as long as I can remember and I have always felt guilt and shame. This is a barrier we all most likely face and I believe if we could eliminate the guilt and shame associated with it we would feel so much better and we would feel less conflicted. I recently read Tom Gabel's story about the lead singer from the punk rock group Against Me! who has announced he will start his transition to become a female and he also mentioned that he felt shame and guilt as a transgender.

I wonder how do you eliminate these feelings so it is more esier to adjust and accept who you are and not carry such shame and guilt. I believe transgendered individuals are so misunderstood and they truly have a very real and identifiable medical condition that will never go away. So it is much better to find acceptance and tolerance so we don't have to live a life full of guilt and shame. That is not fair for us who are transgendered.

What are your opinions on this?

emmi

[celeste26]

Check out Brene Brown on the TED talks (on the internet)she talks specifically about shame and guilt.
she has a couple of books out called "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are." and "I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power"

She is a Social work Phd and she does seminars about dealing with shame. While her work does not specifically mention TG issues the shame and guilt are universal. Just remember that you are a valuable member of society and should be honored instead of shamed. Society needs our perspectives and our shying away from full expression cuts society out of receiving it.

Please contact me to find out more.

[Kristy_K]

Accepting yourself for who you are and being proud of who you are will get rid of the guilt and shame.

[Beth Wilde]

Accepting yourself for who you are and being proud of who you are will get rid of the guilt and shame.

Kristy is absolutely right. You are doing nothing wrong, so have nothing to feel guilty about. Only when you accept yourself for who you are can you be rid of guilt. Being Transgendered is neither your fault nor your choice so you have nothing to feel ashamed of either.

I know it is much easier to type this than to feel it, but you are who you are. Just be the best person you can and ignore the petty and outdated views of the bigots (they have MUCH more to feel guilty and ashamed about than you do)!

[Jonianne]

If the guilt and shame comes from a religious background, it really is hard to shake, especially if you were someone who was very commited to that faith. It took me nearly 8 years in individual first and then group therapy to get to the point for me to learn that no one was making me feel bad about myself, "I" was the one who was making me feel bad about myself, no one else was. The moment that finally dawned in my heart, the depression, with the shame and guilt, left and never returned.

Getting there, however, took years of learning how to let in others love and acceptance, learning how to stand up for myself and ultimatly standing up to the concept of who I thought God was. It was like, OK God, I am who I am and if that means you are going to send me to hell for it, then so be it. I had gotten to the point of literaly hearing voices and knowing that God was going to send me to hell within a day if I didn't repent.

Well after this happened numerous times, it finally dawned on me, (like the charater in the movie "A Beautiful Mind" realized the people he was seeing wasn't real, because they never grew older), it finally dawned on me that those voices and thoughts of God I was hearing wasn't real because the threats never materialized.
God wasn't the one telling me those things. It was my own mind that was telling me those things.

I am so thankful for my therapists and the ones in my group who constantly reached out to me and were the conduit of God's true love and it didn't matter if I was TG or not. By letting in the love they showed and facing my fears was how I was able to get past the shame and guilt.

[Ana5551]

For me, it was realizing that even though I was born different than most people, I was still okay. Once I accepted who I am and learned to love myself as an individual, I began to move forward. With self acceptance came greater self confidence and the ability to shrug off the labels other people placed upon me and ignore those that tried to be hurtful. I honestly believe the key is accepting who you are and learning to love the person you see in the mirror. Also, Brene brown is awesome! I love her talks!

[suzy1]

Who told you it was wrong?
Point them out to me as I would like to see the people that are so superior that they can judge you or me.

You only feel guilt and shame because they are telling you its wrong and you believe them.
[I hope religion is not behind it emmi]

You are you so enjoy it.
I have never ever felt guilt because there is no reason to! Simple.

SUZY

[Inna]

for as long as you see your self as inadequate, often reminded by others, feeling of guilt shall persist, only when in your minds eye, image of who you are becomes true and whole, guilt will dissipate

In other words guilt is your perception of responsibility to others, where, serenity is being you, despite others!

[Jorja]

You need to accept who and what you are. Be free to be yourself.

[Kerigirl2009]

I would suggest that you first learn to completely accept yourself as transgendered. I am also working on this at this very moment. no one should be able to tell us how we should feel, you know how you feel but now you have to learn to express it in a way that you are comfortable and not worried about what someone else is going to think. Good luck

[Dawn cd]

Guilt and shame have slightly different dynamics. Guilt is associated with breaking rules—either the law, or God's law, or perhaps an understanding you worked out with your SO. To a certain extent we can negotiate our way around guilt by reaching a new understanding with the rule-maker. Have a talk with your SO. Or, in the case of God, develop a more nuanced view of the Divinity as a loving figure who truly wants you to be authentic. No longer the stern-taskmaster, God then becomes a friend and guilt dissipates.

Shame is more complicated because it has a wider social context. It is founded on our place in society and our perception (whether accurate or not) of other people's opinion of us. It's not a matter of right or wrong but is linked to esteem. There's a normal human tendency to value ourselves as others value us, particularly those others with whom we have close emotional bonds (e.g., family, friends, colleagues). Of course we can build a wall against these people, but we do so at the risk of walling ourselves off from emotional contacts, and, like it or not, our health requires the presence of others. So, what to do? There are a variety of strategies for overcoming shame. The most radical solution is to walk away from the world where we feel shamed and construct a new world of "family" and friends. This path requires a very strong ego and may leave some scars on gentler souls. Second, we can sharpen or correct our perceptions of other people. Perhaps they never held us in low esteem to begin with; perhaps that perception was entirely in our mind. Third, we can develop some emotional calluses against other people's views. We don't walk away, but we give less weight to their opinions. In other words, we grow up! This last path is tricky and will always be a balancing act, because we need to maintain compassion for others and their frailty, yet we can't leave our self-esteem in their hands. In the end we will always be vulnerable; to be invulnerable is to be inhuman. Still, this is the path to adulthood.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

shame is brutal... our feelings of being a "wrong" person are devastating
...crossdressers don't feel this nearly as much (if at all)...surely there are folks that feel ashamed of what they do (dressing)..this is a bad feeling..but then they fall back on being a man..and they can find fulfilling lives as guys despite their feelings.

not for us..transsexual shame is about what you are.. its not at all about what you do... what you do doesn't really matter..ignore it, fight it, "give in", transition, dont transition...no impact..
....you feel as if there is something wrong with you...something that makes you less of a person than "others"...most certainly a significant number of people in the world not only see us as inferior, they seem to revel in pointing it out...
...if you feel this shame you know what i am saying..

even tho feeling the shame is independent of what you do...recovering from it can be impacted by what you do...

One constructive thought is that you are making a life for yourself despite these crippling feelings...you may be torn up in side, but you are getting it done in your life...you work , you provide, you take care of your kids...against the odds...
you have sucked it up for the betterment of others...you won't get any credit for it, and yes you have brought people into your life that may feel deceived, but I have no doubt of your good intentions and your inherent value as a person to your loved ones
this is hard to see when you are ashamed of you...it doesn't matter what you do, or how well you do it..because you are ashamed to simply be...

bottom line tho, you cannot go back...revisiting moments will only bring the shame to your conscious mind...as long as you are ashamed to be, everything you've done is seen through this lens...

the only answer is to attack it day by day...look forward only... allow the ups and downs to happen, you can't stop them... allow yourself to feel the good days, i am sure you already feeling the bad ones... allow yourself the feeling that this could work out in the end , even if you don't see how...and when you have really bad days, look forward to the next day, which may be better...this is all you can do...

[docrobbysherry]

I have this feeling, Emmi. I just can't shake an inner voice that keeps telling me it's a perversion and just plain WRONG!

Kristy is absolutely right. You are doing nothing wrong, so have nothing to feel guilty about. Only when you accept yourself for who you are can you be rid of guilt. Being Transgendered is neither your fault nor your choice so you have nothing to feel ashamed of either.
I know it is much easier to type this than to feel it, but you are who you are. Just be the best person you can and ignore the petty and outdated views of the bigots (they have MUCH more to feel guilty and ashamed about than you do)!
This is such good advice, Beth. And, folks have been telling me that for over 4 years since I first arrived here!


If the guilt and shame comes from a religious background, it really is hard to shake, especially if you were someone who was very commited to that faith. It took me nearly 8 years in individual first and then group therapy to get to the point for me to learn that no one was making me feel bad about myself, "I" was the one who was making me feel bad about myself, no one else was. The moment that finally dawned in my heart, the depression, with the shame and guilt, left and never returned.

Getting there, however, took years of learning how to let in others love and acceptance, learning how to stand up for myself and ultimatly standing up to the concept of who I thought God was. It was like, OK God, I am who I am and if that means you are going to send me to hell for it, then so be it. I had gotten to the point of literaly hearing voices and knowing that God was going to send me to hell within a day if I didn't repent.

Well after this happened numerous times, it finally dawned on me, (like the charater in the movie "A Beautiful Mind" realized the people he was seeing wasn't real, because they never grew older), it finally dawned on me that those voices and thoughts of God I was hearing wasn't real because the threats never materialized.
God wasn't the one telling me those things. It was my own mind that was telling me those things.

I am so thankful for my therapists and the ones in my group who constantly reached out to me and were the conduit of God's true love and it didn't matter if I was TG or not. By letting in the love they showed and facing my fears was how I was able to get past the shame and guilt.
Maybe for u, Joni, but NOT for me! Neither I nor my parents r religious people. The only thing I have in common with religious folks and my dressing is: With religion, u can't just make yourself believe by wanting to. And, I can't make myself not feel shame simply because I want to!


for as long as you see your self as inadequate, often reminded by others, feeling of guilt shall persist, only when in your minds eye, image of who you are becomes true and whole, guilt will dissipate

In other words guilt is your perception of responsibility to others, where, serenity is being you, despite others!
Again, may be tru for u, but not ME, Inna. I've been pretty much successful at everything I've tried since age 15, I'm now 60+. I know who and what I am. And, dressing makes me feel like a pervert!

Emmi, the one thing that seems to be helping me get over this "pervert" feeling is meeting other CD/TG/TSs! While dressing alone in a vacuum for 10+ years, I assumed anyone doing what I was must be creepy and slimy! Now, after meeting so many online and in person, I've come to see that most by far, r not only not creepy, they're really good people! That has helped me a lot!

[Lesley_Roberta]

In as much as I AM having trouble sorting out WHO I am, I must say there is zero 'guilt' and zero 'shame'. But I need to confess, religion is unwelcome in my life, so that cliche source simply has no power over me. But it isn't just religion of course, even if it might be sort of the core origins in so many of us. Culture can be a real pain.

For those interested, I was born into Anglican, was an active alter boy, even felt like being a minister at one time, but wandered out of that in my 20s and in my early 40s become a Mormon for a few years enough that I am (according to them) an Aaronic priest (even baptised my wife). Then one day my science background got pissed off at religion and dragged me out of it. So it is not like I have no religious background.

Anyone though, taking a swing at me face to face implying anything of who and what I am is in any way a source of guilt or shame has put their life in danger. Leslie will almost certainly take over and get very nasty on them.

My mother said she loved me regardless. Nothing else matters as a result.

[Inna]

I have this feeling, Emmi. I just can't shake an inner voice that keeps telling me it's a perversion and just plain WRONG!

This is such good advice, Beth. And, folks have been telling me that for over 4 years since I first arrived here!


Maybe for u, Joni, but NOT for me! Neither I nor my parents r religious people. The only thing I have in common with religious folks and my dressing is: With religion, u can't just make yourself believe by wanting to. And, I can't make myself not feel shame simply because I want to!


Again, may be tru for u, but not ME, Inna. I've been pretty much successful at everything I've tried since age 15, I'm now 60+. I know who and what I am. And, dressing makes me feel like a pervert!

Emmi, the one thing that seems to be helping me get over this "pervert" feeling is meeting other CD/TG/TSs! While dressing alone in a vacuum for 10+ years, I assumed anyone doing what I was must be creepy and slimy! Now, after meeting so many online and in person, I've come to see that most by far, r not only not creepy, they're really good people! That has helped me a lot!

LOL, you just emphasized my point, not that it helps at all, but our successes and conquests don't necessarily make for understanding of self and more then often such turmoil within drives us to clime higher plateau in order to escape self!

[emmicd]

All I can say to all you wonderful girls here is that you bring tears to my eyes and make me feel better with your kindness, understanding and insight.
I will share a post i did on my hubpage on dealing with my situation.

Here it is:

http://ediann.hubpages.com/hub/Accepting-the-real-me

Thank you to all of you! You touch me profoundly! I truly appreciate it!

I am proud to be among you and I should rid myself of this guilt and shame I have felt for way too long!

emmi

[Rianna Humble]

Several people have mentioned self-acceptance and IMNSHO, that truly is the key. For decades, I thought there was something wrong with me, I lived in fear that my "guilty" secret would come out to my shame, but it didn't get better only worse.

Then I tried to shame myself out of what I have always known by dressing in public - but I found peace instead of shame.

After this, I started to understand that who I am is not shameful and I learned to accept my true self for who I am. In doing this, I learned to start replacing the shame and assumed guilt with contentment.

I am not perfect, but who I am is no cause for guilt or shame.

[Kaz]

Accept, embrace and enjoy... and move on. Some will come with you and some won't... that is there problem. We are all at different points of our own unique journeys and the destinations are not all the same. So accept the journey you are on, even though you may not know where it is leading, look, listen, experience and share, and keep growing into the person you need to be!

[Jonianne]

.....Maybe for u, Joni, but NOT for me! Neither I nor my parents r religious people......

......Emmi, the one thing that seems to be helping me get over this "pervert" feeling is meeting other CD/TG/TSs! While dressing alone in a vacuum for 10+ years, I assumed anyone doing what I was must be creepy and slimy! Now, after meeting so many online and in person, I've come to see that most by far, r not only not creepy, they're really good people! That has helped me a lot!

There you go, Doc! That is the key. It doesnt matter whether you are religious or not, it's the getting to know others and letting in the love, caring and acceptance of other people if you can't find it in yourself at first.

Also like you said, getting to know others who are like you and finding out that that they are just normal average people just like you and not some crazy, creepy people, then you start to realize you are really OK. Desegration and getting out of our closed and fenced in walls is the most wonderful thing, not only for us but for other shuned parts of society.

[Siobhan Marie]

I've never been ashamed of who I am. I certainly don't hide who I am. I am who I am and I am on a journey to be the real me. My way of thinking is that this who I am, this is who I need to be. If you don't like it then go away and leave me alone.

[Tara D. Rose]

I'm with you on these feelings Sherry, for so long for most of my life I felt guilty and shameful and I kept it all to myself. All through junior high and high school. I got picked on tremendously by bullies. Back then I used to wonder why I was always singled out to be picked on and attacked where I had to physically fight so hard. I was always so different. I wondered every night when I went to bed. What was it about me that seemed to trigger all of these attacks and other forms of bullying, I pondered and wondered all of my life. And later on as I was trying to fall to sleep, I would feel guilty about what I was, I just never did seem to mix with the guys around me. I had compassion for others, I felt heartfelt sympathy for any victim of bullying. I still cry at stories on TV where a young child gets bullied or for anyone getting picked on for being somewhat out of the norm of most. I really never fit in. Girlfriends came and went so fast, always leaving me for another. I wondered why? I studied the guys that my GF's left me for. I pondered????, well they are bigger, a little more muscular, hocking loogies, and spitting egg size splatters on the walk, grabbing their crotches with every conversation, it seemed like 50% of thier vocabulary was profanity and 40% being vulgar sex talk, and the other 10% was talking about something they didn't even understand themselves. Bragging about the people they beat up the day before, all the while I would go to school with bloody stripes all over my back and legs from the daily beatings by my father. I wondered,? why me? What is wrong with me? I wondered, what is wrong with me?
The guilt and shame I suffered, for I knew very little about who and what I was. Many years pass, then out of extreme guilt, I purge hundreds of $$ worth of female stuff. I couldn't live with myself anymore like this. I had no answers, was I a freak, or a pervert or both, I wondred? As years go by, we find the internet and this CD site. And I, as well as thousands of others similar to me, find something like almost a paradise of information, that showed and or taught so many people a lot like me that we are not alone, we are not freaks (though some still consider us as such), that we a TG. DAMN, I wish I could have known this so many years ago. But now as I am older, I have been down so many painful roads, so much death, so much pain, so many broken hearts, so much searching within, and of all the CD girls I have met, I now at long last realize, that this was what I have always been. Not a freak, or child molester, not weak by a long shot, and that of all those memories when I was a young child with the towel wrapped around me after a bath, pretending that I was my beautiful Aunt Fay, so many times, and pretending that I was all of my elementary school teachers, wearing my sister's clothes, and being so young and unknowing and living in constant fear of my mean father, the beatings and all the blood, and of the bullying in school by the so called tough guys, I asked so many times, LORD, why am I a freak? Why do I feel this way? Why do I not fit in with the other fellows?
I now know the answers to a lot of those school age problems. I now know why all of my girlfreinds left me for tougher guys. I could get women at the snap of my fingers, for I could feel thier pain and feel their triumphs and desires. I held them the way I knew thay needed to be held, I spoke the words I knew they needed to hear, I courted them and touched them in the ways I knew a woman needed and yearned for. I connected with thier feelings that ran through thier female veins as my blood ran through mine. I could relate to almost any girls feelings, and they loved me, as I did them, but they seemed to leave after a while. Then later they would want me again, but I would turn away from them. But now I know with all certainty, why it was like this. For I related to them and thier female feelings oh so well, for it was my female side that I had not realized or connected with. I seemed to always have the right words of comfort for all the girls in my life that were feeling down. I had the gift of gab as they say, but why?? For at that time ,I didn't know I was one of them. When I made love to them, I could feel the emotions coming from each of them. Each of them was so different from the other. I could connect with each one so deeply and individually. I'm still friends with them whenever I may see any of them, there is always an unspoken connection even in light passing with just my eye contact and my sexy voice, backed with all of the learnings of life and who and what I am, that has , or had puzzled me for a life time. I rememeber for a few years back in my high school days, like a young dumb and full of ***. I spoke from my talents at that time, I embarrasingly say that I used to say this, and still have this talent(if it is a talent???), that I could talk the panties off of almost any woman within 20 minutes.
So to the OP, once we have lived through so many of the promised tribulations and lessons of life, we realize this is something we are born with, and that through our younger years we didin't realize this. We struggle with it for years, for we have no idea, we think we are perverted phyco freaks, and that we go to bed at night when we are 14 or 16 years old, and dwell into so many abnormal, or lack thereof, sexual fantasies, or that we need to troll city parks late at night,,, hogwash.
I have purged it all away a few years ago. It never left me, though I tried as hard as anyone could ever do. But now, and with my wife's encouragement so hard, I dove into the ocean of the cd life and swam out to where I am today.
The guilt is gone, I am who I am. I am what I am. It takes years to come to terms with this. I would throw it all away tomorrow,, if I could. I know I cannot do that. So here I am, I was made this way. I didn't choose it. I didn't choose my feelings, I didn't choose my desires,. And with so many cries and tears I have fought as hard as anyone could ever do to rid myself of these personalities that I am so conflicted with. I recall tonight of my suicide attempts. I remember all times I broke down with extreme shame and guilt. And of how I cried so hard for I prayed so hard that I could just be normal and fit in,, into to what our american society calls normalness.
At long last, I have come to terms that "This" is who I am. And with just some of this, I say to the OP, that I have relinquished all guilt that I lived with for so many , many years based on just living it for many decades in so much confusion. So you ask, how do you eliminate the shame? That is so difficult to answer for so many cd's are born with this and some CD's choose this. And so with that said, does the question apply to those born this way or to ones that merley choose this way? We need to separate the cd's that choose this opposed to the ones that were born with this, ,,,then we can ask, do we feel guilty??
So I ask, does this question apply to all GM's that have ever put on a pair of panties? Then we need to separate the religious from the athiests and then apply that question to a certain group. From what I have observed in life is that an athiest has no guilt for there is no foundation in their beleif and perfect definition or lack of any foundation to base any understandings by which they speak, for their views change with the wind, for there is no doctrine that they follow, good today but not the next. I find my dicipline by my Christian faith, and from that, I have found so much guilt.
L&R..........................Tara

[KellyJameson]

Tara's words may be the most eloquent expression of gender dysphoria I have ever read and the fact that you see so many similarities in peoples lives to her story make it impossible to believe that biology or natal environment is not a factor, gender dysphoria cannot be learned it just is.

For me I reached a point where I said F...It, F.. everybody. I was done with the shame, guilt,feeling broken,dirty,sick,freakish so I walked out on humanity.

I suppose in my own quiet way I reached a point where it was me or them, life or death and someone or something had to be sacrificed. I threw everything that has ever caused me shame back into their faces. I rejected everything and started from scratch questioning every idea, every rule, every belief reaching a point where I stood outside of all cultures, all influences, all religions, all governments. I learned to understand all of human history and pulled the curtain back to find the great Wizard was nothing but a fraud.

Shame is learned, I unlearned it.

Life is a hurricane and you can stand at it's edge and be part of its destruction or at it's center and watch it's destruction. The choice to stand in the center is made when you discover the value that your life holds for you. You than are detached from life in that others no longer can hurt you for being you but yet you still are able to love, the difference is you learn who is worthy of your love and who is not and you do not invite those into your life that cause you to be tempted to reject yourself.

[ReineD]

Emmi, if you're interested, here's a pretty good article about shame. You might consider, if you can, making it a priority to deal with your feelings of shame. This might help you get unstuck and you may discover that once you no longer feel shame, you will be able to let others around you know who you are.

http://www.forhealing.org/shame.html

Interestingly, shame comes from various sources, not only from others who would shame us. Some people genetically are predisposed to feeling excessive shame. Depression is another source of shame. It is not helpful to completely lay the blame on caretakers or society for feelings of shame, if there is excessive shame that is a part of one's biochemical make-up. This keeps people stuck and prevents them from taking the steps they need to take, as adults, to move beyond it.

Shame in itself is actually a useful feeling. It lets us know when we've made mistakes, so that we can fix them. Excessive shame, however, is debilitating. It can lead to paralysis (when we feel stuck as if there is no way out of our predicaments).

My SO also grew up feeling she could not disclose her trans tendencies/feelings to anyone else, but she did not feel shame. She just made up her mind at an early age that she understood things that her parents and others did not understand, and she resolved to live within the rules while she was dependent on her family, all the while finding ways of expressing herself when she could. If she was teased at school, she was apt to believe the people who teased her were idiots rather than internalize the shame.

The best way to move beyond the feelings of guilt and shame is to stop dwelling on the past, and look for concrete ways to move beyond them. And then act. The last paragraph of the linked article is particularly useful.

[Anna Lorree]

I have gotten to a point where I accept that I am Trans, the question now is what flavor of trans am I? There was a time when I was consumed with guilt and shame because of being Trans (I thought CD at the time). Now however, the shame is pretty much gone within my current circumstances. I do still carry guilt, not about being Trans, but rather how my being Trans affects those I love and who love me. My wife is having a lot of difficulty with me expressing myself in more feminine ways, and I carry at least some blame for this because I didn't tell her I was Trans until over a decade after we were married. I can't undo or fix that, we will either work through it or she will leave. I hope we are able to work through it and make our marriage survive. I am pretty sure she feels shame about me being Trans, which is an issue she will have to reconcile at some point.

Anna

[Stephenie S]

"How do I get over the guilt and shame?"

Oh Emmi, just DO it.

You know perfectly well there is nothing wrong with wearing women's clothes (your wife does it all the time, right?). You are breaking no law, neither man's nor God's. You KNOW this.

Now, how do you get over anything that's scary for the first time? You just have to do it. Scared to go sky diving? (I know I am). But the ONLY way to get over a fear of sky diving is to go sky diving. No amount of "thinking" about it will help. You just have to DO it. You just have to put on your big girl panties and DO it.

It's just the same for going out. You just have to do it.

Listen, I have told you time and time again that NO one really gives much a a rat's patootie what you wear. That's true, hon. Really. Honest. It's true. Your wife will care.Your Pastor might have a fit. Your kid might care. Your parents might care. But others? Those you see and interact with out and about? Nope. They just don't care. If you present as a dignified and proper middle aged lady, you will receive the same respect as a dignified and proper middle aged man.

Now, if you want to go all sl*tty and pretend you are a teenager, you will receive just about the same respect that a teenager gets. Teenager don't get no respect, and if you dress that way, you won't either. But you are not a teenager and you never will be, so give up that fantasy and go shopping from the LL Bean catalog or the Land's End Catalog. Dress nice. Get you hair done nice (It don't matter how short or long your hair is, just get a good flattering style). Leave the high heels at home. Get a nice dignified bag for all your stuff, and get OUT there.

Will you be freaked the first time? Yup. But you are gonna be freaked the first time you jump out of that airplane. You still have to just DO it. Stop thinking about it. Stop worrying about it. For goodness sake stop OBSESSING about it and just do it. Just wear the darn clothes Emmi, just wear the darn clothes.

Your friend Stephie

[Lesley_Roberta]

Ouch wall of text there Tara :) Ya need some paragraphs please.

I want to say, I would look at real woman dressed incorrectly the same way I would look at one of us dressed incorrectly.

I for instance constantly find myself screaming in my head 'pull your bloody pants up, do you REALLY think anyone likes looking at you like that? REALLY?' or 'who started this crap that your pants look sexy because they are full of holes?, no girl, you look like crap to me' when I see males or females dressed like that.

Yesterday I saw a woman clearly OLDER than me walk into the grocery store. Warm weather be damned. Lady you are simply too old for a top that is black nylon looking and near see through such that I can easily see precisely what your old fun bags look like. That top would be also be wrong here on a 20 something drop dead gorgeous young woman. But at least she could wear it somewhere.

I have seen very overweight girls dressed in clothes for women that were NOT over weight and I think, lady I am happy you don't mind being who you really are, but your wardrobe still needs more thinking.

It is ok to dress up, just remember, don't try so hard, that you make a mess of the effort. I'd love to wear a skirt. But I won't till I can do it right. And no skirt means no panties and no new shoes and nothing else. If I want the skirt I have to earn it. Currently that means get the tire off the waist. Do it Lesley, or no skirt for you. I will NOT be joining the anatomically real women out there that can't dress themselves properly just because I want that skirt regardless of whether it is the wrong outfit.

[Anna Lorree]

"How do I get over the guilt and shame?"

Oh Emmi, just DO it.

You know perfectly well there is nothing wrong with wearing women's clothes (your wife does it all the time, right?). You are breaking no law, neither man's nor God's. You KNOW this.

Now, how do you get over anything that's scary for the first time? You just have to do it. Scared to go sky diving? (I know I am). But the ONLY way to get over a fear of sky diving is to go sky diving. No amount of "thinking" about it will help. You just have to DO it. You just have to put on your big girl panties and DO it.

It's just the same for going out. You just have to do it.

Listen, I have told you time and time again that NO one really gives much a a rat's patootie what you wear. That's true, hon. Really. Honest. It's true. Your wife will care.Your Pastor might have a fit. Your kid might care. Your parents might care. But others? Those you see and interact with out and about? Nope. They just don't care. If you present as a dignified and proper middle aged lady, you will receive the same respect as a dignified and proper middle aged man.

Now, if you want to go all sl*tty and pretend you are a teenager, you will receive just about the same respect that a teenager gets. Teenager don't get no respect, and if you dress that way, you won't either. But you are not a teenager and you never will be, so give up that fantasy and go shopping from the LL Bean catalog or the Land's End Catalog. Dress nice. Get you hair done nice (It don't matter how short or long your hair is, just get a good flattering style). Leave the high heels at home. Get a nice dignified bag for all your stuff, and get OUT there.

Will you be freaked the first time? Yup. But you are gonna be freaked the first time you jump out of that airplane. You still have to just DO it. Stop thinking about it. Stop worrying about it. For goodness sake stop OBSESSING about it and just do it. Just wear the darn clothes Emmi, just wear the darn clothes.

Your friend Stephie

Having just gone through this for the first time last month, I can certainly attest to it being frightening. I got dressed, did my make-up, put on and styled my wig, and sat there. It took me like half an hour to walk out that door. After that, I went to Wal-Mart. A few people looked, most didn't seem to care. I bought a shade of nail polish, the young woman working the cash register commented to me how she liked the shade and thought it would be pretty on me. It was dark when I got back to my hotel, and a man's dog in his car started barking at me. He was right there and I am sure he knew it startled me. He apologized to me not as he would to a man, but as he would to a woman. I loved that when I realized the difference.

I have to admit that so far I tend to avoid interacting with men while I am dressed. I know I can't do that forever, if I ever want HRT the only provider in my area is a man. However, what I can say for sure is that the more often I go out to interact as a woman, the easier it gets to do it. I by no means claim to pass in any way, shape or form, but each time I do a little better. It still frightens me, but I find that I enjoy it as well.

Anna

[RachelOKC]

After that, I went to Wal-Mart.

Walmart. Everyone first goes to Walmart. I did.

Want to get over guilt and shame? Go to Walmart. You will feel and look more normal than 95% of the other people there. :)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Walmart. Everyone first goes to Walmart. I did.

Want to get over guilt and shame? Go to Walmart. You will feel and look more normal than 95% of the other people there. :)


Its ironic.....and i'm sorry to pull your comment out.......as long as we compare to others, we are gonna lose the battle...

i've seen the WOW (Women of walmart page)... my first reaction is to laugh and say omg... i have seen pictures that make my jaw drop!
The way i felt about those pics, the way they make you feel...well that reflects exactly what others feel about us..

The reality is that the 300 lb woman with 4 rolls of back cleavage poking through her bikini top is viewed as a better person than us...
The girl in the 7" miniskirt dressed like a ***** at a christening with 11 kids is viewed as a better person than us..
Being really poor, fat and unstylish is a socially and culturally acceptable place to be compared to being an "it"...

Most people would laugh more at our pictures and our homepages, they mock our heartache just as much or more than some of the really sad people that end up being mocked just for being ugly and going to walmart..

this inner knowledge is the root cause of our shame...it is pounded into us from our first realization that we are living a male life...

overcoming your own shame is a day by day thing... you can't just turn it off because every little decision (even deciding to kill your own shame) is subject to your own harshest judgements
...feeling better about yourself is totally about you...all your friends can support you or not...that does not impact whether you feel shame...in fact, your friends can embrace you and you may feel MORE shame...

and conversely feelings about others do not impact your own feelings about yourself..making yourself feel better by putting down faceless strangers seems empty and not a good strategy to attack something like shame.

..its like doing the same thing to them that you do to yourself...

[LeaP]

The reality is that the 300 lb woman with 4 rolls of back cleavage poking through her bikini top is viewed as a better person than us...
The girl in the 7" miniskirt dressed like a ***** at a christening with 11 kids is viewed as a better person than us..

Being really poor, fat and unstylish is a socially and culturally acceptable place to be compared to being an "it"...

Most people would laugh more at our pictures and our homepages, they mock our heartache just as much or more than some of the really sad people that end up being mocked just for being ugly and going to walmart..

this inner knowledge is the root cause of our shame...it is pounded into us from our first realization that we are living a male life...

overcoming your own shame is a day by day thing... you can't just turn it off
...in fact, your friends can embrace you and you may feel MORE shame...

..its like doing the same thing to them that you do to yourself...

Ummm ... Boy, do I feel better now ... (not)

All true, though.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I guess what i left out lea is that my answer is to go positive

...its to learn how to allow yourself positive self judgments, its really hard

not pointing the shame laser at others or picking out a group you think is even lower on the totem pole, which is really easy..

[Kaz]

Guilt and shame are part of the territory.. accept it and move on... I am so sick about being ashamed that I am ashamed..etc..

[Raynefall]

Kind of like Kaz said.. I am ashamed to be ashamed. While it isn't normal to society it feels normal and right to myself. The only answer I have found to eliminate the guilt and shame is within yourself. Nothing and nobody can change that. It's a mental block that only you can remove. While acceptance and support from others may help, the final product relies on yourself.

I personally am still at a stage where I need to tell my mom. But why is it so hard to do when I have already told my gf and I know that my mom will be supportive? Because in my mind the thoughts of rejection in any shape take hold and keep me from expressing myself. The thought of this isn't normal and the shame of letting it out grab hold and won't release. But there is nothing anyone can do. I have to get a hold of myself and realize this is me. I shouldn't feel guilty or be ashamed of who I am. That is all I can do.

[Pink Person]

Transgender people are normal members of a natural human minority that represents a
classic example of the real, true, and essential biological diversity of all of humanity.

If a transgender person feels abnormal, unnatural, inferior, imaginary, false, and trivial then these feelings can trigger guilt and shame. Dig beneath your feelings of guilt and shame to discover the source of your supposed wrong-doing and wrong-being. It will undoubtedly be the false consciousness of cisgender experience that dominates social discourse but doesn't apply to you. You are different. It's hard to be different in a world that often doesn't respect differences.

If you want to feel less guilt and shame about being transgender then trust yourself and people who are like you to know that you are special and deserve self-respect and social respect as much as anyone else.

[Rebecca Star]

Transgender people are normal members of a natural human minority that represents a
classic example of the real, true, and essential biological diversity of all of humanity.

If a transgender person feels abnormal, unnatural, inferior, imaginary, false, and trivial then these feelings can trigger guilt and shame. Dig beneath your feelings of guilt and shame to discover the source of your supposed wrong-doing and wrong-being. It will undoubtedly be the false consciousness of cisgender experience that dominates social discourse but doesn't apply to you. You are different. It's hard to be different in a world that often doesn't respect differences.

If you want to feel less guilt and shame about being transgender then trust yourself and people who are like you to know that you are special and deserve self-respect and social respect as much as anyone else.

I haven't anything to add, expect my sig line... However what Pink has said above is truly amazing. Thank you :)

[StephanieC]

Why would one feel shame and guilt for being themself? Does this have something to do with appearance? There are many types of people in the world: not everyone looks like they stepped out of a magazine. On the other hand, if you attempt to blend, I believe most people will give you a break.

Does this have to do with the attempt by others to make us feel guilt? There will always be people who attempt to shame us for being too tall, too loud, not religious, too religious, too concerned with clothes, fashion-challenged. At some point, we need to decide if we will live for ourselves or for others. I think it's key to finding the appropriate support groups. This will also help us to "live in the chosen skin". And volunteering, giving to others, allows us to be ourselves: when you are giving to others, there is less concern about ourselves.

I realize the words much easier than the actions. Just take one step at a time and you'll be surprised how much progress you can take.

Try to avoid thing of the potential demons. The future can be scary, so try to live for the moment.

Be brave. Take a step

-stephani